by A. A. Milne
CHAPTER V
BELVANE INDULGES HER HOBBY
In a glade in the forest the Countess Belvane was sitting: her throne,a fallen log, her courtiers, that imaginary audience which was alwayswith her. For once in her life she was nervous; she had an anxiousmorning in front of her.
I can tell you the reason at once. Her Royal Highness was going toreview her Royal Highness's Army of Amazons (see _Scheme II, Safety ofRealm_). In half an hour she would be here.
And why not? you say. Could anything be more gratifying?
I will tell you why not. There was no Army of Amazons. In order thather Royal Highness should not know the sad truth, Belvane drew theirpay for them. 'Twas better thus.
In any trouble Belvane comforted herself by reading up her diary. Sheundid the enormous volume, and, idly turning the pages, read some ofthe more delightful extracts to herself.
"_Monday, June 1st_," she read. "Became bad."
She gave a sigh of resignation to the necessity of being bad. RogerScurvilegs is of the opinion that she might have sighed a good manyyears before. According to him she was born bad.
"_Tuesday, June 2nd_," she read on. "Realised in the privacy of myheart that I was destined to rule the country. _Wednesday, June 3rd._Decided to oust the Princess. _Thursday, June 4th._ Began ousting."
What a confession for any woman--even for one who had become bad lastMonday! No wonder Belvane's diary was not for everybody. Let us lookover her shoulder and read some more of the wicked woman'sconfessions.
"_Friday, June 5th._ Made myself a----" Oh, that's quite private.However we may read this: "_Thought for the week._ Beware lest youshould tumble down In reaching for another's crown." An admirablesentiment which Roger Scurvilegs would have approved, although hecould not have rhymed it so neatly.
The Countess turned on a few more pages and prepared to write upyesterday's events.
"_Tuesday, June 23rd_," she said to herself. "Now what happened?Acclaimed with enthusiasm outside the Palace--how do you spell'enthusiasm'?" She bit the end of her pencil and pondered. Sheturned back the pages till she came to the place.
"Yes," she said thoughtfully. "It had three 's's' last time, so it's'z's' turn."
She wrote "enthuzziazm" lightly in pencil; later on it would be pickedout in gold.
She closed the diary hastily. Somebody was coming.
It was Wiggs.
"Oh, if you please, your Ladyship, her Royal Highness sent me to tellyou that she would be here at eleven o'clock to review her new army."
It was the last thing of which Belvane wanted reminding.
"Ah, Wiggs, sweet child," she said, "you find me overwhelmed." Shegave a tragic sigh. "Leader of the Corps de Ballet"--she indicatedwith her toe how this was done, "Commander-in-Chief of the Army ofAmazons"--here she saluted, and it was certainly the least she coulddo for the money, "Warden of the Antimacassars and Grand Mistress ofthe Robes, I have a busy life. Just come and dust this log for herRoyal Highness. All this work wears me out, Wiggs, but it is my dutyand I do it."
"Woggs says you make a very good thing out of it," said Wiggsinnocently, as she began to dust. "It must be nice to make very goodthings out of things."
The Countess looked coldly at her. It is one thing to confide to yourdiary that you are bad, it's quite another to have Woggsseses shoutingit out all over the country.
"I don't know what Woggs is," said Belvane sternly, "but send it to meat once."
As soon as Wiggs was gone, Belvane gave herself up to her passions.She strode up and down the velvety sward, saying to herself, "Bother!Bother! Bother! Bother!" Her outbreak of violence over, she satgloomily down on the log and abandoned herself to despair. Her hairfell in two plaits down her back to her waist; on second thoughts shearranged them in front--if one is going to despair one may as well doit to the best advantage.
Suddenly a thought struck her.
"I am alone," she said. "Dare I soliloquise? I will. It is a thingI have not done for weeks. 'Oh, what a----" She got up quickly."_Nobody_ could soliloquise on a log like that," she said crossly.She decided she could do it just as effectively when standing. Withone pale hand raised to the skies she began again.
"Oh, what a--"
"Did you call me, Mum?" said Woggs, appearing suddenly.
"_Bother!_" said Belvane. She gave a shrug of resignation. "Anothertime," she told herself. She turned to Woggs.
