Doubt (The Connected Series Book 1)

by KA Hobbs

“Dinner is ready. What would you like to drink?” Doug takes the flowers and puts them in some water.

  “Something soft.” I wink.

  We all tuck in to dinner and pretty soon there are clean plates from everyone.

  “You were right, Abigail, this is the best dinner.” I am stuffed.

  “Can I get down now, Daddy?” she asks.

  “Of course you can, would you like to watch TV?”

  “Yes, please.”

  Doug turns off the music and goes to switch on the TV, finding some children's film to watch. We all sit together on the sofa, Doug in between us. A little family. I rest my hand on my tummy and close my eyes, picturing what it will be like when this little one arrives.

  ***

  I don’t remember coming up, but I wake in bed, Doug sleeping next to me. I get up to go to the loo, looking back to see Doug, sleeping on his stomach, arm wrapped around his pillow. I close the bathroom door and switch on the light. Sitting down on the loo, there is a sudden pain, and I clutch my stomach. I sit there for a few minutes hoping it will ease. It doesn’t. I reach over for some tissue, I gasp as the pain takes on a whole other dimension. Calling for Doug. I hear his stumble towards the bathroom, opening the door, he pokes his head in.

  “Soph?”

  “Doug, I need…” Then it all goes black.

  ***

  The next thing I know, I wake up in a dimly lit room. I open my eyes fully, looking around. I’m in a white room, there are curtains by the door and machines to my left and right. I look down at the bed, there are tubes coming out of my left hand and a cuff around my right arm. That’s when I notice Doug, asleep in a chair to my right.

  “Doug.” I croak. He jerks awake.

  “Sophie. Thank God you’re awake. How do you feel?” he looks tired and crumpled and his cheeks are covered with stubble.

  “Sore... what....?” he leans down, pressing his lips to my forehead.

  “You passed out.” I close my eyes remembering the pain.

  “Doug.” my voice is panicked now, “The baby.” He takes me hand, shaking his head.

  “They couldn’t stop the bleeding. They had to take you into surgery to stop it. I’m so sorry Sophie. I’m so sorry.”

  I can’t see, everything is blurry. My eyes are so full of tears they have to fall to make room for more.

  “No, no, no, no.” I close my eyes, hoping, if I close my eyes, when I open them, Doug will tell me... he will tell me…

  “Sophie, there was nothing anyone could do. You lost so much blood. I was so scared, I thought I was going to lose you.” he cradles my head to his body.

  “Our baby...” my voice breaks, more tears swimming in my eyes.

  “I know. I know.” he rocks me, back and forth, trying to soothe me.

  “Oh God Doug, our baby is gone.” the weight of the loss is too heavy, I can’t breathe.

  Trying to pull in a breath I break, I break into a thousand tiny pieces. My heart is shattering. How is it still beating when it’s this broken? I rest my hands on my stomach, praying, hoping this is a dream. But I know it’s not, you don’t hurt like this in a dream. Doug pulls back, tears swimming in his eyes.

  “I am so sorry.” I shake my head.

  “There was nothing you could have done. The doctor said, with the amount of blood you lost and the speed it happened, there must have been something wrong with the baby.” He takes my face in his hands, tenderly wiping away the tears from my cheeks.

  “Can I do anything, Sophie? I feel so helpless, I can’t bear it that you’re hurting.” I watch as a tear falls from his eye, sliding down his cheek.

  “There’s nothing anyone can do... our baby has gone, Doug.” he closes his eyes, making a pained noise at the back of his throat before sinking to his knees, resting his head in my lap, crying silent tears for our little Angel.

  ***

  “I’ll come back later; I’m not supposed to be here. They let me stay until you woke up.” Doug is sitting on the edge of my bed, holding my hand.

  “I’ll go back and pack you some things then I’ll be back when visiting time starts again, okay?” I look at my tray of food, not able to face anything to eat. “Can I bring you back something to eat? Drink?” I look up, not really focusing on his face,

  “Some flavoured water would be good. Can you bring my phone?” I wish I could say I was numb, but I could feel everything. The pain was so deep, so strong, it made it hard to breathe.

