by Yoshiyuki Ly
Someone touched my shoulder. “Empress…”
I slapped her hand away, defending myself from some made-up person in my head. Some shadow. But it was only Videl. She was worried about me. I should have cared, should have said something to let her know I was all right. That would have been a terrible lie. “You shouldn’t be here,” I told her. Luna, Satya, Nyte, my bandits—none of them should have seen this, either. “Get to a safe house. Drop my name and they’ll let you right in.” Oh I felt Satya’s eyes on me as they left. She knew what would happen. What I would do. Videl stayed. She had no idea. “You too, Videl. Go with them.”
Videl stayed at my side. “I’m not leaving you,” she declared.
“That’s too bad. I don’t want you seein’ me like this. So you need to leave.”
“I want to support you.”
I laughed, hollow. “Support me? There ain’t nothin’ to support! I’ve bottled up too many fucking feelings over the years. Takin’ ‘em out on faceless women or drownin’ ‘em back down with alcohol. And those bodies over there are gonna rot away. They’re a reminder of the past I could never escape.”
Videl eased me out of the doorway by my shoulders. “Will you talk to me?” she asked gently.
“You don’t get it, do you? This is why I kept pushin’ you away. This is why I said I’ve got too many troubles! I don’t know how to deal with shit. I’ve got the emotional maturity of a ten-year-old. I thought I’d moved on from this place, those people. Bein’ the Empress of Elysium should have moved mountains, but it didn’t do nothin’. All I did was disguise my problems. I want my people to love me because I never got none from those fuckers in there. I refuse to change to fit your happy little future for Tynan because I’m afraid Elysium will hate me if I do that. So if you’re with me for some power trip, for politics, to change my mind…”
She knelt down before me. Videl bowed her head and said, “I’m with you because I love you, Raj. You are my honor. You are my devotion. All I want is to serve you at your pleasure. No matter what.”
The people passing us by couldn’t see inside of me. They knew my title; thought it must’ve been appropriate for her to kiss my legs in public like this. After twenty seven years, Videl was the first person to tell me that she loved me. And she said my real name. Happiness, dread, fulfillment, horror, and the inevitability of failing somehow, and wondering how far she’d fall for me before I shattered her dreams of perfect love—all of it welled inside of me, right up to my eyes. And there, just through this door were the ones responsible for me. Their bullshit clogged my genes and I couldn’t wash it out. For years I’d thought I was done with it all. Eden had sent me running back here with their laws, their greed. Stella’s plans had spiraled it in the first place, and then the mystery person after her who couldn’t leave it alone. Videl was so pure, so chivalrous. I wanted to see how far my shadow could stretch on the ground before she gave up trying to hold all of me in her arms.
I had us leave the hospice before I did anything I’d regret. I needed a plan. Something to focus on while I was here. The Holy Knights Thirteen were bound to follow me here within a few weeks. When they did, I’d be ready for them.
I took Videl out on a date—a very late dinner at a nice place down the way. We didn’t say a word. She spent the whole time staring at me, barely eating anything. Her life in Eden hadn’t been easy, growing up, but I still couldn’t tell myself that she’d understand. The look on her face made it obvious that she had no idea how to handle me anymore. It was only after we left, and went to the market to buy food. Enough to last a few weeks, at least. Here I explained the mess to her. My parents—who they were, who they weren’t, and that I couldn’t deal with seeing them again. I explained how convinced I was that I’d end up like them one day. That, deep down, I was too angry at them to move on with my life. All of these issues had built up. I’d never had anyone to talk to about them. Satya had been a lesson in saving face, in smiling when everything hurt. I couldn’t keep doing that. I needed to get this out of my system. I needed to brood on it one last time and get rid of it. What was left of the ashes after the fires—that was all I could keep once this was over.
“I won’t let you burn me,” said Videl. She followed after me as I led her to my old house, carrying most of the food for us. “You mean too much to me. I know you think I don’t understand. Let me in and give me a chance to know this side of you. That’s all I’m asking for.”
