"Dont stop, please dont stop. Oh god, Drew"
Drew dropped her head to Seans neck, whispering, "Ive got you, Seancome to me."
Sean sobbed out her pleasure, dimly aware that Drew was groaning as she thrust against her.
Finally, they both lay spent and gasping. Drew moved her fingers gently, starting to withdraw.
"Dont," Sean gasped, covering Drews hand with her own. "If you leave me now, I wont be able to bear it."
Drew began thrusting slowly. Her voice was close to Seans ear, teasing, "Can you bear it if I stay?"
Sean turned her head, capturing Drews lips, her tongue seeking. When she pulled her head back, they were both gasping. "Just take me, Drew. Take me!"
"I will," Drew groaned, fighting back her own desire. "I will."
~
Drew awoke, sweat-covered, crying out in the aftermath of the nightmare.
"Oh god," she gasped, shaking her head frantically to dispel the image.
"What is it?" Sean asked, sitting up amidst the tangled sheets, one hand stroking the wet and trembling back.
"Just a bad dream," Drew muttered through clenched teeth. "Im sorry."
"Dont be," came the soothing voice. "Can you tell me?"
"No."
Sean kept silent, continuing her gentle strokes until the tight muscles under her fingers began to relax. Finally, Drew lay back down beside her, reaching for her hand.
"Its almost morning," Drew said.
"I know." Sean laced her fingers through Drews and raised the other womans hand to her lips. Her skin was soft, slightly salty. Sean loved the taste of her. Following her instincts, she moved to kiss the swell of breast, lingering over the sensitive pinnacle. She was rewarded with a gasp from Drew as she nipped gently, then continued her exploration over the sweep of abdomen to the hollow above her thighs. She kicked the covers away as she settled herself between Drews legs, her fingers massaging the firmly muscled thighs. She pressed upward, seeking, searching, unconsciously following the subtle rise of Drews hips that led her inward, deeper. Her first taste of another woman was indescribableintoxicating, addictingso rich, primordially female. Drew tangled her fingers in Seans hair and pulled her closer, guiding her with her hands, urging her to feast. And feast she didjoyously, powerfully, humblyawed by the ability to give such pleasure. She gripped Drews hips, preventing her from pulling away at the crest of her orgasm, wanting the connection to last eternally. When finally Drew forced her mouth away, gasping, "I cant take anymore," Sean felt bereftsevered too quickly from the heart of ecstasy.
Sean rested her cheek against Drews leg. She felt incredibleshe had never imagined such beauty, such exquisite, tender power. To give such pleasure at once thrilled and amazed her. She felt utterly satisfied, wordlessly full.
"Come here," Drew whispered, drawing her up beside her. She pressed a kiss to Seans forehead, enfolding her in her arms.
Sean settled into the curves and planes of Drews body, one hand reaching to stroke her face.
"Are you all right?" Drew asked.
Sean laughed. "All right? I am so completely all right, I may never stop smiling. I have never experienced anything like that in my life."
Drew turned her head in surprise. "Never? I thought" her voice trailed off.
"It may run in the family, but Im a slow starter," Sean admitted. "But, now that I know, youre in trouble."
Drew laughed shakily. "No regrets?"
"Regrets?" Sean said, suddenly serious. She leaned up on one arm to face Drew. "You are beautiful, and making love with you has easily been the most beautiful experience of my life. My only regret is that I didnt meet you fifteen years ago."
"Fifteen years ago," Drew murmured, her eyes distant. "No, it would have been too soon."
"Probably," Sean answered. "Maybe now is exactly the right time."
"Maybe," Drew said quietly.
"Oh god," Sean uttered, "I never even thoughtare you involved? I never asked"
"No," Drew said abruptly, "thats not what I meant."
"Then what?"
"Nothing."
Sean knew there was something, and she had an intuition that that something was the source of Drews nightmare, and the pain Drew tried to hide. She didnt probe, hoping there would be a time when Drew would trust her enough to share that pain with her.
