The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  I fell for this vicious, nasty-minded scam last Monday, also Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn’t find them Saturday or Sunday…

  Q. Why is the penis so depressed?

  A. His closest friends are two nuts who live next to an asshole.

  A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune, she thought to herself I’ll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out. It read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs. and you’re going to Chicago, Illinois.” So she sat back down and thought about it. She thought to herself that it probably told everyone the same thing and went to try it again.

  So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, and a card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to play a fiddle.”

  She said to herself, I know that’s wrong. I have never played a musical instrument in my life. She sat back down and this cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down. She picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said, “This is incredible. I’ve got to try it again.”

  So she went back to the machine, put her nickel in and another card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to break wind.”

  She thought, I know it’s wrong now. I’ve never broken wind in public in my life. Well, she tripped and fell down the stairs and farted like a donkey. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself, “This is truly unbelievable—I’ve got to try it one more time.”

  She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you’re going to Chicago, Illinois, and you’re going to have sex.” She thought, Ah-hah that does it—I know for sure it’s wrong now. I’m a nun, I have never had sex, and am not ever going to have sex.

  Well, a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off, and during the black-out she got raped.She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said, “This is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain—I’ve got to try it one last time just to see what is going to happen to me before I leave this airport.”

  She went over to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out that read, “You’re a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled, farted and fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!”

  Mr. Perkins, the biology teacher at a girl’s prep school, said during class, “Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body that, under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions.”

  Miss Smith gasped, then said coldly, “Mr. Perkins, I don’t think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this.”

  With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, “The pupil of the eye, in dim light.”

  “Correct,” said Mr. Perkins. “And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your homework. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment.”

  A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick, so she proceeded to find herself a rich 75-year-old man, and planned to screw him to death on their wedding night.

  The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half-century age difference. The first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed.

  When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a condom to cover a twelve-inch erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of nose plugs.

  Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked, “What are those for?”

  The elderly groom replied, “There are two things I can’t stand: the sound of a woman screaming and the smell of burning rubber.”

  Q. Why do women have two sets of lips?

  A. So they can piss and moan at the same time.

  There is a white Superman, a black Superman and a Chinese Superman on top of a skyscraper. They are all having a contest to see who has the longest dick.

  The white Superman pulls down his tights and BLUM, BLUM, BLUM, his cock unrolls down the side of the building and across the street.

  The black Superman says, “That’s shit—watch this,” and pulls down his tights. BLUM, BLUM, BLUM, BLUM, CRASH!!! His cock unrolls down the side of the building, across the street and up the next building, then smashes through a window.

  Now, the white Superman and the black Superman are looking at the Chinese Superman, who by this time is laughing his ass off! So, the black and white Supermen say, “What’s so funny? Show us your cock!” So the Chinese Superman pulls out his dick and it’s only three inches long, but he’s still laughing.

  Puzzled, the black and white Supermen ask, “What the fuck is so funny?!”

  The Chinese Superman says, “There is steamroller coming down street!”

  Definition:

  Self deception: masturbating and then faking an orgasm.

  Mistress: something between mister and mattress.

  Lesbian: another woman trying to do a man’s job.

  I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:1. I do physical labor.

  2. I work at great depths.

  3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

  4. I do not get weekends off or public holidays.

  5. I work in a damp environment.

  6. I don’t get paid overtime.

  7. I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

  8. I work in high temperatures.

  9. My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

  Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg?

  A. They don’t stop to ask for directions.

  Thor, the god of thunder, assumes mortal form, comes down to earth on a Friday night and goes to a singles bar.

  He ends up going home with a beautiful woman. They spend the weekend in her place making passionate love, over and over again.

  Come Monday morning, Thor decides to reveal his true identity, saying, “I am Thor!”

  The woman looks at him and replies, “You’re thor! I’m tho thor I can hardly pith!”

  Dear Penis,

  After assessing your request and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons: 1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

  2. You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods.

  3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

  4. You do not stay in your allocated position and often visit other areas.

  5. You do not take initiative—you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

  6. You leave the workplace messy at the end of your shift.

  7. You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

  8. You’ll retire well before reaching 65.

  9. You’re unable to work double shifts.

  10. You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed the day’s work.

  11. And if that were not enough, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying two suspicious looking bags.

  Sincerely,

  The Management

  Q. What’s a wife?

  A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

  A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes aw
ay from her. The young woman noticed his overly attentive stare and walked directly towards him.

  Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, “I’ll do anything, absolutely anything that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition.”

  Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

  The young woman replied, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”

  The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand. He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully, said, “Paint my house.”

  Three priests were taking a shower together in the church. They ran out of soap. Thinking the church was empty, one walked naked down the hall to the supply closet.

  Half way back, the naked priest saw three nuns walking towards him. He immediately froze and pretended to be a statue.

  The first nun took one look and said, “What a realistic looking statue!”

  The second nun reached and felt the priest’s dick, and he dropped the bar of soap. “Wow a dispenser!” she exclaimed.

  The third nun reached over, pulled on his dick and said, “Hand cream too!”

  Q. Did you hear about the guy who entered his dog in the show?

  A. He got 16 months.

  Two guys had been having a few beers at the bar together, recounting old times, when the call of nature caused them to line up at the urinal together at the same time, still deep in conversation. But Fred could hardly ignore the fact that Chas was very well-endowed.

