"There is still a lot of room for abuse. Many female students have been taken advantage of by male instructors. There is a tremendous power imbalance, especially in a formal school like ours."
"Do you feel like your attraction is coming from some unhealthy place?"
"No, but she might. Thats all Im saying."
Ellen turned around and looked toward the house. "I think youre way ahead of yourself here, Sean," she said. "First let the woman know youre interestedthen let her decide if thats a problem or not. You cant write the whole story by yourself."
Sean didnt ask the question she really wanted answered. How, exactly, did you go about letting another woman know you were interested in her? With men it was easywith this she felt completely out of her depth.
"Hey," Susan called from the house, "theyre here."
By eight oclock the terrace was crowded with women and a few men, partners of the heterosexual women in the class. Master Cho sat quietly, Chris Roma at her side.
"Happy birthday, Janet," Chris said softly.
Janet smiled gently. "Thank you, love. It is a nice birthdaythey are a wonderful group, arent they?"
"Yesand they all care about you, and each other."
Janet nodded, a slight frown on her usually smooth face.
"What is it?" Chris asked, ever sensitive to her lovers quiet moods.
"Drew is not here. I was afraid she would not come."
"Why not?"
"She is not one to make friendsbut I think she needs to. She has been too long inside herself, and she suffers."
Chris knew of the nightmaresshe couldnt help but know. Too frequently, she and Janet had been awakened by muffled cries coming from the guest room down the hall during the few weeks that Drew had stayed with them before moving to her own apartment nearby. Chris didnt know the circumstances and she didnt ask. Her lover and Drew had been friends for many years before she met Janet Cho, and the confidences they shared would never be revealed except by Drew herself.
"Shes happy at the dojang , dont you think?"
"Ah, yesthank goodness for the students. There she has women to care aboutbut, it is too safe."
"Too safe?"
"She can care about them from a distance, but they do not touch her heart. And, she does not have to accept the responsibility of being cared about in return. That is necessary for her to teach, but it is a hiding place, too."
"Is there anything we can do?"
Janet smiled and stroked Chriss hand. "No. Someday, I hope, she will let another claim her heartwhen the want is greater than the fear."
"Is that how it was with you?"
Again the small smile. "Ah, yesbut, with me the fear was of you not wanting me."
Chris laughed. "Then you will never have anything to fear."
Sean watched the party from the doorway of the dining room. She was touched by the tender scene between her teachers. She could not hear their words, but the gentle touches that passed between them as their heads bent close spoke of love. She looked for her sister and Ellen and found Susan in the midst of a group of laughing women. No doubt she was accosting them with questions about their masochistic tendencies. She couldnt find Ellen.
Just then, the doorbell rang, and she moved through the quiet house to answer it. As she crossed through the dim living room, she saw Gail Driscoll follow someone through the doorway opposite her and into the library.
She opened the front door to find Drew standing there, Seans denim shirt in her hand. Sean liked the way Drew looked in faded jeans and a white oxford shirt.
"Hi," Sean said shyly. "Im glad you could come."
"Sorry Im late," Drew said, holding out the shirt. "Thanks for this."
Sean took the shirt and tossed it on the mail table. "We waited to give Master Cho her present until you were here," she said, as they approached the group outside. "Can I get you something to drink?"
"A beer would be good."
Drew crossed to where Janet and Chris were sitting and bowed to Master Cho. "Good evening," she said.
Janet Cho smiled. "It is, yes. Thank you for being here."
Drew looked momentarily uncomfortable, and then made a conscious effort to relax. She watched Sean wend her way through the crowd with two bottles of beer, looking comfortable in a white tank top and black cotton trousers. She seemed to stand out from the other students, not just because she was a good deal older, but because she carried herself with an air of certainty that suggested she was at peace with herself. As always, her presence had a soothing effect on Drew.
"Thank you," Drew said as she accepted the damp bottle. "Your nose looks normal finally."
