Doubt (The Connected Series Book 1)

by KA Hobbs

  My voice breaks, my heart breaks, I break a little more at the words. I wrap my arms around myself, trying to keep the broken pieces of myself together. Doug pulls over, turning to face me.

  “Sophie, I’m hurting too.” I look at him.

  “Not how I am hurting, Doug. Not how I am hurting. I’m the one who lost our baby, I’m the one they had to operate on to stop the bleeding, I’m the one whose womb is empty now, I’m the one who walks away from this a nothing, you, you’re still a father. I’m not a mother. I lost my baby.” I can’t stop the sobs from breaking free, tears spill out of my eyes, taking with them a little piece of me.

  “Sophie, no.” Doug gets out of the car, coming round to my side and opening the door. He crouches in front of me, pulling me out of the car, right there in the lay-by.

  “Never, ever say you are nothing. You are everything. You are my everything.” he rocks me, at the side of the road. Like a child.

  “I’m not a mother, Doug. I lost my baby.”

  “I know. I know, I wish it was different; I would do anything to change what happened. But I can’t.” He lifts my chin and meets me eyes.

  “We have to find a way to get through this; we have to find a way to be happy again.” I push away from him.

  “How can you talk like that? How can you be so quick to forget our baby?” I get up and start walking away.

  “Sophie!” Doug is behind me in seconds.

  “Get back in the car, please. You can’t walk along here.” I turn around and get back in the car, knowing he is right.

  “I haven’t forgotten. I will never forget out Angel. But we have to keep going, we have to help each other. And I have to be there for Abigail too.” I don’t know why it upsets me so much, but the mention of Abigail makes me so angry.

  “You’re right; you need to be there for your daughter. Who do I have to be there for Doug? Huh? Who do I have that needs me?”

  “Me. I need you, Sophie. I. Need. You.” He brings his hand to my face, making me look at him.

  I don’t say anything, the pain is too strong, I need to go home, I need to sleep. I need to be alone.

  “Just take me home please, Doug.” He nods and starts the car, it’s not till it’s too late I realise we are headed to Doug’s and not my flat.

  “I don’t want to be here, Doug.” he looks at me as he parks.

  “You asked me to take you home. This is your home, Sophie.”

  I’m too weak to argue. I get out of the car and call the lift. He takes me hand while we wait, and I let him. Soaking up the warmth from his hand.

  “Will they be there when I go up?” I ask, not looking at him.

  “If by they, you mean Abigail, Jane and Ian. Then yes, of course they will be. They are worried about you, Abigail is so scared you’re not coming home... like her mum.”

  I look at him, his face is so sad, I don’t think it is possible to feel worse than I do right now, but I do. The lift arrives then and we step in.

  “Can you please just say hello to her, Sophie. So she can see you’re okay?” I hold my breath.

  “I’m not okay, Doug. I’m so far from being okay…”

  “I just mean...”

  “I get it.” the lift arrives at Doug’s floor and we step out. Doug opens the door and Abigail comes running towards him.

  “Daddy, did you get Sophie? Is she okay?” she frowns at him, tears in her eyes.

  “I got her baby girl, she’s right here.” he moves out of the way so she can see me.

  “Sophie!” she runs at me, wrapping her arms around my legs, just like she did the first time I met her.

  “Hi Abigail.” my voice sounds flat.

  “It’s good to see you.” Jane’s says from the sofa, “Can we do anything?” I shake my head.

  “Not right now, thank you.”

  “Are you okay?” Abigail asks, looking up at me, worry all over her face.

  “I’ll be okay. I just need to go rest.” I step forward and she lets me go.

  “Okay.” she says, tears spilling out of her blue eyes that are the exact same colour as her fathers. Doug picks her up and she buries her face in his neck.

  “I’ll come see you later.” I say, before turning and walking up the stairs.

  “I’ll be up in a minute.” Doug calls after me.

  I don’t bother to answer him. I step into the bedroom and close the door, pressing my back to it. I walk over to the bed and throw back the covers, removing my tracksuit bottoms. I sink into the soft sheets and turn on to my side. I lay there, tears streaming down my face. I hear the door open and Doug comes in.

