The Ginormous Book of Dirty Jokes

by Rudy A. Swale

  It was the talk of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year, she went to a hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the guy. “This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?”

  He answered, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

  The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said, “You really are amazing. How do you do it?”

  He again said, “You’ve got to keep the old motor running.”

  The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said, “You must be quite a man.”

  He responded, “You’ve got to keep that old motor running.”

  The nurse then said, “Well, you had better change the oil—this one’s black.”

  A nurse was on duty in the emergency department when a punk rocker entered. The patient had purple hair plus a variety of tattoos and strange clothing. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she scheduled for immediate surgery. When the patient was completely disrobed on the operating table, the surgeons noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and just above it there was a tattoo that read, “Keep off the grass.” After the surgical procedure was completed, the surgeon added a small note to the wound’s dressing that said, “Sorry, had to mow the lawn.”

  Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to divide one of the larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn’t been paid and he regularly threatened, “Pay me or I’ll rip out the partition.”

  Finally, the madam offered to pay him in trade. “Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her.”

  “I’ll take you.”

  “Me? I’m an old lady. Take one of those young, good- looking chicks.”

  “I want you.”

  So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger up her ass. “What are you doing?” she asked.

  “I told you before. Pay me or I’ll rip out the partition.”

  Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell “naughty” stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time.

  Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. “They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France.”

  The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

  “Young ladies,” said the professor with a broad smile, “the next plane doesn’t leave until tomorrow afternoon.”

  An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. “I’ve never been better!” he boasted. “I’ve got an eighteen-year-old bride who’s pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?”

  The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, “Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun.” The doctor continued, “So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?” the doctor queried.

  Dumbfounded, the old man replied, “No.”

  The doctor continued, “The bear dropped dead in front of him!”

  “That’s impossible!” exclaimed the old man. “Someone else must have shot that bear.”

  “That’s kind of what I’m getting at,” replied the doctor.

  Q. How do you confuse a female archaeologist?

  A. Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it’s from.

  A wife says to her friend, “Our sex life is great.”

  Her friend says, “Do you ever watch your husband’s face when you’re having sex?”

  She says, “Once, and I saw rage.”

  Her friend says, “Why would he be angry during sex?”

  The wife says, “Because he was looking through the window at us.”

  Q. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

  A. Lickalotopuss.

  Jack and Jill were twins who couldn’t find dates to the graduation ball. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said, “No, you’re my sister. That’s gross.”

  Jill said, “Come on. Promise me if you can’t find another date, you’ll take me.”

  So Jack said, “OK.” Well, Jack couldn’t find a date so he went with Jill.

  They were just standing by the bar, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said, “No, you’re my sister. That’s gross.”

  Jill said, “Come on. It’ll be fun.”

  So Jack said, “OK,” and they had a great time.

  After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Lovers’ Lane. Jack said, “No, you’re my sister! It would be really gross.”

  Jill said, “We’ll just talk. We don’t talk anymore.”

  So Jack said, “OK.”

  They were at Lovers’ Lane talking, when Jill moved to the back seat and said, “Come on, Jack, take me.” Jack didn’t argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured, “You’re a lot lighter than dad.”

  Jack said, “I know. Mom told me last night.”

  A couple drove down a country road not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?”

  “Yep,” the husband replied. “In-laws.”

  Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home really inebriated around midnight. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn’t get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

  One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband’s behavior. The friend listened and suggested, “Why don’t you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don’t you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways.” The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

  That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

  His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, “It’s pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don’t you think?”

  Harry replied in his inebriated state, “Heck, I guess we might as well. I’ll get in trouble when I get home anyway!”

  A guy visits the doctor and says, “Doc, I think I’ve got a sex problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.”

  The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.”

  The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.”

  She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You’re fine. She doesn’t give me a hard-on either.”

  A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and a pitchfork.

  “Who are you?�
� he asked.

  “I’m the Devil,” she responded.

  “Well, come on home with me,” he said, “I married your sister.”

  A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he’s curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

  “Don’t make such a big deal. It’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.

  “Well, I’m curious,” begs the man, “how long have you been wearing an earring?”

  “Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

  Q. What do you call a farmer with a sheep under each arm?

  A. A pimp.

  Two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska—as far north as they could go—and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.”

  The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

  The guys asked, “What’s that board for?”

  The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

  They said, “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!”

  The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year.”

  “Okay,” they said and left. The next year a guy came into the trader’s store and said, “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.”

  The trader said, “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

  “Yeah,” said the guy.

  “Where is he?” asked the trader.

  “I killed him,” said the guy.

  Shocked, the trader asked, “Why?”

  To which the guy replied, “I caught him in bed with my board!”

  A man and his wife are on their honeymoon and they have been having sex for ages. The man’s cock is burning so he runs for the Vaseline but can’t find any. So he goes to the fridge and sees an ice cold glass of milk and puts his cock in it.