Sean laughed and touched her face self-consciously. "It actually looked much worse than it felt."
A fleeting shadow flickered across Drews face, and she lifted the bottle hastily to her lips. When she spoke again, her voice was steady.
"You handled it well. You would have made an excellent soldier."
Sean laughed out loud, a full, throaty laugh that animated her usually cool features. "Oh, not at all! Im almost as bad as my sister when it comes to taking orders."
"Not that Ive noticed," Drew remarked.
"Thats different. In class I understand that the discipline is to make me strong, to keep me focused on the task, to remind me of the seriousness of what we do. Its a discipline I accept as necessaryit actually makes me feel safe. I wouldnt welcome that kind of control in every aspect of my lifeas I imagine a soldier must do. It may be too safeI would feel stunted, too infantilized."
Drew nodded. "Youve got a point. Even though I hopewe all hopethat some of what you gain in class will support you in the rest of your life."
"It does," Sean agreed. "It helps a great deal in my workIm more resilient, I can listen to my clientstheir fears, their painI can hear it and feel for them without being immobilized by it. I feel more balanced." Sean stopped speaking when she realized Drew was staring at her, an intense searing stare.
"What?" Sean asked quietly.
Drew started and looked away uncomfortably. "Im sorry. I was wondering how you do what you dolisten to all that pain."
"I try to remember that there are all kinds of pain, and that the human spirit is amazingly strongand that with love and time, there can be healing," Sean answered gently.
"You really believe that?"
"I do. Ive seen it. Some pain never completely disappears, but we find a place for itlike a distant sound, we can hear it, but the intensity diminishes until it blends with all the other rhythms of our life. One song among many."
"Youre a poet, Sean," Drew remarked.
Sean blushed. "Hardly. Its just the way Ive found to make sense of the human condition."
"Its good there are people like you to do this work," Drew said softly.
"Thank you."
Their eyes met and held for a moment, and both of them knew there were words left unspoken.
Sean looked into Drews blue eyes, knowing there was a secret there, wondering if she would ever know it. Drew searched the gentle depths of Seans, wondering why she felt so welcome.
They both jumped as a voice at their elbows demanded, "Hey, Seanwhen are we going to give Master Cho her present? This party is starting to rock!"
Sean looked about and realized that people were beginning to dance, and that the alcohol was flowing freely. As the senior student, it was Seans responsibility to present the gift.
"Youre right. Id better do it before we completely lose everyones attention!" She looked regretfully at Drew, not wishing to end their conversation.
"Excuse me."
Drew nodded. "Of course."
Sean circled through the crowd, informing the students that she was going to get Master Chos gift. The ten women gathered in a semi-circle before Master Cho, who was flanked by Drew and Chris.
Sean stepped forward with a large rectangular object. She bowed, as did the other students in the group.
"Happy birthday, Master Cho," she said, a sentiment the others e
choed.
The gift was a hand-painted golden tiger, done by one of the students. The frame was also handmade and gilded by another student. The idea had come from all of the students, and they had all helped pay for the supplies.
"Ah, yes" Janet Cho said as she surveyed her gift. "You have captured the spirit of the tiger wellmay you all carry a little of the tigers tenacity and power in your hearts. Thank you."
As the students wandered back to their friends and partners, someone, probably Susan, dimmed the terrace lights and turned the music up. People began to dance in earnest.
Sean saw Ellen emerge from the house looking upset.
"You okay?" Sean asked.
"Fine," Ellen replied abruptly. "Hows the party going?"
Sean motioned with her arm toward the laughing, milling crowd. "Great. Suse is having the time of her life. I think shes insulted every one of my friends."
Ellen remained curiously silent. At length she said, "Is Drew here?"
"Yes," Sean said, "shes over by the stairs."
Drew was sitting on the broad stone wall that enclosed the terrace, watching the dancers. Even Janet Cho and Chris were dancing in one dim corner.
"Why dont you ask her to dance?"
"OhI couldnt!"
"Why not?"
