Healing the Doctor's Heart

by Shirley Hailstock

  Was there anything wrong in that?

  Wouldn’t she have done the same for her daughter if she could have? Shouldn’t she try to make Jake see that even if she had been treating him as if he were LeeLee, her pushing and prodding him were working?

  She opened the door and went back downstairs. Jake stood in the same place she’d left him. He said nothing when he saw her. It was her turn to open the conversation.

  “I’m sorry,” she began. “I did think of you in terms of my daughter. I tried to see in you what I missed in her, just like you said. But it’s not necessarily a bad thing if it’s helped you rejoin the living.”

  He took a step forward. Lauren held up a hand.

  “I still intend to move away. This is not the place for me. Even if I know my baggage goes with me, I believe it will be easier to deal with if I’m not surrounded on a day-to-day basis with reminders of her and how I missed seeing her symptoms.”

  “Lauren, that’s not true. That type of disease strikes quickly. Even if you had thought something was wrong, there’s no guarantee you could have done anything more or anything different than you did.”

  “That may be true and I’ll have to come to terms with it.”

  “But those terms will be somewhere out of New York.”

  She nodded.

  “All right, but make me a promise.”

  Lauren stiffened. “What is it?”

  “Give yourself a time limit, say one year. If your life is no better in the new place, you will return to the city and deal with it here.”

  “Why?”

  “Because here is where it happened. Here is your home. And here is where you will heal.”

  Lauren felt as if their roles had been reversed. He was the doctor, diagnosing her and suggesting treatment. Like any of her patients, she needed to take her own medicine.

  “I agree,” she told him.

  * * *

  IT HAD BEEN two long days and nights and Lauren had not made her decision to go or stay. Jake was on a consulting call on the third day. She didn’t disturb him when he was talking to other doctors. She considered it therapy for him.

  Getting a cup of coffee, she went to the media room. If the loud explosions helped Jake with his trauma, maybe a movie about a child could help her. Jake had thrown the suggestion out. At the time he wasn’t really telling her to do it, but Lauren recognized that she had a heavy burden to carry and she needed to see if she could lighten the weight.

  She didn’t know if Jake’s vast library of DVDs had anything to suit her needs, but she’d check.

  Before she had a chance to look for movies, she noticed a book lying on the coffee table. This time it wasn’t a yearbook. This one was small. It looked worn, as if it had been read many times. The pages were yellowed and the cover had a photo of a little blond child on it. Lauren recognized the look of a Down syndrome baby even before she read the cover.

  She knew of the book, Angel Unaware, by the 1950s film star Dale Evans. A few of Lauren’s patients had Down syndrome and at least two parents had mentioned how that book had comforted and inspired them. She’d never read it, but on occasion had recommended it to distressed moms and dads.

  She wondered why it was here. Had Jake left it for her? He was a surgeon, who specialized in orthopedics. Why would he have such a well-read book about a Down syndrome child? She opened the book to the first page and started to read. Within seconds she was fully engaged. Taking a seat, she read on, never relaxing, but sitting on the edge of the sofa as she listened to Robin, a two-and-a-half-year-old, tell her story with its deeply moving message about her passing.

  Lauren was in tears when she closed the cover. It was a short book, less than a hundred pages, but it was uplifting. She hoped Naliani had met Robin and that the two of them were together. Lauren understood now that Naliani was a gift, that her child had been put on this earth to enrich her life, and the lives of everyone she’d met, and if Lauren moved away, ran away as Jake had suggested, she’d not only be letting down the those she could help, but she’d let Naliani down too.

  A weight lifted from her shoulders. Her decision was made. She called the Kingman Clinic and informed them that she would not be joining their staff.

  She no longer needed to watch a movie.

  She needed to tell Jake, but not just yet. She had to do something else first.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  WITH THE BOOK in her hand, Lauren left the apartment. She had to go and see Naliani. It took longer to reach the cemetery by subway, but she made it there. The angel stood above the grave as though welcoming Lauren. It was the first time, she’d ever felt that way. As before, no tears misted her eyes, yet her heart was heavy for her daughter, for the future they wouldn’t have together and the life Naliani wouldn’t have.

  The book in her hand told of another mother who resolved the loss of her child by focusing on the time they had together instead of the time lost. Lauren sat on a bench and looked at the inscribed name and dates associated with her daughter. She looked at the small dash separating her birth and death years.

  “What did you give me?” she asked. “Unconditional love. The joys of motherhood. The laughter we shared. The miracle of seeing you grow before my eyes, of you teaching me to see all the wonder of the world around us.”

  Lauren spoke the words aloud, quietly saying them as if praying. Lauren hoped that in some sense her daughter could hear her, and understand that Jake was right. Lauren had to live, had to go on and know that she still had her daughter’s love.

  “I love you, LeeLee. I will always love you.” A tear fell, but not a sad one. It was a happy tear for the time they had spent together. “You have a special place in my heart and it will be open forever.”