~
It was five A.M. when Sean entered the still house. Susan was asleep on the library couch. Sean attempted to cross to the stairs without awakening her, but a sleepy voice called to her.
"Can you still walk?"
Sean laughed, flopping into the chair before the fireplace.
"Barely."
"Did you spend the night doing what I think youve been doing?"
Sean blushed. "If you mean did I spend the night making mad, passionate love with an incredibly beautiful womanthe answer is Yes."
"Drew?"
"Uh-huh."
"Wowholy shitoh my godmy sistermy sister has come out!"
"Come out is not the word for itreborn? Yes, that might begin to describe it. How in gods name has the world managed to keep this a secret? Why isnt every woman a lesbian?"
Susans laughter, her first laughter in weeks, rang through the room.
"Oh Seanyouve caught it. Lesbian psychosisin full bloom already!"
"Oh, shut up! So what if all I can think about is getting her into bed again? Godall I have to do is think of her and Im"
"Enough! Youll embarrass me!"
"Why didnt you tell me?" Sean shrieked.
"What?"
"How incredible it is?"
Susan grew suddenly still. "It is, isnt it?"
Sean rose to sit beside her.
"HeyIm sorry. This isnt a great time for you, and here I am swooning."
Susan hugged her. "Thats okay. One of us should be getting some," she tried to joke. "So tell me reallywhats going on? Besides the great sex, I mean."
Sean grew quiet. "Im a little afraid to think about it, Suse. This is all new to me. Ive been really attracted to her for weeks, and when she invited me to her apartment, all I could think was that I wanted her to touch me. I didnt think about what it meant. And now all I can think about is touching her again. I think I might have skipped a few steps."
"Like what?"
"Oh, you knowdating, discussing things like monogamy, views on world peacethat kind of thing." Nightmares, secrets, barriers she thought to herself.
"Theres still time for all of that, Sean," Susan said.
"I hope so," Sean murmured.
CHAPTER EIGHT
Sean spent the day in a haze. The only time her mind was clear was the fifty minute intervals she spent with her patients. Between sessions she sat at her desk and aimlessly rearranged the pens and pencils. Every few seconds she would be ambushed by a kaleidoscope of imagesDrews eyes, her hands, the sounds of passion, the taste of her. And Drew leaning over her the night she was hurtpanicked, terrifiedand clearly somewhere else. Her professional instincts told her that whatever Drew was fighting, it was serious. Serious enough to keep them apart, and that was something she passionately did not want.
It was more than just Drew's physical appeal, although, god knew, that attraction was powerful. But she had admired physical beauty in other women before and had never been drawn to them the way she was drawn to Drew. It was the woman herself who captivated herthe contrast of fierce discipline, commitment, and self-control combined with caring and compassion. What moved her the most, she was forced to admit, however, were the glimpses of suffering Drew revealed in her unguarded moments. Thats what made Sean ache to hold her, not with desire, but with love.
She chose the work she did because the pain of others compelled her, touched her deeply, made her ache with emotion more intense than any pleasure. She was drawn to pain because, inevitably, it was pain that bound all creatures in their valiant struggle called life. In our pain we are most human, and often, most alive.
She sighed and pushed back from her desk. Sh
e needed to get ready for class.
~
Chris was surprised to find Drew at the door when she answered the bell late in the afternoon.
"Drew!" she cried.
"Hello, Chris. Is Master Cho in?" Drew asked quietly.
"In the garden. Go on back." Chris didnt attempt to follow. It was clear from the tone of Drews voice and the dark look on her face that she was here on a private matter.
Janet looked up from the chair where she sat reading and closed her book gently. She had been expecting Drews visit for some time now.
Drew bowed formally. "Forgive me for interrupting"
"I am glad you came. Sit down, please," she answered, pointing to the chair beside her. She waited patiently while Drew searched for words.
"Im going away for a while," Drew said at length.