  He turns around and his wife says, “Oh, that’s how you refill it.”

  A man was complaining to a friend, “I had it all: money, a magnificent house, a fast car, the love of a beautiful woman—then, poof! It was all gone!”

  “What happened?” asked the friend.

  “My wife found out.”

  Little Johnny walked into his dad’s bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny’s father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. Little Johnny asked curiously, “What are you doing, dad?”

  His father quickly replied, “I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.”

  Little Johnny replied, “What are you going to do, fuck him?”

  Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says, “My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning, I almost cut my ear off.”

  The second guy says, “My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast.”

  The third guy says, “My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I ejaculated just taking my cock out.”

  A young couple went to the doctor for their annual checkups. Afterward, the doctor called the young man into his office and told him that he had some good news and some bad news. “The good news,” he explained, “is that your fiancée has a particular strain of gonorrhea that I have only heard of once before.”

  The guy paled. “If that’s the good news, then what the hell is the bad news?”

  “Well,” the doctor elaborated, “the bad news is that I heard about this nasty strain just last week from my dog’s vet.”

  A farmer takes her three sons to the doctor for a medical exam for the first time in their lives.

  The doctor examines the boys and tells the woman that they are healthy but she needs to give them iron supplements. She goes home and wonders exactly what iron supplements are. Finally, she goes to the hardware store and buys iron ball bearings and mixes them into their food.

  Several days later the youngest son comes to her and tells her that he is pissing ball bearings. She tells him that it is normal because she had put them in his food. Later, the middle son comes to her and says that he is crapping ball bearings. Again, she says that it is OK.

  That evening the eldest son comes in very upset. He says, “Mom, you won’t believe what happened.”

  She says, “I know, you’re passing ball bearings.”

  “No,” he says. “I was out behind the barn jerking off and I shot the dog.”

  A five-year-old boy was mowing his front lawn and drinking a beer. The preacher who lived across the street saw the beer and came over to harass the kid. “Aren’t you a little young to be drinking, son?” he asked.

  “That’s nothing,” the kid said after taking a swig of beer. “I got laid when I was three.”

  “What? How did that happen?”

  “I don’t remember. I was drunk.”

  Two soldiers were chatting during their free time.

  First Soldier: “Why did you join the Army?”

  Second Soldier: “I didn’t have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the Army?”

  First Soldier: “I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.”

  A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how he was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. “Why all the attention?” the friend asked. “You look fine to me.”

  “I know!” grinned the patient. “But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches.”

  Q. Why are women like tires?

  A. There’s always a spare.

  A gentleman had called room service.

  “And will there be anything else, sir?” the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

  “No, thank you,” the gentleman replied. “That will be all.”

  As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. “Anything for your wife?” he asked.

  “Yeah! That’s a good idea,” the guy said. “Please bring up a postcard.”

  One day an old farmer fell asleep on the upper floor of his hay loft. When he woke up, he saw his son having sex with his girlfriend in the hay below. He decided he wouldn’t disturb them, so he lay down and rested. After a while he heard his son say, “Father, father up above, give me strength for one last shove.”

  So the father, being witty, replied, “Son, son down below, get off and give your father a go.”

  Two women were having lunch together and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says, “I need to be honest with you—I’m getting a boob job.”

  The second woman says, “Oh, that’s nothing. I’m thinking of having my asshole bleached!”

  To which the first replies, “Whoa, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde!”

  David Copperfield has just finished his magic show. He decides to ask the audience if they have any tricks they would like to share.

  Nobody puts their hand up except one man. David beckons him on to the stage and tells him to perform his trick. The man says, “For this trick, David, I will require the assistance of the lovely Claudia Schiffer, who I see is here tonight. I will also need a table.”

  He walks Claudia Schiffer over to the table and bends her over it. He then proceeds to lift up her skirt, p
ull down her panties and take her from behind.

  David Copperfield is horrified and says, “That’s not a trick!!”

  The man replies, “Maybe not for you, but for me it’s fucking magic.”

  A married man, unfortunately, had a very small dick, so every time he had sex with his wife he used a cucumber instead of his dick. For seven years he had been doing that. One night his wife suspected that something was wrong. So while they were having sex she quickly threw back the cover and turned on the lights!

  The woman said, “What the hell is that? Are you using a cucumber on me? I am shocked! For seven years you have been doing that, you bastard!”

  So the man said, “Shut up! It’s been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!”

  A doctor walked into a bank. Preparing to sign a check, he pulled a rectal thermometer out of his shirt pocket and tried to ‘write’ with it. Realizing his mistake, he looked at the thermometer with annoyance and said, “Well that’s great, just great—some asshole’s got my pen.”

  A gay guy walks into the doctor’s office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off, the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis. The doctor says, “Hmmm, that’s interesting. Does it work?”

  The man answers, “Sure does... I haven’t had a butt in three weeks!”

  A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly, a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag, looks at her and says,