The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  “One box of medium-sized condoms to register 5.”

  A few customers back there was a teenage boy. He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool. He had never had any type of sexual contact with a live female, so he thought this was his chance. When he got up to the register, he told the girl he needed some condoms. She asked him what size, and he said he didn’t know. She asked him to drop his pants and he did. She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze, then picked up the intercom and said,

  “Clean up at register 5!”

  A guy was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake, and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, a friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

  “Yes, but you know how I love to fish.”

  “But aren’t you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

  “Yes, but she’s got gonorrhea, and you know how I love to fish.”

  A few hours later the guide said, “I understand, but that’s not the only way to have sex.”

  “I know, but she’s got diarrhea, and you know how I love to fish.”

  The following day the guide said, “Sure, but that’s still not the only way to have sex.”

  “Yeah, but she’s got chlamydia, and you know how I love to fish.”

  Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated, the guide said, “I guess I’m not sure why you’d marry someone with health problems like that.”

  “It’s ’cause she’s also got worms, and you know I just love to fish.”

  Q. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?

  A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.

  Q. What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

  A. After a year the dog is still excited to see you.

  I was walking in the park one bright, sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, I could see that she looked about nine years old. She was all dressed up in her Sunday best, with her freshly scrubbed face—just as cute as could be. Tugging on the leash was a well groomed terrier.

  As we met on the path, I greeted her, “Hi there. My, aren’t you pretty today and what a fine-looking dog you have.”

  “Thank you, sir,” she said. “And what a nice day this is, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, it is,” I answered. “My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you’re wearing.”

  “Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me. Isn’t it lovely?” she asked with a beaming smile.

  “Yes, very lovely,” I answered. “By the way, what’s your dog’s name?”

  “Oh, sir, my dog’s name is ‘Porky.’ Isn’t that cute?”

  “Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him ‘Porky?’”

  “Because he fucks pigs!”

  An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

  A German doctor said, “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

  A Russian doctor said, “In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

  The American doctor, not to be outdone, said “Ha! We took an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work tomorrow.”

  A physically large guy meets a woman at a bar and after a number of drinks they agree to go back to his place.

  As they are making out in the bedroom, ready for the act, he stands up and starts to undress. After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, “See there, baby? That’s 1,000 pounds of dynamite!”

  She begins to drool. The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder’s pose, and says, referring to his bulging legs, “See those, baby? That’s 1,000 pounds of dynamite!” She is aching for action at this point.

  Finally, he drops his underpants, and she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

  He catches her before she is able to run out the door and asks, “Why are you in such a hurry to leave?”

  She replies, “With 2,000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!”

  Q. What’s the ultimate rejection?

  A. When you’re masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

  Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look good?

  A. Give it a nipple.

  Two gay guys are driving down the street when they see a dog on the side of the road licking its prick. “I sure wish I could do that,” said one of them.

  To which the other replied,

  “Don’t you think you ought to pet him first??”

  Three guys are discussing women. “I like to watch a woman’s tits best,” the first guy says.

  The second says, “I like to look at a woman’s ass.” He asks the third guy, “What about you?”

  “Me? I prefer to see the top of her head.”

  When Mrs. Ghandi went to Moscow, Khrushchev took her for a tour of the city in his limo. Recalling his visit to India, he started giving her a hard time about the sanitary conditions there.

  “When I was in Delhi, I saw human excrement lying everywhere.” Poor Mrs. Ghandi was terribly embarrassed, but only for a moment, because just ahead was a man sitting on his heels, shitting on the side of the road. She pointed this out.

  Khrushchev was livid and didn’t hesitate. “Driver, get out immediately and shoot that man!”

  The driver got out, walked up to the man with his gun drawn, spoke briefly, and then returned to the car.

  “Sir, I can’t shoot that man. He’s the Indian ambassador.”

  Joe: I got a problem.

  Ed: What’s the matter?

  Joe: Women. I just don’t understand them.

  Ed: Do you understand your TV?

  Joe: No.

  Ed: So what’s the problem?

  Your basic virgin female was all set to get married to a virile man, when her mother took her aside for a little pre-nuptial advice.

  “Dear, I know you love this man,” the mother began, “and we’ve tried to welcome him into our family. But there is something you must know. Men like to make love in a disgusting way, so if he ever asks you to turn over before making love, DON’T do it. It’s degrading and painful, and it will ruin your marriage.”

  So the wedding was fine. The happy couple enjoyed their first month of marital bliss, and then one night, the man said to his wife, “Honey, let’s try making love a little differently tonight. Why don’t you roll over?”

  The woman lost it. “You brute,” she sobbed. “My mother warned me about you men. I can’t believe you would do this to me.”

  “But, honey,” the startled man replied, “I just thought you might want to have children.”

  A guy decides to join the navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, “What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?”

  To which the other replies,

  “Well, there is a barrel on the upper deck—just pump your cock in the side with the hole.”

  Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to the upper deck and sees it. He flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. It’s simply the best feeling he has ever experienced—truly a success!

  After he’s done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. “That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!”