  “Anything else?” I shake my head, a fresh bout of tears springing to my eyes.

  “You have the TV to watch and I put extra credit on there so you can call me, anytime, okay?” he leans forward, wrapping me in his arms.

  “It hurts Doug. It hurts so much.” I sob into him.

  “I know. I wish I could take all this away. It is breaking my heart seeing you like this.” he holds me for a while. We both look up when my door opens.

  “Miss Bennett, I’m Dr Martin, I was here when you came in last night. How are you feeling?” I wipe my tears away, “Silly question. I just wanted to come and see how you were. I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m going off duty now, but I will be back tonight. Are you in pain?” he looks over my chart and back to me.

  “Not any pain that can be eased with drugs.” I whisper, closing my eyes.

  “If you need anything, just buzz, the nurses will come straight in. I will come and see you tonight, try and get some rest.” I nod and he leaves.

  “Your buzzer is right here, why don’t you try and get some sleep while I’m gone? I’ll be able to come back in a couple of hours.” he stands and puts on his jacket.

  “Abigail....?” I suddenly feel guilty for forgetting her.

  “She has only been up for an hour or so, Jane text to tell me. Our day out really wore her out.” he gives me a watery smile and kneels down to look me in the eyes.

  “What will you tell...” he shakes his head.

  “I’ll tell her you are poorly.” I nod, unable to say anything else.

  “Try and rest, you must be exhausted.” he kisses my forehead and runs his hand down my cheek.

  “I’ll be back as soon as I can.”

  I watch him; walk towards the door, and out of my room. I close my eyes trying to go back to sleep. I don’t know how long I lie there, waiting for sleep to take me, but eventually it does.

  Chapter Twenty-eight

  I fall in and out of sleep, not knowing what the time is, not caring. When I wake up sometime later, Doug is sitting beside me.

  “How do you feel?” he asks, leaning in towards me.

  “Empty.” It’s the first word that comes to mind. He inhales sharply, pain in his eyes.

  “Are you in any pain? I can get the nurse.” I nod my head, closing my eyes again. A few minutes later, my door opens and a kind faced nurse comes in.

  “Hello, Sophie. My name is Carol. What can I do for you?”

  “Can I get some pain relief and some water?” I try to smile, but my cheeks just don’t want to play ball.

  “Of course, I’ll be back in just a minute.” Doug comes over and sits on the edge of my bed. He looks tired.

  “I came back earlier, but you slept the whole time.” he takes my hand in his, warm, soft, comforting one.

  “What time is it?” he looks at the clock on the wall.

  “Almost eight. I have to go soon, visiting is only till 8.30pm.” he looks down at me.

  “The doctor said you should be able to come home in a couple of days. If your blood pressure stays as it is. I can’t wait to have you home with me.” he breathes, looking lost.

  “I brought you your things; do you want me to help you get changed?” I look down at myself, dressed in a hospital gown.

  “Please.” I try to push back the blanket, but everything seems too heavy. As I am trying to get up, Carol comes back with a just of water and some painkillers.

  “Can I get changed?” I gesture to the tubes in my hand.

  “Sure, I’ll disconnec
t you, just buzz when you’re done and I’ll come back. Take it easy okay, lean on this lovely man here.” she smiles at Doug.

  I walk slowly to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. Doug perches on the bath watching me.

  “Can I go to the loo alone?” I mumble, feeling embarrassed.

  “Oh. Yes, of course, I’ll wait outside.” I yell out when I try to pee. It stings.

  “Sophie? You okay?”

  “Yeah.” I choke out through gritted teeth. “One minute.” I finish going to the loo and wash my hands.

  “Can you bring my clothes in?” he steps in to the bathroom a minute later carrying my overnight bag.

  “I bought you one of my t-shirts in case you didn’t want anything around your tummy... and your dressing gown.” he looks helpless.

  “Thank you. Can you help me get dressed?” He gently removes the gown and slips the t shirt over my head. It is way too big, but it smells like Doug and that is comforting. He helps me back to bed and I close my eyes.

