The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  The wife is so excited, she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She is jumping up and down, so excited she cannot even believe what is going on.

  She says, “I am ready to go. Let’s go pay.”

  The husband says, “No, no, no, honey, we’re not going to buy all this stuff.”

  The wife’s face goes blank.

  “No, honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

  Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the husband says, “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man!!!”

  One day a pregnant wife announced to her husband that she was going to start looking for names for their unborn child. When the father got home from work the mother held up a baby book and said that if the baby was a girl the name was going to be Ophelia. The husband didn’t like the name. But he said, “That’s a good name—it reminds me of a girl I dated in college.”

  The next day the mother had changed the name to Sarah.

  Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like, so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once inside, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That’s when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man.

  The man asked the boy, “What’s wrong, young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!”

  The little boy replied, “My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I’d turn to stone, and all of a sudden I felt something go hard!”

  A married man keeps telling his wife, “Darling, you have such a beautiful butt.” Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt.

  The man’s birthday is coming up, so the wife decides to get the words Beautiful Butt tattooed on her ass.

  She walks in and tells the tattoo artist that her husband thinks she has a beautiful butt.

  He looks and says, “Yes, you do have a beautiful butt.”

  She then tells the man she wants “Beautiful Butt” tattooed on her ass.

  The man tells her, “I can’t fit that on your ass—it takes up too much space. But I tell you what, I will tattoo the letters BB on each cheek and that can stand for beautiful butt.”

  She agrees and gets it done.

  On the man’s birthday she hears him come home and she’s only wearing a robe. She then stands at the top of the stairs.

  He opens the door and she says, “Look, dear.” She then takes off the robe she is wearing, bends over and the man yells, “Who the fuck is Bob?!”

  A woman says to her husband that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

  Her husband tells her, “Hey, you don’t need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery.”

  His wife asks, “How can I do it without surgery?”

  “Just rub toilet paper between them.”

  Startled, the lady asks, “How does that make them bigger?”

  “I don‘t know, but it worked for your ass.”

  A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

  He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.”

  She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car.

  After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”

  She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”

  There is a man who wants a pure wife. So he starts to attend church to find a woman. He meets a young lady who seems nice so he takes her home. When they get there, he whips out his manhood and asks, “What’s this?”

  She replies, “A cock.”

  He thinks to himself that she is not pure enough.

  A couple of weeks later he meets another young lady and soon takes her home. Again, he pulls out his manhood and asks the question.

  She replies, “A cock.”

  He is pissed off because she seemed more pure than the first.

  A couple of weeks later he meets a girl who seems really pure. She won’t go home with him for a long time, but eventually he gets her to his house. He whips it out and asks, “What is this?”

  She giggles and says, “A pee-pee.”

  He thinks to himself that he has finally found his woman.

  They get married but after several months every time she sees his member she giggles and says, “That’s your pee-pee.”

  He finally breaks down and says, “Look, this is not a pee-pee, it is a cock.”

  She laughs and says, “No it’s not. A cock is ten inches long and black.”

  A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after he is through examining her he says, “I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth.”

  The woman then says, “Ooooohhhh, the pain is so awful I’d rather have a baby!”

  To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind—I have to adjust the chair.”

  Once upon a time in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

  The frog hopped into the princess’ lap and said, “Elegant lady, I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper young prince that I am. Then, my sweet, we can marry and set up house in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and feel forever grateful doing so.”

  That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don’t fucking think so.

  A woman had been away for two days visiting a sick friend in another town. When she returned, her little boy greeted her by saying, “Mommy, guess what! Yesterday I was playing in the closet in your bedroom and daddy came into the room with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into your bed, and then daddy got on top of her...”

  Sonny’s mother held up her hand. “Not another word. Wait until your father comes home and then I want you to tell him exactly what you’ve just told me.”

  The father came home. As he walked into the house, his wife said, “I’m leaving you. I’m packing now and I’m leaving you.”

  “But why?” asked the startled father.

  “Go ahead, Sonny. Tell daddy just what you told me.”

  “Well,” Sonny said, “I was playing in your bedroom closet and daddy came upstairs with the lady next door and they got undressed and got into bed and daddy got on top of her, and then they did just what you did with uncle John when daddy was away last summer.”

  Dave walks into a bar and sees his buddy Jeff huddled near the bar, depressed. Dave walks over and asks Jeff what’s wrong.

  “Well,” replies Jeff, “you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got a hard-on every time I saw her?”

  “Yes,” replies Dave with a smile.

  “Well,” says Jeff, straightening up, “I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed.”

  “That’s great!” says Dave. “When are you going out?”

  “I went to meet her this evening,” continues Jeff, “but I was worried I’d get a stiffy again. So I got some duct tape and taped my dick to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn’t show.”

  “Sensible,” says Dave.

  “So I get to her door,” says Jeff, “and I rang her doorbell. And she answered it in the shortest skirt you ever saw.”

  “And what happened then?”

  Jeff huddles near the bar again. “I kicked her in the face.”

  A doctor recently had a patient drop in on him for an unscheduled appointment. “What can I do for you today?”
the doctor asked.

  The aged gentleman replied, “Doctor, you must help me. Every time I make love to my wife, my eyes get all bleary, my legs go weak, and I can hardly catch my breath. Doctor, I’m scared!”