  “Goodness, that’s a remarkable schlong you have there, buddy,” Fred was prompted to remark.

  “Wasn’t always that way,” replied Chas. “Medical science can do wonders with transplants these days,” he said. “I got this done over in Beverly Hills. Cost a thousand bucks, but as you can see, it’s well worth every cent.”

  Fred was very envious. In fact, he packed his bag that night and flew off to Beverly Hills first thing.

  It was a good six months later before he ran into his old buddy once again and Fred could hardly wait to tell him that he had taken his advice and was really pleased with the result.

  “But, Chas, I will tell you something else,” said Fred. “You were cheated; I got mine for $500, not a thousand.”

  Chas could hardly believe it. Same address in Beverly Hills, same doctor. Complaining that he had been ripped off, he asked Fred if he could take a look.

  Once more they lined up at the urinal and when Chas took a peek over the partition the worried frown which had creased his face disappeared. “No wonder,” he laughed. “That’s my old one!”

  A stranded Martian came upon two beautiful damsels in a nudist camp. He looked them over with obvious approval, then said, “Take me to your tailor!”

  A date was arranged for an old fashioned visitor from America with a lively Irish girl. They strolled in the park under the moonlight until they came to a secluded spot where he kissed her several times lightly on the cheek.

  “That, my dear,” he said, “is called spooning.”

  “Spooning may be all right for you,” she replied, “but I would rather shovel!”

  I said to my coworker one day, “Man, your new girlfriend sure is big and ugly.”

  And he said, “So is my dick, but that doesn’t stop me from having a good time with it.”

  A woman went to see her psychiatrist. “I’m really concerned,” she said. “The other day I found my daughter and the little boy next door together naked and examining each other’s bodies and giggling.”

  The psychiatrist smiled. “That’s nothing to worry about—it’s pretty normal.”

  “Well, I don’t know,” said the woman. “It worries me. It worries my daughter’s husband too.”

  Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take off, a fat little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, “I think I’ll go up and get a Coke.”

  “No problem,” said the Israeli. “I’ll get it for you.”

  While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli’s shoe and spat in it.

  When the Israeli returned with the Coke, the other Arab said, “That looks good. I think I’ll have one too.” Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he was gone the second Arab picked up the other shoe and spat in it.

  The Israeli returned with the Coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York. As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

  “How long must this go on?” he asked. “This animosity between our peoples, this hatred, this hostility, this spitting in shoes—and peeing in Cokes?”

  The other day, my friends and had a girls’ night out. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his right buttock!

  Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his left buttock.

  In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulled out a $50 bill and called the guy over. I was worried about the way things were going, but she licked the bill and just stuck it to one of his buttocks as well.

  Seeing the way things were going, the guy gyrated over to me! Now everyone’s attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try and top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do? I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80, and went home.

  Naomi Campbell, Claudia Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a super models’ conference in Paris, when the captain of the plane announces, “We have just lost power to the engines and are going to make an emergency crash landing. Assume the brace position immediately!”

  Immediately, the three models start preparing for the worst. Claudia pulls out lipstick and makeup and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask, “What the hell are you doing fixing your makeup when we are about to fucking crash?!”

  Claudia responds, “I know for a fact the rescue workers will search for and save first the ones who have the best looking faces, which is why I am putting on my makeup.”

  Cindy Crawford rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the laws of gravity. Totally confused, Naomi and Claudia shout, “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die!”

  Cindy responds, “I have heard that in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the women with big beautiful breasts first, which is why I am exposing my tits!”

  Not hesitating, Naomi Campbell pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle. Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell, “Naomi, are you crazy?? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”

  Calmly, Naomi responds, “Bitches, please! I know for a fact that the first thing rescue workers look for in plane crashes is a black box!”

  A young man is starting his first ever job at a morgue. The boss of the morgue thinks, I’ll throw him in at the deep end on his first day, give him a real challenge. So he takes the young man to a door and he tells the young man, “Behind this door is a room with nothing in it apart from a dead old woman lying completely naked on a slab. You have to go in and inspect her body.”

  “Inspect her body?” the young man asks.

  “Yes,” replies the boss. “Check if everything’s OK.”

  So the young man goes through the door into the room, and the boss waits outside. After what seems like a very long time, the young man comes out of the room.

  “Everything OK?” asks the boss
.

  “Yes,” answers the young man, “except one thing. She’s got a prawn stuck up her pussy.”

  “She’s got a prawn stuck up her pussy!!?” exclaims the boss, astonished.

  “Yes,” replies the young man.

  The boss decides he has to go and check this. So he goes into the room and the young man waits outside. The boss quickly returns, and the young man says, “See, I told you.”

  “That’s not a prawn, that’s her clitoris!” explains the boss.

  “Well, it tasted like a prawn,” answers the young man.

  A man was in a long line at the supermarket. As he got to the checkout he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.

  So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to register.

  She asked, “What size condoms?” The customer replied that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said,

  “One box of large condoms to register 5.”

  The next man in line thought this was interesting and, like most of us, was up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register, he told the checkout girl that he too had forgotten to get condoms, and asked if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants. He did, and she gave him a quick feel, picked up the store intercom and said,