The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  Billy shook his head, thinking it was part of the fun, and continued licking away.

  A little while later, she passed wind again.

  Billy still thought it was part of the fun and dived back in with a vengeance, licking like there was no tomorrow.

  A few minutes later, she really let loose with a fart that curled Billy’s eyebrows.

  He pushed her off his face and said, “I don’t want you to think I’m not enjoying myself or anything, but I’ll be dammned if I can take another 66 of those.”

  A commercial traveler was driving through the Scottish Highlands when his car broke down. There was a cottage near by so he went up to it and knocked on the door. The door opened to reveal a burly Highlander. “My car has conked out,” said the traveler. “Where can I spend the night?”

  “Why, right here of course!” said the Scot. “Come in and avail yourself of our world famous hospitality.”

  The traveler duly entered the humble but cosy residence.

  “Jeannie,” shouted the host in the direction of the kitchen, and in response to his call his beautiful daughter appeared. “Jeannie, make a meal for the gentleman and remember to uphold our great tradition of Highland hospitality.”

  The traveler was soon tucking into an appetizing meal. The girl had indeed spared no effort to extend Highland hospitality to the guest.

  “And now,” said the Highlander, “I’m afraid I must go out and milk the cows, but just make yourself at home and take full advantage of our world-famous Highland hospitality.”

  No sooner had the door closed behind him than the traveler set about seducing the lovely daughter. In no time at all he had her on the floor and was on the job. Suddenly, the door opened and there stood the Highlander. He took one look at what was going on and his face turned purple with rage. He dropped his two buckets of milk with a crash and gave verbal vent to his wrath.

  “After all I have been saying about the Highland hospitality,” he roared. “Arch your back, woman, and take the poor man’s balls off the cold floor.”

  A missionary is sent into deepest, darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read and write, and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil of sexual sin.

  “Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!”

  One day, the wife of one of the tribe’s noblemen gave birth to a white child. The village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the missionary.

  “You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our village. I know what you’ve done!”

  The missionary replies, “Oh no, my good man, you are mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence called an albino. Look in yonder field! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one black sheep. Nature does this on occasion.”

  The chief pauses a moment, and then says, “Tell you what... you don’t say anything about the sheep, and I won’t say anything about the kid.”

  A ventriloquist walked up to a farmer and said, “I’ll bet I can make your horse talk.”

  Farmer: “Horses don’t talk.”

  Ventriloquist: “Watch this. Hi, horse. How does your master treat you?”

  Horse: “Oh, he is good to me. He gives me food, water and he keeps me out of the sun.”

  Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make your dog talk.”

  Farmer: “Dogs can’t talk.”

  Ventriloquist: “Watch this. Dog, how are you? Does your master treat you well?”

  Dog: “Oh! He treats me well. He gives me food, water and he plays ball with me.”

  Ventriloquist: “I’ll bet I can make your sheep talk.”

  Farmer: “Sheep, lie! Sheep, lie!”

  Three sisters, Monica, Phoebe and Fanny, are all invited to a party, so they go to buy new dancing shoes. Monica comes home with a new pair of size 9 stilettos, Phoebe buys a pair of size 10 strappy sandals but poor Fanny, who takes a manly size 14, is forced to go in men’s wingtips. At the party, Fanny sits alone in the corner watching her sisters cut a rug on the dance floor.

  While the two sisters are dancing, two men approach and point down at their feet, “Wow, those are huge feet!” one of the men exclaims.

  “If you think those are big,” replies Monica proudly, “wait till you see our Fanny’s!”

  A man and a woman are sitting beside each other on a flight to New York.

  The woman sneezes, takes out a tissue, gently wipes her nose and then visibly shudders for about ten seconds.

  A few minutes later the woman sneezes again. Once more, she takes a tissue, wipes her nose and then shudders.

  A few more minutes pass before the woman sneezes and violently shudders again.