  The doctor, looking at his 86-year-old patient, said, “Mr. Smith, these sensations tend to happen over time, especially to a man of your advanced years. But tell me, how often do you notice these symptoms?”

  The old gent’s response was, “Well, three times last night, and twice again this morning!”

  Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?

  A. Call her and tell her.

  Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love. One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie’s father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said, “Mr. Smith, Susie and I are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”

  Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, “Well, Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”

  Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied, “In Susie’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely.”

  Still thinking this was just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, “Okay then, how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Susie.”

  Again, Johnny instantly replied, “Our allowance. Susie has $5 a week and I have $10 a week. That’s about $60 a month, and that’ll do us just fine.”

  By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn’t have an answer for.

  After a second, Mr. Smith said, “Well, Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?”

  Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far...”

  The manager hired a new secretary. She was young, sweet and polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. While leaving the room, she courteously said, “Oh, sir, did you know that your barracks door was open?” He did not understand her remark, but later on happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new employee.

  Calling her in, he asked, “By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you also see a soldier standing to attention?”

  The secretary, who was very witty, replied, “Why, no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!”

  A 92-year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical examination. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

  The man replied, “Just doing what you said, Doctor: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”

  The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said you’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

  A guy is walking down the street with some chicken wire under his arm. His neighbor sees him and asks what he has. The guy replies, “It’s chicken wire and I’m going to catch some chickens.”

  His neighbor says, “You fool, you can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.”

  Later that night he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 chickens.

  The next day he sees him walking down the street with some duct tape under his arm. Once again he asks what the guy is up to. The guy says he has some duct tape and he is going to catch some ducks.

  The neighbor replies, “You fool, you can’t catch ducks with duct tape.”

  Sure enough, later that night, he sees the guy walking down the street dragging 12 ducks behind him.

  The next day, he sees the guy walking with something else under his arm. He asks what it is.

  The guy replies, “It’s pussy willow.”

  He says, “Hold on, let me get my hat.”

  The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed, when his wife complained as usual, “I have a headache.”

  “Perfect,” her husband said. “I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or up the ass—it’s up to you!!!”

  Four men got together at a reunion. Three of them had sons and they started bragging about them, while the fourth guy went to the bar to get some drinks. The first man said his son was doing so well he now owned a factory manufacturing furniture. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a whole house full of brand new furniture.

  The second man said his son was doing just as well. He was a manager at a car sales firm. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend a Ferrari. The third man said his was doing well too. He was a manager at a bank. Why, just the other day he gave his best friend the money to buy a house.

  The fourth man came back and the other three told him they were just talking about how successful their sons were. He just shook his head and said his son was gay and hadn’t amounted to much. But he must be doing something right because, just the other day, he was given a house, furniture and a Ferrari by his lovers!

  News Flash: Today the world was stunned by the death of the Energizer Bunny. He was six years old. Authorities believe that the death occurred at approximately 8:42 p.m. last evening. Best known as the irritating pink bunny that kept going, and going and going, “Pinkie,” as he was known to his friends and family, was alone at the time of his death. An emergency autopsy was performed early this morning. Chief Medical Examiner, Dura Cell, concluded that the cause of death was acute cardiac arrest induced by sexual overstimulation. Apparently, someone had put the bunny’s batteries in backward and he kept coming, and coming, and coming...

  A man calls home from his office and says to his wife, “I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It’s the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue silk pajamas. I’ll be home in an hour to pick them up.” The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.

  A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, “Did you have a good trip, dear?”

  The man replies, “Yep, the fishing was great—but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

  His wife smiles and says, “Oh, no I didn’t. I put them in your tackle box!”

  One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town. “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!” he said to the bartender.

  “We got her!” replied the barkeeper. “She’s upstairs in the second room on the right.” The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the beer bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled,

  “I’m looking for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!”

  The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, “You found her!” Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

  “How do you know I want to do it in that position?” asked the miner.

  “I don’t,” replied the whore, “but I thought you might like to open those beers before we get started.”

  Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

  “One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.

  “I agree. We’ll grab her...” said the second.

  “Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!”

  There is a tour bus in Egypt that stops in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks a
t his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatting down next to his camel. “What time is it, sir?”

  The local reaches out and softly cups the camel’s genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. “It’s about 2:00,” he says. The tourist can’t believe what he just saw.

  He runs back to the bus, and sure enough it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, “The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel’s genitals!!” One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05 p.m.

  He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel’s genitals.

  The local says, “Sit down here and grab the camel’s genitals. Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the courtyard where that clock is hanging on the wall.”

  There are three girls, and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decide to give their boyfriends nicknames. They ask the first girl what she calls her boyfriend. She says, “I call my man 7-Up.”

  They ask her, “Why do you call your man that?”

  And she says, “Because he’s seven inches long and is always up.”

  They ask the second girl what she calls her man.

  She says, “I call my man Mountain Dew.”

  They ask, “Why do you call your man that?”

  And she says, “Because he likes to mount and do me.”

  They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, “I like to call my man Jack Daniels.”

  They look at her puzzled and say, “Why do you call your man that? Jack Daniels is a hard liquor!”

  She says, “Exactly!”