  “Here, I bought your pain killers and some water.” he puts them on the bedside table and its down, “Talk to me, Sophie. Please, please don’t shut me out.”

  “I need to sleep, Doug. Can we do this later?”

  “I’ll leave you to rest, but we need to talk.” he kisses me on the head before he leaves.

  I know I am shutting him out, I know I am hurting him when he is hurting too. I know Abigail needs me to tell her I am okay. But I hurt too much to do any of the things I know I should. All I want is for my baby to be safe and healthy. It doesn’t take long for me to fall asleep, but it isn’t the restful sleep I was hoping for.

  Chapter Twenty-nine

  When I wake up later, I am aching and sore. I sit up gently, reaching for my glass of water, I check the time. I’ve been asleep for a little over three hours. I’m due some painkillers so I pick up the box and pop two out. As I am swallowing the second tablet, the door opens. Abigail’s little face peers around the door.

  “Sophie... c... can I come in?” she’s been crying. Her eyes are red and her cheeks are wet.

  “Come on in.” I smile at her, moving over to make space for her. She climbs up and snuggles into me.

  “Sophie, I’m scared.” she cries. My throat constricts and I try to swallow down the lump in my throat.

  “Why?” I whisper.

  “I... I’m scared. Are you going to heaven like my mommy?” she asks, look up at me. “She went to the hospidal and she went to heaven.”

  Oh God, how am I supposed to answer that?

  “No... I’m not going to heaven. I just... I’m just a little sick. But the doctor at the hospital has given me some medicine and soon... soon I will feel better.” As I say the words, I say a prayer that they are true.

  “You promise?” she whispers.

  “I promise, I’m not going to heaven.” she hugs me tighter.

  “Can I tell you about my Mommy?” she asks, holding my hand.

  “Of course you can.”

  “She had long hair, like you. She let me brush it.” she smiles at the memory. “We baked cookies and she took me to the park. I miss her.” I snuggle her closer, not knowing what else I can do to ease this little girl’s pain.

  “I know you do.” I kiss the top of her little head, inhaling her sweet scent.

  “Nana said, she is happy in Heaven, that she watches me.”

  “She would be so proud of you, Abigail. You are an amazing little girl.”

  Her tears seem to slow down, her breathing getting deeper. She doesn’t say anything for a while and I realise, she has fallen asleep. Her tiny body is so soft, I hold her closer to me. I take comfort from her closeness as I drift off to sleep.

  I’m walking on the beach; the sun is warm on my skin, the sand wet between my toes. The waves are lapping at the shore. In the distance, a little girl is playing with her mummy, both of them running closer to the waves then trying to run away from them as they come closer. As I step nearer, I see the little girl is Abigail. She is smiling and laughing as her feet get wet. As I reach where they are standing I look at the woman’s face. Lauren. She looks exactly like she does in the photo Doug has. I falter, not wanting to intrude when she reaches out and takes my hand.

  “Sophie. I’ve wanted to speak to you for a while. Walk with me?”

  I can’t say anything, I only nod. We start walking down
the beach leaving Abigail to play happily.

  “Sophie, I can never tell Doug how sorry I am for what I did. I won’t try to make excuses. I’m so sorry he never got to share Abigail’s first few years. And I’m so sorry I won’t be here to see her grow up.” she wipes her eyes, silent tears are rolling down her cheeks, she looks beautiful even though she is crying.

  “I want you to do something for me, Sophie. Can you do that for me?” I nod again, unable to find my voice.

  “I want you to help Doug look after Abigail. She is my heart here on earth. I love her with everything I have. She was and is the best thing I ever did.”

  She looks back over her shoulder at Abigail playing in the sand. Finding my voice, I manage to reply.

  “I will do everything in my power to make sure she is happy, Lauren. She is an amazing little girl. To have overcome the heartbreak, to welcome not only her father, but me into her life, with no questions asked. I am in awe of her.”