Woggs must have been quite close at hand to have been found by Wiggsso quickly, and I suspect her of playing in the forest when she oughtto have been doing her lessons, or mending stockings, or whatever madeup her day's work. Woggs I find nearly as difficult to explain asWiggs; it is a terrible thing for an author to have a lot of peoplerunning about his book, without any invitation from him at all.However, since Woggs is there, we must make the best of her. I fancythat she was a year or two younger than Wiggs and of rather inferioreducation. Witness her low innuendo about the Lady Belvane, and thefact that she called a Countess "Mum."
"Come here," said Belvane. "Are you what they call Woggs?"
"Please, Mum," said Woggs nervously.
The Countess winced at the "Mum," but went on bravely. "What have youbeen saying about me?"
"N--Nothing, Mum."
Belvane winced again, and said, "Do you know what I do to little girlswho say things about me? I cut their heads off; I----" She tried tothink of something very alarming! "I--I stop their jam for tea. I--Iam _most_ annoyed with them."
Woggs suddenly saw what a wicked thing she had done.
"Oh, please, Mum," she said brokenly and fell on her knees.
"_Don't_ call me 'Mum,'" burst out Belvane. "It's so _ugly_. Why doyou suppose I ever wanted to be a countess at all, Woggs, if it wasn'tso as not to be called 'Mum' any more?"
"I don't know, Mum," said Woggs.
Belvane gave it up. The whole morning was going wrong anyhow.
"Come here, child," she sighed, "and listen. You have been a verynaughty girl, but I'm going to let you off this time, and in returnI've something you are going to do for me."
"Yes, Mum," said Woggs.
Belvane barely shuddered now. A sudden brilliant plan had come toher.
"Her Royal Highness is about to review her Army of Amazons. It is asudden idea of her Royal Highness's, and it comes at an unfortunatemoment, for it so happens that the Army is--er----" _What_ was theArmy doing? Ah, yes--"manoeuvring in a distant part of the country.But we must not disappoint her Royal Highness. What then shall we do,Woggs?"
"I don't know, Mum," said Woggs stolidly.
Not having expected any real assistance from her, the Countess wenton, "I will tell you. You see yonder tree? Armed to the teeth _you_will march round and round it, giving the impression to one on thisside of a large army passing. For this you will be rewarded. Hereis----" She felt in the bag she carried. "No, on second thoughts Iwill owe it to you. Now you quite understand?"
"Yes, Mum," said Woggs.
"Very well, then. Run along to the Palace and get a sword and ahelmet and a bow and an arrow and an--an arrow and anything you like,and then come back here and wait behind those bushes. When I clap myhands the army will begin to march."
Woggs curtsied and ran off.
It is probable that at this point the Countess would have resumed hersoliloquy, but we shall never know, for the next moment the Princessand her Court were seen approaching from the other end of the glade.Belvane advanced to meet them.
"Good morning, your Royal Highness," she said, "a beautiful day, is itnot?"
"Beautiful, Countess."
With the Court at her back, Hyacinth for the moment was less nervousthan usual, but almost at the first words of the Countess she felt herself-confidence oozing from her. Did I say I was like this with mypublishers? And Roger's dragged-in Uncle----one can't explain it.
The Court stood about in picturesque attitudes while Belvane went on:
"Your Royal Highnes
s's brave Women Defenders, the Home Defence Army ofAmazons" (here she saluted; one soon gets into the knack of it, and itgives an air of efficiency) "have looked forward to this day forweeks. How their hearts fill with pride at the thought of beingreviewed by your Royal Highness!"
She had paid, or rather received, the money for the Army so often thatshe had quite got to believe in its existence. She even kept a roll ofthe different companies (it meant more delightful red ink for onething), and wrote herself little notes recommending Corporal GretalHottshott for promotion to sergeant.
"I know very little about armies, I'm afraid," said Hyacinth. "I'vealways left that to my father. But I think it's a sweet idea of yoursto enrol the women to defend me. It's a little expensive, is it not?"
"Your Royal Highness, armies are _always_ expensive."
The Princess took her seat, and beckoned Wiggs with a smile to herside. The Court, in attitudes even more picturesque than before,grouped itself behind her.
"Is your Royal Highness ready?"
"Quite ready, Countess."
The Countess clapped her hands.
