She took a seat at the long, well-worn bar and ordered a beer. She raised the mug slowly, glancing sideways up and down the bar. It was strange being hereshe had expected more of a reaction. She had replayed the events of that night so many timesfrom here in this bar to the street where it had endedthat she expected the room to be filled with ghosts. But, it seemed that her memories held those events with perfect clarity, while the years had tarnished the reality. There were no condemning voices, no demands for retribution, no restless souls hereother than her own.
Sighing, she drained the glass and signaled for another. Her heart jumped when her eyes met a pair of deep green ones staring at her in the mirror over the bar. The dark, ruffled hair and willowy figure reminded her of Sean, but it was the eyes that always captured her. She lowered her gaze, feeling the disappointment like a knife in her depths. It wasnt Sean, it wasnt going to be Seannot now, not ever. She had given in, just that once, to her need to touch those black curls, to hold the slender figure, to kiss the full generous mouth. And she had wanted her from that momentseeing her night after night at the dojang , watching her move in that fluid, graceful cadence of the dancers, accepting the soothing comfort of her smile, her presence. She refused to listen to the warning sounds in her head, surrendering, irrevocably, to her desires. And now she was hauntedhaunted by the vision of Sean, head tipped back, eyes half-closed, accepting her kiss, accepting her hands, rising to her touch as she entered her. The image of Sean as they had loved haunted her days, but it was the image of Sean lying bruised and bloodied that tormented her nights.
The nightmares continued, unabated. The pleasures Sean had brought her would have been worth the price of the night terrors if she hadnt believed that Sean deserved better than her. She had failed, once before, with a woman she had lovedat a price too high to bear. She would not fail another.
"That glass has been empty quite a whilecan I buy you another?"
The green-eyed soldier slipped onto the stool beside her, signaling the bartender for another round.
"Thanks," Drew said. Her voice was harder than Seans, without the mellow timbre that Drew found so soothing.
"I saw one of your training sessions out at the base. The hand-to-hand knife defense. It was impressive," her companion continued. "Im a drill instructorMary Burger."
Drew shook the extended hand, liking the firmness of her grasp. "Drew Clark," she added.
"I heard you had left last spring. I was surprised to see you back this fall. Couldnt stand civilian life?"
Drew fingered the handle of her mug, tracing the contour with one long finger. "Guess nothere I am."
Mary stood, placing a hand on Drews arm. "Come on, lets dance."
Drew felt too weary to protest and allowed herself to be led to the floor.
The night she had spent with Sean had thrown the world into turmoil. She had kept her feelings carefully contained, in some manageable corner of her mind, so that she might continue to functionand suddenly there had been Sean. She ripped the barriers from her heart, and the restraints from her body, leaving her a victim of her own needs, desires and fears. She had run, only to find herself face to face with her demons, back in full force. Not only didnt she have the comfort and tender joy of Seans presence, the wounds of her past now were bleeding as well.
Mary stepped into her arms, fitting herself with practiced ease against Drews tall form, and wrapped her arms around Drews waist. The heat of her hand barely registered in Drews consciousness. She was remembering another woman in her arms, the pressure of her breasts and thighs stirring a fire she had long thought extinguished. She danced with the memory, Seans face fluttering in her mind.
When they moved into another song, Mary tilted her head back and studied the handsome face before her. "How come I get the feeling its not me youre dancing with?" she asked quietly.
Drew blushed and unconsciously stepped back an inch, putting distance between their bodies. "Im sorry," she murmured, "Im a little tired I guess."
Mary nodded sagely. "Uh-huhand Im a major general. Its okayI admit I was hoping for more than a dance, but"
Drew shook her head, smiling sadly.
"Does she know how lucky she is?" Mary asked.
"Not so lucky," Drew said softly.
~
Ellen unlocked the door to the office she shared with Sean and was startled to find Sean seated at the desk in the small room they used for the business aspects of their practice. She had not seen Sean for several days, and she was taken aback by the fatigue etched in her face.
