by Ashley Ladd
94 Heavenly Hijinks
The animal’s gaze flashed with intelligence and anger, sarcasm and angst. “It can’t be.”
I never lie… Leo’s words reverberated mockingly in her mind.
“Leo! You are soooooo dead.”
Elizabeth hissed from a hidden corner of the shop until Clestie looked around and tilted her head. When their gazes clashed, she tapped her cell phone and mouthed, “I called the police.”
Clestie prayed their rescuers would arrive before they all became alligator bait. She looked straight into the pied piper’s eyes. “Why’d you bring the alligators here? Why are you putting all these innocent people in danger?”
Incredulity lit the man’s eyes as he chortled without mirth. “Innocent? Who’s innocent? You’re all guilty. Especially Leo and that cheating, lying hussy.”
Clestie frowned and tried not to breathe in the musky alligator odors. Dread filled her. “What did Leo do? What hussy?”
“That hussy Clestie. The one that cheated on poor Richard with the pretty boy Leo.”
Clestie’s heart twisted and she peered closer at the man. Still no recognition came. How did he know her? Or of her? Goose bumps popped out on her arms and she rubbed them briskly as she hugged herself. “Who are you and how do you know about Leo and the huss—Clestie?”
“I’m the great swami Anjali Gumbhir and I speak to the animals. Richard told me his heartbreaking tale of woe and we’re here to exact revenge.”
Revenge? Clestie almost choked. “Clestie’s not here. She—uh—went on a vacation—a very long vacation out of the country. To—to, uh, Nepal. She won’t be back for at least a couple of months. I’m her brand-new, innocent employee, Priscilla Logan.”
Elizabeth puckered her lips and with her finger, drew a circle in the air next to her ear.
Clestie tried to ignore her cousin and stammered on, “Leo’s not here and Clestie’s not here, so there’s not any reason to hang around and wait for her.”
The ascot-wearing alligator exposed its razor-sharp teeth and exhaled in a long hiss. After a short pause, it breathed in with a much lower intensity. Its belly inflated and it twitched its tail and scratched the floor with its claws.
The pied piper cocked his ear to the reptile and pursed his lips as the animal continued to grunt and hiss. He nodded and muttered, “Uh-huh. Yep. Gotcha, buddy.”
Then the man turned to Clestie with hatred-filled eyes. “Richard tells me you’re the no-good, cheating hussy.”
Scared witless, barely able to breathe, Clestie’s feet were glued to the floor. Her tongue pasted itself to the roof of her mouth. Finally, she choked out, “Who are you talking to? Where is Richard?”
The pied piper jerked his thumb at the ascot-wearing alligator. “Richard the alligator. Well, he wasn’t an alligator until that dastardly Leo had him turned into one.”
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Clestie felt anger shoot through her veins. “Leo’s putting me on, isn’t he?” She pivoted on the balls of her feet and waved her hands in the air. “Okay, Leo. Time to come out and fess up to your rotten joke. And get these prehistoric monsters and this idiot out of my shop!”
Bellowing, the alligator stood up and angled its head toward her. It lunged and snapped its huge maw not two inches from her face.
A frightened, raspy yelp was yanked from Clestie’s throat as she bounded back from the danger. She tried to run, but the alligators trapped her in a vicious circle. Unable to exhale, she began to hyperventilate.
Suddenly helicopter propellers split the air overhead, drowning out the grunts of the hungry beasts. A male voice boomed through a bullhorn, “By order of the police, remove the alligators. Put away the raw meat.”
Clestie almost fainted with relief as she clutched her throat. She dared not move, dared not collapse into one of the hungry jaws of death.
Gasping, the ascot-wearing beast shuffled around and looked to the rear, then scampered into the shadows out of her sight. Hissing, the other fiends pressed forward.
Her life flashing before her eyes, Clestie stood on tiptoe trying to distance herself an inch more from the monsters. She cursed at the pied piper who just laughed at her danger.
A uniformed, gas-masked SWAT team burst into the shop with high-powered telescopic rifles drawn. They threw cylindrical black canisters into the far reaches of the store that rolled and then sizzled open. Smoke curled up and tickled her nostrils as she felt herself falling onto her attackers.
