"Of course shes not all right!"
"I didnt think she would drinkbelieve me, I didnt. I would have stayed with her until you got home if I had." Ellen sank onto the office couch, tears streaming from her swollen eyes.
"Tell me whats happening."
Ellen shrugged helplessly. "I didnt mean for it to happen. It just did. Isnt that how these things always happen?"
"Is it Gail Driscoll?"
"Yes."
"My god, Ellen!" Sean snapped, "Are you crazy? Shes twenty years old! What could possibly have possessed you?"
"Shes not twenty! Shes twenty-two. And, shes crazy about me and I needed that. I needed to feel like I was really wanted."
"And you think Susan doesnt want you? Do you think she drank herself into oblivion because she doesnt want you?"
Finally, Ellen got angry. "Six years, Sean. Weve been together six years, and I get to sleep with her two nights a week. I get to wake up with herif Im luckytwo mornings a week. Shes kept me at arms length all these years, and Ive finally had enough! I want a full-time lover, a full-time life!"
"And you think youll have that with a woman ten years younger than you? Ten big years younger?"
"It happens," Ellen said defensively.
Sean stared at Ellen, her emotions in turmoil. She knew how much pain Ellen had been in, and how Susans resistance to living with her had continued to distance them. But all she could see at that moment was the naked anguish in her sisters face.
"What about Susan? Have you stopped loving her?"
Ellen began to cry again, racking sobs that shook her slender frame.
"Oh godI dont want to love her! I keep praying Ill wake up and I wont anymore."
Finally Ellens pain reached Sean. She moved to the couch and gathered her into her arms. She pressed Ellens face to her shoulder and rocked her.
"What a mess!" Sean muttered. She forced Ellen to look at her. "Are you in love with Gail Driscoll?"
Ellen lowered her eyes. "More like seriously in lust."
"Terrific. And how do you think youll feel in six months when youve finally stopped fucking each others brains out?"
"I hope well still have a relationship," Ellen said hollowly.
"Will you stop seeing her long enough to talk this all out with Susan in therapy?"
Ellen laughed bitterly. "You know as well as I do Susan wont go to therapy."
Sean raised her hand to stop her. "If she would, can you put a halt to this affair and try to sort out the issues?"
"I dont know if I can."
"Ellen, please! Susan loves you, she needs you. Please!" Sean cried desperately.
Ellen rose despondently. "I have to think about it, Sean. I feel like Im at the end of the road with Susan."
"Just think about it, please. For all of us."
CHAPTER SIX
Drew knew there was a problem as soon as Sean entered the dojang . She went directly to the rear of the room, stored her gear, donned her uniform and began to warm up. She hadnt greeted anyone or even looked at anyonenot even Drew. Drew considered speaking to her and then thought better of it. Whatever it was, it was none of her concern. Drew was running class that night while Master Cho and Sabum Roma were at a seminar. After calling the class to order, she spent a half hour going over sparring drills. Sean seemed fine, although withdrawn.
"Get your sparring gear on," Drew called.
The class hurried to comply, and they lined up for further instructions.
"I want you to concentrate on techniqueshand combinations, double kicks, moving out of your opponents kicking range and into your own. Use this opportunity to practice the things weve been doing in class."
Everything went well with the lower ranks. Drew watched them carefully, urging the more reticent under belts to make body contact and to accept being hit.
"The point of practice is to learn to accept pain in a controlled situation. You cannot afford to be overcome by pain during a real attack. You have to absorb the painlet it flow through you and be gone. When you let it in, it loses its power. Try again!"
"Gail, Sean. Youre up. Black belt rulesremember to guard your faces."
Drew was surprised by the reluctance that showed in the two students as they bowed to one another. Neither of them attempted eye contact.
"Free spar positions. Begin!"
Sean looked unusually tightmoving stiffly, without her usual graceful transitions. Gail, on the other hand, was uncharacteristically timid. When she had the opportunity to make contact, she didnt. Finally, Drew stopped the fight.
"Youre fighting like beginners, both of you. You wouldnt last two minutes in a real fight. Now I want you to fight the way I know you canI want body contact, I want head strikes, I want crisp, focused attacks. Face each other!"
