Sean asked them to display their skills to their teacher, unconsciously guiding them from one technique to the next in a choreographed pattern of flashing hands and arching legs.
Thirty minutes later, when she called a halt, their bodies were soaked with sweat, their chests heaving. But they looked at her with faces filled with pride. They knew they had done well. She bowed to them, a symbol of her deep respect for their effort. Then she turned to Master Cho and bowed to her. Janet Cho stood and returned her bow.
"Well done, Sean," she said simply.
"Line up for forms," their teacher said. "Master Clark, you have Sean, please."
Drew bowed. "Yes, Master Cho."
She and Sean moved to the front corner of the room.
"Your highest form, please, Sean," came the rich voice Sean remembered.
"Yes, maam," she replied with effort.
Sean faced Drew, searching desperately for composure. She steepled her hands in front of her face and took a deep breath. She willed herself to listen to her breath flowing easily, unbroken, from deep in her body, and slowly, her mind and body fused.
Drew watched the transformation with the same amazement she had felt the first night she saw Sean, six months before. The subtle melding of mind, body and spirit produced a nearly visible aura of calm focus. She had never seen anyone except Janet Cho do that, and Janet Cho was a master. This was a strength, an inner harmony that Sean brought with her to this dojang . She had honed it here perhaps, but it sprang from the essence of her. This was the power that had drawn Drew to her, and the beauty she had missed each day she had been gone.
When she finished, Sean closed her eyes for a moment, then bowed to Drew.
Drew approached slowly, choosing her words carefully. "The spirit of the form is flawless, Sean, and something some of us never master. The timing of your back sidekick, however, needs work. Watch meYou have just blocked a face punch from your first attacker, Seanhere" she punctuated her words with a knife hand block that could easily break an arm. "Butyou hear a sound behind you. There is another manhe has a knife. Nowyou pivot, your leg up, your knee high, and as you come around, he is there, but your leg extends fully at the moment you complete your turn. Not after your turn, because by then, he is upon you."
As she spoke, she moved, agile and fluid, coiled like an animal, and then her leg drove outward and upward, easily high enough to crush a mans skull.
"Do you understand? It is not enough to be able to perform each movement in the form. There must be purpose to the movementssometimes a deadly purpose. Because the stakes might be your life."
Each word seared Seans brain with the passion behind it. She understood in that instant that Drew was completely and totally committed to preventing whatever had happened to her from happening to another woman. And Sean had no doubt that Drew spoke from experience. She had just relived part of it before Seans eyes, whether she was aware of it or not.
"I understand, maam."
"Do you?" Drew asked quietly.
"Yes," Sean answered firmly.
Sean gathered her gear hesitantly, not sure what to do. She wanted to speak to Drew, but decorum, as well as personal uncertainty, held her back. Was Drew back to stay? Did she even want to tell Sean?
Finally, yielding to her need, ignoring her qualms, she approached Drew, who had removed her jacket and was folding it neatly in preparation for stowing it away.
"Are you back to stay?" she asked quietly.
Drew did not look up. "Yes."
"Im glad," she replied. She began to turn away.
Drew straightened suddenly. "SeanI" When she met Seans eyes, she hesitated. Struggling, she finally said less than she wanted to. "Theres an Aikido demonstration in Bryn Mawr Saturday morning. Would you like to go?"
"Yes," Sean answered immediately.
"Ill pick you up? It will be easier, driving?"
"Yes," Sean responded, refusing to think about anything except what her heart demanded.
~
Sean found Susan in the TV room, engrossed in a Batman rerun. She sagged into a chair and opened a coke. By unspoken agreement, they had kept no alcohol in the house for the last three months.
"Good class?" Susan asked, her eyes riveted to the screen.
"Uh-huh," Sean said, curiously unanimated. "Drews back."
Susan sat up suddenly. "Did you talk to her?"
"Not much. She asked me to go to a martial arts exhibition this weekend."
"Like a date?" Susan exclaimed.
Sean shrugged. "I have no idea. Im completely in the dark."
"How do you feel?"