* * * * *
The sound of gigantic, furious wasps rent the summer air. Scowling, Leo searched the sunny afternoon sky. Huge metal birds flapped their silvery wings high above as they hovered over the magic store.
Sniffing the sickly sweet scent of danger, Leo lifted his nose. The stink of musty animals and moldy swamp water roiled in his gut and he almost lurched. It brought back unwelcome memories of the horrible stench of his own pelt being ripped from his shoulders by that brute Hercules, and bile rose in his throat.
People burst from his street sobbing and muttering, praying and chanting. Some ran, pushing and shoving, tripping over their own feet. Others ambled past slowly as if in ghostlike trances.
Deborah passed by clutching her rosary to her throat and rubbing her thumbs over the smooth red beads. Wild wisps of hair spiked out from her normally perfect chignon. Mud caked her red linen power suit. She stumbled about drunkenly on feet covered only by her ripped hose.
96 Heavenly Hijinks
Mr. Borsh crawled by on his belly, tearing holes in his new leather jacket. His pierced tongue lolled out the side of his mouth. His biker’s chains clanged as they dragged along the broken pavement.
Karly stared sightlessly into the distance as she shredded her fingernails.
By Cronus! Had Zeus or Hera gone berserk and flung lightning bolts on Clestie’s shop? On her head?
His heart pounding frantically, Leo quickened his pace. Reaching Deborah first, he clutched her shoulders as gently as his worry would permit. “What’s going on?”
Deborah stared blankly at him, her pupils dilated. Her lips moved aimlessly but no sound was emitted.
He shook her gently to awaken her from her stupor. “What happened? Is it Mystic Sensations? Is Clestie all right?”
Deborah twisted in his arms and lifted a limp arm in a sorry attempt at pointing. Her finger stuck out toward the shop. “Alligators. A whole gaggle of wild, horrid alligators.”
Panic boiling inside, he roared, “Where?”
“At the magic shop. Inside and out. All over.” Her teeth chattered and she quivered. “They’re everywhere. Some crazy man’s looking for you and he says they’re his army.”
Leo couldn’t breathe. Hard as he tried to drag in air, his lungs refused to cooperate. “For me? Do you know why?”
Deborah woodenly shook her head. “I wasn’t inside the shop, thank god, or I would’ve been trapped with those monsters alongside Clestie.” She swiped at perspiration dripping into her eyes and smeared grime on her face. “Oh, sorry.”
His heart ready to burst, Leo released Deborah so quickly she almost fell. “By Cronus, I have to free her!” He’d die—again—if anything happened to Clestie. Wings seemed to sprout from Leo’s feet as he ran to the magic shop. How he wished he could pull down a comet from the heavens and ride its tail to the shop. Travel by foot was so clunky and slow. His heart pounded heavier with every footfall that smacked the pavement, every breath that rasped from his aching lungs.
When he finally rounded the corner to the shop’s street and saw a small army of policemen carting away the alligators, he lifted praises of thanksgiving to Zeus.
Panting, Elizabeth stumbled out of the shop. Glassy-eyed, she grimaced at the prehistoric creatures. Then her gaze focused on Leo and a bounce entered her step as she changed direction on a path to him. “Thank god.”
Zeus was here? He looked around but there was no sign of his sire. Unless she meant him. Only he wasn’t a full-fledged god. He sprinted to her, c
losing the gap. Circling his fingers around her upper arm, he was reminded how frail, how mortal these women were and his worry escalated again. “Where’s Clestie? She’s not been taken prisoner, has she?”
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Elizabeth dragged in several gulps of the smoggy city air. The color in her cheeks soared to a bright apple red. She pointed at the propped open door. “In there, giving a statement to the cops.”
Leo gave Elizabeth a brotherly squeeze. “So she’s safe?”
She nodded and added with a hint of her normal mischief rekindling in her chestnut eyes, “Minus a heart attack or two, we’ll be fine.”
Leo winked and tapped her cheek. “If you’ll excuse me, I must go and check on my lady.”
Elizabeth’s eyes widened with mock surprise. “Ooh! So that’s the lay of the land. That lucky devil.”
Leo frowned. His Clestie was an angel, a marvel. “She’s not a devil.”