  Lauren looked again at the book in her hand and thanked Dale Evans and her daughter Robin. She walked down the path she’d taken earlier and emerged out onto the street. Taking a quick look back, she smiled. This time the angel seemed to smile. Lauren knew LeeLee was okay.

  The world looked different when you made a major decision, she thought. Good or bad, it gave you a direction to follow. Lauren checked the sky. The sun shone brightly. The noise and passion of the streets of New York were back. She didn’t think the crowds were too thick or the traffic too loud. She only thought about how much she loved this city.

  * * *

  SHE WAS LEAVING. She wasn’t leaving. Jake felt like he was on a merry-go-round or a roller coaster. He’d go up and down, feeling elated with what Lauren said, then fall down as if the bottom dropped out of his world. How had he gotten to this place? He didn’t want her to leave his apartment, much less New York. Eventually Cal would return and there would be no need for him to have a constant companion.

  If she remained in the city, they could see each other, talk, even play tennis or take long rides in the country. She’d postponed her trip to help him in the beginning and he couldn’t completely believe that her decision to remain would have nothing to do with him and his needs. Lauren was a caregiver. He’d run into them before in his profession. She was both compassionate and a straight shooter. She understood when someone needed a soft touch and when they needed a good kick in the butt. He’d been the recipient of each and he was all the better for it.

  Although she was from Maryland, she seemed like such a New Yorker, like this was her piece of ground and she would defend it against all comers. Jake had lived here all his life and while he’d been to most of the world’s capitals, he couldn’t think of living anywhere else.

  “How was your call?” Lauren asked, bringing Jake back to the present. He’d been so involved in his own thoughts that he’d almost forgotten she was sitting across from him.

  He glanced at the computer screen, which could have been a foreign object. He felt like his call had been years ago.

  “It was fine.”

  “Are you con
sidering going into the hospital and talking face-to-face?”

  “Even if I’m not, you are,” he said.

  Lauren smiled and Jake’s heart flipped. How did she do that? “It won’t hurt you. You’re a lot less self-conscious about people staring at your arm, so is there a reason you don’t want to go to the hospital?”

  “Yeah, there are doctors there.”

  Lauren laughed. “You do remember, you’re one of them?”

  “They’ll want to examine me, even though my test rests aren’t in yet. They’ll ask how I am.”

  “You can answer how you are and you can have an exam or refuse one. You’re strong enough to assert your wishes and have them obeyed.”

  “Except with you.”

  And so the next morning after tennis Lauren drove him to the hospital. As he walked through the areas where he’d worked for years, the staff called out “glad to see you,” or “welcome back” and “you’re looking great,” yet no one asked how he was or offered to check his arm. Jake was sure Lauren had put the word in someone’s ear.

  He was grateful for her. The woman had superpowers. He wouldn’t be surprised if the next time he saw her, she was wearing a cape and mask. Then he laughed out loud. He’d imagined her in the costume, large dark eyes peeking out of the mask.

  * * *

  LAUREN DIDN’T HEAR him talking, but he was still in his office. She knocked lightly on the door and opened it when he called out to her.

  Poking her head inside, she saw him sitting at his desk in front of his computer. He motioned her to come in. “I forgot to ask. Where’d you get to on your day off?”

  “Oh, I had to talk to someone,” Lauren said. His brows rose, but she didn’t offer any other information. “Did you leave this book for me?” she asked, taking a seat and holding out the copy.

  “I thought it might help.”

  “Have you read it?”

  “A very long time ago,” he said.

  “It looked as if it had been read many times.”

  “It belonged to my grandmother,” Jake said. “She had a special needs child who died. I didn’t know that until she died and I was helping my mother go through her things. There was a photo of a child. His name and age were written on the back. Until you told me about Naliani, I’d forgotten about the picture and the book.”

  “LeeLee,” she corrected and watched Jake’s reaction. It was a slight smile. “Anyway, thank you. It did help. I’ve made a decision about Arizona.” She addressed Jake directly. Did he stiffen? She wasn’t sure.

  “What is it?” he asked, spreading his hands.

  I’m not going.”

  Jake slowly leaned forward in his chair. He took a long breath. “What changed your mind?”

  “You did. You and Dale Evans.”

  “You’re can’t make this decision because of me.”

  Lauren laughed. “I can’t totally rule you out, either, but my decision is not about you or the promise I made to stay until Caleb returns.” She looked at the book in her hand. “I’m doing it for Naliani. And as you pointed out, my location doesn’t matter. Whatever problems I’ve had would go with me. I can be happy here too. I might have to work at it a bit, not take things so seriously, but in time everything will work out. So, for now, you’re stuck with me. I’ll stay until Caleb gets back.”

  “I don’t consider myself being stuck.”

  She smiled. “We are a pair,” she said. “And since I’m not going to Arizona, I will have to decide where I am going when I leave here.”

  “You’re still leaving the city?”

