The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  She wakes up from her operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says, “I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!”

  “Don’t worry,” he says, “I didn’t tell anybody. The first rose is from me. I felt bad because you went through this all by yourself. The second one is from the nurse. She assisted me with the operation, and she had the operation done herself.”

  “Who is the third rose from?” she asked.

  “Oh,” says the doctor, “that rose is from the guy upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears!”

  One night, Joe brought home a dozen red roses to his wife.

  “How lovely, dear,” she said, “what’s the occasion?”

  “I want to make love to you,” he said simply.

  “Not tonight, dear. I have a headache.”

  The next night Joe came home with a big box of chocolates and explained that he wanted to make love to her.

  “I’m awfully tired,” said his wife. “Not tonight.”

  Every night for a week Joe brought home something, but each time his wife’s answer was “no.” Finally, he came home with six black kittens with little red bows around their necks and handed them to his wife.

  “How adorable, Joe!” she cried. “But what are they for?”

  “These are six little pallbearers for your dead pussy.”

  Q. What are those little bumps around women’s nipples?

  A. It’s Braille for “suck here.”

  There once was a couple named Blairs,

  Who liked to fuck on the stairs,

  When the banister broke,

  He quickened his stroke,

  And finished her off in the air.

  Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she was having her period and didn’t have any tampons. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin into a tampon. The Godmother says, “Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn’t be good.”

  Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.

  Midnight comes along...no Cinderella! 1 a.m., 2 a.m. and 3 a.m., and still no Cinderella!

  Finally, 5 a.m. rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door. The fairy godmother jumps up. “Where the hell have you been?!?”

  To which Cinderella replies, “I met this amazing guy, and well, I went back to his place and I had a great time. His name was Peter, Peter, Pumpkin ...”

  During his monthly visit to the corner barbershop, a guy asked his barber for any suggestions on how to treat his increasing baldness. After a brief pause, the barber leaned over and confided that the best thing he’d come across was, in fact, female juices.

  “But you’re balder than I am,” protested the customer.

  “True,” admitted the barber. “But you’ve got to admit, I’ve got one hell of a moustache!”

  Two deaf people got married. During the first week of marriage, they find they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn the lights off because they can’t see each other using sign language.

  After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution. “Honey,” she signs, “Why don’t we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my right breast once. If you don’t want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my left breast once.”

  The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, “Great idea. Now, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and pull on my penis once, and if you don’t want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis fifty times.”

  A young lady came home from a date feeling rather sad. She told her mother, “Anthony proposed to me an hour ago.”

  “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.

  “Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”

  Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

  Q. What did one lesbian vampire say to the other lesbian vampire?

  A. “See you next month!”

  A city boy wants to marry a country girl. She insists that he has to ask her father for her hand in marriage. So off he goes to their farm to ask her father. “I want to marry your daughter.”

  “Well, my boy, you will have to prove to me that you are a man worthy of my daughter.”

  “I’ll do anything for my love,” says the young man.

  “You see that cow out in the pasture? Well, go screw it.”

  A little puzzled the boy says, “OK, anything for my love.” On finishing the deed, he asks, “Now can I marry your daughter?”

  “Nope,” says the father. “See that goat over yonder? Go screw it.”

  Again the boy obliges and returns saying, “Now can I marry your daughter?”

  “Nope. Not yet. One more thing. See that pig in the sty? Well, get to it.”

  Once again, he obliges and returns. This time the farmer is amazed at seeing this boy doing these deeds just to marry his daughter.

  So the father finally tells the boy, “Now you can marry my daughter.”

  To which the boy replies, “Screw your daughter. How much do you want for that pig?”

  Q. What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

  A. You push them both aside and keep on eating.

  There was a construction worker on the third floor of an unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. He tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

  First he pointed at his eyes (meaning “I”), then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

  Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood, and then dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

  The guy on the third floor got pissed off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, “You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw.”

  The other guy replied, “I know. I was trying to tell you that I was coming.”

  One day a fireman was washing his fire engine and, conscious of someone behind him, turned around to see a little boy with a fireman’s outfit sitting in a little cart he had painted red. He had a rope tied around a dog’s neck and a rope tied around a cat’s testicles. The fireman said to the boy that his cart would go faster if he tied the rope that was around the cat’s testicles around the cat’s neck instead. The little boy thought for a moment and told the fireman the cart would go faster, but then he wouldn’t have a siren.

  Important Press Release: The manufacturers of KY Jelly have announced that their product is now fully Year 2000 compliant. In light of this they have now renamed it as “Y2 KY Jelly.”

  A spokesman said, “The main benefit of this revision to our product is that you can now insert four digits into your date instead of two.”

  An old man woke up in the middle of the night and found, to his utter astonishment, that his pecker was as hard as a rock for the first time in two years. He shook his wife by the shoulder until she woke up and showed her his enormous boner. “Check this out!” he happily exclaimed. “What do you think we should do with it?”

