The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  After his day of sightseeing, an American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious-looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, but the smell was wonderful.

  He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”

  The waiter replied, “Ah, señor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull’s balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”

  The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish, said, “What the hell, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”

  The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, señor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”

  The next morning the American returned and placed his order. That evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!”

  The waiter promptly replied, “Si, señor! Sometimes the bull wins!

  When nuns are admitted to heaven, they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels. Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

  “And so,” says St. Peter, “have you ever had any contact with a penis?”

  “Well,” says the first nun in line, “I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger.”

  “OK,” says St. Peter. “Dip your finger in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

  The next nun admits, “Well, yes, I did once get carried away and I, you know, sort of massaged one a bit.”

  “OK,” says St. Peter. “Rinse your hand in the holy water and pass on into heaven.”

  Suddenly there is some jostling in the line and one of the nuns is trying to cut in front.

  “Well now, what’s going on here?” asks St. Peter.

  “Well, your excellency,” says the nun who is trying to improve her position in line, “if I’m going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas sticks her ass in it.”

  A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift, which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg.

  The priest took a look and nearly had an accident. After regaining control of the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

  The nun looked at him and immediately said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

  The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

  Further on, while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again said, “Father, remember Psalm 129?”

  Once again the priest apologized. “Sorry, sister, but the flesh is weak.” Arriving at the convent, the nun got out, gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129.

  It said, “Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory.”

  A man was in a terrible accident and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

  The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for small, $6,500 for medium, $14,000 for large.

  The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

  The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.

  “Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.

  The man answered, “She’d rather have a new kitchen.”

  Doctors say penis is the greatest breakfast because it has a mushroom head, a hotdog, two eggs and cream, which provides all the nutrients necessary to make a woman healthy.

  One day a little cat was walking through the park when he came across a pond. He peered into the pond and noticed that at the bottom of the pond there was a little cocktail sausage. The cat was feeling quite happy, so since the water wasn’t that deep, he reached in with his little paw, hooked the sausage out and ate it.

  The next day the cat was walking through the park again and peered into the pond. There was another sausage in the pond but this time it was a normal sized one, so the cat reached in. This time he had to put both front legs into the pond. The cat hooked the sausage out and ate it.

  The next day things go basically the same and the cat again looks into the pond. There he found an enormous sausage at the bottom of the pond. It looked so delicious but it was so deep that he had to really stretch to get it, and then SPLASH—he fell in.

  The moral of the story: The bigger the sausage, the wetter the pussy!

  A man comes home drunk in the wee hours of the morning to find his wife angry and waiting for him at the door.

  “Out drinking again!?” she says. “How much money did you spend this time?”

  “$200,” answers the man.

  “$200!” she shouts. “That’s ridiculous, spending so much in one night!”

  “Easy for you to say,” he replies. “You don’t smoke, you don’t drink, and you have your own pussy.”

  Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It’s a beautiful day, and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, “Pierre, kiss me!”

  Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot wine and splashes it on Marie’s lips. “What are you doing, Pierre?” asks the startled Marie.

  “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine!”

  She smiles and they start kissing. When things began to heat up a little, Marie says, “Pierre, kiss me lower.”

  Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and starts pouring it all over her breasts.

  “Pierre! What are you doing?” asks the bewildered Marie.

  “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine!”

  They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, “Pierre, kiss me lower!”

  Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights it. Marie shrieks and dives into the river. Standing waist deep in the water, Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously, “PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING?”

  Our hero stands up defiantly and says, “I am Pierre the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!”

  A salesman decides to try for a new job in a department store.

  The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”

  The man says, “Yeah, I’ve been a salesman all my life.”

  The boss liked him, so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

  His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the shop was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?”

  The salesman says, “One.”

  The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

  “$50,237.64.”

  “$50,237.64?? What the hell did you sell him?”

  “First, I sold him some fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said ‘down at the coast’, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that big twin engine job. Then he said he didn’t think his Hond
a Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the car department and sold him a 4x4 Land Rover.”

  The boss said, “Somebody came in here to buy fish hooks and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?”

  “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Well, since your weekend’s fucked, you may as well go fishing.’”

  An attractive young woman had finished taking golf lessons from the club pro. She’d just started playing her first round of golf when she got a bee sting. The pain was so intense she decided to return to the clubhouse.

  Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, “Why are you back so early? What’s wrong?”

  “I was stung by a bee,” was her reply.

  “Where?” he asked.

  “Between the first and second hole.”

  He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your stance is too wide.”

  A man walks into a bar and says “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”

  The bartender says, “Seems as though you’ve got a major stuttering problem.”

  The man replies, “N-n-no k-k-k-idding!”

  The bartender says, “I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One afternoon she gave me oral sex three times in a row, and I haven’t stuttered since!”

  The man says, “W-w-wow, th-th-that’s great to kn-kn-know...”

  A week later, the same man walks in to the bar, and says, “G-g-gimme a b-b-beer.”

  The bartender says, “Why didn’t you try what I told you?”

  “I d-d-did!” said the man. “It j-j-just d-d-didn’t w-w-work... ....b-b-but I m-m-must say, you have a r-r-really n-n-nice apartment!”

  A middle-aged wife had just returned to the house on Saturday afternoon after a shopping trip. She was quite agitated, and proceeded to tell her husband about a certain shoe salesman who had been rude.

  It seems she was sitting down while he helped her try on various shoes, and happened to glance up and notice that she was not wearing any panties. Without even thinking, he just blurted out, “If that thing was full of ice cream, I’d eat every bite.”

  Well, she was understandably insulted, and now wanted to know what her husband was going to do about it.