"Numb. I cant believe shes hereIm afraid there wont be anything between us."
"Are you still in love with her?"
"My heart nearly stopped beating when she walked in the room. I wanted to throw myself at her. Yes, Im still in love with her."
"Are you sure you should see her? Youve been hurting so much, Sean."
"I have to know where we stand, Suse. I just cant go on without knowing."
"I wish I could make everything all right for you, Sean. I cant stand seeing you so sad."
Sean smiled. "Right back at you, sister."
Susan smiled a small tremulous smile. "Ellen called."
"How was that?" Sean asked carefully.
"I cried when I heard her voice."
"Oh, Suse," Sean cried.
"She wants to talk. I said yes."
"Good," Sean said in relief. "I know she loves you, Suse. Give each other a chance."
"Im so scared."
Sean hugged her close. "I know, Sweetie, I know," she murmured, thinking they both had good reason to be frightened.
CHAPTER TWELVE
Susan pulled the door open and came face to face with Drew, who was just reaching for the bell. Susan jumped in surprise, giving a little yelp.
"Sorry," Drew said, feeling awkward. She wondered how much Sean had shared with her sister about their brief encounter, and then realized probably all of it. That might account for the hard stare Susan was directing at her now.
Despite their exact physical resemblance, Drew had no difficulty telling Susan and Sean apart, even at a distance. Where Sean radiated stillness and deep quietude, the air around Susan was charged. Right now she looked like a thundercloud.
"Ive come to pick Sean up. Could you tell her?"
"Why dont you come in?" Susan said, trying to be gracious.
"Thanks," Drew said. Susan continued to stare at her. Drew accepted the searching gaze, waiting.
"Damn you, Drew," Susan finally whispered. "You hurt her so much."
Drew paled and looked down briefly. When she raised her eyes, Susan saw the pain that was a reflection of the hurt in her sisters eyes. She was shocked by it. She accepted that whatever had forced Drew away, it hadnt been a lack of feeling for her sister.
Susan shook her head. "Women are such fools," she muttered, including herself in the statement. She touched Drews arm lightly. "Shes in the kitchen. Why dont you go on back."
Aware of the gesture of truce in Susans touch, Drew sighed, "Thanks, Susan."
Sean heard footsteps approaching and assumed Susan had forgotten something again. She finished pouring her coffee, calling, "What did you lose this time?"
She turned to find Drew leaning against the doorway, watching her. Sean just stared helplessly. Drew looked lean and taut in her tight black jeans and denim shirt. The sight of her alone was enough to bring heat to Seans depths, but it was the look of undisguised desire in Drews face that threatened to overpower her. She leaned back on trembling knees against the counter.
"Im not going to be able to stand up if you keep looking at me like that," Sean whispered.
With a groan almost a growl, Drew moved, and Sean was in her arms. Drews mouth was on hers, possessing her; Drews hands roamed her body, claiming her. Sean cleaved to her, pulling her closer. When Drew at last released her, Sean was gasping. She dropped her head against Drews shoulder.
"I couldnt stay away," Drew rasped, kissing the wisps of dark curls on Seans brow. "You were all I could think aboutI had to see you again."
Sean heard the desperation in Drews voice, and she knew that Drew had not returned without reservations. There was resistance, too, in the arms that held her, and for now, Sean accepted it. Drew was here, it was a start.
Sean tightened her hold, relishing the tight fit of Drews thigh between hers, the curve of Drews breasts against her, the answering surge of hips. Drew rewarded her with another deep groan, bringing her hands to Seans face. Tenderly she cupped Seans jaw, turning her face for her kiss.
"How important is this Aikido thing?" Sean murmured, running her hands over Drews shoulders toward her breasts.
"Pretty important," Drew muttered, her lips moving downward to claim a nipple through the fabric of Seans T-shirt. She bit gently before attempting to continue. "Im one of the guest demonstrators." She insinuated one hand between their bodies, pressing Seans abdomen, moving lower.
Sean grasped the hand that explored her, nearly sobbing. "Stop! Anymore and I wont be able to stopplease Drew"
Drew moaned, her face buried in Seans hair. "I want you so much," she whispered.