  “How is Abigail?” I ask.

  “She is worried. She doesn’t understand what happened. She saw the paramedics wheeling you out. I had to wait for Jane and Ian to arrive before I could come to the hospital.” I nod my head, not knowing what to say.

  “Do you want to sleep?” Doug asks, stroking my face, “You look so tired.”

  “I’ve slept most of the day, how can I still be tired?”

  “It’s the anaesthetic. It’s still in your system. Don’t fight it; your body has been through a lot. You need rest.”

  “Feeling a little better honey?” Carol comes in then and smiles.

  “A little.” she reconnects my tubes and looks at my chart.

  “Would you like me to see if I can get you something to eat?” My stomach turns at the thought of food.

  “No thank you. I’ll try in the morning.” she dims the lights and nods, “I’ll be right out there if you need me, just buzz.” Doug stands too.

  “I best be going. I’ll phone you in the morning. Everything you need is in this bag, I’ll leave it on the chair.” he moves the chair closer.

  “I wish I could stay Sophie. I’ll be back tomorrow.” he kisses my forehead and brushes his hand down my cheek, “Try and sleep.”

  “I love you.” I whisper.

  “I love you too. More than anything.”

  The night is a long one. Sleeping so much in the day means I struggle to sleep in the night. I give up and switch on the little TV by my bed. I flick through, trying to find something to watch. In the end I settle for Love, Actually. I don’t really see any of it. My mind is too full. I don’t remember falling asleep but when I wake up its light outside and there is a tray of breakfast in front of me. I try to sit up and pull the table closer. It’s toast and orange juice. The toast is cold, but the orange juice is delicious, the sugar just what i needed. There is a knock at the door and two doctors walk in.

  “Hello, Sophie. How are you feeling today?”

  “A little better. Still sore and...” The female doctor smiles at me sadly, taking my hand.

  “I can imagine. Has anyone been to speak to you about what happened?” I shake my head, unable to speak.

  “Okay. What do you remember?” she asks

  “I remember being at home... blood... pain... and then... waking up here.”

  “Well, you were admitted after passing out and losing a lot of blood. We tried to stop the bleeding. We had to take you to theatre where we were able to but... I am so sorry we couldn’t save the baby.” she squeezes my hand in hers.

  “There isn’t any reason you couldn’t go on to have a happy, healthy pregnancy in the future however. We would advise holding off trying for a while, to give your body time to recover. But once you feel ready…”

  “Thank you.” I whisper, tears filling my eyes. “When can I go home?” The second doctor looks over my chart.

  “Have you been to the toilet?” I nod.

  “Are you eating?” I shake my head.

  “Not yet. I will try today.” he seems happy with that.

  “As soon as you are able to eat and drink, we can get the fluids down and you should be able to go home. You will need to rest and come back if you spike a temperature, but you should be okay to go home tomorrow.” Relief washes over me.

  “Thank you.” He nods and leaves.

  “Sophie, I’m going to leave the number of some people who you might want to talk to, people who understand what you have been through.” She gets up and places some leaflets on the table.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow before you leave.” she smiles at me before closing the door.

  Lunch arrives and I manage to eat a little of the sandwich and a few grapes. I reach for my bag, pulling out my phone. I have a text from Miley.

  Soph! How was ur holiday? How is Abigail? Hope all is going well. We have NEWS!! We have set a date August 10th. Short notice, but I don’t want 2 wait. Need 2 go look 4 ur dress ASAP, Call me. Miss ur gorgeous face. X

  I put my phone back on the table and lie back; I have so much to explain to her, I can’t do it in a text. I settle back into my pillows and fall asleep again. Sometime later, there is a knock at the door and Doug steps in, looking better than he did the night before.

  “You’re awake.” he smiles his breathtaking smile, “It’s so good to see you awake, how are you feeling?”

  “A little better. I spoke to the doctor today...” he sits down next to me, taking my hand.

  “What did they say?”