As I thought about her words, I noticed something weird nearby. There was a black rabbit hanging out in the middle of the road. Then it turned to stare at me. I thought I was seeing things. A few people on horses passed by; the rabbit disappeared. It was too hot here for most animals, let alone rabbits. Had to have been an illusion. I put it out of my mind as we rounded the corner to my childhood home.
The building had been updated to fit with the rest of the town. That made it easier for me to numb my reaction. Now it looked like a normal home that just about anyone would want to live in. I was almost disappointed once we got inside. It was so fucking bland in here. All the furniture was basic and sterile. The windows had been sealed shut to keep anyone from breaking in. Plenty of weirdos knew this was where I used to live, so of course they’d want to get a better look for themselves. Except there was no soul here. No character. Nothing. Maybe a measure of how much money I’d sent over the years for them to afford this excuse for a home. They’d even gotten rid of the basement. The one at Vassago was only a replica. It was all I had of this place now.
I passed the time doing nothing. Weeks, over a month, and I lay in my parents’ new bedroom, on the bed they’d probably had wild sex in. All the sounds from those parties they’d had came back to me. I spent the days smoking up the black velvet from Kurtz’s stash. Being in this messed up haze was all I could do. Satya and the others had dropped by a few times. I’d had nothing to say to them. The only real thing I’d done was telling everyone in Limerick to get the hell out of this town. I’d convinced the authorities that the Holy Knights Thirteen wanted to burn this place, just because I was from here. I stared out the window that afternoon, watching people break their backs in the hot sun to get their whole homes onto wagons and into carriages. They planned on moving to Elysium to live under my rule. That brought up more pressure for me to get it together and sort out all the hatred Eden had for my people. All I had was a half-baked plan to get rid of half of the hatred, and I wasn’t confident that it would work at all. I’d told the hospice to keep my parents where they were. If there was a situation after everyone had moved out, I’d said I would deal with my parents on my own. The happy-oblivious doctors and nurses had believed me, trusting me to keep an eye out for my sweet, sweet folks.
****
Videl remained dutiful, knelt at the side of the bed while I smoked. I didn’t dare touch her unless I was sober. I couldn’t trust myself to look out for her safety while I was high. If she used the safe words during a scene, and I was too far gone to hear her… No. I wouldn’t do that to her. I made her fuck me instead. Opening my legs for her was so much easier while I was high out of my mind. She got to feel me like this. She got to be inside of me, deep in the drenched darkness I was so afraid of. Videl fucked me like she wanted to go through me. As if her plastic were real, and she was about to come, except she couldn’t, and kept going like that, clawing to an end that wasn’t possible, all for my sake. Feeling her this deeply was the only thing that made me keep my head on right. Listening to her say again and again that she loved me, and for her to mean it—that helped me to not fall.
And when I was sober enough to do it, I made sure to use her as I pleased.
This time, Videl was fast asleep after exhausting herself for me; bare save for her collar and the warm sheets over her body. We were downstairs on the couch after having the others over for drinks. Videl had fucked me as soon as they were gone and then fell asleep with her head in my lap. Revitalized through her rest; those breaths could have been death through
her transcendentalism these past weeks. I felt Videl’s disregard for pure safety dwindling day by day. I wished we could have gone outside for some exhibitionism. The city deserved to know…how fucked up we were. But I didn’t want any of her superiors finding us, and using our time together as yet another reason to keep Videl from going back to work.
And her poetry. Every now and then she wrote a new one for me. The latest one really opened my eyes.
***
Don’t descend without me.
Don’t drift without me.
Don’t die without me.
I’ve entrusted you with all that I am
Whether premature, or naïve, I hold no regrets,
Because never have I felt a deeper pull than
To you, through these desert storms and that have tested
My patience, less so than you, with your distance,
Your height in highs as I stay here and watch you descend and drift and die,
Knowing that I can do nothing else except watch, except serve, except wait
For the phoenix of your resilience to bring you back to me again and again.
