Heartless

by Zizi Cole

  When I heard her gasp, I continued. “That’s not to mention the broken bones and the mental scars. The memories that I can’t rid myself of. The nightmares that I have every night about it. The what-ifs of how differently things could have been. I won’t even say I’m lucky to be alive, if you call this living.”

  I felt fingers trail down my back. I had to force myself to stay still and let her explore the scars. She could never understand the full effect that it had on me. I wasn’t the same man that she once knew. I wasn’t the carefree, in love boy anymore. I was hardened. I was a murderer.

  I turned to look at her and saw her eyes filled with tears. She glanced away, trying to hide the tears. I touched her chin and turned her face toward me. “You see what happened to me, but do you really know what happened? Something like that changes a person.”

  Her hands came up to wrap around my wrist that was touching her face. “I’m sorry.”

  Slowly I shook my head. “You have nothing to be sorry about, Malina. It wasn’t your fault. I would do it again, given the chance. The gift of your love was more than I could have ever asked for.”

  She sniffled and regained her composure quickly. Then her eyes narrowed as a thought flashed through them. She had changed enough that she was good at hiding her emotions now. “So, if you are here for a job, I’m assuming you are here to kill us.”

  I felt my eyes widened at that. This was the last thing I expected that we were going to talk about. I knew I couldn’t lie to her though, so I just nodded. She leaned back, creating a distance from us.

  “When were you planning on killing me? The night that you were stabbed?”

  “No,” I gasped as she reached out and pressed the wound in my side.

  “Oh, so you were just going to toy with us some more. I may not love my husband, but I do not wish to die, unless it is of my own device. No one is going to dictate when I die, but me. This means, that you cared so little for me that you were willing to kill me for a few coin?” Her disgust and hurt was clear in her voice.

  “No. Damn it, woman. Let me speak.” I growled at her. I watched her left eyebrow raise as her arms crossed over her chest. “I didn’t come here knowing it was you that I had a bounty for. The Queen of Tiven isn’t mentioned often and if so, never by name. I came here thinking I could be done within days and back home to collect my gold. However, when I realized that you were my mark, I knew I couldn’t do it. I have never been able to do anything to hurt you.”

  Her face was unreadable as she stared at me. I hoped she could see the truth in my eyes. I had never intended to hurt her. I didn’t say anything, just sat and waited for her make the first move. She started to blink rapidly, but still didn’t speak. She dropped out of the chair and managed to come to me on her knees, before she threw her arms around my neck. She held me tightly.

  I gently wrapped my arms around her waist. She was thinner than I remembered. The feeling of her arms was wonderful. She felt right in my arms and I didn’t want to let go. I continued to hold her.

  I felt something wet land on my shoulder seconds before I felt her shudder. It hadn’t occurred to me that she would cry. I began to rub her back in circles, up and down her back. I didn’t want her upset.

  “Shhh,” I said quietly.

  She pulled back and let go of me. I reluctantly released her. I watched as she wiped her eyes. Soon all evidence of her tears had been erased. She finally spoke, her voice firm. If I hadn’t felt the tears, I wouldn’t have believed she had ever cried.

  “I thought you were dead, Tobias. The day I was sent here, I saw Raynor lashing you. You looked straight at me and it broke my heart. I was positive that you wouldn’t survive the beating. I knew that Father planned on killing you, I’m not sure what saved you. Then to have you stumble into my bed chamber, five years later, bleeding out, was a shock. I had a hard time believing it was you.” She paused and looked away. “I’m so sorry.”

  “Malina, you have nothing to apologize for. You couldn’t stop him. If you had tried, things would have been worse for you.”

  “There was nothing he could do that would be worse for me than what he already did. Sending me here was a punishment worse than death. Do you know what I have been through over the past years? I doubt that you do. I should have tried to stop him, killing me would have been a lesser punishment.”