  “I should be able to come home tomorrow... and there is no reason we couldn’t have another baby.” he looks at me.

  “That is the best news.” he kisses my hand, bringing it to rest on his cheek.

  “They said we should wait, let my body recover. But we can try again.” a tear rolls down my cheek, “I wanted this baby Doug.” he moves my table and wraps me carefully in his arms.

  “I know you did, I did too.”

  He doesn’t tell me everything will be okay, he doesn’t tell me we can try again, and he just holds me. We just sit together for a long while, he was comforting me and I guess I was comforting him too in a way.

  “Miley text.” I sniff, “They have set a date for the wedding. August 10th.” Doug pulls back.

  “That’s fast.” he runs his hand over his face.

  “I know, she said she didn’t want to wait….”

  “I haven’t told anyone Sophie, I didn’t know what to say.”

  “It’s okay. I’ll call my parents soon. I don’t want them rushing up here. I just want to get out of here and get my head together before I have to face telling anyone.”

  “Abigail wanted me to give you this.” he reaches into his pocket and hands me a drawing of red flowers and the little teddy she got me.

  “She is missing you so much. She will be so happy you are coming home tomorrow.”I don’t know what to say to that, I’m not sure how I am going to feel seeing her.

  “Can you lay with me?” I ask him, shifting over.

  “Here? What if I lay on something?”

  “You won’t. Please? I need your arms around me right now.” He looks at the door then takes off his jacket and shoes.

  “Okay.” he sits on the bed then lies back, I move into his chest and inhale him.

  “I need you, Doug. So very much.” he holds me a little tighter.

  “I need you too. I love you.” I fall asleep feeling a little at peace at last.

  Doug wakes me before he leaves.

  “I’ll come collect you tomorrow. As soon as you’re allowed home, okay? Call me.” He seems reluctant to leave.

  “I will. Thank you for staying with me.”

  “I wanted to stay. The nurse came in and saw you asleep, she said I was welcome to stay, as you were in your own room and all. Get some more rest, tomorrow will be here before you know it.” he picks up his jacket, slipping on his shoes.

  “I love you Sophie, so much. Never, ever forget that.”

&nbs
p; “I love you too.”

  I manage a little of my dinner, before pushing it away feeling sick. I try to watch a little TV but stop when advert after advert it advertising something with a baby in it. You never realise how much babies feature in everything until you don’t want them to. A nurse comes in to check my OBs and tells me I can have the drips taken down.

  “The doctor is happy you are eating and drinking, so we can get rid of these. Hopefully you can sleep a little more comfortably tonight.” she smiles wheeling the machine away. I switch off my TV, turn out the lights and settle in for the night.

  ***

  I’m given the all clear in the morning.

  “Just be kind to yourself, Sophie. You’ve been through something huge; your emotions are going to be all over the place, your body too. You need to rest and let everything settle. Don’t rush it, okay?”

  I nod, tears swimming in my eyes, not feeling ready to leave the safety of the hospital yet but wanting to go home desperately too.

  “This is my number. If you need help, with anything, please, get in touch.”

  Doug comes and collects me as soon as I phone him and tell him I can come home. Part of me is relieved I can leave, the other part of me — and I hate this part — is dreading seeing Abigail. Not sure how I will react. I don’t really say anything on the journey back. Doug is holding my hand in his, bringing it to his lips randomly and kissing it.

  “Do you need anything while we’re out?”

  “No, I just want to get home, showered and in to bed.” I rub my forehead, feeling a headache coming on.

  “Sophie.... Abigail leaves in two days. Do you think you’ll be okay... and be able to... hold it together until then?” He asks. His eyes focused on the road. I turn my head, glaring at him. Something inside me flips.

  “Hold it together? Hold it to-fucking-gether? Are you being serious, Doug?” I swipe at my eyes.

  “I didn’t mean it like that, Sophie, I just mean… shit! ”

  “I know what you meant. You mean, can I keep from curling up into a ball, from shutting everyone out and from spending my time crying and grieving for my baby, the baby I lost two days ago?”