Shadow of Doubt

by Melissa Gaye Perez

  “Guy was right about one thing,” she thought as she stood backstage and admired his tremendous talent. “We do look a lot a like, but never again will I be able to feel like I belong here.”

  She realized more now just how boring this life really is. Guy was the one having all the fun. All she was doing was standing around hearing the same old songs over and over and having to deal with all the hassle of lining up these concerts so that he could be famous and have fun. Then there was the crazed fans invading their path everywhere they went.

  Barb no longer had the desire to be chased by crazed fans and the paparazzi all her life. That was Guy's dream, not hers. “He'll be hurt I know...but he has to be told. This is the last tour I'm doing with him. I want to live my life with Jordan now. To travel the racing circuit with him and be truly happy the way Guy is. Now that's what I call excitement, that car,” she thought smiling as she remembered the powerful feeling of being inside that car with the man she loved controlling her fate at the wheel. “Guy will just have to find himself a new manager.”

  Slowly she scanned the room around her feeling sudden discomfort seeing the bodyguards all around her. Guy's bodyguards. She couldn't stand thinking about the rest of her life being surrounded by these huge men who only pushed away excited fans who merely wanted to catch a glimpse of Guy Radlee and possibly acquire his autograph as a souvenir. This was definitely not the life she wanted forever. Not anymore.

  And Guy had changed so much since his career had peaked. He and Barb used to have real fun together. They had lived together in Los Angeles for the last four years dreaming about concerts just like this one. Guy was always their parent’s favorite child though. He could sing his way to their hearts anytime he wanted too but always remained his sister's idol. They adored each other.

  Once when they were in high school in Nashville, Barb was walking home from school with her boyfriend. They stood outside their family home and kissed good bye on the front porch only to have Guy open the front door and sock the young man right in the nose.

  Barb was furious when her over protective brother grabbed her by the arm and dragged his sixteen year old sister in the house. “How could you do that?” she had raged as they stomped through the living room arguing.

  Guy, who is only two years older, yelled back. “You're too damn young for that kind of stuff and you know it. You're lucky Mom and Dad didn't catch you!”

  “Well they didn't!” she retaliated childishly.

  Guy smiled at his little sister. “Just cool it huh?”

  Barb never really minded Guy interfering with her boyfriends before. He'd done it so many times, scaring them away with his idle threats and causing so much tension between them that she finally broke up with them. But now...now Jordan was involved. A man who'd truly stolen her heart and captured her inner most desires. No way would Barb ever let Guy come between the passion she and Jordan shared together.

  “I can't wait for Mom and Dad to meet him,” she then thought dreamily now.

  “Mom and Dad,” Barb thought as she listened to the rumble of Guy's fans echo throughout the building. “I can't wait to get to Tennessee and see them now. I bet their proud of Guy. Maybe they'll be proud of me too for helping him the way I have.”

  Then her brow dropped. “But wait until they hear I'm gonna leave him now too. That outta make them proud,” she sarcastically thought.

  Barb never really felt her parents were as close to her as they were to Guy. She was always more independent and stubborn. She was always capable of taking care of herself.

  Guy however, always acted so dependent on Barb. It was after he graduated high school he seemed to grow so possessive over her and completely took over her life. He wanted her with him every step of the way as he struggled to climb the ladder of fame and success. Barb almost never protested. She wanted to see her brother's dream come true to make her parents proud.

  Barb remained at Guy's side and helped him every inch of the way to get his career rolling but never really planned to actually become his manager. He paid her well though and always took great care of her. Barb didn't want to hurt her brother by leaving him now, but thought it to be about time she start thinking of her own future. A future with Jordan Scott.

  She realized now that she only stayed with Guy this long because it made her parents happy. As a child it was always Guy who was the favorite and she had thrived to get their attention and affection. To feel loved by them too. She knew deep in her heart that they did love her, but Guy would always remain superior for some reason. He was always so special to them. Somehow this no longer bothered her. She had Jordan now and he was all she needed to make her life complete and as happy as she had always dreamed of having it.

  Three days later Barb stood surrounded by her parents, Gene and Betty Radlee. The three of them watched proudly as their son and brother sang to the overcrowded auditorium yet again in Nashville, Tennessee. Barb wasn't smiling though. Nearly a week had passed now and she still hadn't heard a word from Jordan. She hadn't attempted to call him after the first couple of days but figured now if he wanted her back… he'd call her.

  But he was all she could think about. She knew he'd won first place in his last race because she saw the results on the newscast. Now she only moped because she couldn't have been there for him when he finally won. Now she feared he may have decided he did like living alone after all and had no room in his life for her.

  “Maybe he went out to celebrate with Martin and found someone else. Someone who didn't want strings in their relationship,” she thought wearily.

  After the concert the bodyguards rushed the four of them out the back door where they jumped into the waiting limo and sped away to their parent’s home there in Nashville. Barb had missed this place, but had no desire to remain here. Nor did she wish to return home to LA with Guy, but seeing how his last concert was there, it was unavoidable. She had originally planned it that way so they would finish at home, but now home for her was the opposite side of the country.