Sean took a deep breath, struggling to clear her head and control her raging senses. "Damn you, Drew! Your timing is terrible!" she laughed shakily.
"I know. Ill make it up to you," Drew said, meaning more than just this interruption.
Sean shook her head. "Nothing to make up for, Drew. Some things just cant be helpedso we learn to live with them. We have time."
Drew searched the face softened by passion and felt welcomed. There were promises there, promises she was afraid to hearor to make. She had been managing moment to moment for so long that the concept of a future was foreign to her. But when she looked at Sean a tiny flicker of hope stirred. With reluctant effort she pulled back from Sean, saying, "Wed better goIm not sure how long I can keep from touching you."
Sean took her hand and led them resolutely through the house. She knew if she looked back at Drew they would not leave that day.
~
Sean sat mesmerized on the benches facing the exhibition area, marveling at the fluid grace of the Aikidoka. The circular flowing defensive blocks and large forceful throws reminded her of dance. And watching Drew after the long weeks of absence was intoxicating. She had forgotten how imposing she was, tiger-like in her fierceness and strength, agile and quick in her movements. Sean was a little disappointed when the program ended. She so infrequently had the chance to really watch Drew, and she had been enjoying herself.
Drew folded her hakama, the long black over-trousers that symbolized a high-ranking Aikidoist, and left the mat area to join Sean.
"It was beautiful," Sean pronounced as Drew sat down. "I really enjoyed it."
Drew smiled, "Im glad." She gazed away for a moment, then questioned hesitantly, "Its six oclock. Would you like to have dinner somewhere?"
Sean pressed a little closer to Drew. "Im not too good at hiding my feelings, Drew. What I want is to be in bed with you. Is that a possibility?"
"Are you sure?"
"Its the only thing Im absolutely sure of right now. Im dying from wanting you."
"Lets go," Drew growled, grabbing her bag and keys.
Neither said a word on the ride to Seans house, but the pounding of their hearts seemed audible.
~
Drew lay still, staring at the shadows flickering on the ceiling. Sean was lying against her, one leg thrown up to cover Drews own. A long graceful arm lay curled across Drews chest, holding her possessively. Drew tried not to think about what she was doing. When she thought about the rightness of her actions, she feared she was cheating Sean. Her immediate reaction was to flee. When she allowed herself to feel her need for the woman who lay beside her, she panicked. Never had she wanted this to happennever, never again. And, yet, here she was, because she had let her senses rule hershe ached, and she sought comfort; she desired, and she sought release; she cared, and she sought expression. Was it fair? No. Selfish? Yes. Madness? Most definitely. And yet here she was, and for now, at least, she could not bring herself to leave.
She shifted slowly, not wanting to awaken Sean. Her movement brought a slight protest from Sean, and the arm around her tightened.
"Youre not leaving are you?" came the sleepy voice.
"Its late," Drew murmured, pressing her lips to Seans forehead.
"So? Do you have an appointment?"
"I" Drew hesitated, reluctant.
"Drew," Sean said quietly, fully awake now. "I want you to stayI want you to be here in the morning. If you need to leave, its okay. Ill just miss you."
Drew turned so that the length of their bodies touched. "You make things so easyand so difficult."
Sean insinuated her leg between Drews, thrilling to the warmth of her touch. "How so?" Sean asked languidly. She began rocking her hips against Drews, sliding her leg back and forth with each stroke.
"Oh," Drew gasped, pulling Seans hips more firmly against her. "Because you" Her voice trailed off as Sean slid a hand between them, reaching for the moisture between Drews legs.
"Because what?" Sean murmured, fingers lightly teasing.
"Youoh"
"What?"
"Iah, yesthere"
"I what? Tell me!" Sean insisted, her strokes escalating.
"Cant" Drew gasped, "Im gonna"
"Oh, are you?" Sean breathed against her lips, her fingers dancing rapidly, "Are you now?"
"Yes!" Drew cried, arching her back, groaning with each pulsation.