Elizabeth chortled and shook her head. “No, silly. I meant she’s lucky.”
Something alien touched his heart and he shook his head back and forth. “No, I’m the blessed one.”
Elizabeth sighed and fluffed her silky locks with her fingers. “Do you have a brother?”
Yes. A no-good, murderous brother…
A growl rose to his lips and his heart accelerated. His muscles tensed into fighting mode. He tried to remain civil but his lips stretched tightly across his teeth and he snarled. “Not one good enough for a maiden as comely as yourself.” Besides, Hercules had turned to ash eons ago.
Elizabeth batted her lashes. “You, kind sir, should save your flattery for your lady.” She inclined her head at the shop. “She needs you.”
Leo’s pulse raced and without further ado, he pivoted and shouldered his way past several brawny uniformed men into the ravaged store. He paused for a moment while his eyes grew accustomed to the dim light and he homed in on Clestie’s sweet voice.
He gathered Clestie into his arms and trailed kisses across her face while cradling her against his swiftly beating heart. “What is this outrageous tale tumbling off everyone’s lips?” He took a step back and ran his hands up and down her arms and let his gaze search for any signs of injury. When he spied no contusions and no scratches, he breathed in a sigh of relief and tried to gather her to him again.
Clestie pulled back and crossed her arms over her chest. She shook her finger at him. “Not so fast, mister. A crazy man dressed all in purple velvet led an army of alligators in here and—” She broke off and slid a glance to the raptly listening policeman waiting at her side. “Later,” she mouthed.
Louder, she said, “Let me just finish up here and then we’ll talk.”
Leo chafed and dug his hands deep into his pants pockets. Frowning at the deep claw marks in the wooden floor, he paced. He bent on one knee and fit his fingers inside one gash. The aura wasn’t good, not at all. It was human, an extremely furious human, and that meant…
98 Heavenly Hijinks
His gaze shot to Clestie and he wondered how much she’d discerned. Did she believe him about Richard’s fate?
As soon as the policemen left, Clestie whirled on him. “You need to change Richard back!” Accusation rang clear in Clestie’s voice.
Trying to breach her angry feminine citadel, he shook his head. “No. Aphrodite did it, remember?”
Her face a bright, angry red, Clestie shook her head and backed away from him. “Then Aphrodite has to turn him back. Call her!”
A loud “no” exploded from his depths. Even if he had the power, he still would have refused. “Any man who strikes a woman deserves to slither on his belly throughout eternity.”
“Change him back, right now. I can’t believe this! How can you call yourself a god?”
“You’re obviously not familiar with the gods’ history,” he said dryly. Or the fact that he wasn’t a full-fledged god.
“Oh yes,” she drawled. “You have a very vengeful family…and sister.”
That he couldn’t argue. His muscles tensed and he stood taller. “I was protecting you.”
A snort exploded from her lips and her low, husky voice vibrated with anger. “Punching him out, filing an attack report—are protection.” She leaned closer and lowered her voice to a hoarse, incredulous whisper. “But changing him into an alligator…”
“I didn’t do the deed.” He had little control over his all-powerful sister. “Aphrodite selected the punishment.”
Clestie waved away his justification with a nonchalant hand. “Semantics. Nothing’s ever your fault, is it?” She clucked her tongue. “You weren’t the tiniest bit jealous? Wanted to get the competition out of the way?”
Gravely insulted, the blood in his veins turned to ice. “I do not need to stoop to such dishonorable methods to make a woman fall in love with me.”
“Your father Zeus did all the time. Like father, like son.”
“I am nothing like my father.” Uncaring if he was heaping eternal damnation on his head, he cursed his family.
“Like your sisters?”
“No.”
“Too bad you’re not like your brother, the hero.”
“Hercules?” He drew a ragged breath as though he’d suffered a stunning blow to his gut. “As I previously mentioned, he was less than heroic.” Seething, he stepped back and bowed low, his elbows out, his hands stiff at his sides. “I can see I am most unwelcome here.”
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Clestie remained an impenetrable wall. “You’re no better than Richard.” She paused. “Worse!”
