No Going Back (Siren Publishing Allure)

by Redrae Gunn

  Tayen looked at the hand in front of her face. Her gaze followed the arm up to David’s face. She reached out her hand as she choked on a sob and David pulled her to her feet and hugged her.

  “I read the note, warrior princess. Twice. I believe every single word of it,” David pulled back and made Tayen look at him. “Every single word.”

  “Thank you David. Thank you,” Tayen kissed his cheek.

  “So.” Steve looked calmly at Tayen. “Usually a submissive is punished for not being honest, for disobeying rules, or just because the Dominant wants to administer punishment. In this case, I believe the Dominant should be punished. Any suggestions?”

  “First,” Tayen said. “Everyone in this room knows my secret. I need a show of hands on how many of you believe me.”

  Four hands shot into the air. Tayen nodded. “Good.” She met each one of their eyes and saw no hesitation. “This is to be kept private.” Four heads nodded.

  “If I was Caleb and thought that I had been deceived the first thing I would do would try to get even,” Tayen said out loud, thinking of how Caleb might act. “He thinks trust has been broken, so he will try to break the trust. Of course, I still have hope that he will read through the paper, but I can’t bank on hope.”

  “A punishment should fit the crime,” Tayen continued. “So, until he realizes that he should have trusted this sub, perhaps he shouldn’t be allowed to scene in The Cave. A personal apology is all that I require. Then I will go my own way, he can go his.”

  Tayen choked at the thought of Caleb doing a scene with another woman. Her heart started to hurt again and she clutched at her vest. She focused, breathed a steady breath, held her head high, and met each person’s gaze.

  “His punishment is also a learning lesson. I wasn’t able to get my driver’s license until I knew how to drive. Otherwise I could’ve seriously hurt someone else. In the same way, Caleb shouldn’t be able to scene until he realizes that he needs to trust his submissive. Otherwise, someone could be seriously hurt. I would prefer to be the last person Caleb hurts due to his trust issues.”

  “Commendable,” Steve said, and Casey nodded.

  “But not acceptable,” Damien said and Tayen frowned. “You were just dropped, and most Dominants will at least make sure that their submissive has another Dominant to go to.”

  “I have David,” Tayen said, shrugging her shoulders.

  “Not the same thing,” David said, and Damien nodded in agreement.

  “As your friend, Tayen,” Damien began, “I will help you through the separation period. I’m way out of my element here though since you don’t respond to pain.” Tayen flinched slightly, embarrassed, as she looked down.

  Damien smiled. “I will not expect sex. I will not expect you to be available to me whenever I call. You will be on vacation after all. But you will not disappoint me.”

  “No, sir,” Tayen said automatically, then asked. “What will you be doing?”

  “Pushing you,” Damien replied. “I do not think that your punishment for Caleb, however moral and just, was adequate for the severity of his infraction. I will want to see you more open to people. You have shut yourself away for way too long.”

  “I’m going to…” Tayen looked down at herself and thought of her bike out front. “…Sturgis. I will knock Sturgis off my bucket list before heading to Maska’s.”

  “Perfect,” Damien said. “I want videos posted to my Facebook page beginning with a wet T-shirt contest. Caleb often checks my page, and I will also be telling you what to do via your Facebook page. I want Caleb to remember why it was so much fun being your Dominant. I will make subtle reminders on your page to pique his curiosity to read the rest of that note. I want him to remember the Dominant he used to be.”

  Tayen looked at David who shrugged his shoulders. “It certainly leaves me out of the romantic side which is perfectly fine. Then all I have to do is continue to be your ever supportive best friend. Like I always have been.”

  Tayen took a minute to compose herself. She gave David a hug that had him trying to find his breath and then she nodded at Damien.

  “Thank you, sir,” Tayen said as she bowed to Damien. As Tayen headed out of town she realized that once again, she was leaving with the clothes on her back.

  Chapter 15

  Caleb pulled into the underground parking lot and, out of habit, looked at Tayen’s Jeep. It was still parked. A thin film of dust had settled on the windshield and hood. The trailer used to store her bike was also unmoved. He hadn’t seen or heard from her for a week. Caleb grimaced. Of course he hadn’t heard from her. You’re the one that called it off, you shmuck.