  “She is very special. I knew that the day she was born. I want to make a promise to you too, Sophie.” she stops walking, leaning her hand down to rest on my stomach.

  “I will look after your Angel in Heaven, like you will look after my Angel on earth.” I close my eyes, tears filling and spilling over.

  “I’m not sure….”

  “You can, Sophie. Abigail loves you. Doug loves you both. You can. I promise to look after your little Angel, just like I would Abigail. We’ve both lost our babies, Sophie. I understand your pain.”

  “I want my baby back Lauren.” I open my eyes and her eyes are overflowing with tears too. She looks back at Abigail.

  “So do I, Sophie. So do I.”

  ***

  I wake with a start. Sweating and out of breath. It’s dark. I have Abigail snuggled to me one side and Doug on the other. They are both still with sleep and breathing softly. I look at the clock and it’s 11.25pm. I try to calm my breathing. What was that? I never met Lauren in my life, how could I dream about her? Why would I dream about her? And why now? I can only think that talking to Abigail about her mum right before we fell asleep prompted it. She asked me to look after her baby; she said she would look after mine. I wipe at my eyes, more tears are flowing. I don’t know how I dreamed it, I don’t know why. But I do know, wherever my baby is, they are safe with Lauren. We have a bond. Something we have both loved and lost but for very different reasons. Our babies. I lie there for a while longer, trying to process my dream.

  I don’t know how long Doug has been here, but I guess Abigail has been here since she fell asleep earlier. I don’t want to disturb them, but I need the loo.

  “Doug...” I whisper, he moves to look at me.

  “Are you okay?” I nod and point to the loo.

  “Okay... Do you need help?” I nod again. He gets up and lifts up the covers.

  “Abigail has hold of me and I don’t want to wake her.”

  He frowns, then goes over to her side and lifts her little arms off me, she groans in her sleep, reaching out for me.

  “Use a pillow?” I suggest.

  He picks up a pillow and snuggles it between her arms, it seems to work and she sighs in her sleep. Doug comes back round to my side and holds out his hand. He walks with me to the loo, holding my hand. He steps into the bathroom with me and I immediately notice the bathmat is gone from the shower. Doug notices me look and his face pales.

  “We had to get rid of it... After you...” he doesn’t finish. I understand.

  “Can you go to the loo on your own? Shall I wait outside?” I nod and he steps outside the door. I finish my business and stand to wash my hands. Doug must hear the water as he comes back in.

  “This is the first time in two days she has slept like that, she has been so scared. It bought back a lot of bad memories for her.” he rests up against the vanity, looking at me.

  “She asked me if I was going to go to heaven earlier.” Doug gasps.

  “I told her I wasn’t. She told me a little about her mum, she misses her Doug. It seemed to help, She fell asleep pretty soon after.” he rubs his hand over his face.

  “Sophie, I’m sorry for what I said earlier. I wasn’t thinking straight, I was so worried about both of you.” he moves towards me, wrapping his arms around me, “Are we okay?” he whispers.

  “Yes.” I whisper back. He just holds me. The silence is broken by Abigail’s cries.

  “Sophie! Sophie! Where are you!?” she is getting more hysterical with each cry. Doug pulls open the door and runs to her side.

  “Ssssssh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

  Doug has her in his arms and she is sobbing uncontrollably, her eyes searching the room for me. When she finds me, she wriggles free from Doug and comes running over to me.

  “You’re here.” she wraps her arms around my legs and squeezes.

  “Of course I am. I just needed the loo.” I try to reassure her. She stands, sobbing into my legs, her little body shaking.

  “Come on, let’s go back to bed.”

  I walk over to where Doug is, getting in to bed. Abigail climbs in next to me, wrapping her arm over my stomach. I tense, but she doesn’t seem to notice. Doug walks round to the other side and gets in.

  “Let’s go to sleep.” I whisper to them both. I look down and smile, Abigail is already asleep.

  I wake up the next morning to a pair of beautiful blue eyes. Abigail is awake and looking at me.

  “Good morning Sophie.” she whispers, resting her little hand on my cheek.

  “Good morning, Abigail.”