Sean held the gasping woman in her arms, smiling with satisfaction.
~
It was just light when Drew slipped out of bed, pulled her clothes on, and made her way down to the kitchen. She found a pot of coffee on the burner and helped herself. She wandered out to the terrace, halting in the open doorway when she saw the figure seated on the low stone wall.
Ellen looked over her shoulder and beckoned to Drew.
"Come on out. I could use some company with my guilt. How about you?"
Drew grimaced. "How did you know?" she asked, joining her atop the wall.
Ellen shrugged. "Its my job to know these things, remember? We shrinks are, oh, so perceptive."
Drew thought she understood the bitter undertones in Ellens voice. She sipped the strong coffee, welcoming the warmth in the chill November air.
"Weve given them hell, havent we?" Ellen remarked.
"Yes," Drew conceded. "Hows Susan?"
Ellen picked at the seam of her jeans aimlessly. "Shes deeply hurt, and frightened, and struggling to make sense of something I should have known better than to do. Shes picking up the pieces after a three-week binge that Im the cause of. The hardest part of it all is that shes forgiven me."
"Yes," Drew acknowledged. "That makes you loathe yourself, doesnt it?"
Ellen nodded. "This is where Im supposed to say we should forgive ourselves, or love ourselves, or some such palaver. But, frankly, I cant do it. Id rather someone take me out and beat me."
Drew laughed. "Maybe we can just sit here and beat each other."
"Okay," Ellen said. "You go first."
Drew was silent for a long moment, and then she asked quietly, "Whyd you do it, Ellen? Susan so obviously worships you."
"Ouch," Ellen said. "Youre good at this." She took a deep breath, searching for honesty. "I was angry with her because she wouldnt live with me and start a familyand leave Sean. I was jealous, and I felt unappreciated; and I didnt have the guts to say so. I did it because Im a cowardI didnt put up a fight, I just ran to a convenient pair of arms."
Ellen tossed the dregs of her coffee onto the ground. She looked at Drew and began, "Okaymy turn.
"Sean is the kind of woman who holds the deepest part of herself back from everyoneexcept Susan," Ellen continued. "For her to open herself to you is something close to a miracle. How could you abandon her, leaving her to believe you didnt
care for her? She could bleed to death from a wound like that."
Drew stared at Ellen, absorbing her words the way she would absorb a blow, letting the pain of the truth pierce her. "Point and match to you."
Ellen clearly saw the grief in Drews face, heard the sorrow in her voice. She had no doubt that Drew was an expert at swallowing her pain while it destroyed her inside.
"Not good enough, Drew. You have to say why."
"I cant."
"Tryif not for yourself, then for Sean."
Drew closed her eyes, her hands clenched at her sides. "I need her," she whispered harshly, "and I dont want to." That was all she could manage.
"There is always need in love, Drew. Its human to need," Ellen said gently.
"Not like I need her," Drew said. "It feels like shes my sanity. The world makes sense when Im with her."
"Ah," Ellen said, "and Susan make me feel more alive than Ive ever felt without her. So, we need them to make life worth livingso, were closet weaklings. Let me share a secret with you, Drew. Loving women like us, with our flaws and our broken places, is what they need. Were all here to help each other heal."
Tears shimmered on Drews golden lashes and finally fell, years in the waiting. Ellen reached for her instinctively, cradling her in the shelter of her arms.
"Oh, Drew," she murmured, "its not as selfish as you think. Youve unlocked Seans heartsomething no one has ever been able to do. Thats a tremendous gift."
Drew heard the words, not quite ready to believe them. Nevertheless, for the first time in eight years, she allowed someone to comfort her.
Sean stood at the kitchen window, watching Ellen hold the woman she loved as she cried. She couldnt think of anyone she trusted more to take care of her lovers tender heart.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Sean was finishing client notes when Ellen ended with her last patient of the day.
"Theres beer in the office fridge," Sean called when she heard Ellen in the small kitchenette that adjoined their offices.
Radclyffe - Love's Tender Warriors (The Golden Tiger) Page 8