"Ahwhere will you go?"
"Virginia, I think. The army has asked me to run an intensive training course for recruits."
"How long?"
Drew shrugged. "Six, eight weeks. Permanently, if I want the job."
Her voice was flat, but the trembling in her hands betrayed her agitation.
"Now tell me why you will go."
Drew thought of the reasons she had been giving herself but could not bring herself to lie to her old friend.
"Im not ready for a regular life. I thought I was, but since Ive been backIvethe dreams are back. I thought they were goneits been years. But now its worse."
"And you think they will stop if you go away?"
Drew raised her hands in a frustrated gesture. "I dont knowbut I have to do something."
"Perhaps the dreams have come back because this is a safe place to have themwhere you have friends, yes?"
Drew forced herself to say the next words. "Its not just the dreams" How could she explain that now she dreamed of Sean, terrifying images, all with Seans face. "Its" she stopped, helpless.
"Ah, yesI think I see. There is now the situation with Sean."
Drew started, shocked. "You know?"
Janet Cho lifted a shoulder gently. "I know that she looks at you with an open heart, and eyes that hold you. I know that you reach for her and then pull your hand away."
"I slept with her last night," Drew confessed.
"And now, you are afraid?"
"It was the wrong thing to do," Drew said harshly. "I was only thinking of myself. Theres something about herI felt it right awaywhen I look at her I feel calm, balancedsafe. And I wanted her. I didnt know shed never been with a woman before. Its not right for her to learn this waynot with me. I should never have involved her."
"There have been otherssince Dara?"
"No," Drew said, her voice breaking. "I couldntI didnt want to."
"Then I think there is something powerful between you and Sean"
"My need," Drew rasped, "my weakness. I held her and I couldnt help it." She got up abruptly and began to pace in the small, enclosed space.
"Do you think there is no need in love, Drew? We are human because we need love."
"Not this way," Drew raged. "Not without something to give, strength to answer need."
Janet Cho remained silent. Drew was deaf now, unable to hear beyond her pain, unable to see beyond her self-doubt. Her heart would open, or it would not.
"I will miss you, Drew. Be kind to yourself, forgive yourself."
"Forgive myself? Never."
~
Janet Cho faced her class. As always, the eager faces before her stirred many emotionslove, pride, concern, duty. From a distance, her hand guided them in the physical quest for spiritual growth. By hardening their bodies, they hardened their spirits. By listening to their bodies, they learned to listen to their hearts. There were many paths to personal growth. This was but one, but it was here, under her eyes, they had chosen to face their weaknesses and learn their strengths. They honored her with their trust. She honored their struggles.
"Master Clark will not be with us for some time," she began.
Sean didnt hear the words that followed. She hadnt expected thisshe had imagined that Drew might not want to see her again. She was too old to believe that every sexual encounter led to a relationship. She had even imagined that Drew might never even give her a reason for not wanting to see her. But she had never imagined that Drew would simply leave, without a word. She thought she could deal with the disappointment if one night were all she had with Drew, although she didnt quite know how she would stop the wanting. But thisthis was more than she could bear. She needed to hear the words, no matter how hard, that she wasnt wanted, that she wasnt needed. Maybe the words would be hard to accept, but the silence would destroy her.
She broke from the line and stepped to the side of the room.
"Sean?" Master Cho questioned.
"Im sorry, maam. I need permission to leave."
Master Cho bowed. "You are dismissed."
Sean bowed. "Thank you, maam."
She drove hurriedly to Drews apartment, no clear plan in her mind. She drove instinctively, answering only to her need to know what was happening.
She held her breath until she heard the lock click on the door. And then Drew was there.
"Sean," Drew murmured.
"Im sorry. I had to see you."
Drew looked uncertain for a moment, then stepped back from the door.
"Come in. Theres coffee"
"No, thanks."
They faced each other awkwardly, until Drew finally motioned to the small couch pushed beneath the open window.
"Sit down, please."