  “Your father wouldn’t have made it a lesser punishment. He would have dragged it out until you felt death would never come. He deals in torture, not quick death. I have an idea of what you have been through from what I have observed since I’ve been here. I know that what I’ve seen is pretty much nothing, but if Luquin is how I think he is, it has been horrible. I am sorry for that. I am going to do everything in my power to keep him from touching you again.”

  “Tobias, you have no power here. All you can do is kill us and be done with it. All I ask is that you kill me quickly so I don’t feel any pain. I’ve felt enough in the past five years.”

  With that, Malina stood up and walked toward the door. She turned back and looked at me. “You have a new shirt sitting under the chair. Your boots are there also, so you can change and leave like you wish. However, I would wait another hour or so before I left, if I were you. The guards will do a shift change and you should be able to slip out unnoticed. Also, there is another bandage on top of the shirt. You can rebandage your side, if you wish. I wish you luck, Tobias. Good-bye.”

  The door closed quietly behind her. I walked over and picked up the bandage and began to carefully bandage my wound back up. Once it was bandaged, I pulled the shirt on and slid on my boots. After I laced them up, I spent the next hour stretching and doing some workouts so that I would be ready to slip out of the room.

  Malina hadn’t told me how to get out of the castle from where I was, but she also probably figured that I was resourceful and able to find my own way out. I looked out of the window to try to get a determination on where I was. All I could see outside the window was a field. That told me I was in the East Wing of the castle.

  Once the hour had passed, I slipped out of the room and made my way back to the church. I needed to keep my presence up there.

  I stayed with the other priests during services. I was giving out the wafers for the body of Christ. Father Lopez approached me before we started to the line of the congregation. He spoke silently in my ear.

  “I am going to have you give communion to the royals, so you need to head over there,” he instructed, voice above a whisper.

  I nodded and headed over to where the royals were located. I found it odd that they had their own box away from rest of the people, but I figured it was a safety thing since the wars. The wars had been rough on a lot of people. I was surprised that this church had as many followers in their congregation as they did. It wasn’t traditional Catholic like they had before the wars, but it was a new Catholic. They still believed in everything the Catholic church believed in, but with a few differences. There was no Latin. I had only heard of it in stories of old.

  I stood at the front of the box they were in. My nerves were buzzing since Malina would now find out that I was disguising myself as a priest. She looked up and made eye contact with me. The only sign that she recognized me was a widening of her eyes, then she quickly bowed her head. Kneeling next to her was Luquin. I was surprised that he was there. He hadn’t yet made an appearance at the church, until now.

  I turned my focus on Malina. Her back was ramrod straight. Her chestnut brown hair was pulled back in a punishingly tight bun that pulled her forehead a bit. The hair that managed to get loose was in ringlets around her face. She looked older when she was with Luquin than she did left to her own devices. I could see the tension in her shoulders.

  When they stood for communion, I saw a flash of fear in her eyes. They approached me and I murmured what was needed to be said before I put the wafer in Malina’s mouth. She maintained eye contact with me during the ritual. I placed the wafer in her mouth.

  Wh
en she moved on, Luquin stepped up to me. He stared at me for a long moment, and I didn’t break eye contact. I knew I needed to bow, but I couldn’t bring myself to submit to the man that had murdered my son.

  The punch came unexpectedly and I reeled back from it. I heard Luquin through the ringing in my head.

  “You bow to your king.” He demanded through gritted teeth.

  I straightened and wiped the blood from the corner of my mouth. I wanted to snap his neck where we stood, but knew that would be a death sentence and Malina wouldn’t even be able to stop it. I slightly bowed my head, yet didn’t bow. I also didn’t say a word to him.

  I felt the air shift as he reared back to strike again, when Father Lopez stepped in.

  “Your Majesty! I cannot permit you to strike a man of the cloth in the house of God. Please refrain from harming my people. If Father Mahoney is out of place, please refer the situation to me and I will handle it accordingly.” Father Lopez stepped deftly between Luquin and myself.