Sean faced Gail for an instant and then stepped away. Facing Drew she bowed and said, "Id like to be excused, maam."
"Sit down, Sean," Drew said quietly. "Anne, youre up with Gail."
Drew waited until the last student had left before speaking to Sean, who still sat at the rear of the room. She sat down across from Sean, her legs folded beneath her.
"Whats up?" she asked quietly.
Sean looked up, her eyes betraying her misery. "I couldnt fight her," was all she could manage. She didnt want to say more, she was too close to tears.
"Why not?"
Sean passed her hand across her face and swallowed hard. "I was afraid I would hurt her. I was afraidof my anger."
"Whats going on between the two of you?"
Sean looked away. "Its private."
"Not anymore. You brought it to the floor of this dojang . Now it concerns me."
Sean stood up suddenly. "No, it doesnt," she said tightly, turning away.
Drew rose swiftly, reaching instinctively for Seans shoulders. She had heard the tears. She turned Sean to face her and suddenly Sean was in her arms. When she felt the sobs, she pulled her closer. Drew held her silently, stroking her hair gently, cradling her against her body.
"Im sorry," Sean managed at last, her head tucked beneath Drews chin. The solidity of Drews body felt like a haven.
"Tell me," Drew said, not releasing her hold on the woman in her arms.
"Gail and Ellen are having an affair," Sean said at last. "Susan is heart-broken, and shes drinking again. I know its not really Gails faultor anyones faultbut Im so worried about Susanshe was all I could think about when I looked at Gail. I wanted to kill her."
Drew massaged the tight muscles in Seans neck as she spoke. "You did the right thing in recognizing your anger, in refusing to fight. Im sorry about Susan. Im sorry for Ellen."
Sean began to relax as Drews words reached her. She was so frightened for Susan, and so exhausted. Without thinking, she tightened her arms around Drews waist, drawing solace from her nearness. Slowly she became aware of Drews fingers in her hair, of Drews chest and thighs pressed against her own. She slid her hands higher on Drews back, following the urgent demands of her body. She felt the heat of Drews body against her face and the slight tremor in the arm that encircled her.
Instinctively she tilted her head up, eyes searching for Drews. The blue eyes that met hers were unguarded, and what she saw in them brought a soft moan to her lips. There was wanting thereand need.
Their eyes locked and held as Drew lowered her head slowly. Sean moaned again as their lips touched.
And then there was only sensationheat, liquid softness, muscles straining to fuse, hands grasping. Two forms melding, legs opening, intertwining. When Drews hand dropped to her buttocks and pulled Sean roughly against her thigh, Sean stumbled on weak knees.
She clutched at the strong shoulders and pulled her mouth away from the fierce kiss. "Ill fall," she gasped.
Drew groaned deep in her chest, burying her face in Seans neck. She held Sean, her breath torn from her, shaking. Sean clung to her, every cell on fire.
"Im sorry," Drew mumbled, her face still hidden, "Im sorry."
"Dont you dare
be sorry," Sean warned, gasping, "dont you dare!"
Finally Drew stepped away, her hands at her sides.
"Sean, I"
Sean stilled her words with gentle fingers to her lips.
"Please, please dont apologize," Sean said softly. "It was too wonderful to spoil."
Drew stared at her, a million conflicting emotions boiling within her. She wanted to run, she wanted to take Sean in her arms, she wanted time to stop so she would never see another thing except the flush on Seans face and the desire in her eyes. All she could do was stand mute as Sean gathered her things and quietly left the room.
CHAPTER SEVEN
It was midnight and Sean was frantic. Susans car was gone, and Sean was terrified she had gone out drinking. She had been drinking steadily for three weeks, despite Seans efforts to keep alcohol out of the house. At least until now she hadnt drunk while driving. At the sound of the front door closing she leapt to her feet.
"Susan?"
"Yeah, its me." Susan made her way tiredly into the library and slumped onto the couch. Sean reached for her hand.
"Where have you been?"
"I went to a meeting."
"Thank god," Sean sighed in relief. "How was it?"
