Heartless

by Zizi Cole

  He nodded. “That is a reasonable request, and I will take it under advisement. Anything else, Malina?”

  I shook my head no and quietly left the room, unscathed. I was shocked that he hadn’t reacted the way I thought he would.

  Chapter 8

  I had been at the castle for five years, yet it felt like a lifetime. I had finally gotten myself into a routine that worked for me. I would dress in the morning and go to the church for morning prayers. I would stay there, huddled at the feet of Mother Mary, making my plans. No one questioned my kneeling at the statue.

  I did pray to her for forgiveness. There were days that the guilt would flood me, so much that it felt like I was drowning. On those days, I didn’t get much done besides crying, praying, and begging for forgiveness.

  I was taking elixirs, constantly, to keep me from becoming pregnant again. I had vowed that I wouldn’t have Luquin’s child, no matter what happened. I wasn’t sure how much longer I had until he brought it up again.

  When I returned to my chambers from my morning prayers, Luquin was pacing the floor of my parlor. I shut the door and felt my nerves jump.

  “Where have you been?” he demanded.

  “At church.”

  “We need to talk, Malina.”

  I turned to face him. “What about, milord?”

  He stalked toward me and trapped me between him and the door. “Why haven’t you had my child yet?”

  I shrugged and gave him an innocent stare. “I don’t know, milord.”

  “You carried that bastard inside you for months, yet for the last two years, your belly has stayed empty.”

  I continued to stare at him. I knew no answer I were to give him would help the situation. He pulled a knife out of his belt and held it to my neck. I raised my chin, giving him better access to slit my throat. If he were going to do it, I wasn’t going to make it harder for him.

  “If you don’t produce me an heir, I will find someone who will, and I will have to deal with you.” Spittle sprayed me in the face. I closed my eyes to keep it out of my eyes and opened them back up after he finished talking.

  “Do what you have to do, Luquin.”

  He pressed the knife into my neck hard enough, I heard a small pop of my skin breaking under the knife. A drop of warm blood trickled down the column of my throat. I didn’t cry out, flinch, or tear up. He pressed harder and I maintained eye contact with him. I wasn’t scared of death anymore.

  He pulled the knife away from me and shoved me out of the way. Leaving the room, he slammed the door. I regained my balance and went to the mirror to examine the wound. It was just a small prick. I dabbed at it with a handkerchief.

  The door opened, so I glanced up to see who was entering. Pippa slipped into the room and shut the door quietly. She began to fix her hair and straighten her skirts. She took a deep breath, then turned and noticed me. Her eyes widened slightly, and she put a hand to her throat.

  “Milady, what are you doing? I didn’t expect you here so soon.” She asked.

  I smiled at her. “I could ask the same of you. I noticed that you are a little disarrayed. Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, things are marvelous.” She twirled in a circle.

  “My, my. You act as though you have met ‘the one’.”

  Smiling coyly, she said. “Maybe.”

  “Who is it?”

  Her face sobered immediately, as she shook her head. “You don’t know him, milady. Let’s get you changed for dinner. King Luquin stopped me and told me he wants you at dinner in the dining room tonight. There is someone that he is wanting to impress.”

  I nodded, watching her as she raced to my closet. She started to shuffle through my dresses. Turning back to me, she frowned. “Don’t you have anything with color? I figured you would have grown bored with black by now, milady.”

  I raised my eyebrows. She was with me every day; she should know I wasn’t wearing color anymore. “No. You know why, so please don’t bother asking.”

  Sighing, she turned back into my closet and picked a dress at random. “I suppose that it doesn’t matter which dress you wear then, since they are all basically the same.”

  While she was helping me change, I couldn’t help but wonder how she knew so much about what was going on with dinner. I knew Luquin and he would only tell her to tell me to come to dinner. Why didn’t he tell me while he was in my room?

  It sounded like I needed to look into the situation a little closer.

  I slipped into the passageway through the hidden door in my chambers. My footsteps echoed off the walls, so I stopped and slipped my shoes off. I picked them up and continued barefoot on the cold cement.

  Coming to an intersection, I paused and closed my eyes, trying to picture the map I looked at that showed the way to Luquin’s chambers. Once I visualized it, I turned right and continued down the hallway.

  I approached the panel that could open and I slid it open partially. I had a clear view of the bed. Tied to the bed was Pippa and Luquin was hulking over her. She had a smile on her face, obviously enjoying the ministrations that were going on.

  I slid the panel closed and made my way back to my chambers. I felt ill. I had suspected that she was the one he was having an affair with, but seeing it was different. I felt dirty just thinking that he had touched both her and myself.

  I sat at my table and wrote out a list of things that I needed from the village the next day. I added a couple extra elixirs, hoping questions weren’t raised about them. After I had finished writing out the list, I crawled into bed and attempted to go to sleep.

  The next morning, Pippa was in my chambers, setting out my outfit for the day. I sat up and watched her, disgust filling me. She was humming, I wanted to slit her throat to shut her up.

  I decided I would let her know that I knew the truth, just to see her reaction. “Pippa, we need to talk.”