There was a moment's hesitation, and then, armed to the teeth, Amazonafter Amazon marched by. . . .
An impressive scene. . . .
However, Wiggs must needs try to spoil it.
"Why, it's Woggs!" she cried.
"Silly child!" said Belvane in an undertone, giving her a push.
The Princess looked round inquiringly.
"The absurd creature," explained the Countess, "thought she recognizeda friend in your Royal Highness's gallant Army."
"How clever of her! They all look exactly alike to _me_."
Belvane was equal to the occasion.
"The uniform and discipline of an army have that effect rather," shesaid. "It has often been noticed."
"I suppose so," said the Princess vaguely. "Oughtn't they to march infours? I seem to remember, when I came to reviews with Father----"
"Ah, your Royal Highness, that was an army of men. With women--well,we found that if they marched side by side, they _would_ talk all thetime."
The Court, which had been resting on the right leg with the left kneebent, now rested on the left leg with the right knee bent. Woggs alsowas getting tired. The last company of the Army of Amazons was notmarching with the abandon of the first company.
_Armed to the teeth, Amazon after Amazon marched by_]
"I think I should like them to halt now so that I can address them,"said Hyacinth.
Belvane was taken aback for the moment.
"I am afraid, your--your Royal Highness," she stammered, her brainworking busily all the time, "that that would be contrary to--to--tothe spirit of--er--the King's Regulations. An army--an army inmarching order--must--er--_march_." She made a long forward movementwith her hand. "Must march," she repeated, with an innocent smile.
"I see," said Hyacinth, blushing guiltily again.
Belvane gave a loud cough. The last veteran but two of the Armylooked inquiringly at her and passed. The last veteran but one camein and was greeted with a still louder cough. Rather tentatively thelast veteran of all entered and met such an unmistakable frown that itwas obvious that the march-past was over. . . . Woggs took off herhelmet and rested in the bushes.
"That is all, your Royal Highness," said Belvane. "158 marches past,217 reported sick, making 622; 9 are on guard at the Palace--632 and 9make 815. Add 28 under age and we bring it up to the round thousand."
Wiggs opened her mouth to say something, but decided that her mistresswould probably wish to say it instead. Hyacinth, however, merelylooked unhappy.
Belvane came a little nearer.
"I--er--forgot if I mentioned to your Royal Highness that we arepaying out today. One silver piece a day and several days in theweek, multiplied by--how many did I say?--comes to ten thousand piecesof gold." She produced a document, beautifully ruled. "If your RoyalHighness would kindly initial here----"
Mechanically the Princess signed.
"Thank you, your Royal Highness. And now perhaps I had better go andsee about it at once."
She curtsied deeply, and then, remembering her position, saluted andmarched off.
Now Roger Scurvilegs would see her go without a pang; he would thenturn over to his next chapter, beginning "Meanwhile the King----," andleave you under the impression that the Countess Belvane was a commonthief. I am no such chronicler as that. At all costs I will be fairto my characters.
Belvane, then, had a weakness. She had several of which I havealready told you, but this is another one. She had a passion for thedistribution of largesse.
I know an old gentleman who plays bowls every evening. He trundleshis skip (or whatever he calls it) to one end of the green, toddlesafter it, and trundles it back again. Think of him for a moment, andthen think of Belvane on her cream-white palfrey tossing a bag of goldto right of her and flinging a bag of gold to left of her, as sherides through the cheering crowds; upon my word I think hers is themore admirable exercise.
And, I assure you, no less exacting. When once one has got into thishabit of "flinging" or "tossing" money, to give it in any ordinaryway, to slide it gently into the palm, is unbearable. Which of us whohas, in an heroic moment, flung half a crown to a cabman can ever becontent afterwards to hold out a handful of three-penny bits andcoppers to him? One must always be flinging. . . .
So it was with Belvane. The largesse habit had got hold of her. Itis an expensive habit, but her way of doing it was less expensive thanmost. The people were taxed to pay for the Amazon Army; the pay ofthe Amazon Army was flung back at them; could anything be fairer?
True, it brought her admiration and applause. But what woman does notlike admiration? Is that an offence? If it is, it is something verydifferent from the common theft of which Roger Scurvilegs would accuseher. Let us be fair.