"What are you doing here so late?" Ellen asked, dumping the files she was carrying onto the end table.
"Catching up," Sean replied tiredly.
"Me, too. Im weeks behind in my insurance forms."
Sean nodded, pulling another file toward her.
Ellen stretched out in the one overstuffed chair in the room and propped her feet on the waste basket.
"Whats wrong, Sean?" she asked at length.
Sean glanced up, her eyes brimming with tears. "It shows, huh?"
Ellen nodded. She never quite got used to looking at the woman who was the reflection of her loverex-lover she reminded herself. The same fine features, the same ocean deep eyes. But, where Sean was cool and calm like the desert at night, Susan was fire and wind, burning up the landscape with her energy. Ellen loved them both for their generous and loving natures, but it was Susan who had stirred her passions. She had often wondered if anyone could stir Seans passions. Not that she doubted Sean cared deeply for people, but the core of her remained aloof, observing the passions of others, but never giving freedom to her own. She imagined it would have been terribly lonely had Sean been aware of her isolation; but, until now, there had never been any sign that she was unhappy.
"You look really sad."
"Sad?" Sean echoed. Was that what this wasthis empty, aching desolation? This feeling of being severed from all the joy and laughter in the world?
From the peace of her own heart?
"Im not sad, EllenIm completely lost."
The flat acceptance in her voice unnerved Ellen. She had heard the tone before, and knew it went hand in hand with deep pain.
"Whats happened?" she asked gently.
Sean stared at her wondering where to begin. She pushed her chair away from the desk and stared down at her lap. The tears that fell felt like old friends.
"I met a woman, Ellen. I fell in love with her. Then she left."
"Drew?"
Sean nodded, raising one trembling hand to wipe the moisture from her face.
Sighing, she tried a tremulous smile. "I never would have believed this could happen to me. I was so sure that that kind of passion just wasnt for me. Love, I thought, would be a quiet friendship, a comforting companionship. I never dreamed it would consume me the way this hasdevouring me from the inside out. I cant believe shes goneand that shes taken every shred of my composed, orderly life with her. Every cell in my body misses her."
"Why did she leave?"
"I wish I knewgod, how I wish I knew. Theres somethingsomething that shes hiding, something that keeps her away from everyone, even when shes sleeping. We made lovewe were closer than I imagined possible, and then, within hours, she was gone."
Ellen wasnt that surprised. Shed noticed how Drew seemed always at the edges of the life around herholding herself apart. She was amazed that she had allowed Sean to penetrate those defenses even for one night.
"She might come back?"
"I dont know. And, if she does? What then?" Sean said despondently. "She made it pretty clear that she doesnt want me in her life."
Ellen chose her words carefully, not wishing any further pain for her friend. "Do you want to be in her life?"
Sean looked surprised, and alive for the first time that evening. "Yes," she said emphatically. "Yes, I want us in each others lives. She awakened something in me that no one, no one, has ever even come close to. She did it with her spirit, with the strength of her wantin
g, and caring, and with her need. Im thirty-five years old and I felt like I took my first full breath the night she touched me."
Ellen believed her. She knew it would take a powerful combination of strength and vulnerability to reach into Seans heart, and Drew Clark seemed nothing if not those things.
"I hope she comes back, Sean. I really do."
"God, so do I," Sean whispered.
CHAPTER TEN
It took five weeks for Sean to return to the dojang . It was more than just the knowledge that she would miss Drew so much more there. She couldnt find her own inner balance, the composure she needed to focus. Her heart was too weary to face the challenges. She just couldnt.
Finally, she had cried herself out. She began to reassemble the order of her days, and, although her soul ached, her strong will reasserted itself.
When she stood at the door and bowed to Master Cho and Sabum Roma, some part of her came home.
"Good evening, Master Cho, Sabum Roma," she said softly.
Janet Cho smiled. "Ah, Sean is back, yes?"
Sean smiled too. "Yes, maam."
