The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  A woman enrolls in nursing school and is attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day is involuntary muscles. The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asks her if she knows what her asshole does when she’s having an orgasm.

  “Sure,” she says. “He’s at home taking care of the kids.”

  A baby was just born. He had all his parts and looked quite normal, except that he was laughing like mad. All the doctors and nurses were examining the little thing in front of the worried parents but he kept on laughing, his tiny fists all closed and tears rolling from his eyes. One at a time, a pediatrician unfolded the tiny fingers to check if the hand was all right, and guess what he found?

  The birth control pill!

  Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway; I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house; I sneak up the stairs; I get undressed in the bathroom and I ease into bed, and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”

  His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife’s ass and say, ‘How about a blow job?’ and she’s always sound asleep.”

  Q. How do men sort their laundry?

  A. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.

  Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.

  The seventy-year-old said, “Have I got a problem? Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour ‘cause my pee barely trickles out.”

  “Heck, that’s nothing,” said the eighty-year-old. “Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the pot for hours because of my constipation. It’s terrible.”

  The ninety-year-old said, “You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig. The trouble with that is, I don’t wake up until eleven!”

  Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Education class one day when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board. “Does anyone know what this is?” she asked.

  Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my daddy has two of them!”

  “Two of them?!” the teacher asked.

  “Yeah. He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to brush mommy’s teeth!”

  Going to the brink of death and back in a nine-car pile-up on a two-lane road is very much like making love to a beautiful woman.

  First of all, brace yourself. Hold on tight—particularly if it’s a rearender. And pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

  Two gay guys are in a bar and a beautiful blonde walks in wearing a tight T-shirt with no bra.

  “God, look at that,” says one gay guy, “it’s enough to make you want to be a lesbian.”

  Q. What’s another name for pickled bread?

  A. Dill dough.

  Crazy Mike walks into the pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, “Look, I’ve got three girls coming over tonight. I’ve never had three girls at once, so what have you got to keep me horny and potent all night?”

  The pharmacist reaches down, unlocks a bottom drawer and brings up a box labeled “Viagra Extra Strength” containing single wrapped packets. He says, “Take one of these and you’ll go crazy for 12 hours.”

  Crazy Mike replies, “Hell, give me three.”

  The next day Mike returns to the same pharmacist, who smiles and asks, “Well, how’d it go?”

  In answer, Mike pulls down his pants to display his penis that’s black and blue and blistered, one of the sorriest sights the pharmacist had ever seen.

  Crazy Mike says, “Give me a tube of Icy Hot.”

  The pharmacist replies in horror. “You’re not going to put Icy Hot on that, are you?”

  Mike replies, “Hell, no, it’s for my arms. The girls didn’t show up.”

  Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with the women, when suddenly the sheik came in.

  “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

  “I’m a cop,” says the first man.

  “Then we will shoot your penis off!” said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

  “I’m a fireman,” said the second man.

  “Then we will burn your penis off!” said the sheik.

  Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”

  And the third man answered, with a sly grin, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

  A wealthy couple prepared to go out for the evening. The woman of the house gave their butler, Jervis, the night off. She said they would return home very late, and she hoped he would enjoy his evening. The wife wasn’t having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband stayed there, socializing with important clients. As the woman walked into her house, she found Jervis by himself in the dining room. She called him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom.

  She turned to him and said, in a voice she knew he must obey, “Jervis, I want you to take off my dress.”

  This he did, hanging it carefully over a chair.

  “Jervis,” she continued, “now take off my stockings and garter belt.”

  Again, Jervis silently obeyed.

  “Now, Jervis, I want you to remove my bra and panties.”

  Eyes downcast, Jervis obeyed. Both were breathing heavily, the tension mounting between them.

  She looked sternly at him and said, “Jervis, if I ever catch you wearing my stuff again, you’re fired!”

  There once was a queer from Khartoum

  Took a lesbian up to his room,

  But they argued all night

  Over who had the right

  To do what and with which and to whom.

  What am I? I am a common object enjoyed by both sexes, normally about 8 inches long, with little hairs on one end, and a hole in the other. For most of the day I am laying down, but I am ready for instant action. When in use, I move back and forth and in and out of a warm, moist hole. When the work is finally done, a white, slushy, sticky mush is left behind, and I return to my original position. Cleaning is usually done after I have finished. What am I?

  Why, I am your very own—toothbrush! What were you thinking, you pervert?

  A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

  Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. “Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!

  Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!

  Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money.”

  Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes.”

  An officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, into the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dived back to safety.

  “Private,” the officer said, “I’m recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses.”

  “Warehouses!?” the private shouted. “I thought you said whorehouses!” />
  A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for social security.

  After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he didn’t have it with him.

  He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “Will I have to go home and come back?” he asks.

  The woman says, “Unbutton your shirt.”

  So he opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair. She says, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,” and she processes his social security application. When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the social security office.

  She said, “You should have dropped your pants—you might have qualified for disability, too.”

  The word of the day is legs.

  Spread the word.

  Lori, a pert and pretty nurse, took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked.

  “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “Every time I date one of the young doctors here I end up in bed with him. And then afterward I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”

  “I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter?”

  “For God’s sake, no!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward.”

  Q. Why does the bride always wear white?

  A. Well, aren’t all kitchen appliances that color?

  The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day. “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”

  “I’m in love,” replied Little Johnny.

  Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, “With whom?”

  “With you!” he said.

  “But, Little Johnny,” said the teacher gently, “don’t you see how silly that is? Sure, I’d like a husband of my own someday, but I don’t want a child.”

  “Oh, don’t worry,” said Little Johnny reassuringly, “I’ll use a condom!”

  “That wife of mine is a liar,” said the angry husband to a sympathetic pal seated next to him in the bar.

  “How do you know?” the friend asked.

  “She didn’t come home last night, and when I asked her where she’d been she said she’d spent the night with her sister, Shirley.”

  “So?” the friend replied.

  “So, she’s a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley!”

  In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is Acetaminophen, Advil is Ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.

  John woke up one morning with an enormous erection, so he turned over to his wife’s side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened, and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to take a note to his wife. The note read:The Tent Pole Is Up,

  The Canvas Is Spread,

  The Hell With Breakfast,

  Come Back To Bed.

  Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read: Take The Tent Pole Down,

  Put The Canvas Away,

  The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,

  No Circus Today.

  John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to take it to his wife. The note read:The Tent Pole’s Still Up,

  And The Canvas Still Spread,

  So Drop What You’re Doing,

  And Come Give Me Some Head.

  Heather answered the note and then asked her son to take it to her husband. The note read:I’m Sure That Your Pole’s

  The Best In The Land.

  But I’m Busy Right Now,

  So Do It By Hand!

  He who stands with hands in pockets feels foolish.

  He who has holes in pockets feels nuts.

  Two women were picking potatoes one autumn day. The first woman had two potatoes in her hands. She looked at the other woman and said, “These potatoes remind me of my husbands testicles.”

  And the other woman said,

  “Are his testicles that big?”

  “No,” she commented, “they’re that dirty.”

  Jon left for a two-day business trip, but he was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he’d left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door and walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

  She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.

  “Leave only one pint of milk,” she said. “Jon won’t be here for breakfast tomorrow.”

  In a second grade class, a little girl asks, “Teacher, can my mommy get pregnant?”

  “How old is your mother, dear?” asks the teacher.

  “Forty,” she replies.

  “Yes, dear, your mother could get pregnant.”

  The little girl then asks, “Can my big sister get pregnant?”

  “Well, dear, how old is your sister?”

  The little girl answers, “Nineteen.”

  “Oh yes, dear, your sister certainly could get pregnant.”

  The little girl then asks, “Can I get pregnant?”

  “How old are you, dear?”

  The little girl answers, “I’m seven years old.”

  “No, dear, you can’t get pregnant.”

  Then, the little boy behind the little girl pokes her and says, “See, I told you we had nothing to worry about.”

  A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast. “Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice, sliced grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?”

  He declines. “It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

  At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. “A bowl of homemade soup maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?”

  Again he declines. “No, thanks. It’s this Viagra,” he says. “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

  At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to send out for some curry. “Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or how about a tasty stir fry? That’ll only take a couple of minutes.”

  Once more, he declines. “Again, thanks, but it’s this Viagra. It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

  “Well, then,” she says. “Would you mind getting off me? I’m fucking STARVING!”

  One bright sunny morning, a husband turns to his lovely wife and says, “Wife, we’re going fishing this weekend. You, me and the dog.”

  The wife grimaces, “But I don’t like fishing!”

  “Look! We’re going fishing and that’s final.”

  “Do I have to go fishing with you? I really don’t want to go!”

  “OK, I’ll give you three choices: 1) You come fishing with me and the dog, 2) You give me a blow job, or 3) You take it up the ass!”

  The wife grimaces again, “But I don’t want to do any of those things!”

  “Wife, I’ve given you three options. You’ll have to do one of them! I’m going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle and when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!”

  The wife sits and thinks about it.

  Twenty minutes later her husband comes back.

  “Well! What have you decided? Fishing with me, blow job, or ass?”

  The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind. “OK, I’ll give you a blow job!”

  “Great!” he says and drops his pants.

  The wife is on her knees doing th
e business. Suddenly, she stops, looks up at her husband, “Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting. It tastes like shit!”

  “Yes!” says her husband. “The dog didn’t want to go fishing either.”

  A major Hollywood star decided to do a charity dinner and invited hundreds of people to take part. To make it interesting, the host decided to make it a costume party with the theme of “emotions.” So that night, the first couple came to the front door, dressed in all blue.

  “You were supposed to dress up as an emotion,” stated the doorman.

  “We are dressed in all blue because we picked the sad emotion.”

  Thinking it over, the doorman decided that was good enough. The next couple came up to the door dressed in all red clothing.

  “Sorry, you needed to dress up in a costume tonight!”

  To which the couple replied, “We are. Our red clothes symbolize anger. Besides, you let the other couple in blue in.”

  Again, the doorman agreed to let them in.

  Then along came a black guy, completely naked with the exception of a pear with the core cut out and his penis stuck into it.

  The wide-eyed doorman looked at him, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think you have been invited to this dinner.”

  To which the black man responded in a thick Jamaican accent, “Actually, I was invited!”

  “Well, you were supposed to be dressed up in a costume that conveys a certain emotion.”

  The black guy said, “I am in a costume. I’m deep in despair!”

  A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vaginal lips are much to large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation a secret because she’s embarrassed and doesn’t want anyone to find out. The doctor agrees.