  She shrugged. “Maybe. I’ve sold my house. I could start over here or maybe a suburb not too far away and get the best of both worlds. This is a very expensive city. Regardless, I’ll need to look for a place to live and a full-time job. My sisters and father have asked me to settle near them. My dad lives in Maine and my sisters are in Maryland. I’d have family nearby in both of those places, but I’m not sure about that. And I’ve sort of rediscovered New York, thanks to you.”

  She couldn’t read his mood. He looked like he wanted to argue with her and congratulate her, all at the same time.

  “Any word on when Caleb will be returning?” she asked.

  “You’ve just decided not to go to Arizona. Now you want to know the date you can leave here?” Jake asked.

  “It would be good to know. I wouldn’t want to find someplace to live and have to refuse it again.”

  “I don’t know about Cal,” he said. “When we talked, he didn’t mention an end date.”

  Lauren nodded. She’d have to ask him the next time they talked.

  * * *

  THEY’D HAD ANOTHER incredible day. Every day with Lauren seemed to be an incredible day, Jake thought. It didn’t matter that she was still planning to move away. He didn’t think she’d be on the other side of the country though, so he expected that they could get together occasionally.

  After her decision, they’d spent a lot of time laughing. Some of it was at nothing. They’d just look at each other and suddenly burst into gales of joy. Jake had never done that before—with anyone.

  He remembered a time when there was sadness in Lauren’s eyes. It was missing now.

  He hoped he’d been part of the reason for that. She’d been a lot of the reason he could laugh again—focus on a future.

  Lauren was sitting on the piano bench. She didn’t play much, but she ran her hands across the keys just for the sound. Jake suddenly had an idea he wanted to test.

  He walked over and sat down next to her.

  “Want to play?” she asked, running an arpeggio over the keys.

  “Not with one hand.”

  She cut her eyes at him. He’d done many things with one hand that he never thought he could do, including playing tennis, driving a car and typing on his computer.

  He placed his left hand on the keys and looked at the open sheets she had on the music rack. A moderate-level arrangement of “Für Elise.”

  “This was one of the first pieces I learned to play.”

  “I’ll play the right hand. You play the left,” Lauren encouraged.

  “Fair warning, I haven’t played in years,” he said. “I don’t even think I can still sight-read.”

  “Try it.” Lauren grinned at him.

  Jake had ceased to tell her things he could not do. She’d argue and he’d have to try it anyway. He looked at the sheet music and wondered if she’d chosen this piece because it wasn’t very complicated.

  He practiced a few measures, then went back and did them again. On the third try, she joined him.

  “That was good. Let’s do it again,” she said.

  Jake was surprised he could do it especially since they kept the rhythm the way it was written.

  When they got to the end, Lauren twisted on the seat. “You did it,” she said and hugged him.

  Jake immediately reacted and he hugged her too, although one-handedly. When she pulled away, he raked his hand over her back. Lauren laughed.

  “You’re ticklish,” Jake said and opened and closed his fingers rapidly against her dress.

  “I’ll get you back for this.” Lauren laughed some more.

  He reached over and tickled her side. She laughed and tried to move away. Jake caught her and continued tickling her. Lauren laughed, twisting as she tried to free herself. Jake laughed too. The sound rose to the ceiling as the two tussled. Slipping off the bench, they fell softly to the floor, both of them still laughing. Jake stopped tickling her for a second, then started again. Lauren breathed hard, trying to stop laughing at the same time.

  Neither of them heard the key go in the lock or the door to the apartment opening and closing. Finally, Lauren got away from him, backpedaling on hands and feet. Her laughter didn’t stop, but it decreased. Jake caught her. He would have tick
led her again, but he spied someone else in the apartment.

  Both of them looked up.

  “Cal!” Jake said.

  “Caleb?” Lauren said.

  The two of them spoke at the same time.

  “What are you doing here?” Jake asked.

  Cal’s eyebrows nearly touched the ceiling. “Obviously, I’m interrupting something.”

  Lauren got to her feet, brushing her clothes off as if she’d picked up lint from the floor. Jake got up too.

  “You’re not interrupting anything,” Jake said. “We were just horsing around.”

  “I see.” Cal’s tone meant he was reading more into their fooling around than was necessary.

  Jake glanced at Lauren. Her face was a dark shade of red. Her hands twitched. She clasped them together to keep them from moving. Jake knew what this looked like to Cal. The truth was they were just having some fun.

  “Lauren, would you leave us?” Jake said.

  She nodded and went to the media room.

  “What are you doing here?” Jake asked his brother as soon as Lauren closed the door.

  “Technically, I’m here for a conference, but I thought I’d drop in and see how you were doing. Clearly, I should have called first or at least knocked on the door.”

  “It wasn’t like that. We were just horsing around. There’s nothing going on, as I’ve told you in the past.”

  “I’m not here to judge you, Jake. I’m sorry there isn’t something going on.”

  “What?”

  “You need someone,” Cal said. “Maybe you could do a little more than just horsing around.”

  Both brothers laughed and man-hugged. Cal came farther into the room.

  “So, how have you been?” Cal asked. “You look like a different person.”

  “I’m better than I was before you left.”

  “I see Lauren is having a positive effect on you.”