  Theresa hadn’t seen any sign of Tayen since she had left that morning to go over her application at The Cave. David had been seen, but it was his normal patterns. Nothing unusual, and Caleb hadn’t ran into David in the hallway, so he hadn’t had a chance to ask about Tayen. Not that he had any right to know how she was doing.

  Caleb went upstairs and sat in his empty home. Somehow without Tayen’s smile the sun didn’t seem quite as bright. The loss of her infectious laughter echoing down the halls left the condo eerily quiet. It wasn’t something that he had noticed before Tayen had literally run into his life.

  Moping around the house wasn’t going to help him any. Caleb fired up his computer and decided that, after so much time out of town on business, he may as well check his Facebook and not worry about his next concert or client. He also hadn’t seen his friends for a while, so he thought he’d check in on them as well. Perhaps a little scene at The Cave would rid his head of Tayen.

  As Caleb left his house he saw that David and Mr. Bergan were leaving David’s apartment. Both were struggling under the weight of several bags. David was grinning from ear to ear and talking excitedly to Mr. Bergan about Tayen always being his muse and this being the perfect opportunity for the ad campaign he had been struggling with.

  David and Mr. Bergan were oblivious to Caleb’s presence as they entered the elevator. Just before the doors closed Caleb heard Mr. Bergan ask David how Tayen was doing. David replied that he didn’t know and that anyone looking for Tayen had to go through Damien. Mr. Bergan had laughed gruffly, and then the doors to the elevator closed.

  Caleb leaned against the wall, his heart racing and hands balling into fists. Damien? Why in the world would anyone need to go through Damien? Had Tayen found another Dominant so quickly? Surely Damien would have observed the rule of not dating another friend’s former submissive, wouldn’t he?

  Caleb went back to his apartment and checked Tayen’s Facebook page under her fake name of Flowenol. There had been two videos that she had been tagged in. Damien had tagged her on both of them. Caleb went to Damien’s page and watched the videos. The first was of Tayen in a wet T-shirt contest. Under the video, which showed her being very nervous, was a message she had sent to Damien. There I did the public display and that doesn’t mean I will be doing any scenes at The Cave anytime in the near future. NEVER!!

  The other video was of Tayen in an arm wrestling competition. It showed her winning the title match against a woman who looked like she may have needed to be checked to make sure that she wasn’t a man. The message under the video seemed very personal. See I can let a woman touch me without freaking out. I just have to know I’m still in control and there isn’t a chain around my neck.

  Caleb had no idea what that cryptic little message meant, and he wondered if he really wanted to know. It was obvious that the reason she hadn’t been around the house was because she had been in Sturgis. Under Tayen’s message Damien had told her to continue to run for the hills and to have a good time. Maybe Damien didn’t know what Tayen had done. Caleb’s jaw clenched as he headed to The Cave. His friends needed to know the truth.

  * * * *

  Tayen slid off the gray Appaloosa, patting the horse on the neck as she unclipped the lead rope from the halter. This horse had been trained by Maska’s late wife and obeyed knee signals from a bar
eback rider. The horse wasn’t one of the bigger workhorses around the ranch to be sure. The runt had been scheduled to be sold for slaughter before Laura, Maska’s wife, had purchased her at the slaughter barn. Laura had named her Grey Ghost.

  Now nearing twenty, the horse was comfortable in its place at the ranch. Since it had never worn a saddle, now was probably not the time to start, so Tayen had continued in Laura’s absence to ride the horse whenever she was at the ranch.

  Maska stood on the porch, his arms folded across his chest. He grunted as Tayen handed him her string of fish. Two walleyes, a large pike, and three bass. “Slow day?” Maksa asked, examining the fish.

  “I’m full already,” Tayen replied as she patted her belly. She had already cooked and eaten three of the fish by the creek.

  Maska grunted.