Leo turned to depart and came face-to-face with a tail-thrashing alligator—wearing a paisley ascot. Razor-sharp teeth snapped at his ankle as a ferocious growl ripped from the depth of the animal’s soul.
Clestie screamed, “Watch out!”
Swearing, Leo jumped back. Panting, he yelled, “Sword!”
Clestie looked about wildly. She climbed atop the table and scuttled over it.
Richard bared his teeth and lunged at Leo.
Leo turned and ran but Richard stayed on his heels.
“Leo! Catch!” Clestie tossed a broom to him. “Use this!”
Leo caught the stick and stared down his nose, crossing his eyes. “A blunt stick is the only weapon you have for me?”
Snapping jaws broke the wooden handle in two, flinging the splintered halves across the room. One skewered the wall not more than five inches from where Clestie stood staring in disbelief.
Yelping, Clestie hopped back. “Holy…”
An evil smirk crossed Richard’s alligator face. He hissed and gnashed his teeth.
“Leave us alone!” Clestie flung glass jars at the creature’s head as fast as she could grab them off the wall. Glass bounced off the reptile’s leathery hide as ineffectually as a piece of foam. The containers shattered on the floor and the creature crushed the contents under its heavy club feet.
Leo girded his loins, grabbed the thrashing tail and heaved with all his terrible might. He pounded his fist in the air and cheered when the villain crashed against the wall and slid down the smooth surface into a heap.
He closed the gap to Clestie and gathered her in his arms. Stroking her hair, he murmured endearments against her soft cheek. “’Tis my fault, but he’ll never bother you again.”
Clestie trembled against him but removed herself from his embrace. She darted to Richard’s side and bent on one knee. She felt around for a pulse and then shook the limp body. “Richard! Are you alive? Speak to me!”
Fearing that the monster would awaken and take off her head, Leo tried to pull back the suicidal wench. “Foolish woman! Why do you invite death?”
Pulling back, she fended him off. “Don’t touch me! Look what you’ve done. Is he dead?”
Bouncing on his haunches, Leo raked unsteady fingers through his hair. “I doubt he’s passed through the gates of the next world.” His luck had not been so good of late. “The damage can be reversed.” Not that the brute deserved it, terrori
zing innocent women.
100 Heavenly Hijinks
Was that how the Greeks and Hercules had seen him? Brutalizing and terrorizing innocents? Doubt settled like a lump in Leo’s throat. Was he no better than Hercules? Was Richard no worse than himself?
Hope chased away the anger in Clestie’s eyes, although two red spots still flared in her cheeks. Again she shook the sleeping animal. “Please wake up.”
With a gentler touch, Leo coaxed Clestie away from the danger. “You do not wish him to awaken with you in eating distance. He has the instincts of a predator.” He didn’t add that Richard always had.
When they were across the room, Clestie gazed up at him with an inscrutable expression. Briskly, she rubbed her arms and stared from him to the unconscious beast and back. “If that thing is truly Richard, why haven’t you called Aphrodite to change him back?”
“You wish repentance from a god?” These contemporary mortals were unbelievably bold and full of themselves. They would never survive Zeus. Lucky for her he was a lot mellower as well as a lot less powerful. “You forgive what that man did to you?” Leo glared at Richard.
“No, not repentance. But how about mercy?” She rubbed the back of her neck and then looked from Richard to Leo. “Don’t worry. I have no intention of taking him back or condoning his actions. But that doesn’t mean he should remain an alligator, either.”
Zeus would probably ignore her pleas, but he wasn’t Zeus. Nor was he horrible like Richard. Lifting his hands wide to the heavens, stretching back his neck until the tips of his hair tickled the small of his back, he implored, “Oh great and wondrous Aphrodite, I implore thee to come and bestow your mercy on this wretched creature.”
A cloud of dust shimmered before them and Aphrodite slowly materialized in all her splendorous beauty. Her ethereal gown of blue threaded with silver swished at her bare ankles. Rings of gold and silver sparkled on her dainty toes. Her glorious raven hair twisted and fell in riotous curls to the lush curve of her hips. A naughty but indulgent smile played on her full lips. She held herself regally and lifted her chin a notch. Her gaze raked Clestie admiringly and she nodded her approval and winked saucily. “What is it I can do for my favorite little brother?”