  Curious, the man says, “I can’t help noticing that you shudder every time you sneeze. Are you OK?”

  “I’m so sorry if I’m disturbing you,” says the woman. “I’m suffering from a very rare medical condition. Whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm.”

  “Are you taking anything for it?” he asks.

  “Yes,” says the woman. “Pepper.”

  A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. In front of him he sees a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:

  If you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.

  COST $5.

  So he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pisses on the floor. So the guy takes the money and leaves.

  The next day the same guy walks in the bar again and sees the horse and the jar. This time it says:

  You can win all of this if you make the horse cry.

  COST $10.

  So he puts in ten dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom. Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like nobody ever has.

  So the guy takes the jar but before he could leave the bartender asks, “How did you do that?”

  The guy says, “The first time I told him my dick was bigger than his and the second time I showed him!”

  Q. What’s the definition of a Yankee?

  A. Same thing as a “quickie,” only you do it yourself.

  Anagrams

  Mel Gibson—Big melons

  Gloria Estefan—Large fat noise

  Martina Navratilova—Variant rival to a man

  Gabriela Sabatini—Insatiable airbag

  Irritable Bowel Syndrome—O my terrible drains below

  Evangelist—Evil’s Agent

  Desperation—A Rope Ends It

  The Morse Code—Here Come Dots

  Mother-in-law—Woman Hitler

  Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself: television, ice cream, homework, and video games, but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.

  The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and go home. At this point, the boy’s uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions.

  After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny’s uncle, “What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven’t heard a peep from him all day!”

  “Not much,” the boy’s uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”

  Going fishing is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

  First, you clean and inspect your tackle, then carefully pull back your rod cover and remove any dirt or
grunge that may have built up while not in use. Then you extend your rod to its full length and check that there are no kinks or any wear, particularly at the base where the grip is usually applied.

  Make sure you’ve got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there’s plenty of weight in your sack.

  Q. How many yuppies does it take to screw in a light bulb?

  A. None, yuppies only do it in jacuzzis.

  Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties and local bars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink by a woman. Many females use a date rape drug on the market called “Beer.”

  The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large “kegs.” Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him to come home with her for no strings attached sex.

  Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific-looking women who they would never normally be attracted to. After drinking Beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that “something bad” occurred.

  At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life’s savings, in a familiar scam known as “a relationship.” In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as “marriage.” Men are much more susceptible to this scam after Beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

  Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this “Beer” scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men. For the support group nearest you, just look up “Golf Courses” in the phone book.

  Q. What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?

  A. Her ankles.

  Three Englishmen are out drinking one night and decide to pick a fight. They stagger through town looking for a victim, until they come across an Irishman sitting alone in a pub.

  “Watch this,” says the first Englishman, heading over to the guy. “I hear that St. Patrick was a fag.”

  “Really?” says the Irishman, calmly continuing to drink.

  With that the second English guy decides to join in, “Yeah, and he was a pervert, too.”

  “Is that so?” the still calm Irishman responds.

  Determined to rouse him, the third Englishman staggers up and slurs, “Hey, did you know St. Patrick was really an Englishman?”

  The Irish guy casually looks up and says, “Yeah, so your friends were telling me.”

  A very attractive blonde arrives at a casino and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.

  “I hope you don’t mind,” she says, “but I feel much luckier when I am completely naked.”

  With that, she strips from the neck down, rolls the dice and yells out, “Yes! I’ve won! I’ve won!” She jumps up and down, hugs each of the dealers, scoops up all the chips on the table as well as her clothes and then quickly departs.

  The dealers stare at each other utterly dumbfounded.

  Finally, one of them asks, “So, what did she roll?”

  “No idea,” replies the other. “I thought you were watching the dice.”

  A sign over a gynecologist’s office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

  Q. What do blondes and spaghetti have in common?

  A. They both wriggle when you eat them.

  Q. Why is marriage a three-ring circus?

  A. First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring and then the suffering.

  A man returns home early from work one afternoon to find his wife spread out on the bed naked, puffing and panting.