  With one eye open, his wife replied, “Well, now that you’ve got all the wrinkles out, it would be a good time to wash it.”

  A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring my contraceptive!”

  “No problem,” he replies, �
��I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”

  After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

  An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had the chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”

  “Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a nice butt!”

  When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of gonorrhea. Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, a good friend of the family called and complained bitterly, “You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.”

  The widow replied, “Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he really was.”

  “Your Honor, I am 75 years old. So there I am, sitting on my porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up and sits beside me. He starts to rub my thigh, and it feels good, Your Honor. So I don’t stop him, and he begins to rub my old breasts, Your Honor. Why, Your Honor, I haven’t felt that good in years! So I just spread my old legs and say to him, ‘Take me, young man, take me!’ That’s when he yelled, ‘April Fool,’ and that’s when I shot the bastard!!”

  Q. How do you teach a blonde math?

  A. Subtract her clothes, divide her legs, and square root her.

  An elderly couple came back from a wedding one afternoon and were in a pretty romantic mood. While sitting on their loveseat, the elderly woman looked at her companion and said, “I remember when you used to kiss me every chance you had.”

  The old man, feeling a bit obliged, leaned over and gave her a peck on the cheek.

  Then she said, “I also remember when you used to hold my hand at every opportunity.”

  The old man again feeling obligated reached over and gently placed his hand on hers.

  The elderly woman then stated, “I also remember when you used to nibble on my neck and send chills down my spine.”

  This time the old man had a blank stare on his face and started to get up off the couch. As he began to walk out of the living room, his wife asked, “Was it something I said? Where are you going?”

  The old man looked at her and replied, “I’m going in the other room to get my teeth!”

  There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told the uncle to ask him an addition question. So the uncle asked, “What is three plus four?”

  The little boy counted it out on his fingers and said, “Seven.”

  The uncle said, “Listen, kid, you can’t count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets.”

  So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked, “What is five plus five?”

  The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said,

  “Eleven.”

  A man went to the police station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

  “You’ll get your chance in court,” said the desk sergeant.

  “No, no, no!” insisted the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

  This guy is banging a girl and the girl asks, “You haven’t got AIDS have you?”

  He replies, “No.”

  She responds, “Oh, thank God for that! I don’t want to get that again!”

  One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, where he has lived his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing.

  “I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won’t call you ‘the bridge builder’ if you do that here. No, no, they don’t!

  I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won’t call you ‘the house builder’ if you do that. No, no they don’t!

  I remember building that tavern where I still drink when I was 35. If you do that people won’t call you ‘the tavern builder’ either. They sure won’t!

  But if you fuck one goat...”

  Q. Why did Frosty the snowman pull down his pants?

  A. He heard the snow-blower coming.

  A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.

  The man said, “This is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?”

  The pharmacist said, “Just a minute, I’ll go talk to my sister.” When she returned, she said, “The best we can do is ⅓ ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.”

  Little Johnny was at school and his teacher was teaching the four basic food groups.

  Johnny asks, “What food group do light bulbs fall into?”

  His teacher replies, “Light bulbs are not edible and they don’t fall into any food group.”

  Little Johnny insists that light bulbs are food because his dad eats light bulbs. The teacher tries to get Little Johnny to drop the subject, but he just would not let it go.

  He says, “I know that light bulbs are edible because I heard my dad tell my mom that if she would turn off the light, he would eat it!”

  Twelve monks were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up naked in a garden while a nude model danced before them. Each monk had a small bell attached to his privates, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.

  The model danced before the first monk candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response until she got to the final monk. As she danced, his bell rang so loudly it fell off and clattered to the ground. Embarrassed, he bent down to pick up the bell, and eleven other bells began to ring...

  A local law enforcement officer stops a car for traveling faster than the speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day, he decides to give the poor guy a break and give him a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

  “Fred,” he replies.

  “Fred what?” the officer asks.

  “Just Fred,” the man responds.

  When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it.

  “Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?”

  The man replies, “It’s a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I kept to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. I got all the way through school and got my degree, so I was now Fred Dingaling, MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS, so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about
the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I’m just Fred.”

  The officer let him go without even a warning.

  Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands’ performance as a lover. The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and chocolate before we make love. I like that.”

  The second woman says, “My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that.”

  The third woman just shakes her head and says, “My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it.”

  A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, “Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?”

  She looked at him wistfully, smiled and replied, “Oh, yeah? Prove it.”

  He frowned for a moment, then said, “Okay.” He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

  About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed, “Well, I’m sure the cow and sheep didn’t orgasm, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?”

  Nina and Liz are having a conversation during their lunch break. Nina asks, “So, Liz, how’s your sex life these days?”

  Liz replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual social security kind.”

  “Social security?” Nina asked quizzically.

  “Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”