  The husband just sat there, watching football on TV, and grunted. The wife became hysterical, and insisted on knowing why he didn’t go down to the shop and punch the rude salesman right in the nose.

  “Well,” the husband replied, “there are three reasons I won’t punch that guy in the nose. First of all, you shouldn’t have even been shopping for shoes, since you have a whole wardrobe full of them. Secondly, you have no business going shopping with no panties on. But most of all, I’m not going to punch anyone who’s big enough to eat that much ice cream!”

  Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed,

  As Little Bo Beep was giving him head,

  Just as he came she began to weep,

  She could tell by the taste,

  He’d been screwing her sheep!!

  This girl who is a total Beatles fanatic decides to get John Lennon and Paul McCartney tattooed onto her inner thighs. She takes their pictures to the tattoo artist who says he can do a perfect job of reproducing their images in ink on her inner thighs. Hours later, the job is done. The tattoo artist hands her a mirror, and she is shocked!

  “That sucks...It doesn’t look anything like John or Paul!”

  The tattoo artist is offended. “Of course it does. That looks just like them! Tell you what, ask the first person you see, and I’ll bet you $10 that they say they look just like John and Paul.”

  She takes him up on it, but the place is empty and the first person she finds is an old wino sitting outside on the sidewalk. They call the wino inside. She sits in the chair, spreads her legs and points to the tattoos, “Does this look like John Lennon and Paul McCartney to you?”

  The old wino squints, scratches his head, burps, and slurs, “Well, lady, I don’t know about John Lennon and Paul McCartney, but that guy in the middle looks just like Willie Nelson.”

  A man goes to the doctor and says, “Doc, you’ve got to help me. My dick’s gone orange.”

  The skeptical doctor pauses to think and asks the guy to drop his pants so he can check. Sure enough the guy’s dick is bright orange.

  Doc tells the guy, “This is very strange. Sometimes things like this are caused by a lot of stress in a person’s life.” Probing as to the causes of possible stress, the doctor asks the guy, “How are things going at work?”

  The guy responds that he was fired about six weeks ago and the doctor tells him that this must be the cause of the stress.

  The guy responds, “No. The boss was a bastard. I had to work 20-30 hours of overtime every week and I had no say in anything that was happening. I found a new job a couple of weeks ago where I can set my own hours. I’m getting paid double what I got on the old job and my new boss is really great.”

  So the doc asks the guy, “How’s your home life?”

  The guy says, “Well, I got divorced about eight months ago.”

  The doc figures that this has got to be the reason for all of the guy’s stress.

  The guy says, “No. For years all I listened to was nag, nag, nag. God, am I glad to be rid of that old bitch.”

  So the doctor takes a few minutes to think a little longer. He inquires, “Do you have any hobbies or a social life?”

  The guy replies, “No, not really. Most nights I sit at home, watch porno films and eat cheese puffs.”

  There are three women who always hang their laundry out in the back garden. When it rains, of course, the laundry always gets wet—all the laundry except for Brenda’s. The other two women wonder why Brenda never has her laundry out on the days that it rains.

  So one day they are all out in their back gardens putting their clothes on the line, when one of the women says to Brenda, “How come when it rains your laundry is never out?”

  “Well,” says Brenda, “when I wake up in the morning I look over at Paul. If his prick is hanging over his right leg, I know it’s going to be a great day and I can hang the laundry outside. If his prick is hanging over his left leg, I know it’s going to rain, so I don’t hang it out.”

  “What if it is pointed up?” asks one of the women.

  “Well,” says Brenda, “on a day like that you don’t do the laundry!”

  Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, “Your mom’s the best sex in town!”

  Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him, so the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy and says, “I just screwed your mom, and it was s-w-e-e-t!”

  Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, “Your mom loved it!”

  Finally, the guy just can’t take it anymore. He looks at the drunk and yells, “Go home, Dad! You’re drunk again!”

  After having their 11th child, a redneck couple decided that was enough. They could not afford a larger house so the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/ cousin didn’t want to have any more children.

  The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

  The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (small firework), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

  The redneck said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man but I don’t see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

  So, the couple drove to get a second opinion. The second doctor was just about to tell them about the medical procedure for a vasectomy, when he realized how truly backward these people were. This doctor instead told him to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

&nbs
p; Figuring that both physicians couldn’t be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count “1...2...3...4...5...” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand...

  A woman walks into the doctor’s office but doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her.

  When he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she disrobes. After he turns out the lights she says, “Where will I put my clothes?”

  “Hang them up over here,” he says. “Next to mine.”

  At the end of a long work week, a group of coal miners discovered that one of them, young Billy, was a virgin. Well, they decided this wasn’t right, and pooled their money to remedy the situation. They talked him into going out for a night on the town, got him all cleaned up, and drove to the local brothel.

  Upon entering, the ring leader went to the madam, explained the situation and gave her $100. She assured him she would sort Billy out and they all left Billy there to enjoy himself.

  Being naive, Billy asked the madam what was going on. She explained to him that he was about to become a man, courtesy of his friends.

  “All you have to do is choose one of my girls and she will take care of you.”

  Well, Billy looked around at the group of women before him and, after several minutes of pondering, picked a likely looking girl to take upstairs.

  Once they were in their room, the girl said to Billy, “I hear you’re a virgin boy. So what’s your pleasure? You want missionary, Greek, doggy style, ‘round the world’, 69 or what?”

  Billy said, “Gosh, ma’am, give me what you think I ought to have.”

  “No, boy, I’m a professional. You need to tell me what you want.”

  Billy decided a 69 sounded pretty good, so they settled into the proper position. After several minutes of missing the target, Billy finally got it right and was starting to enjoy it. Sadly, the whore had beans for dinner and let loose a little fart in his face.