"It wouldnt be appropriate."
"Excuse me?"
"You knowshes my teacher"
Ellen cut her off with a rude snort. "Oh, pleaseshes what? All of five years older than you? Youre not in the dojang now, Sean. This is just the real, old fucked-up world out here."
Sean was taken aback by Ellens rancor. Ellen could always be counted on to see the humor in every situation.
"Are you sure youre all right? Is it Susan?"
"Must everything be about Susan?" Ellen snapped. "Go ask the woman to dance, for gods sake!" At that, Ellen pushed her way through the crowd and disappeared.
Sean remained just outside the doorway, paralyzed by uncertaintyand uncharacteristic self-doubt. She had never done this before, never even imagined doing it. But when she asked herself honestly if she wanted to, the answer was yes. Finally, she willed her legs to move.
It was fully dark now, and Drew was only a silhouette against the sky as Sean approached. Drew sat with her arms out to either side on the wall, her legs lost in shadow. The dancing bodies seemed to fade into the background as Sean moved closer, until all she could see was the woman before her. When she finally faced her, she was at a loss for words.
"Would you like to dance?" she asked at last.
It was the last thing Drew expected, and she was momentarily stunned. Before she could think, she answered, "Yes," and pushed herself off the wall. Her hand moved automatically to Seans back as they moved to a space near the edge of the crowd.
As Sean turned to face her, the music slowed, and before she knew it, she was in Drews arms. She slid one hand to Drews shoulder and rested the other on her waist. Drew covered the hand on her shoulder with her own and encircled Seans waist with her other arm. They moved naturally together, and Sean felt the light pressure of Drews body against her own. She trembled, and hoped that Drew didnt feel it. The places where their bodies touched felt electrified. Without thinking, she leaned her cheek against Drews shoulder, and the arm about her tightened. She felt Drews heart pounding against her breast. Drews body felt at once strong and soft. The muscles under her hand rippled as they moved, but it was the softness of another womans breasts against her that stunned her. She wouldnt have believed how exciting it felt to be this close to a woman. They danced in silence, each listening to the sounds of the others body. When the music ended, they stood with their arms still enfolding each other, each reluctant to break the hold.
Finally, Drew stepped away. "Thank you," she said huskily.
Sean nodded, unable to speak.
Drew took another step back, putting distance between them.
"I must go."
"Yes," Sean said numbly. "I understand."
Drew shook her head. "No, Sean, you dont."
And then she was gone.
CHAPTER FIVE
When Janet Cho opened the dojang two hours before class, she was not surprised to find Drew there before her, working out. Her uniform was soaked, and Janet knew she had been there for hours. She returned Drews bow and moved in silence to one end of the room. She watched Drew practicing a weapons form, noting that Drew, if possible, appeared more intense than usual.
"You have something on your mind, yes?" Janet asked when Drew stopped for water.
Drew looked at her old friend in surprise. "Nowhy do you ask?"
Janet shrugged, "You have that look that says you want your head to be quiet."
"There is nothing," Drew said firmly.
Janet did not press. Instead, she joined Drew, and they practiced black belt forms together. As the students began to arrive, Drew turned to Janet saying, "I cannot stay for class tonight."
"We will be here when you are ready."
Drew bowed. "Thank you."
She stayed away two weeks, and during that time, class continued as normalexcept for Sean. She had lost her focus. She forgot forms she knew by heart, her balance was bad; she was frustrated and self-critical. Finally, after class one night, Master Cho called her aside.
"What is troubling you, Sean?"
Sean was acutely embarrassed. She knew she wasnt doing well in class, and the added pressure of her approaching black belt test weighed on her mind.
"Im sorry, Master Cho. Im trying but I cant seem to concentrate."
"That is because your mind is elsewhere. You must learn to use your training to center your mindfeel only your body, listen only to your body. Let your mind surrender to your body. Trust yourselfthe calm is there within you. Let it out."
Sean nodded. "I will try."