  Tayen adjusted her backpack and started up the trail, a one-mile hike to the farthest cabin away from the main lodge. It had been her home for the past week. The sun set quickly in the Black Hills, and she wanted to have a fire going before it became pitch black. The electricity was still out in the far cabin and would remain out until Tayen finished shingling the roof and had the security lights around the stable area.

  The Ghost would’ve gladly carried her up the trail, but Tayen was in the mood for the hike and probably the Ghost would follow, finding her way to the cabin and be waiting in the cabin yard in the morning.

  “I’m going to need the team tomorrow if the rest of the shingles come in,” Tayen turned and said to Maska. He nodded his head and then held up his hand. Tayen mimicked his gesture as she turned back around to face the trail. The only way to get supplies up to the furthest cabin was by horse and cart. Maska had ATVs, but at some points the trail was too steep and too rough for even the machines.

  Tayen knew that Half Smile, that large female wolf, was following her up the trail. She was one of the tame pack of five that resided near the lodge. Tayen had given Half Smile her name after the wolf had been in some sort of fight and suffered a very nasty cut along her jaw line that healed into a permanent smile on the one side.

  As Tayen walked she thought of Caleb. She threw some sticks, kicked some rocks, laughed, and allowed herself to cry.

  * * * *

  The doorman allowed Caleb inside The Cave and then told him to head upstairs to Steve’s office. Caleb was a little confused and decided that the man didn’t recognize him, so he proceeded to the club members’ entrance. The man inside the room acknowledged Caleb by name and then told him that he was to proceed to Steve’s office.

  The triple deadbolt was activated to the entrance door, on the members only side, and Caleb decided that Steve was probably serious. He held up his hands in surrender and headed to Steve’s office.

  Casey motioned for Caleb to sit beside her on the long, leather sofa. Caleb did as he glanced around the room.

  “Why can’t I get into The Cave?” Caleb asked, foregoing any formalities.

  “You don’t trust your subs,” Casey said. When Caleb started to speak, she held a finger up and narrowed her eyes. “You should.”

  “Do you know, Casey? Tayen is not on any birth control,” Caleb said.

  “I do,” Casey said calmly then added, “Thank goodness her hormones are able to compensate.”

  Caleb didn’t have time to process Casey’s information before he continued, “She rated her ability to take birth control at a ten?”

  “As she should’ve since it’s out of her control,” Casey said calmly and yawned.

  “Damien is her Dominant now,” Caleb replied.

  “No, Caleb, he is her friend,” Casey said sitting up in Steve’s large desk chair. “She needed a friend when you ‘clowned out’ on her.”

  “She has David,” Caleb replied.

  “David won’t speak to you,” Casey whispered. “Damien, your friend, will. Damien did this so that you still have some way to contact Tayen if you are ever so inclined.” Under her breath she added, “And you should be.”

  Caleb was shocked. Everyone had turned against him. A voice in the back of his head told him that maybe he wasn’t seeing the whole picture. He pushed the voice out of his head. She had lied. But maybe she hadn’t. He rose from the sofa and headed toward the door.

  “She’s just like Maria.” Caleb spoke the wretched name and looked at Casey for condolences and none were found in the redheaded woman’s eyes.

  “Tayen is nothing like that bitch,” Casey spat. “Did you ever once consider that perhaps Tayen doesn’t need to be on birth control? Did you ever once ask her if she wanted children? Did you ever once ask that beautiful woman, my friend, if she had her guts ripped out of her traumatically at the age of twelve and then sewn back up by a veterinarian because that was all that was available, if she was able to give birth, or wanted children?”

  “No,” Caleb whispered, confused.

  “Well.” Casey wiped the tears from her cheeks as she shoved Caleb out the door. “You better find that doctor’s note that she never meant to send to you. She wanted to tell you that private stuff in person, and you better read it all the way through. Every last word.”

  Caleb looked down. He hadn’t read the note. His fears had stopped him from getting past the first two sentences. “Then what?” Caleb asked as his chin rose.

  “Then you better hope she accepts it.” Casey smirked.

  “Accepts what?” Caleb asked, pushing in on Casey’s personal space.