  After dinner she finally joined her family in the living room. “Barbara Jean are you feeling all right?” her mother finally asked noticing her chipper little girl wasn't her usual happy self. Barb couldn't remember her ever worrying about her before, why now?

  “We need to talk,” she stated as her look alike brother's eyes met steadily with hers. A look of sudden fret took over his face.

  Guy grinned knowingly as he looked to their parents. “Little Barb is in love,” he mocked smartly. “But the guy hasn't called and doesn't seem interested in her.”

  He seemed rather pleased and sure of the outcome. Yet how did he know Jordan hadn't called. She didn't remember ever mentioning it to him.

  Barb straightened her back and threw him a slicing glare. “Jordan loves me very much. He's just been busy,” she insisted strongly, not at all too sure herself.

  “Sure he does,” Guy laughed. “That's why the phone's been ringing off the wall.”

  “This is our last tour together Guy,” she answered threateningly. “I'm going back to Florida just as soon as the last concert is over. You'd better find a new manager. And fast.”

  Guy stared a little nervously back at her. He didn't like it when her blonde hair glowed around her reddened face like that. Her eyes seemed to be burning right through him. He knew she meant business this time. It wasn't just an idle threat.

  “You don't mean it Barb. The man obviously used you. Can’t you just accept that?”

  “He'd never do that!” she yelled. “And I do mean it and if you want me to accompany you back to LA you'd better straighten up that bull shit attitude of yours. I'm tired of seeing you push people around, especially when one of them is me!”

  “Just what are you planning to do?”

  “I'm not sure, but I'm moving out after the next show,” she answered not knowing for sure now where she would go. The doubt about Jordan's sincerity was lingering and growing stronger by the day.

  “He doesn't wa
nt you,” Guy persisted.

  “It doesn't matter Guy. I'm going anyway. I'm tired of living my life for you! I have my own life to worry about now. I want to do something for myself for once.”

  Guy didn't look too thrilled. He watched as she made her way from the room.

  “Why hasn't he called dammit?” she wondered as she retreated to her childhood room and curled up on her bed envisioning Jordan's lazy grin and yearning for his passionate body against hers just once more.

  Barb sat backstage again in LA. Wearing her Levi jeans and satin emerald green western shirt and cowboy hat, she and Guy were dressed to match tonight. Her silky blonde hair glistened over her shoulders and the green background of her shirt made it stand out that much more.

  This night was more hectic than ever before. The concert was broadcast live on television and she was nervous beyond belief. The fact it had been two weeks now since she left Jordan didn't help matters at all. He still hadn't called and she was beginning to believe Guy may be right.

  Only she knew he hadn't used her. He had to love her...but she also knew Jordan was happy being independent. She couldn't blame him for it. Only wished she could've changed his mind and made him want her around forever. She so badly wanted to call him but didn't want to seem too pushy. Besides, it was his duty to call her. He had promised he would.

  Guy wasn't the slightest bit nervous as he took center stage and wooed all of America. He thrived on being the best and loved driving the crowds wild. It was intoxicating to him. Barb just didn't share in his enthusiasm.

  Jordan or no Jordan, she was leaving Guy, and soon. Somehow...somewhere...she knew she had to find love again. Maybe not the same as with Jordan, but she dreamed of children of her own and a husband with Jordan's compassion.

  Jordan did miss his Dolly dearly. He sat blankly and stared at the television set drinking another beer and watching Guy's concert. He never moved his eyes off the set hoping, wishing to catch a simple glimpse of his beloved Dolly who suddenly became Barbara Jean Radlee and left him all alone. He wanted to hold her and kiss her but knew he couldn't. She was on the other side of the continent from him now and he was willing to settle for any small glimpse of her he could get.

  He felt the time and distance was ripping apart all that they had shared. Finally the camera paused on her for only a brief moment. Jordan's body jerked forward to get a closer look as he saw her sitting on a stool smiling proudly out at her brother from backstage. Her hair glistened by the light of the camera and the blue in her eyes nearly tranquilized him.

  Then back to Guy, the man who had taken her from him. The man she's been devoted too all her life. “Huh, I must be dreaming,” Jordan thought as he popped another brew. “She'll never come back to me now. How could she ever leave all that glitz and glamor for a man like me? She just looks too damn happy out there in California.”

  If only he knew. Barb was smiling widely all right and her face beaming radiantly, but only because she was dreamily thinking about she and Jordan's last night together on the beach. She knew she had to see him. To try and return to his side and possibly resume what they had shared together. As soon as the concert ended, she planned to board a plane back to Florida.

  When Guy found out he didn't like this at all. “You can't be serious. You're really leaving me out in the cold? And tonight…it’s so soon after the concert? We still have to go out and celebrate.”

  Guy and Barb stomped around their posh LA apartment as she packed up her things, all of them.

  “Yes Guy. I warned you in Nashville to get another manager. If you didn't take me seriously that's your problem.” She stood and stared out the window feeling the cool breeze but it only reminded her of the times she and Jordan shared at the beach together.

  “The guy's a jerk Barb! He doesn't care about you, I do.”

  She turned to face him once more. “It doesn't matter Guy. I'm still leaving. Even if he doesn't want me back. I'm sick of all this. Sick of you!”

