"Thank god," Ellen muttered as she entered carrying two bottles.
"Thanks," Sean said gratefully. She studied Ellen, who sagged into the chair facing the small desk. "How are you doing?"
"Better now that Susan and I are back together. Weve still got a long way to go, but at least were talking about things we should have talked about years ago."
"Im glad. Ive missed Susans smile. Its back."
"How about you?"
Sean sighed and ran a hand absently through her hair. "I fluctuate between ecstasy and terror. Drew is here, but not totally. Weve been spending a lot of time together, and I love it. Shes so strong and serious, and tender, and"
"Wonderful?" Ellen laughed.
"Yes, wonderful"
"But?"
"Something is keeping her from really being with meexcept when we make love. Thats the only time she really gives herself to me. She lets me touch more than her body, then she lets me touch all of her. Then shes beautiful, open and accepting of me, and so fragile. Any other time, theres a wall upI cant quite reach her."
Ellen was not surprised. She had seen how deeply Drew buried her pain.
"Its going to take time, Sean. If anyone has the patience to stick with her, you do."
Sean nodded. "Im trying. But shes in so much pain, I can hardly bear it. Every night she sleeps with me she has horrible dreams. She wakes up screaming, soaked with sweat, disoriented for minutes. It tears my heart out."
"Sounds like post-traumatic stress," Ellen thought out loud.
Sean stared at her. "Oh god, youre right. Im so frightened by it, I couldnt even see it."
"Whatever it is, being with you will bring it to the surface. Shes probably going to get worse before she can tell you."
"Oh, Ellen, I hope Im strong enough to help."
Ellen smiled. "I cant think of anyone better."
~
"You will stay after class to talk, Drew, yes?" Janet Cho said as she passed Drew, who was jamming her sparring gear into her bag. It was not a question that left room for negotiation.
"Yes, maam," Drew said through clenched teeth. She didnt look at Sean, whom she knew was watching her.
Sean, in turn, carefully folded her belt and uniform, feeling hurt and bewildered. Drew was so clearly angry with her, and she didnt understand why. In fact, there had been an undercurrent of anger present for weeks. Drew had become short-tempered in class, with everyone, but especially her. She didnt feel as if she could do anything right.
Tonight it had culminated in Drew stopping a sparring match between Chris and Sean after only a few minutes. Chris was compact and quick, and she had managed to hit Sean twice in the face within the matter of a minute.
Still, Sean had felt she was holding her own when Drew stopped them, criticizing just about everything Sean had done. Sean was unprepared for the intensity of Drews angerit hurt.
She followed the rest of the students to the door, bowed, and left quietly, not caring that she had not said good-bye to Drew. It was the first time in weeks that they hadnt stopped after class to have a bite to eat, often spending the night together. She didnt want to see Drew right now, not until her feelings had settled a little.
"Sean has six months before her black belt test, Drew," Janet said as she sat down near Drew.
"This isnt about a belt," Drew said darkly.
"Then what? You are pushing her very hard. Why? She is a good student, she works hard."
"You saw her with Chris tonight! Shes already had her nose broken, and Chris scores two hits right to her chin!"
"Yes, I saw. So she has more to learn. She will learn it."
"She needs to learn to protect herself!" Drew exclaimed. "Discipline, self-control, self-knowledge, personal growththats all very well, and I support it. But she must learn to protect herself!"
"Why now?"
"What!?"
"Why now, must she learn in a few weeks what you know it takes years to learn? What is the sudden hurry?"
Drew looked exasperated. "You dont have the luxury of spending a lifetime learning self-defense any longer. Anything could happenany time!"
Janet Cho nodded. "So now you make Sean miserable because tomorrow someone may hurt her?"
"Yes, if I have to," Drew stated vehemently.
"Maybe if you werent in love with her, you would not make her so unhappy."
Drew stepped back as if struck. "What did you say?"
"You love heryou are afraid something will happen to heryou ask more of her than she is capable of right nowyou make her unhappy."
Drews jaw clenched and she averted her gaze. At length she said, "I only want her to be safe."