"Pretty awful. I just loved standing up and saying, Hi, Im Susan; Im an alcoholic and Ive been sober six hours."
"Six hours, six minutesyoure sober! Oh, Susan, Im so glad."
Susan turned to her, tears in her eyes.
"What am I going to do, Sean? I miss her so damn much. I dont think I can stand the pain sober!"
Sean pulled her close. "Talk about it, Susetalk about it. Let me carry some of the pain for you. I love you, Susanlet me help you."
Susan cried and Sean cried with her.
"What should I do, Sean," Susan asked at last. "How can I get her back?"
"Do you want her back?"
"God, yes. I cant imagine my life without her. I miss her laughter, I miss her crazy humor, I miss how safe she made me feeleverything aches for her! Can you understand wanting someone that much?"
"Yes," said Sean softly, "I can."
"I dont know where to start."
"Youll have to start with yourself, Susan. You need to ask yourself how much youre willing to givenot give upbut give, for what you want. When you know, tell her. If its what she needs too, youll have a place to start."
Susan looked down at her hands. "What if she doesnt want me anymore?" she asked in a small voice.
"She does, Susan. She does."
~
"Good evening, Master Cho, good evening Master Clark, Sabum Roma," Sean said as she entered the dojang . As usual, she was the first student there. Each of the black belts returned her bow, but Drews eyes lingered on her as the others turned away. Sean met her gaze and held it, searching for a flicker of welcome. As was happening more often in the last few weeks, it was there. A softening of her features, the hint of a smile, a heaviness to her hooded stareDrew might seek to hide it, but Sean felt it like a caress. And she knew that Drew remembered.
"Class will be only one hour tonight," Master Cho announced. "We will have a black belt workout for an hour after the regular class. Sean, you will join us, yes?"
"Yes, thank you, maam," Sean replied eagerly.
After the other students were dismissed, Sean, Drew and Chris lined up for forms. These were a series of choreographed movements designed to simulate defensive and offensive movements against imaginary attackers. As one progressed in rank, the forms became more complex. When Sean completed all the forms she had been taught, she stood at attention while Sabum Roma and Master Clark completed theirs. Sean watched Drew avidly, taking pleasure not only in the beauty of the forms, but in the beauty of the performer.
Janet Cho watched Sean watching Drew, as she had done for many weeks, seeing the attraction grow. She was surprised by Seans patienceit was an unusual trait in Americans. There were instances of unmistakable desire that she was sure would have embarrassed Sean had she known they were visible to others, but just as often the look was one of simple, pure pleasure, as if Drews presence alone were enough to satisfy her. Such unselfish appreciation was a rare form of love. She hoped that Drew would find her way to accepting it.
Sean stood to one side of the room as Sabum Roma and Master Clark prepared to spar. Drew was the more experienced sparrer, but Chris Roma was agile and spirited. She managed several hits before Drew backed her into a corner and proceeded to pummel her with rapid hand flurries. At last, Drew spun three hundred and sixty degrees and launched a spinning back-kick at Chriss head. Chris missed the block. At barely an inch from Chriss temple, Drew stopped the kick that could easily have killed her.
"You cant stop that kick with an arm block, Sabum Roma. Not without a broken arm and a good deal of damage to your head. If youre trapped in close like that, the best you can do is drop to the ground and attempt a knee or groin strike."
Chris Roma bowed deeply. "Thank you, Master Clark."
"Sean," Master Cho called, "now you will spar Master Clark."
"Yes, maam."
"And, Sean"
"Yes, maam?"
"Guard your face."
Sean almost smiled. "Yes, maam."
When she faced Drew, Seans eyes were shining with anticipation. When she raised her eyes after their bow, the calm focus was once again apparent. Drews face, as always, was expressionless.
"Begin!"