"Good. You will succeed. Be patient with yourself."
"Master Cho," Sean asked before she could stop herself, "is Master Clark coming back?"
"She will be back," her teacher said.
When Drew returned, Sean settled down. Just seeing her helped. When Drew hadnt returned to class after the night of the party, Sean had been afraid she would never see her again. Even though there was no way to bridge the distance between them, it was wonderful just to see her. Drew behaved toward her as she always had, although every now and then, Sean could feel Drews eyes on her from across the room. When she looked over, there was that same searching stare she had first seen the night of her test. In an instant it would be gone. By the same token, Sean took every opportunity she could to watch Drew. When Drew would demonstrate a technique for the class, Sean watched the way her body moved, the crispness and efficiency of her techniques, the focus in her eyes. When she imagined the woman within the warrior, she remembered how Drews body felt against her, and her cheeks would flush unbidden.
What neither of them realized was that their secret glances did not go unnoticed. While they both sought to keep their interest from the other, Janet Cho watched in silence.
~
Sean pulled up to the dark house, surprised that Susan had gone out. Usually she worked week nights at home, preferring to sleep at Ellens on the weekends. She frowned as she parked beside Susans car in the car port. If she was home, why was the house dark?
"Suse?" she called into the eerily empty house. "You home?"
She flicked on the kitchen light and caught her breath. There was an open bottle of vodka on the table, and it was nearly empty.
"Susan," she cried, running for the stairs to Susans room. "Are you here?" She pushed Susans doors open but the bedroom was empty. Sean began to panic. Something was not rightreally not right.
She searched Susans wing of the house, then her office and the library. Finally she headed for the terrace. She found her on the wall overlooking the garden. She had a glass in her hand.
"Susan," Sean said calmly, "what are you doing, Hon?"
Susan looked over her shoulder and took a swallow from her glass.<
br />
"Hi, Sis. Care to join me in a drink?"
Seans heart plummeted. "What happened, Suse? Whats wrong?"
"Ellen left me," Susan said.
Seans jaw dropped. "No! You mean you had a fight, right?"
"No, Sean," Susan said, enunciating each word carefully. "I mean, Ellen left mefor someone else."
"Ellen? Ellen is having an affair?" Sean couldnt get her mind around it. Ellen, her friend and partner, the woman she saw every day of her lifewas having an affair?
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"Yes! Im sure. She told me. Somebody named Gail."
Sean had a sick feeling in her stomach. It couldnt be. It couldnt have been Gail Driscoll and Ellen in the library the night of the party. It couldnt be.
"Where are you going," she cried, as Susan moved unsteadily toward the house.
"To get another drink."
Sean grabbed her arm. "Oh, no youre not. Not after six years of sobriety, youre not!"
Susan shook her arm off roughly. "Leave me alone, Sean."
"Not on your life. Youll kill yourself with this much alcohol!"
"Im fine."
"Youre not fine! Youre coming inside with me. I mean it!" She spun Susan around and barely ducked her head in time to avoid the glass Susan flung at her. They both stood in stunned silence.
At last the tears came, and Sean gathered her twin into her arms, holding her tightly.
"Itll be okay, baby. Ill talk to her. Well sort this out."
Suddenly Susan pulled away.
"I think Im going to be sick."
Sean got her inside and held her head while she vomited until her stomach was empty, and then some. She crooned soothing words to her, brushing the tangled hair from her eyes, fighting the desire to kill both Gail and Ellen for hurting her sister like thisand for putting a drink in her hand after six years.
~
Sean was waiting in the office the next day when Ellen arrived. She was happy to see that Ellens face was pale and drawn.
"We need to talk, Ellen."
"So you know?" Ellen said tiredly.
"I dont know your side of it. And I want to. Susan was drunk last night, Ellen. I want you to explain to me why."
Ellen closed her eyes. "Oh god! Is she all right?"
Radclyffe - Love's Tender Warriors (The Golden Tiger) Page 4