"Of course. So do ISean and all of them. But now it is so much more important, yes. Because you think you could lose her."
Drew stifled a moan, turning her back to her old friend. The images were there, flicking through her mindbloody, empty pleading eyes.
"I cant stand it," she whispered, her voice cracking. "If something happens to her, I just wont be able to live, Janet. Not again."
The small woman took the trembling hand of her friend and pulled her down to the chair beside her.
"Drew, my friend," Janet said softly, "we cannot live in fear that something tomorrow may hurt us, or someone we love. You will not have time to love her if you worry always that she may go. Love her that much more because she is here today."
Drew bent her head, willing her tears to stop. "Im trying, Janet. But I am so afraid," she said brokenly.
"It is much that you have let love come to you again. Now be patient with yourself."
~
Sean heard Susan answer the door, and she didnt look up when she heard footsteps in the hallway outside the library where she sat in semi-darkness. The logs burned low in the fireplace, but she didnt feel the chill. She stared unblinking at the small flames.
"It could use some more wood," the deep voice that never failed to stir her heart remarked.
She turned, surprised. "Drew!"
Drew shed her jacket and bent to feed the fire several more logs. She turned to kneel by Seans chair, taking both Seans hands in hers.
"Im sorry, Sean," she said softly, searching the drawn and unhappy face before her. "Ive been worried, and Ive made you pay for it. It was selfish of me and Im sorry."
"Worried? Worried about what?" Sean asked, always alert to the subtle meanings behind the phrases.
Drew shrugged and looked away. "Since weve been seeing each other, Ive gotten anxiousyou knowI dont want you to get hurt. Ive been pushing you too hardreally, youre doing fine."
"Drew," Sean said carefully, "why are you worried that I might get hurt?"
Drew looked away, a muscle in her face twitching. "People do get hurt, Sean," she said in a low voice.
Sean slid her hands around Drews shoulders, holding her.
"Does this have something to do with your dreams?" She tightened her hold as she spoke, and, as she expected, Drew flinched and tried to draw away.
"No."
"Drew, look at me!" She waited until the troubled blue eyes met hers. "I love you, Drew. Absolutelyno reservations. Whatever you think you cant tell me is keeping us apart more certainly than anything you could ever say. Dont do this to us, Drew. Please!"
Drew dropped her gaze. "There is nothing I can say, Sean."
Sean sighed and pulled her close. She couldnt stop loving her no matter how deep her secrets lay buried, no matter how much they both must suffer.
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The Christmas holidays came and went, and Sean was as happy as she had ever been. Susan and Ellen were firmly together again, and it felt like she had her family back. And Drew was therestrong, tender passionate Drew. Still, part of Sean mourned for the silence that remained between them. There were times, more frequently in recent weeks, when Drew seemed to shed the shroud of pain that surrounded her; and Sean caught glimpses of a younger, happier woman, quick to laugh, engaging and enthusiastic. Then a word, or more o
ften the nightmares, would extinguish the light in her eyes, robbing her of her joy. Even in her despair, her love for Sean was obviousin the way her eyes followed her as she moved about a room, in the way she tilted her head to catch each word from Seans lips, in the way she possessed her in the night and gave her body to Sean without reservation. Sean did not press her. She knew it would do no good. But still, her heart ached even in the midst of fulfillment.
That night was the culmination of one of those January days that were common to Philadelphiathe temperature soared to near seventy degrees, and the evening remained mild. With the desire to absorb the last of the premature weather, Sean suggested they walk the few blocks to their favorite restaurant after class. She and Drew both wore only light jackets and jeans as they left the dojang .
"Youll be ready to test soon, Sean," Drew remarked, taking a deep breath of the barely cool night air.
"I know. Im nervous."
Drew looked surprised. "Why? Youre doing great."
Sean laughed. "I feel good about my progressbut, its such a big stepand youll be there when I test."
Drew frowned. "Do I make you nervous?"
"You make me a lot of things, Drew Clarkand nervous is not one of them," she said suggestively. "But I want you to be proud of me."