I am afraid the vermillion bird will forget its way
And one day
You might not wake from your highs or lows,
Leaving me here waiting for another show that won’t come
But this is my flaw—
I will wait anyway.
Take advantage, and I will have no choice but to find pleasure in the blood that spills.
Take advantage of my honor and I will still be none the wiser.
Take advantage of my devotion and I will still wait for you until the last storm passes.
I pray that you won’t destroy me,
Yet, as my Empress, you have the power to do so
As you please
As you need
And I will love you all the same.
***
Videl slept on at my side, wearing nothing except the sheets wrapped around her body. I’d mentally, emotionally pushed her away from me, and here she was. She hadn’t left. She hadn’t given up on me. Here in my darkest hours she knelt for me. Not once did she judge me for being here, for staying here. I found comfort in her arms for what felt like the first time, and kissed the collar around her neck. I hadn’t been this bare with her before—or with anyone else. Some nights, Videl had listened to me cry and held me without a word, without criticizing me. She had truly devoted herself to me. I’d spent so long convincing myself that it was impossible for anyone to do that at all, let alone for me. Right here, at the edge of this cliff was where I stood with her now, and I was more afraid than I’d ever been. I gripped her like I was a child fumbling around in the dark. My heart pounded so hard in my chest, I didn’t know what to do. If anyone took her away from me, I knew I’d lose myself again. This was too dangerous. Too deep. But she’d fulfilled everything I wanted and needed in another. Her virtues, her strength, her determination—everything I lacked, she held over her shoulders, and walked with them proudly.
What did I have that she lacked? Madness, maybe. That twisted place I could slip into so easily.
I slipped into it that day. In case some of the Holy Knights from Eden were in town, I needed them to see me out and about. I wanted them to think that I wasn’t aware of them. I made Videl get dressed. A white, boyish shirt and a short black skirt. Self-consciousness on her was lovely. We walked together through the town hand-in-hand. Videl’s mind did all the work for me. By the paranoid look on her face, she thought this was a scene. Technically, yes, it was. But it also served as a way to scout out for my enemies. I remembered what she’d told me about Luna, about imagining herself in her sister’s shoes. Videl had always had so many responsibilities, growing up. It must have been nice to fantasize about reliving those years without all the stress. Without having to become Miranda Florence’s sex slave. Without having to scramble money together to pay off all her father’s debts. She could have lived her own life and been happier for it. Then again, she might not have met me had she done that.
“Somethin’ wrong?” I asked, feigning ignorance.
Videl glanced at the people moving out of the town. “Feels like they’re all staring at me,” she said.
“You’ve got amazing legs. They damn well better stare. In the end, that’s all they can do.”
Stella was at the end of the road. Waiting for us. She turned to look at me, without all the edge and animosity in her eyes like I was used to. After all this time, and everything she’d started against me, I couldn’t be angry with her anymore. The romantic in me wanted to thank her for bringing Videl into my life. The cynic in me couldn’t keep up old grudges anymore. As we neared her, I squeezed Videl’s hand, reassuring her that everything was fine. My knight trusted me and followed my lead. Once Stella could tell that I wasn’t going to hurt her, she had us follow her inside the brothel nearby. The madam and her girls there had all agreed to go to Nirvana to work for Stella instead. They’d nearly cleared the place out. We found an isolated part of the building to talk alone.
I sat over the booth attached to the wall, fabric of perfumed silk. Videl lounged across my lap, facing me; looking up at me as I stared my rival down. Automatically I caressed her legs, up to her thighs, and the hem of her skirt, waiting for Stella to say something, to explain, to set aside her pride and apologize…
Stella bowed to me. “Forgive me, Raj,” she said. “Empress.”