  “You need to teach your people some respect,” Luquin ordered as he stormed off.

  He grabbed Malina by the arm and drug him off after him. She glanced over her shoulder at me as she was being pulled away, some of the old fire that I used to know flashing through her eyes. I knew that she was pissed and I would be hearing from her.

  I looked at Father Lopez and he shook his head, trying to repress a smile. I could see the corners of his mouth twitching while he fought the smile. He motioned me to follow him. We went into the Rectory, and he motioned for me to sit in a chair while he wet a cloth for me to clean the blood off of my face.

  He sat down across from me and watched me dab at my mouth. His eyes were serious while he studied me.

  “You need to be careful.” It was a statement. No emotion behind it. “I know you were missing for a couple of days and I covered for you, but Father Mahoney, I can’t have you raising suspicion.”

  My eyebrows rose at that. Suspicion to what? What did Father Lopez know? I was going to have to be more careful. I was pretty sure I was covering my tracks and being cautious, but maybe I had been sloppy since I found out one of my marks was Malina.

  “What do you think I’m doing to raise suspicion, Father?”

  “That doesn’t matter. Just know that you need to be careful. Do not anger the king. Do whatever you can to keep him from noticing you.”

  I nodded. “I will do my best to blend. Thank you.”

  I stood and walked away before he could say anything else. Once I was back in my room I sat on the bed and sighed. The wound on my side was healing, but it still ached. I probably needed to clean it and change the dressings. I wished I had access to some good medicine that I could put on it and it would be healed in matter of hours. I was going to have to do this the old-fashioned way. I took off my robes and began to peel the dressing of the wound. A piece of the bandage stuck to it and when I pulled it off, I hissed in pain of it ripping off some of the scab.

  I wiped an ointment that I had on the wound and bandaged it back up quickly. I knew I needed to do something productive since I was out of commission for a couple of days, but I wasn’t sure what my next step should be. I knew realistically I should just kill them and be done, but that brought up the problem of what I was going to do about Malina. I couldn’t kill her. That wasn’t an option, so I had to figure something else out.

  I decided to take the night off and think about it some more, but then I heard a tap at my window, and knew that a night to relax wasn’t going to happen.

  Chapter 5

  T he tapping on my window sounded again. I walked over and peeked out, not seeing anything. I turned away thinking I was going crazy, when I heard something hit the glass. I turned back around and opened the window. Outside was the girl that I had met when I woke up in the palace. The one without a tongue.

  She handed me a note and disappeared into the shadows. She was quiet enough that she would make a fairly decent assassin. No one would ever know that she was there and she would be gone before she was noticed.

  I opened the note and looked at it. It just gave a location and nothing else. I folded it back up and closed the window. I knew who it was from. I didn’t need a signature to know. I quickly put on a black pair of pants and black tunic. I slid my boots on and laced them up. I knew that the person I was meeting was going to be impatient and I didn’t want to keep her waiting too long.

  When I approached the grave, I saw her kneeling in front of it, her hand on the cross. I stood off to the side for a moment, watching her. She didn’t look up before she began to speak.

  “I thought you looked familiar when I saw you the first time in the church. Then when you stumbled into my room, I was pretty sure I had seen you at the church, but I thought maybe I hadn’t.”

  She paused as she picked up the teddy bear and kissed it on the top of the head. She gently set it down and turned her head slightly to look at me. I walked closer to her and offered her a hand to help her stand. She took it and rose. She reminded me of an angel when she did it because it looked like she floated to her feet.

  “When I saw you, posing as a holy man, everything clicked. I know exactly what you are doing and who you are. How long have you known about—” She trailed off as she looked back at the grave.

  “Since you confessed.”

  She nodded. “Thought so. I knew I recognized your voice, but I told myself you were dead and you couldn’t be the one talking to me.”

  I stepped closer to her. I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to get too close with her mood like it was, but it felt like a magnet pulling me closer to her. I reached out and brushed her hair back, tucking it behind her ear. She looked up at me with tears filling her eyes.