  “How can you say that? I've taken care of you. Damned good care of you.”

  Barb turned to face him tired of letting him make her feel as if she owed him.

  “You've taken care of me? No sir. You better think again. If it wasn't for my pushing and business wit you'd still be living at home with mom and dad bagging groceries for a living and you better know it mister.”

  “Oh so now I owe you the thanks for all of this do I? Huh?” he retorted unbelieving.

  “We owe each other nothing!” she answered. “I don't want anything from you except to be my brother. I fought to get you where you are because I love you and you wanted it. But can't you believe in me too? Let me have my own life now?”

  “I need you Barb,” he replied in a lower voice, almost pleading with his blue eyes reddening.

  Barb relaxed her arms around his neck. “You're all grown up now Guy. You won't have any trouble replacing your manager, but as far as your sister's concerned...you'll never need to replace her. She'll always be behind you.”

  Guy hugged her tightly. “I do love you Barb. Please keep in touch will ya?”

  “I will Guy, I will,” she promised as she picked up her luggage. She turned to look one last time at her brother, hoping for a glimpse of understanding…support maybe for what she had to do now.

  Suddenly his eyes turned evil. “You’ll be back Barb. You can count on that. One way or another, I’ll have you back with me.”

  Barb couldn’t believe him. How could he be so one sided? How could he be so crude?

  “I have to go Guy. Good luck to you. I really mean that.” Then she turned again and left the apartment.

  She caught a cab to the airport. She didn’t want to fly back in Guy’s private jet not wanting to give him any reason to hold it over her. Guy was a strong willed person and she knew he would survive. As for herself, she wasn’t so sure right now.

  She found herself now putting on her sunglasses as she made her way through LAX. This was one of the largest and most crowded airports in the country and although it was Guy who most of the fans crazed over every now and then she came across some of them that would point and giggle out, “That’s Guy Radlee’s sister!” and they would actually crowd around her and ask for her autograph.

  How she hated it now. How she realized that she had lived nearly all her life in Guy’s shadow. Doing everything for him and ignoring the fact that she had needs of her own.

  Finally she boarded her plane and found her seat. She relaxed and took a deep breath trying to decide now how and if she would give Jordan the news.

  If Jordan had changed his mind about their relationship she decided she wouldn’t bother telling him about the baby. She knew that was the cause of her sudden illnesses and fatigue because she had taken a home pregnancy test about a week ago. She knew he had a right to know, but she didn’t feel he should be told if he didn’t want her. Barb didn’t want him feeling obligated to taking her back only because she was pregnant now. She was financially capable of raising a baby alone if need be. She just didn’t want too. She wanted Jordan with her and wanted their child to be as proud of his or her father as she was.

  “And Guy,” she suddenly thought. “Thank God I hadn’t told him about the baby. He surely would have freaked out. Just imagine it.”

  “Only about a month or so pregnant and already sick,” she then griped to herself as she again ran to the lavatory at the back of the plane. The trip across the states was taking its toll on her now. She drank Sprite and nibbled on crackers the whole way but nothing seemed to settle her stomach. But now she wasn’t exactly sure if it was the pregnancy making her sick or her nerves of not knowing what her relationship with Jordan would be when she saw him again.

  Yet she still grinned as she again reclined her seat back, gently rubbing her hand up and down her still flat stomach and dreamily thought about late May when their love child would make its grand entrance into the world. She pictured herself in labor at the hospital with Jordan holding her hand for
support, fearing her dream of the three of them having a happy life together would never become a reality as the plane finally landed now in Florida.

  Chapter 11

  Barb didn’t exactly know what to expect from Jordan now. She chose not to push their relationship too hard so she checked into the hotel in town and planned to contact him by phone first, if she could get him to answer. She had been trying relentlessly since she had left to no avail. Then she decided to use the hotel phone so he would hopefully realize she was back in town. The third time she called his beach house it was after dark. Finally on the second ring he answered. Her face brightened just to hear his ever so sweet voice again.

  “Hello? Hello?”

  Barb froze and almost forgot to answer him. “Jordan?” she finally asked at last.

  There was silence.

  “Dolly? Is that you?” He seemed surprised to actually hear from her.

  “Yes. I missed you so much Jordan,” she replied as softly as she could, feeling good to once again become Dolly and leave the world of Barbara Jean Radlee behind. She nearly felt like a stranger though as they spoke.

  “Where are you?” he asked immediately. Barb was disappointed. He hadn’t said he missed her too. Maybe he hadn’t missed her after all.

  “I’m here…in Daytona. I’m at the hotel. Guy’s tour is finally over.”

  “Yeah…I know. I saw you on tv.”

  Barb smiled proudly. “I’d like to see you.”

  “I think we need to talk too,” he responded not sounding as thrilled as she was.

  “Do you want me to come to the beach?”

  “No…I’ll come there in the morning. I’ll stop by on the way to the track.”

  This didn’t sound good to her at all. Dolly was disappointed again. He wasn’t even as anxious to see her as she was to see him.

  “I had my cast removed yesterday,” she replied trying not to seem overly anxious either.