  To which the other crew member replies, “Yeah, you can do it every day except Thursda
y.”

  Confused, the new guy asks, “Why?”

  The other guy replies, “Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday.”

  A very good-looking man walks into a singles bar, gets a drink and takes a seat. During the course of the evening, he tries to chat with every single woman who walks into the bar, with no luck. Suddenly a really ugly man—and I mean a REALLY ugly man—walks into the bar. He sits at the bar, and within seconds he is surrounded by women. Very soon he walks out of the bar with two of the most beautiful women you’ve ever seen.

  Disheartened by all this, the good-looking man asks the barman, “Excuse me, but that really ugly man just came in here and left with those two stunning women—what’s his secret? He’s as ugly as sin and I’m everything a girl could want, but I have not been able to hook-up all night. What’s going on?”

  “Well,” says the barman, “I don’t know how he does it, but he does the same thing every night. He walks in, orders a drink, and just sits there licking his eyebrows...”

  A man comes home from work and finds his daughter in bed with a vibrator.

  “What are you doing?” he asks.

  “This has been my husband for the last four years,” she replies.

  The next day, the daughter finds her father in bed with her vibrator stuffed up his butt. He’s drinking a pint of Guinness.

  “What the hell are you doing?” she cries.

  He replies, “I’m just having a beer with my son-in-law.”

  A lady goes to the doctor’s office and tells the doctor that she can’t get her husband to have sex with her anymore. So, the doctor gives her some pills and says to give her husband one each night in his dinner whenever she wants to have sex.

  That night she gave him one and they had a decent night of sex. The next night she decided to try four pills and she had even better sex. Well, the next night she tried eight pills and the sex was wonderful. So the next night she decided to dump the whole bottle in his dinner.

  The next day her son showed up at the doctor’s office and and said, “Doctor, Doctor, what did you do to my Daddy? My mom’s dead, my sister’s pregnant, my butt hurts, and my dad’s going around saying, ‘Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!’”

  There was a papa mole, a mamma mole and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell sausage!”

  Mamma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, “Mmmm, I smell pancakes!”

  Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn’t because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, “The only thing I smell is molasses.”

  Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jones’s wife died the same day that Joe’s rowboat filled with water and sank.

  A few days later, a kind old lady met Joe and, mistaking him for John, said, “Oh, Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible.”

  Joe smiled and said, “Well, I am not a bit sorry—she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she leaked water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so bad I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like a faucet. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them that she wasn’t so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was that the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once, and it was too much for her! She cracked right up the middle.”

  Before he could finish, the old lady fainted!

  The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually, his turn came.

  Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

  Well, the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

  “It’s a period,” reported Johnny.

  “Well, I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period?”

  “Damned if I know,” said Johnny. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then daddy had a heart attack, mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

  Q. What do you call two lesbians in a canoe?

  A. Fur traders.

  A guy was playing golf and a golf ball hit him in the balls and he passed out. His friends took him to the doctor.

  The man asked him, “Well, what do you think, Doc?”

  The doctor replied, “We’re going to have to put in a support for about a week.” He then took four tongue depressors and tied them all together with string.

  The man’s face looked disappointed. He told the doctor, “But tonight my girlfriend and I are going to have sex for the first time.”

  The doctor replied, “You’re going to have to bear with it.”

  Later that night, the man and his girlfriend were alone. She took off her shirt and grabbed her breasts, “No one has ever seen these before.”

  The man pulled out his cock and said, “Well, mine’s still in the crate!”

  A married couple have been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day, a second man washes up on shore. He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky. The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there. “Now we will be able to have three people doing eight-hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts.”

  The newcomer is only too happy to help, and in fact, volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch. Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper.

  The second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

  They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

  A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, “Hey, no screwing!”

  Again they yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

  Later, they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again, the second man yells down, “Hey, I said no screwing!”

  They yell back, “We’re not screwing!”

  Eventually, the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband. He’s not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it. The husband looks out from the tower and says, “Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they’re screwing.”

  A guy was rescued from a desert island after he’d spent six months there after a shipwreck. Later his friend asked, “What was it like?”

  He smiled ruefully, “Well, it was pretty bad—only pineapples and coconuts to eat, and soon the pineapples ran out.”

  “Bet you missed sex?”

  “Well, there was an ostrich there, and if I could catch it with its head in the sand I could go up behind and give it one.”

  “What was it like?”

  “Well, it was OK for the first fifty yards. Then I fell out of step.”

  A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. “I’m sorry, sir, but I am blind and can’t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer. I’ll smell it and order from there.”

  A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pil
e and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man’s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

  “Ah, yes, that’s what I’ll have. Meatloaf and mashed potatoes.”

  Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner’s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

  “Sir, remember me? I’m the blind man.”

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I’ll go get you a dirty fork.” The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

  After another deep breath, the blind man says, “That smells great. I’ll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli.” Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is fooling him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he’s going to test him.

  The blind man eats and leaves.

  He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, “Mary, rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man.” Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

  As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. “Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.”

  The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, “Hey, I didn’t know that Mary worked here!”