"Master Cho said you were leaving."
"Yes."
"Is it permanent?"
Drew stared at her hands, which were clenched in her lap.
"I dont know. Yesprobably."
Sean took a deep breath. She could leave now and imagine her own reasons. Try to forget, try to stop thinking of the way Drew had touched heron her body, in her heart. Or, she could have the truth. She wasnt sure which would be the harder.
"You dont have to tell meyou dont owe me an explanation, but you mean something to menoIm in love with you. Im not going to have any place to put those feelings unless I know why youre leaving. Is it me?"
"No," Drew murmured, "its me. I wasnt thinking very clearly last night. I didnt think about what it all meant to you"
Sean interrupted gently, "Im thirty-five years old, Drew. It took me ten years of a bad marriage and five years of celibacy to realize I wanted to love a woman. It took you to make me realize that. I am responsible for being here last nightbecause I wanted you. I will not accept, however noble, your bearing all the responsibility for last night. Please!"
Drew smiled, a small bitter smile. "You waited all that time for the wrong woman, Sean. Im sorry."
Sean expected it to hurt, she just hadnt expected how much. Not until that moment had she realized just how deeply Drew had affected her. How was she going to get over her? She turned her face away to hide the tears.
"Ill go," she said softly.
"SeanIm sorry."
Sean nodded. She did not look back as she headed for the door.
"Be well, Drew," she whispered as she closed the door behind her.
Drew dropped her head back on the couch, willing the sound of Seans voice from her mind. She knew it would take much longer to will her from her heart.
~
"Sean!" Susan called, rapping at her door, "Sean, let me in."
"Its open," came the muffled reply.
Susan crossed to the bed where Sean lay face down with her arms under her head.
"Are you crying? Whats wrong? Youve been up here for hours."
"Oh, Suse," Sean cried, "Ive gotten myself into a mess."
"What? What?"
"Ive fallen in love with someone who doesnt care about me. If that isnt bad enough, shes leaving the city."
"Oh, hell!" Susan picked at the bedspread. "Sean, honey? Are you sure youre in love? I mean, you know"
Sean rolled over to star
e at her sister. "It hurts, Susethat I cant see her, that I cant touch her. I close my eyes, and I see her everywhere! Im lying here and my body aches for her."
"Oh," Susan said, "Im sorry, Sean, really."
Sean grasped her hand. "I know you are."
"What can I do?"
"Youre doing it. Youre here, youre listening. Youre not telling me to get over it."
"Ha!" Susan said without humor, "Im the last one to tell you to get over her. We dont seem to love that way."
"How in hell have you been managing?" Sean asked bitterly. "I dont think I can stand it."
"Just keep doing what has to be done, Sean. Go to work, go to class"
"Oh godI dont think I can. When I walk in there and shes not there, I think Ill fall apart." She began crying again, despite her efforts to stop.
"You have to, Sean," Susan whispered, lying down beside her and pulling her close. "You have to."
CHAPTER NINE
One night, ten days after returning to the army base training camp in Virginia, Drew found herself standing outside a bar she hadnt entered for eight years. Eight years since she stepped out this door into a night that would change the course of her life. Eight empty tormented years.
Of course, none of the old faces remained. Life on and around an army base was transientso many people just passing through. Drew had actually been one of the more permanent residents of the town that existed only because of the nearby base. The bar had been a gathering place for women who couldnt be too careful about exposing their sexual preferences within the claustrophobic living quarters of Fort McGee.
She didnt recognize the bartender, or the woman seated by the door checking I.D.s. The decor wasnt much differentthe place still looked a little dingy. Still, it was filled with laughing women, relaxing after a week of work. In the case of the army recruits, it might have been their first time off base in weeks.
After ten days of staring at the walls of the small room that the army had provided for her, she had to get out. She didnt know where else to go. This bar was the only haven she knew.
Radclyffe - Love's Tender Warriors (The Golden Tiger) Page 6