Immediately Sean dropped to the floor, swinging one leg around to catch Drew behind the knee. Drew went down, tucking one leg under her into a back roll and came up again smoothly. As Sean followed her, preparing to jab, Drew snapped a front kick that Sean only partially blocked. It landed with enough force to rock her backwards, and that was the opening Drew needed. Again came the rapid hand flurry, the overpowering forward momentum of a ferocious fighter, and Sean did the only thing she could do. She retreated until her back was to the wall. And then she blocked one blow after another until she realized she couldnt win. She would block until she couldnt raise her arms again, and then she would lose. On the street, she would die. With a tremendous effort, Sean began to punch back until she cleared enough space to get a leg up. And then she kicked at the only target she could reachshe lashed out with an angle kick that skirted under Drews guard hand and caught her just under the ribs. She knew better than to kick full power while sparring, but it landed with enough force to cause Drew to grunt and back up another step. Sean slipped out of the corner and back to the center of the room where she could maneuver.
"Halt!" Master Cho called.
Immediately, Drew and Sean stopped and faced each other.
"Bow to your partner!"
They did so, and as they raised their heads, they were both laughing.
"Good work, Sean," Drew exclaimed, rubbing her ribs.
"Thank you, maam."
Master Cho couldnt decide whether to admonish them for their laughter or to overlook it. They had both fought well, and the genuine pleasure on Drews face was perhaps reason enough to allow a little lapse in discipline.
After Master Cho formally dismissed them, she said, "We will go out for dinner now, yes?"
Sean wasnt sure the invitation included her, so she remained silent. Drew was silent as well.
"All of us, yes?"
They took one car to avoid parking problems and drove to a small women-owned restaurant not far from the dojang .
"You did well tonight," Drew said to Sean as they rode in the back seat.
"Thank you, maam."
"Where did you learn that leg sweep?"
"Ive been watching you."
"Have you now?" Drew said softly.
Sean looked at her and nodded. "Yes."
The meal was pleasantly relaxed. Master Cho spoke of her training as a child, and what it had been like for her as a woman in the martial arts. Sean was captivated, and it was only Drews presence across the table from her that distracted her from her teachers stories. Whenever she would glance at Drew, h
er blue eyes were upon her. And she was certain she recognized what she saw in them. She only wished she knew what to do about it. She couldnt forget the way she had felt with Drews arms around her, with her hands upon her, with her mouth claiming hershe had lain down to sleep with her body on fire too many nights to forget any of it.
"What? Im sorry," she said.
"I said, would you like to walk back? Its really not that far," Drew said from across the table.
"Yes," Sean said, "yes."
They bid goodnight to Janet and Chris in front of the restaurant and began walking.
"Hows Susan doing?" Drew asked.
"Shes hurting, but shes better. Shes been sober for six weeks."
"You okay?"
Sean sighed. "When she hurts, I hurt. But I think shell be okay. Im not so sure about her and Ellen, though. I think Ellen is still seeing Gail."
"Thats tough. Im sorry."
Sean smiled. "Thanks. You helped, you know."
Drew looked uncomfortable. "I dont know what to say about that night"
"Well, I do," Sean said in frustration. "You held me, you comforted meand then you kissed me. And I dont know any other way to say this, but I want to kiss you again."
Drew stopped in her tracks and stared at Sean. She refused to allow her head to rule her now. "What I want to do, I cant do here," Drew whispered hoarsely. "My apartmentits not far. Will you come?"
"Oh yes," Sean said.
~
Sean ran her fingers over Drews chest and rested her hand upon her breast. She turned her cheek where it rested on Drews shoulder and pressed her lips to the soft skin.
"I knew you would be like this," Sean murmured.
Drew shifted and slipped one thigh between Seans legs.
"How?" she asked as her hands began to stroke Seans back and buttocks.
"Fierce," Sean said with a gasp, turning so her breasts were against Drews, "gentleoh god." She lost her voice as Drew pulled her harder against her thigh.
"I want you so much," Drew cried into Seans hair, "so much!"
"Oh, Drew" Sean moaned, pulling Drew over onto her. "Please, please, now."
At first the strokes were so tender it was like a whisper against her. Her hips arched, seeking more, her breath rasped in her chest. When she thought she would scream with need, she felt her insidestrong, demanding, filling her. Her hands clutched the strong shoulders above her, her teeth sank into the tender flesh of Drews arm. As the rhythm increased, a cry tore from her.
Radclyffe - Love's Tender Warriors (The Golden Tiger) Page 5