  “What are you doing?” the man inquires.

  “Err,” she stammers back. “I… um… I think I’m having a heart attack!”

  “Oh,” cries the gullible husband, “quick, I’ll call an ambulance!”

  He runs downstairs, picks up the phone and begins dialing 911, when his son Johnny appears, sobbing his little heart out.

  “What’s the matter, son?” asks the father.

  “Uncle James is in the closet with no clothes on, Daddy,” replies his tearful toddler.

  Enraged, the man runs back upstairs, flings open the wardrobe and finds his brother there absolutely naked, just as his son had said.

  “You bastard, Jim,” screams the man. “My wife is over there having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring Johnny!”

  How to impress a woman: Compliment her, cuddle her, kiss her, caress her, love her, tease her, comfort her, protect her, hug her, hold her, spend money on her, wine and dine her, care for her, stand by her, support her, go the ends of the earth for her.

  How to impress a man: Turn up naked with beer.

  A young man is out walking his dog in the park, when a beautiful young woman stops to admire the animal.

  “What’s your dog’s name?” she asks flirtatiously.

  “Herpes,” replies the dog’s owner.

  “How odd!” exclaims the woman. “Why in the world did you name your dog Herpes?”

  The young man replies, “Because he just won’t heel.”

  Patrick O’Malley raised his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life between the legs of my wife!” And he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

  In bed later that night, he told his wife, “Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night.”

  She said, “What was your toast?”

  So he told her, “Here’s to spending the rest of my life sitting in church beside my wife.”

  “Oh,” she said, “that is very nice, dear.”

  The next day, Mary ran into one of Patrick’s drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said, “Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?”

  She replied: “Yes—and I was a bit surprised. ‘Til now, he’s only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

  A man staying at a nice London hotel finds a card in the telephone box offering sexual services.

  He calls the number and says, “I’d like some doggy-style, some sixty-nining and some mild bondage—is that OK?”

  “It all sounds very interesting, sir,” the lady replies, “but you might like to dial 9 for an outside line first.”

  A husband walks into the bedroom holding two aspirin and a glass of water. His wife asks, “What’s that for?”

  “It’s for your headache.”

  “I don’t have a headache.”

  “Gotcha!”

  A man and his wife are sound asleep in bed when the phone rings.

  The man picks up, listens for a second and says, “How the hell would I know, you idiot? I’m not a weatherman,” before slamming down the receiver.

  “Who was that?” asks his wife.

  “Wrong number. It was some idiot asking if the coast was clear.”

  Q. How do you know when you are getting old?

  A. When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

  A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer won’t be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap three-year-old house scotch instead.

  The man takes a sip, spits the scotch out on the bar and screams at the bartender, “This is the cheapest three-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.”

  The bartender, now enjoying the challenge, pours the man a slightly better six-year-old scotch. Again, the man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This i
s only six-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this. I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch.”

  The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality 12-year-old scotch.

  At that point, an old drunk who has witnessed the entire episode from the end of the bar walks up to the expert scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him.

  “What do you think of this?” he asks.

  The guru takes a sip, and, in disgust, spits out the yellow liquid, yelling, “It tastes like piss!”

  “That’s right,” says the drunk, “now tell me how old I am.”

  A blonde, a brunette and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

  “Hey, girls,” says the brunette one day, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

  So the next day they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss.

  She quietly sneaks out of the house and vows to return home at her normal time the next day.

  In the morning, the brunette says, “That was fun, we should do it again sometime.”

  “No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

  Q. Why are hurricanes named after women?

  A. Because when they come, they’re wild and wet, and when they go they take your house and car with them.

  A man lies on his deathbed surrounded by his family, a weeping wife and four children.

  Three of the children are tall, good-looking and athletic, but the fourth and the youngest is an ugly runt.