The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  Next morning he goes to reception and when he asks how much the bill is, the receptionist says, “Nothing to pay, sir. Actually, we are doing an introductory offer. Here’s $50 as a welcome gesture.”

  Curious, the archbishop asks the receptionist,

  “Well, that’s strange. Everyone else who comes here gets $10. Why do I get $50?”

  “Well, sir,” says the receptionist. “This is the first time we’ve filmed a porn movie with an archbishop in it!”

  An elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks.”

  The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

  The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, “Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

  The old man replied, “No problem at all, Priest.”

  “Congratulations! Welcome to the church!” said the priest.

  The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?”

  The middle-aged man replied, “The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes, we made it.”

  “Congratulations! Welcome to the church,” said the priest.

  The priest then went to the newlywed couple and asked, “Well, were you able to abstain from sex for two weeks?”

  “No Pastor, we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks,” the young man replied sadly.

  “What happened?” inquired the priest.

  “My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it,” said the young man. “When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took advantage of her right there.”

  “You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our church,” stated the priest.

  “We know,” said the young man. “We’re not welcome at the supermarket anymore either.”

  This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster. The other farmer says, “Yeah, I’ve got this great rooster named Randy. He’ll service every chicken you’ve got. No problem.”

  Well, Randy the rooster is a lot of money, but the farmer decides he’ll be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the farmyard, giving the rooster a pep talk.

  “Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You’ve got a lot of chickens to service here and you cost me a lot of money and I’ll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have some fun,” the farmer says with a chuckle.

  Randy seems to understand, so the farmer points towards the hen house and Randy takes off like a shot—WHAM—he nails every hen in there THREE or FOUR times, and the farmer is just shocked. Randy runs out of the hen house and sees a flock of geese down by the lake—WHAM—he gets all the geese. Randy’s up in the pigpen. He’s in with the cows. Randy is jumping on every animal the farmer owns.

  The farmer is distraught, worried that his expensive rooster won’t even last the day. Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day to find Randy dead as a dodo in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead.

  The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colorful animal, shakes his head and says, “Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down. Now look what you’ve done to yourself.”

  Randy opens one eye, nods towards the sky and says, “Shhh. They’re getting closer...”

  Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

  A. Oral sex makes your day; anal sex makes your hole weak.

  Jack is one horny guy. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a $10 bill. He walks down the street to the local brothel and knocks on the door. The madam opens the door and invites Jack in.

  “I’m really horny but I only have a $10 bill. What can you do for me?” Jack asks the madam.

  She looks over this fellow and tells him, “Don’t worry, we can take care of you. No problem.”

  She leads Jack into a room, and there is a chicken in the corner. Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can’t be that bad. He gives the madam the $10 note, and she closes the door behind her.

  Jack undresses and has the time of his life. When he’s done, he can’t remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

  One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $20. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $20.

  “Well, for $20 we have a special show,” the madam replies.

  She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches.

  “Sit back and enjoy the show, Jack,” the madam tells him.

  Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other.

  Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won’t do to each other. Jack once again feels like he is getting his money’s worth.

  He turns to the person beside him and says, “This is a pretty good show for twenty bucks, eh?!”

  The guy turns to Jack and says, “This is nothing...last week we saw a man screw a chicken.”

  A lady called her gynecologist and asked for an “emergency” appointment. The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office, and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came in and asked about her problem.

  She was very shy about her emergency problem, and asked the gynecologist to please examine her vagina.

  So the doctor started to examine her. He stuck up his head after completing his examination. “I’m sorry, Miss,” he said, “but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical operation.”

  “I’m not sure I can afford it,” sighed the young woman. “But while I am here could you just replace the batteries?”

  Three friends—two straight guys and a gay guy—and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship. Everyone drowned, and soon they were standing before St. Peter.

  First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly, and said, “I can’t let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny.”

  Next in line was the second straight guy and his wife. “Sorry, I can’t let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!”

  The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, “It doesn’t look good, Dick.”

  Q. What has one hundred balls and screws old ladies?

  A. Bingo.

  A guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

  The guy makes his three wishes and the genies disappear. The next thing he knows he’s in a bedroom in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly, he feels something soft under his feet. He looks down and the floor is covered in $50 bills.

  Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are the two genies. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.

  As the genies walk off, one genie says to the other one, “Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be well-hung is beyond me!”

  A woman could never get her husband to do anyt
hing around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the TV, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the wife quite a bit.

  One day, the toilet blocked up. So when her husband got home, she said sweetly, “Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?”

  Her husband snarled, “Who do I look like, a plumber?” and sat down on the sofa.