Her teacher watched her carefully that night, looking for the signs of Seans heart. What she saw was a new depth of communion between body and spiritSean had looked inside herself and found greater self-knowledge and self-acceptance.
Janet thought of another woman who fought fiercely. A skillful fighter, selfless and brave. Her friend had a warriors soul, and Master Cho would trust her with her life, but her friend lacked the inner harmony that might save her own life if tested. Because Drew Clark did not recognize that her greatest enemy lay within her own heart. It had been said that the greatest warriors did not fear death, and thus never hesitated in battle. Master Cho feared that for Drew, death might be all too welcome a foe.
"Sean, you will spar with Gail."
Sean nodded, pulling on her head gear. She tapped her leather gloves gently to settle them and faced her partner.
"Black belt rulesBow. Begin!"
Sean fought with control and precision, using her long legs and quick hands to advantage. Again and again she slipped a hand past Gails guard to make light contact with Gail's chest or ribs. Sean took care with her punches, keeping the contact tolerable; but she took each opportunity to score.
Gail responded by raising her own level of fighting, extending herself with double kicks powered by her strong legs, blocking crisply and following with combination punches that scored on Sean's torso and head.
When Master Cho called time, both women were exhausted.
"Now," Master Cho stated triumphantly, "you fight as you would need to fight on the streetswith your mind and your body as one. Remember this fightremember the stillness of your thoughts, the calmness of your body. This is what you must have to win."
Sean and Gail bowed to one another, knowing they had fought each other as well as their own demons, and each had emerged a victor.
"Thank you, Sean," Gail said.
"Thank you, Gail", Sean answered quietly.
~
The lights in the office were burning when Sean pulled into the carport. Ellen was working late again. She had been there well into the evening every night for weeks. On impulse, Sean took the stone path down to the office.
"Hey," she said as she let herself into the small room. It was stuffy despite the cool autumn nights.
Ellen looked up from her reading. "Hi, Sean. So you made it back to class."
Sean nodded, settling one hip on the corner of the crowded desk. "It was time to go back. It helped a lot."
"Im glad," Ellen said sincerely. She started to say more, then stopped herself. She and Sean, by unspoken agreement, had not discussed Ellens personal life after that one morning three months ago.
"What?" Sean probed.
"I was wondering how Susans doing," Ellen said softly.
Sean blew out a long breath. "Shes in therapy"
"Susans in therapy?" Ellen asked in surprise.
"Twice a week for the last two months."
"My god, I cant believe it!"
"Losing you really shook her, Ellen. This may be the only good thing to come out of the whole mess." Sean spoke more harshly than she had intended, but she felt every ounce of her sisters pain.
"Maybe," Ellen said. She continued softly, "Im not seeing Gail any longer."
Seans surprise was evident. "What happened?"
Ellen laughed without smiling. "I discovered that lust wasnt all its cracked up to be. Its hard to live on sex alone. I was lonely."
"Susan is lonely too," Sean said gently.
"It sounds like shell be fine," Ellen said sadly.
"Oh, come off it, Ellen!" Sean exploded, shocking Ellen with her intensity. "Susan is miserable! She loves youshes never stopped loving you! Shes in therapy, and Im damn glad she is, because shes trying to understand how she lost you. But you have some part in this, too. Susan is an open book, for gods sake. You know how hard it was for her when our parents split up. She was terrified that would happen to you two, so she kept one foot in the only safe place she had."
"Right!" Ellen said heatedly. "Right here with you!"
Sean looked shocked. She bit back a retort, trying to calm down. She forced herself to look at the life she and her twin had made for themselves. From their first breaths they had been together. Even the distance in miles during Seans marriage had not severed their deep emotional connection. They could finish each others sentences from across the room. And for the last five years, they had built a safe haven for each othermore than a home, an emotional sanctuary as well. Ellen and Susan had only been together a year before Sean had moved home to live with Susan. She wondered now if her returning had made it too easy for Susan to keep Ellen at a distance.
"I never realized" Sean began.