She looked over at Drew when Drew failed to answer. She found her staring past her, across the nearly empty street. It was an area of storefront businesses interspersed with residential enclaves, and the street was nearly deserted. Three young men were crossing the street towards them.
Swiftly, Drew stepped between Sean and the rapidly approaching youths, pushing Sean roughly behind her. Sean was so startled she didnt protest.
The group closed about them, and Sean saw for the first time that two of the boys carried baseball bats. The largest of the group swung the bat casually back and forth very close to Drews knees. Drew stood silently, but Sean could sense her coiled tension.
"Lets move into that alley behind you," he said as his two companions stepped closer on each side. "Hurry up, before somebody gets hurt," he snarled.
Drew backed up a step toward the mouth of the narrow dark alley that ran between two brick buildings.
"Stay behind me," she ordered Sean as she took another step back.
One of the boys laughed. "Ill take the pretty one in the back there. You two can have the bitch in front."
Drew waited for the first one to move, imprinting the positions of the three of them in her mind. When the one in the middle swung the bat at her head, she stepped toward him, chopping at his forearm with the knife edge of her hand. The blow from the bat grazed her shoulder but did no real damage. He dropped it with a howl as the nerve in his arm went dead where she had struck him. She kicked back and to the side as the one on her left rushed her, catching him in the groin. He went down gagging, but the third man managed to crack his bat down on her thigh, pitching her to the ground.
She rolled back into her fall and got to her feet in time to see Sean step forward with a side kick that hit her assailant in the chest. By then, all three of them were on their feet again and slowly circling.
"Damn it, Sean," Drew shouted, "get back!" She was slowed by the hematoma forming in her thigh muscle, but she ignored the pain. She knew, however, she couldnt continue to fight them one at a time. With superhuman effort, she jumped forward on her injured leg and kicked once, twicetaking two of them down. She swung toward the third and punched, doubling him over. She raised her uninjured knee into his face. He fell heavily to the ground. The other two had dropped away into the shadows. Drew was blind to everything except the rage that poured through her, wrenching an eerie howl from her depths. She knelt beside the coughing figure and pulled his head back by his hair. She raised her hand to deliver the blow she hadnt been able to deliver eight years ago, the blow that would finally set her free. She gathered her breath to strike.
"Drew!" Sean screamed, grabbing the raised arm with both hands. "Drew, no! Youll kill him!"
Seans voice dimly penetrated her awareness, and she loosened her hold on his hair. He rolled to one side, and suddenly one of the others grabbed him and pulled him away. The three of them stumbled away into the shadows.
Drews breath tore from her with a soul-wrenching scream, and she doubled over, her clenched hands to her face. Her body shook uncontrollably as she rocked forward.
"No, no, nono!" she uttered brokenly.
Sean went to her knees, pulling Drew against her. "Drew, its Sean. Its Seanwere all right. Its over. DrewDrew!"
Drew collapsed against her, sobbing. Somehow, Sean managed to get her to her feet and out of the alley to the street. There was no sign of their attackers. Mercifully, her car was not far, and she half carried, half dragged Drew to it. She put her in the back seat and covered her as best she could with her jacket.
She thanked god when she slammed to a halt before her home that Susans car was in the car port. Leaving the motor running, she raced to the front door, ringing the bell frantically. She was on her way back to the car when the door opened, revealing Susans figure outlined in the archway.
"Susanhelp me! Its Drew," she shouted.
For the only time in her life, Susan remained calm in a crisisprobably because it was clear that her sister was nearly hysterical. Together they got Drew inside onto the couch in the library. She was still shaking and her eyes were frighteningly unfocused.
"Help me get her clothes offher leg is hurt," Sean said, already pulling at her jeans.
"Let me," Susan said, "youre trembling. Are you hurt?"
"No."
"Go the hall closettop shelf. Theres a bottle of brandy there," Susan said as she gently tugged Drews pant legs down.
"Whathow come"
"Secret stash from my last fall from grace. Go on, Sean!"
Drew protested feebly as Susan lifted her legs to the couch. Her left thigh was swollen to twice its size and beginning to bruise.