  The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn’t work. Again, when her husband got home, she said very nicely, “Honey, the disposal has broken. Would you try to fix it for me?”

  Once again, he growled, “Who do I look like, the plumber?”

  The next day, the washing machine was out of order. When her husband got home, she worked up her courage and said, “Honey, the washing machine isn’t working. Would you check it?”

  And again she was met with a snarl, “Who do I look like, the repairman?”

  Finally, she had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washing machine. When her husband got home, she said, “Honey, I had the repairmen out today.”

  He frowned, “How much is that going to cost?”

  “Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them.”

  “Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?” he asked.

  She smiled.

  “Who do I look like? Sara Lee?”

  Women are just like cartons of orange juice.

  It’s not the shape or size that matters or even how sweet the juice is—it’s getting those fucking flaps open!!

  A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

  It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

  He really had a good time because the equipment provided him with as much pleasure as his wife did. When the fun was over, he found that he could not take the instrument off.

  He read the manual but did not find any useful information. He tried every button on the instrument. Some made the equipment squeeze, shake, or suck harder or softer, but still without success.

  Panicking, he called the supplier’s Customer Service Hot Line.

  “Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It’s fantastic. But how can I take it off the cow’s udder?”

  Customer Service replied, “Don’t worry. The machine was programmed to release automatically after collecting about two gallons of milk.”

  The last time the circus came to town, an ad for an animal trainer was placed in the local paper.

  Only two applicants showed up, a male and a female.

  The owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would choose the one with the best act.

  At first glance it appeared that the female was much better prepared because she came to the interview with a very long flowing cape, a whip and chair. The man showed up with a cigar. She looked more like a model than a trainer.

  The owner asked who would like to go first, and the man said, “Ladies first.”

  The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip-snapping. She motioned the attendant to release the tiger.

  The tiger leaped into the cage snarling. The young lady threw aside her whip, flung back her cape and sat on the chair as naked as the day she was born.

  Our tiger now circled her sniffing the air and suddenly bounded to her, put its face between her legs and started licking. She threw back her head moaning, holding the tiger by the ears.

  The owner looked at the man and said, “That’s quite an act. Think you can do better that that?”

  The man said, “No problem, just get that tiger out of the cage first.”

  A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.

  They go back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a low shelf, medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf.

  The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

  After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how was it?”

  The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

  A man goes into a greasy spoon restaurant and orders a bowl of chicken soup. “What’s this?!?!?” he screams. “There’s a pubic hair in my soup! I’m not paying for it!” And he storms out.

  The waitress gets very upset at this, follows him out and sees him go into the whorehouse across the street. He pays the madam and retires to a room with a lovely blonde and goes down on her with gusto. The waitress bursts in and yells, “You complain about a hair in your soup and then come over here and do THIS!???”

  He lifts his head, turns to her and says, “Yeah! And if I find a noodle in here, I’m not paying for it EITHER!!!”

  A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was always asking his wife to quit smoking.

  One afternoon, she lit up after some lovemaking, and he said, “You really should quit.”

  She, getting tired of his nagging, said, “I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.”

  He replied, “But they stunt your growth.”

  She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.

  Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, “So, what’s your excuse?”

  After years of frustration, the Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”

  Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, madam. You don’t know me, but I’ve come to...”

  “Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you,” Mrs. Smith cut in.

  “Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a speciality of babies.”

  “That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?” asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.

  “Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun, too—you can really spread out.”

  “Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”

  “Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”

  “I hope we can get this over with quickly,” gasped Mrs. Smith.

  “Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”

  “Don’t I know!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed.

  The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus in New York.”

  “Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

  “And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”

  The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture. “She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.

  “Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to Central Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around in large numbers, pushing to get a good look.”

  “In large numbers?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

  “Yes,” the photographer said. �
��And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”

  Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, uh ...equipment?”

  “That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”

  “Tripod??” Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.

  “Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold while I’m getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?... Good Lord, she’s fainted!!”

  Tommy O’Connor went to confession and said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”

  “What have you done Tommy O’Connor?”

  “I had sex with a girl.”

  “Who was it, Tommy?”

  “I cannot tell you, Father. Please forgive me for my sin.”

  “Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?”

  “No, Father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.”

  “Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?”

  “No, Father, please forgive me for my sin.”

  “Well, then it has to be Sarah Martha O’Keefe.”

  “No, Father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.”

  “Okay, Tommy, say five Hail Marys and four Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin.”

  So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting.

  “What did you get?” asked Joseph.

  “Well, I got five Hail Marys, four Our Fathers, and three good leads.”

  Q. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

  A. The swallow.