  “The most heartfelt, from-the-gut, deepest apology that you could ever give.” Casey whispered, “Your apology better be so deep that it comes from the depth of hell or I will rip off your balls.”

  * * * *

  “We are in deep shit here,” Tayen whispered to the air. She knew that Half Smile had followed her, and a hundred feet from her cabin she had seen the fresh mountain lion tracks. “Oh, we are in deep shit now.” Tayen called louder and instantly realized that no birds were chirping. Nothing in the woods was sounding. Half Smile growled at the shadows, and Tayen yelled at the top of her lungs. “Someone is in deep shit now!”

  Tayen whispered, “Half Smile, it’s us.”

  The feline yowls reverberating from behind her and through the mountains had Tayen’s hair on edge. She patted Half Smile’s head above the wolf’s flattened ears. Tayen noticed the wolf’s hair was also on edge.

  “You can run if you want to, honey, but I’d really like it if you stayed,” Tayen said to the wolf, shedding her heavy pack and throwing it far from her body. She held the spear Maska had made for her. “If I die tell them I fought well.” Then she pushed the wolf out of the way as the lion ran from the shadows and sprang for the kill.

  Just before dawn Tayen dropped the dead mountain lion on the grass in front of the main lodge. Both Maska and Damien were sipping coffee on the porch. The local game warden emerged from the lodge sputtering and spitting through his toast and coffee as Tayen rinsed the blood off of her back with the garden hose. She had carried her kill, on her back, down the entire length of the trail. Damien looked like he was going to throw up, but he managed to keep his toast in his gut.

  “I am the only one who got some of its blood on me,” Tayen admitted as she remembered lunging for Half Smile, protecting the she-wolf. “I have no open wounds, and this lion is pretty old. I think it went for the easy kill and found that kill to be”—Tayen’s eyes dropped to the dead animal—“not so easy.”

  * * * *

  Caleb looked at the Facebook page where Damien had added a picture of Tayen with her kill. Tayen didn’t look proud of herself for it. She looked sad in the picture. Then he looked at the torn pieces of paper in his trashcan. He pulled the pieces out and started to tape them back together. Obviously this woman had a reason, a story to tell, and though she hadn’t intended on sharing it with Caleb just yet, he needed to know.

  Caleb looked again at Tayen’s tear-streaked face. She was in pain, agony, for taking the life of something else. Why would she have lied? Unless…Caleb considered the p
ossibility…she didn’t. He struggled to get the torn pages of notes back in order, cursing himself for tearing them into such small pieces. In his heart, a tiny bit of hope crept back in. Maybe he had been wrong.

  * * * *

  Tayen opened the gate to the corral and motioned for Damien to follow her. When he hesitated, Tayen smiled knowingly. “They are going to come out there and check you out anyway, so you might as well stay next to me,” she said using the exact words that Maska had used with her so many years ago. Damien quickly caught up with Tayen as he saw one of the eight enormous draft horses start to wander in his direction.

  Damien glanced back and noticed the wolf waiting patiently by the gate. Tayen followed his gaze and explained, “That’s Half Smile. We usually go everywhere together when I am here. I know I’m not much company, so it must be the free meals she gets.”

  “Won’t she scare the horses?” Damien asked.

  “She knows her place.” Tayen smiled lovingly at the wolf then turned to Damien and smirked. “As do most predators around large prey animals.” Half Smile’s tongue rolled out of her mouth as she sat panting in the early morning heat. She watched Tayen with keen eyes.

  Maska came to help Tayen get the heavy harnesses on two of the horses. Tayen led the young gelding to a set of stairs and motioned for Damien to get on the horse.

  Damien held up his hands and shook his head.

  “I am going to need help unloading these shingles and supplies at the furthest cabins,” Tayen said to Damien. Damien glanced into the back of the cart where Chad and David were grinning and gave him a thumbs-up sign.

  “I don’t think a man is meant to stretch this far,” Damien groaned as he settled on the wide animal and then looked at Maska who was on one of the horses that didn’t have a cart and harness. “No offense.”