  “Daddy is still asleep...”

  She raises her head off her pillow and looks over my shoulder. I roll over and see Doug, fast asleep next to me. He is so breathtaking. His mouth is a little bit open, his hair falling over his forehead and his eyelashes fanned against his cheek. Our baby would have been beautiful if they looked like him. I wince, the thought causing me actual pain. Doug opens his eyes then and his eyes look worried.

  “Sophie?” I shake my head.

  “I’m okay.” he sits up and spots Abigail still in our room. He nods, letting me know he understands.

  “Morning baby girl.” he smiles “You okay?” she smiles and nods.

  “I got to sleep here all night!”

  “Aren’t you lucky.” he smiles back.

  “Yes! It was like a sleepover!” he laughs and looks at me.

  “Are you hungry?” I shake my head.

  “Not really, but I should have something.”

  He gets up stretching his arms over his head, causing his T-shirt to rise and show an inch or so of his stomach. Even in my current state, the sight of Doug’s stomach makes my heartbeat pick up.

  “Do you have any smoothies?” I ask following him.

  “I think so, yes. What do you want Abs?” he calls over his shoulder, walking to the door.

  “Pancakes!” she calls, “Lots of pancakes!”

  Chapter Thirty

  I manage a small glass of smoothie and a little chat with Jane at the breakfast bar before I need to go lay down. Having to pretend I am holding it together is exhausting. The tears start to fall the minute I close the bedroom door. I sink to the floor, holding myself together with one arm wrapped around me. Doug finds me like this ten minutes later.

  “Sophie.” he drops to his knees in front of me, looking lost, “Come on, let’s get you into bed.” he lifts me effortlessly and lays me down.

  “What can I do?” he lays down next to me, pulling me into him.

  “Nothing... there is nothing anyone can do.”

  I sob. I didn’t realise the human body could produce this amount of tears. Each time I cry, I think there can’t possibly be any more... yet there always are. He runs his hands up and down my spine, soothing me. It doesn’t make it better, but it helps.

  “I h-had a d-dream.” I hiccup.

  “What was the dream?” his hands a rubbing soothing circles on my back.

  “L-lauren was t-there... s-she told m-me...” the tear
s comes stronger now.

  “Lauren?” Doug can’t hide the surprise in his voice.

  “Y-yes, s-she told me s-she would l-look after m- our b-baby if we looked a-after h-hers.” I try to calm my breathing, inhaling deeply.

  “She did? It sounds like a…”

  “A weird dream?” I sniff, “It w-was. But, it sort of h-helped.”

  “Our little Angel is safe, Sophie. In heaven. I know that.” Doug whispers against my hair. “I know that.”

  He cradles me for a long time, whispering how much he loves me, how much he misses our baby and how he wishes he could change what happened. After the tears have stopped I notice how yucky I feel.

  “I’d like to take a shower, can you help me?” I murmur.

  “Of course. Jane and Ian have taken Abigail to the park. They thought we needed some time alone.” He stands and heads to the bathroom. I hear the shower go on. I start to get up when he comes back into the room. He helps me stand then starts to try and undress me.

  “Doug, don’t.” I try to push him away but he stands firm.

  “I thought you wanted me to help you?” his voice is shocked, his eyes hurt.

  “Just into the shower, I can do the rest.” I pull down my t-shirt.

  “Why? Sophie, I’ve seen you naked hundreds of times.”

  “This is different Doug, I’m still bleeding and I feel....” he steps forward.

  “You feel what Sophie?” I hide my face with my hair.

  “I feel, ugly and gross and less of a woman right now and I don’t want you to see me.” He inhales sharply.

  “Look at me.” his words are soft but firm.

  “Sophie, look at me.” he pulls my chin up to look at him.

  “You are beautiful, stunning, perfect. You always will be to me. Always. You are all woman.”

  “But I lost our baby.” more tears fall.

  “That wasn’t your fault. It was no one’s fault. It was just an incredibly sad thing. We’ll have another chance when we’re ready. I can feel it.” he reaches down and pulls up the hem of my T-shirt.