  She turned and looked at me. “What’s wrong, milady?”

  “Don’t try to play innocent with me. I know who you are in love with.”

  Her eyebrows shot up. “Excuse me?”

  I cocked an eyebrow and climbed out of bed. I didn’t want her to feel more powerful than I, and needed to remind her of her station. “I know you are sleeping with my husband.”

  I held a hand up as she started to sputter objections. “Save it. I’ve suspected it for a while. What I won’t have is you embarrassing both me and yourself. This affair that you are having with the king will remain a secret.”

  “I-” I cut her off again, with the wave of a hand.

  I stepped closer to her and lowered my voice. “I hope that you weren’t responsible for what happened with my baby. If I ever find out that you were, believe me, you will wish you had never come to this castle.”

  I walked past her, then turned back and looked at her. “Oh, and you can tell Luquin of this talk, if you’d like. I will either deny it or I will admit it and he will beat me. Either way, it doesn’t matter.”

  I sat at the vanity and began to slowly and carefully apply makeup. I watched her in the mirror as she stared at me for a moment, then turned to finish getting my outfit out. After she finished that, Scarlet walked into the room. I dismissed Pippa and signed to Scarlet the tasks I wanted her to perform for the day.

  She nodded then walked out, passing Rosa at the doorway.

  Rosa watched me with a frown on her face. “What are you up to, Lina?”

  I turned and faced her. “Nothing. I am just getting ready for the day. It’s almost time to go pray.”

  “Malina Rose, don’t lie to me. I know you are up to something. I just don’t know what.”

  “Nothing. Everything’s fine.” I turned back to the mirror and smiled at her reflection. “Promise.”

  She nodded, but kept the look of concern on her face. I knew she didn’t believe me because she knew me better than even she had realized. She didn’t need to know the lengths I was willing to go, to end the pain and suffering that I was feeling.


  She helped me dress and prepare to walk over to the church. When I was ready, I headed out and made my way to the church, having to walk past the fountain. I hated that fountain and wanted to see it gone. I knew Luquin would never get rid of it, though, because of the pain that it caused me.

  I stopped at the fountain and stared at it for the longest time. My heart beat rapidly in my chest and I could feel my breath picking up. As I stared at it, I relived the night of my baby’s murder. I took a deep breath and walked away from the fountain, fighting the urge to turn and look back at it.

  When I walked into the church, I felt a tingle run down my spine. Shaking off the sensation, I went to my daily spot and knelt in front of the statue. I rested my head on the cool tiles and closed my eyes.

  Lifting my head, I stared straight at Mother Mary and began to pray. I always started my time here praying before I began to plan. I prayed that the baby’s soul was still at peace. I also begged for forgiveness for what I had to do over the past years.

  As I prayed, I had another chill run down my back. It felt like I was being watched. I was normally used to the stares, but this felt different. It was hard to explain what I was feeling, but it felt almost like I was being studied.

  Turning my head, I looked behind me, but there was no one there. It was odd, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was being watched. I mentally shook off the feeling and turned back to the statue.

  “Forgive me, Mother. I pray that you forgive me for what I am going to have to do. I haven’t been able to come up with any other solutions over the past five years and I’m tired. So very tired. I don’t want to fight anymore.”

  I kissed the cross in my hands and stood up. I returned back to my chambers to finish preparing for what was ahead.

  I woke up in the middle of the night, with the unshakeable feeling that I had been watched. I climbed out of bed and walked over to the panel, peeking through the holes to see if I could see anyone. Nothing. Shaking my head, I went back to the bed and climbed back in. I was probably imagining things, since I had finally come up with a plan of escape.

  I pulled the blankets back up and around me. I didn’t think that sleep was going to happen the rest of the night. I grabbed the paper and pen and began to write out instructions for Rosa. I knew she wouldn’t need them right away, but I wanted to make sure everything was set up. When I finished it, I wrote a letter to my sister begging her to take Scarlet in as her lady and to let Rosa back as well.

  I carried the letters over to the table and sealed them with the wax seal. I slid them into a drawer and locked it with the key. I hid the key in my jewelry box and gently placed it in the hidden compartment.

  I climbed back into bed and decided I was going to go through with it the next evening.

  Chapter 9

  I sat at my vanity, staring at my reflection. I had been studying it for the last few minutes. I didn’t look like the girl I was when I came here. I wasn’t the same. I was broken. I had tried for five years, to keep Luquin from breaking me, but he had finally succeeded. Even broken, I hadn’t planned on bowing to his demands. I had decided to take this into my own hands.

  I picked up the vial that I had Scarlet pick up for me. I studied the liquid inside it. It was a light blue substance. I knew what it would do as soon as I drank it. It wasn’t a simple elixir that prevented pregnancy like all the others. It also wasn’t a sleeping drug like what I would slip Luquin when he was feeling particularly broody and wanting to make me suffer.

  This elixir would end my suffering. I was promised that it would do its job within a minute of taking it. I would fall asleep, then my heart would stop beating. It was supposed to be a painless way to slip into the eternal darkness.