"Now get some ice," Susan instructed as Sean handed her a glass of brandy. She looked up at Seans pale face and said firmly, "Go on, SeanIll take care of her."
She slipped an arm behind Drews shoulder and raised her up. "Drink this, Drew. Thats itgood, a little more nowgood."
They wrapped an ice pack around her leg and covered her with several blankets. Sean eased onto the couch and gently settled Drews head onto her lap. She tenderly brushed the blond locks back from her forehead.
"Honey?" she asked quietly, "Are you okay?"
Drew turned her face into Seans body, murmuring, "Im so cold, Sean."
Sean rubbed her back through the blankets. She looked to her sister.
"Im okay, Susan. Go to bed."
"Are you sure?"
"Ill call you if we need you."
Susan leaned to kiss Sean on the forehead. "I love you, Sean."
Sean gave her a tremulous smile. "Thanks," she whispered. She cradled her lover against her, closing her eyes. Drews agonized scream echoed in her mind, and she vowed in the still room that Drew would carry this torment alone no more.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
It was nearly light when Sean stumbled into the kitchen, exhaustion stamped on her features. Ellen and Susan were there, hunched over the worn oak table, a pot of coffee growing cold beside them.
Sean slumped into a chair and accepted the cup Susan placed in her hands.
"When did you get here?" she asked hoarsely of Ellen.
"About two. Susan called. You were both out when I looked in. What in gods name happened?" Ellen asked worriedly.
"We were attacked. God, it all happened so fast. We were just a few blocks from the school. Suddenly three men" Sean halted and passed a trembling hand before her eyes. "If I had been alone"
Susan gripped her hand. "Its okay, Hon, youre safe."
"Yes," Sean repeated, "Im safe." She took a deep breath and continued. "I was so startled, I wasnt sure what was happening. DrewI dont know how to tell youshe was possessedthey kept coming at her and she kept fighti
ng back, even when they"
She closed her eyes. After a moment, her voice low, she murmured, "Even when they hurt her. She never stopped."
"Thank god she was there," Ellen said. She looked at Sean, who sat dazed and staring.
"What else happened, Sean?" Ellen asked. Susan looked at her, confused.
"Drew was going to kill one of themI could see it in her face, in the way her body tensed. If I hadnt stopped her, she would have killed him."
"Did she frighten you?"
"No!" Sean exclaimed, remembering her terror and the seemingly overpowering presence of the men. "But Im frightened for her. When they finally ran away, she seemed to crumble. She was nearly incoherent when I brought her home. It was more than the attack."
"Whos Dara?" Susan asked quietly.
"Dara?" Sean echoed.
"Yesshe kept mumbling something about Dara while I was getting her undressed. She didnt seem to know where she was"
Seans face set with determination. "I dont knowbut its time I found out."
"Now may not be the best time," Ellen began.
"Its way past time," Sean said flatly.
~
Drew groaned and tried to sit up. Sean was at her side instantly.
"Take it easy, Drew," she said gently, supporting her shoulder so she could sit up. She pulled a hassock over and rested Drews leg on it. "Youve taken quite a beating."
"Are you all right? They didnt hurt you, did they, Sean?" Drew demanded anxiously.
"No. They hurt you!"
"Thank god," Drew whispered, closing her eyes. "I was so afraid"
"Im fine, love."
Drew smiled wanly. "That was quite a side-kick you landed. Very good."
Sean was relieved that Drew remembered, and that she seemed like her old self. She took a deep breath.
"Drew, who is Dara?"
Drew jumped at the name and looked away.
"Its time to talk, Drew," Sean said, unwilling to accept the silence.
"Dara," Drew said finally, "is the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with."
Once the words were out, there was no turning back. "We met in our senior year of high schoolDara had transferred from another school. She was everything I wasntpopular, outgoing, creativeshe was an artist. She had been painting since she was ninea child prodigy. I was a rebel, an out lesbian with a chip on my shoulderrough, uncultured, angry.
Radclyffe - Love's Tender Warriors (The Golden Tiger) Page 9