I waved my hand, replying, “My name’s fine. Go on. I need to hear the rest of what you’ve gotta say.”
“After Nyte and I married, I thought I would be satisfied. There is something about the thinly-veiled peace in Elysium that unsettles me. You were so content to ignore the strife in Eden for the sake of keeping our people happy. I didn’t agree with your policies. I believed that we needed to fight for our rights instead of dealing with what little scraps of freedom the Holy Knights Thirteen gave to us. Those differences between us grew into resentment, even hatred. That was why I…”
“You had my enemies buy up a bunch of houses in Eden even before Videl got here to tip off the Excalibur…didn’t you? That was what made them so mad at me in the first place.”
“Yes, though you weren’t yet aware that they were your enemies.”
“Who do you mean?” I asked.
“Your bandits who betrayed you,” said Stella. “The ones who defected never agreed with your views in the first place. All they wanted was your protection. It was too easy to sway them. The citizens of Elysium are far more loyal to you than they were. Nevertheless, it was foolish of me to scheme against you. I was bitter. I hated you for your success when I was convinced I could do better. Nyte’s lingering attachments to you didn’t help. Everything escalated beyond my control.”
“What was your endgame? What was your goal? The hell did you want?”
Stella shook her head. “There was no end,” she admitted. “I simply wanted you to fear me. I wanted to keep you on-edge. Nothing more. Whoever has taken over—they’ve made the situation their own now. It’s out of my hands. All I can do is move forward if you’re willing to do the same.”
“Yeah, all right—on one condition.”
“I’m listening.”
“I need you to find out who’s in charge now and send ‘em over to me. We’ll have a nice chat.”
Stella didn’t look too sure about that. “There is only one clue I have. Kurtz has said that this person will find you soon enough. When that happens, you must go to Nirvana and tell me their identity. I’ll be able to help. A number of my girls have also betrayed me, much like your bandits. The ones who remained have their ears to the ground, however. They’ll be able to track the new leader and keep an eye on them. At least until you come up with a plan. I fear whoever this person is will grow suspicious if they notice your bandits snooping around.”
We agreed to work together on this. We spent a while longer talking until nightfall. The whole time, I felt Videl’s thoughts going in
to overdrive. My hands wandered on their own, and Stella was too polite to stare. I could only wonder what was on Videl’s mind. I wanted it that way. Leaving it to my imagination with everything going on was best. After we left the brothel, Nyte found us. It looked like the two of them had made up—mostly. Nyte let me know that a few of the Holy Knights Thirteen were in the hospice where my parents rested, like they expected me to take a trip there now that I was out of the house. They’d tried breaking into my parents’ house with no luck. I explained that I had a plan. I told Videl to go with Nyte and Stella, and to take Luna, Satya, and the rest of the gang back to Elysium. They’d have a change of clothes for her for the walk back through the desert. This time, she heeded my words; Videl kissed me, and bowed to me before leaving.
I realized that this was the first time we’d been apart since we first met. Even when she’d been avoiding me in Vassago, we’d been under the same roof at least. This was entirely different. Limerick was empty now. Everyone had moved out, looking forward to living life under my rule. This place had to die. I went to the hospice, smoking a blunt of black velvet as I went, for old time’s sake. This was the last one. No more after this. I didn’t even finish it. As it still burned, I threw it over a wooden wagon outside of the building. I pulled the heavy wagon in front of the entrance to the hospice to keep my targets from getting out.
The flames soared, and blazed, and took over the hospice. I heard the sounds of the Holy Knights trapped inside screaming. My parents burned with them. Steadily the fire spread to the shops nearby, and the taverns, and the brothels, and the homes that I’d fooled everyone into abandoning—including my old one that I’d spent a month in, battling with my demons, with Videl at my side. I left through the gates as the fire burned on behind me and watched the spectacle from a safe distance away, in the embrace of the desert’s night air. I didn’t get that long to enjoy what I’d done. I felt someone’s presence behind me.