  I knew that ending my life would probably have me sent to purgatory or hell, but I felt like it was worth it. I didn’t want to do this any longer. It was a risk I would have to take. I had spent the last five years begging for forgiveness, so if the greater powers couldn’t forgive me after that, they never would, so it would be moot.

  I pulled the cork out of the vial and sniffed the elixir. As promised, it didn’t have a smell. I stared down into it for a long moment, trying to imagine what my life would have been like if Tobias and the baby hadn’t been killed. We could have lived out our lives in a cottage in the woods, or another country, away from my father and his wickedness. Unfortunately, they didn’t live and I was all alone. I was tired of being alone and wanted to join them again.

  I put the vial to my lips when I heard a commotion in the hallway and stopped. My heart jumped into my throat as I watched the door, waiting for the guards to break it down and take me prisoner. Something slammed against the wall and I jumped.

  Suddenly everything went quiet. I waited, frozen, with the vial in my hand. The door opened slowly and a shadow slipped into the room. He grunted and closed the door behind him. The shadow collapsed on the ground, and I saw his face.

  I gasped. It couldn’t be him. There was no way. He was dead. I had seen them torturing him. No way he would have survived. His name slipped from my lips.

  “Tobias.”

  I jumped from the chair, dropping the forgotten vial. I landed on my knees beside him. My hands trembled as I held them over him. Gently I ran my hands over him, until I found the wound in his side. My hand came away covered in blood. That was when I sprung into action.

  I grabbed the edges of his shirt and yanked until the material gave. I rushed over and grabbed a cloth. Tearing it, I pressed it against his side, trying to staunch the blood. My door opened, I looked up to see Scarlet standing there. I motioned her inside. She shut the door and walked over to me. She held him up while I wrapped the material around his side. Once done, we lifted him up and carried him into the passageway. I led the way to a small room. Settling him down on the mattress, I covered him up and sat down.

  Scarlet sat on the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees, watching us. I signed to her that I needed to make sure that he was okay. Then I gave her instructions on things I needed her to get. Medical supplies mainly. I needed to take care of the wound immediately.

  She nodded and scampered off to do as I asked. I let out a deep breath after she left the room. I was shocked. How could this be? I didn’t understand how he was alive and why he was in my castle now. I gently touched his forehead, convincing myself that he was real, and I hadn’t taken the elixir.

  He stirred under my fingers, causing me to freeze. I jerked my hand back. The door creaked open, indicating the return of Scarlet. I focused on patching his side up and making sure he was bandaged properly.

  After he was bandaged and resting peacefully, I sent Scarlet on her way and had her replacing his shirt. I settled into a chair at the foot of the bed to wait for him to wake up. I hoped I got the wound cleaned out enough, so he wouldn’t get a fever or infection.

  I couldn’t help but wonder why he showed back up in my life now. The night I was going to kill myself. I wouldn’t be able to do that now, since he was injured and under my care. If anyone knew he was here and who he was, he would undoubtedly be executed. Suddenly everything clicked about why he was there. He was the assassin that had been terrorizing Luquin.

  That meant he was here to kill me as well. I felt a stabbing in my heart with the thought that he was paid to see me dead. I had to push my feelings back to see this rationally. He was doing a job. Yes, I was hurt, but I hadn’t seen him in five years.

  I knew one thing for sure. I was going to talk to him and find out what was going on, before I let him leave. Maybe he could be part of my escape plan. Just maybe I was given another out, one which didn’t involve killing myself.

  Luquin was finally gone. I sat in the cell that I had been thrown in after I was brought down here. I knew that I wasn’t going to be leaving alive, after this. They would either hang me or have me burned in the middle of the courtyard. I didn’t regret taking the blame for the death of Luquin.

  It worked out the best for both of us
. I was free of Luquin and Tobias was able to take the credit for our deaths and get paid the bounty he was promised. The chest I had told Rosa to take with her, had all the information about Scarlet in it. It told who she was, her lineage, and gave her the birth rights that she needed to take the throne. I hoped that it would be enough. I had worked hard getting everything together for her.

  The chest also contained enough gold, so that Rosa could live on her own for years to come. I didn’t want her to have to live under the thumb of my father again. She would be able to support herself for the rest of her life, if she was conservative. It was the one thing that I could do for her, since she had been with me from childhood.

  My cell door opened, and I turned to watch the guard named Magneson walk in. He had a swagger to his walk and a smile on his face that made my skin crawl. I felt cautious as he walked in and stood over me.

  “Look who’s here,” he chuckled. “The high and mighty queen as fallen below the rest of us. How did it feel to fall so far?”

  I rolled my eyes and turned my head away. I wasn’t going to justify his question with an answer. I heard his bootsteps come closer.

  “When I speak to you, you answer me, prisoner.”

  I turned and looked up at him then. He was towering over me and his face was beginning to turn an ugly shade of red. I wasn’t sure what he was so upset about, he never worked directly for Luquin or myself. He was a newer guard.

  “You will address me with respect. I am still your queen and will be until the day I die.”