  “I’m sorry. I tried to save him. This is the most I could do.” She gestured to the grave behind her. “I had to bribe the guards to take the baby to Father Lopez and have him buried instead of being fed to that wretched dog, which is what Luquin commanded. I couldn’t bear the fact that my child was going to be fed to a dog instead of buried properly. This was the most I could get away with, the unmarked grave, but Father Lopez took pity on me and told me which grave it was.”

  “You have nothing to be sorry for, Malina. I know you did the best you could. I don’t blame you for any of this. I’m sorry I didn’t have you run away with me sooner. If I could do things differently . . .”

  We both stood over our son’s grave in an awkward silence. I wasn’t sure what more could be said about the past. It was just that, past. There was nothing we could do about it now. All we could do was move forward.

  The slap across the face caught me off guard. I just stood there and stared at her. Her face had flushed in a heartbeat and I could see the anger seething off of her.

  “How could you provoke him like that! You could have gotten yourself killed. You are lucky all he did was strike you. He could have had you beheaded for that.”

  “Malina, I’m not afraid of Luquin. I can hold my own. They don’t behead people anymore.”

  “You obviously haven’t been here long. Luquin loves watching people be beheaded. He had done reading on types of punishments that were done in Ancient Europe and it fascinates him. He talks about ways he wants to kill prisoners all the time. He had even tied a prisoner to four horses and had them ripped apart. You don’t know what you are a dealing with, Tobias.”

  “It doesn’t matter. I will take him down.”

  “You might as well kill me, too. I won’t survive alone, especially here. They will not let a woman rule here, even if the king is dead. Also a queen with no king is a free for all. If she chooses a husband, then he can become king immediately. If not, then one of his family- if he doesn’t have an heir- steps up and either marries the queen or has her killed. And I do not care for any of those options.”

  As she spoke, thoughts raced through my head. I had several ideas of what I could do to protect her. Killing her wasn’t an option and leaving him alive wasn’t an option eith
er. Since I was a little more aware of the way things worked here, I may be able to formulate a plan, but I had to make sure that she was going to be safe before I did anything else.

  “Malina, calm down. I will be sure everything is fine before I do anything. I am not usually the type to make rash decisions without knowing the consequences of all of my actions. I am smarter than I used to be.”

  She stepped closer to me. Her blue eyes looked lost and sad. I hated seeing that look on her face. She gently placed her hand on my cheek. She stepped up and kissed me lightly on the lips. She pulled back, eyes wide.

  I leaned down and pressed my lips softly against hers again. I felt the spark shoot through my body. It was an air of recognition. I stepped closer so our bodies were pressed together and she wrapped her arms around my neck. I placed my hands on her waist. It had been so long since I had kissed or touched a woman. She felt right under my hands.

  She deepened the kiss and I felt her tongue touch my lips. I opened up to the kiss and slid my hands into her hair. I gripped it as she moaned into my mouth. I broke the kiss and stepped away from her, panting to catch my breath. I glanced at her. She looked away and smoothed her hair and skirts.

  “Malina,” I started, finally getting my motions into check. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

  “No need. I’m the one that’s sorry, Tobias. I shouldn’t have done that, it was inappropriate. I’m married—”

  “To a monster.” I interrupted. “One that you were forced to marry, that beats you, uses you against your will, makes you watch unthinkable acts. I don’t call that a marriage. I call it slavery.”

  She started to walk away, stopped and turned back toward me. She nodded at me once. “You’re right. I am practically a slave, yet there is nothing I can do about it. That is part of being born of privilege. It is my cross to bear.”

  With that, she walked away. As she got further away from me, I fought the urge to run after her. I wasn’t a young buck after a doe. I was a man. A man that had an agenda. A man that was to remain heartless and do what needed to be done. I had to separate myself from the situation and re-evaluate. I decided it was time to have a talk with someone.