"I know," Ellen interrupted, "and I was too insecure to make an issue of it. I took the easy way out, too, Sean. I didnt want to bring up the hard stuff. I just kept hoping it would all work out. So, I settled for less and less until I turned to someone who obviously wanted me." She snorted in self-deprecation. "At least, she wanted my body!"
"Oh, Ellenyoud think we would have done better, all of us."
"Why?" Ellen said, a touch of her old humor returning. "Because we can help others step back from their lives and find new solutions? You think that makes us experts on our own lives? We all have blind spots when it comes to ourselves."
"You, Susan and I are a family, Ellen," Sean said vehemently. "We need to work this out." She stopped and studied Ellen. "That is, if you still love her."
"I do, Sean. With all of me. But how can I expect her to forgive me for what Ive put her throughand what about trust? Ive ruined it all, havent I?" she said despairingly.
"You cant ruin love, Ellen. You can test it and try it, and you can hurt those who love youjust as they can hurt you. But you cant ruin it. Stop tormenting yourself."
"What do you think I should do?"
Sean laughed. "Theres this antiquated thing we therapists call talking! Maybe you and Susan should try it."
"What a novel idea," Ellen rejoined, feeling hopeful for the first time in months.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Sean was later than usual getting to class because she had spent an hour on the phone with a patient in crisis. By the time she was satisfied that the woman could wait until the morning to see her, she had barely enough time to gather her gear and navigate the rush hour traffic into the city.
As she tied her uniform and dug in her bag for her belt, Master Cho approached saying, "You will teach class tonight, Sean."
Sean knew that Master Cho expected her to teach as a requirement for her black belt, but she had hoped for more time to prepare! She looked up, startled, then answered smartly, "Yes, maam!"
"Good, good. Ah, I see we are all here. You can bow the class in whenever you are ready."
Sean followed her teachers gaze, and the breath stopped in her chest. Drew Clark stood at the door. Sean could only stare, un
willing to believe her eyes.
"There is a black belt waiting, Sean," Master Cho chided gently.
Somehow, Sean found her voice. "Face the door!"
Immediately, the entire class turned as one to face Drew.
" Chariot !" The snap of hands to sides was like thunder in her ears.
" Kung ye !"
She bowed as did everyone in the class, but her eyes never left Drews face. Drew returned the bow, her eyes on Sean.
On wooden legs Sean moved to the front of the room. Master Cho stood to her left, Master Clark stood to her right, with Sabum Roma on her far side. Sean was acutely aware of the tall, militarily erect form beside her. The air seemed charged, electrified.
"Line up," she called, and the class fell in to formation behind them. The black belts and Sean turned to face the golden tiger emblem on the front wall.
The senior students began the litany Sean had repeated countless times.
" Tenets of Tae Kwon Do"
"Integrity."
"Perseverance."
Sean knew she was repeating each word, but she couldnt hear her own voice over the blood rushing in her head. When at last the bowing-in ceremony was over, Master Cho took her seat at the front corner of the room, her favorite spot to watch each student.
Chris Roma and Drew Clark joined the class at the head of the first row of students.
Seans mind was completely blank. She put her hands behind her back to hide the trembling. She called the class to attention and twelve bodies moved, fists outstretched, legs spread, eyes on her. All she could see was Drew, as she had remembered her as she lay struggling for sleep, so many lonely nights. Blond hair silvered with grey, piercing blue eyes, tense, waiting, controlled body. Exquisite in her power.
The passing seconds seemed to Sean like hours, and then Drew nodded imperceptibly, her face softening for a brief instant. Sean found her voice.
"Left front stance," she called.
As the class stepped sharply, breath exploding from them, Sean caught the spirit of the women before her. Women willing to do more than they ever dreamed physically possible, willing to return night after night, bruised, aching, tired, to begin again, pushing themselves a little further along their own paths, for their own private reasons. They were united in their willingness to pay with their sweat and their humility for the chance to do battle with life on their own terms.
Radclyffe - Love's Tender Warriors (The Golden Tiger) Page 7
