“It was a figure of speech.” Even though I couldn’t see his face, I kind of had a feeling Desmond was rolling his eyes at me. “Find a place where no one will see you and be tempted to pay any attention to your dog.”
“Oh! I can do that,” I said, wishing I had a welding mask to hide behind for being kind of dense.
“Thank you, Jem,” he said in a voice that was a little nicer. “What you are doing is important. Without you, I can’t say for sure what we’d have done. Thanks.”
“Um… you’re welcome,” I stammered, surprised at the compliment. I kind of got the impression that normally everyone just kind of puts up with me and my consistently positive attitude. Or didn't put up with it in some cases.
Nai was obvious and never held back her annoyance, but that was to be expected. She's the evil opposite of me, so of course she's going to hate me. Well, maybe hate was a strong word, but she definitely got annoyed with me. But Nai I could deal with. What was harder was that I kind of got the impression Seth and Desmond also had little patience to spare when it came to my attitude. Especially lately. The two of them had been on edge for so long that I worried even smiling in their general vicinity would annoy them.
Yikes! I tried to derail that line of thought because I really didn't need any negativity at that moment. In the grand scheme of things, the fact that I was getting mildly upset about this was good. It meant that I was starting to balance, which meant that I’d be my own soul sooner rather than later. Except that was the problem. If I started to balance before we could deal with the dragon, there wouldn’t be a sooner or a later. No, this was definitely not the right time to be thinking about balance. As if to remind me exactly how bad of a time it was, I felt the tug inside my brain again. Great! Now that I gave it a peek at my own insecurities, I had the dragon doubling down on its efforts to turn me on myself.
“Not quite yet,” I said, pushing back with my mind. “A little bit of self-doubt and balance doesn’t make me evil just yet.”
But then, where did good and evil fit in with right and wrong?
Killing the Discordant was the right thing to do, but it certainly wasn’t a good thing to do. Nai isn’t good and she definitely enjoys killing the Discordant, but even she isn’t some sort of homicidal maniac who kills indiscriminately. She hates everyone, but I've yet to see her even hurt someone. Even people she didn’t like and believe me, there were a couple of times at school when retaliation might have even been justified. If anything, it seems to me that it wasn’t that we were good and evil, but more like I'm the nice one and Nai's mean. If Nai was pure evil, then why would she even care about the Discordant? I mean, what is truly good anyway?
It's not me, that's for sure. If I was good, I'd know that killing the Discordant was the right thing to do, no questions asked. I'd have no empathy for the dragon, regardless of the fact that it looks like some sort of a cute animal. If I was good, I would have asked Desmond how to destroy it rather than how to hide it. Right? Or did the fact that I had empathy for the creature mean that I was evil because I put the fate of the dragon ahead of the fate of others just because it was cute?
And what of the Dragon itself? Chaos was neither good nor evil, yet the whole foundation of our fight for Order is because we believe Order is right. Yet, we say that Chaos is the bad guys. Just because we're the good guys doesn't make us right. Or was it that we were right, but not good?
Ugh. Just thinking about it was starting to make me go cross-eyed. Especially since my logic just ended up spiraling right back around to this whole business about how Nai and I are absolute good and evil. The whole concept is a bunch of crap! There is no such thing as absolute good and absolute evil. Nor does absolute right and wrong exist. Therefore, someone screwed up royally. Nai and I can't possibly exist. Yet we do exist, which means...
I don't know what it means, but I know that I was getting a massive headache that had nothing to do with the dragon. Even the dragon was looking at me like I was crazy. It was no longer trying to invade my mind. In fact, it seemed to be trying to get out of my mind altogether, which was not good. The last thing I needed was for the complete destruction of Blackbird to come about because I was having a moment of insecurity.
Heh. It was almost funny. Seth said my soul wasn’t full of conflict, but if this wasn’t conflict, then what was it? I sure felt conflicted. The dragon must have felt it too because all of the sudden, its eyes got really wide and it started whimpering like it wanted to get away. I would have felt sorry for it, but my own head felt like it was going to explode and I did not want to find out if that was possible.
"Here boy! Hey! Calm down. Who's a good dragon doggie?"
Even speaking was difficult because of the massive pressure buildup in my brain. I fell, bashing my knees into the cobblestones of the alley, but I barely felt anything thanks to the pounding in my head. I seriously felt like I was turning in on myself… like I was some sort of human black hole. At least the dragon calmed down and the tug of war in my head lessened.
Or not…
There was a huge explosion, but I knew somehow that I was the only one who heard or felt it because as soon as it happened, the pressure in my head disappeared. At the same time, the dragon’s presence fled my mind. In fact, the dragon’s entire influence was gone, as if it had been vaporized and carried away along with all that had been crushing my skull from the inside. When I opened my eyes, I was surprised to see it still sitting there. Well, sort of.
Physically, the same dog-like creature stared at me with its tongue lolling to the side, but I could tell something was different. It felt like an actual dog. The tugging in my brain was gone. In its place there was a low, slightly unpleasant hum that wasn’t coming from the creature, but rather, seemed to be coming from inside my own mind. That in itself was weird enough, but there was definitely something else going on. Something felt…
Incomplete.
No, that wasn’t right either. Insubstantial? Closer, but still not right. It was kind of like when I had that out of body experience right after I died and I went to meet my mom. I could feel myself, but at the same time, it felt like my body belonged to someone else. At least, that is, until I realized I was laying in who-knows-what in the alley behind the Five Penny and I tried to sit up. All of the sudden, all of the molecules that made up me decided to catch on fire all at once.
“Stay down, kid. Believe me, you’ll feel a lot better if you don’t move right away.”
“Eller?” I looked up, but all I saw was a fuzzy shadow before I was attacked by the dog-dragon’s slimy tongue. The humming in my head was getting worse. “I thought you were staying at Myrna’s.”
“I’d have liked to, but I figured you were going to need my help.”
“With the dragon?” I asked, more than a little confused as I pushed the creature off of me.
“Nah, you banished the dragon.”
“I did? So why do I feel so…” I really wasn’t sure what I felt.
“Indescribably out of sorts?” Eller suggested.
“Exactly.”
“That’s because you destroyed the dragon by creating a paradox.”
Chapter 5
The Mutual Memory
“Ah, Desmond. I had a feeling I’d be seeing you sooner rather than later.”
The Creator stood towering over the Warrior, dressed in the battle armor of a Celtic god of war.
“If you knew I was coming, then why didn’t you save us both the trip and send reinforcements to Blackbird?”
“Did I not do that?” the Creator asked, arching one eyebrow in question. “I seem to recall sending a Warrior to the area at the first sign of unrest but a few short months ago.”
“Was that supposed to be a joke?” Desmond asked, clearly not amused. The Creator frowned, turning its back on the Warrior.
“I should hope not, Desmond. I was under the impression that I had sent one of the best,” it said, turning back to give him a pointed look. “Flawed, yes, but then
, all of my creations have their flaws. I do admit that I sent this Warrior knowing that there would be conflict. Knowing that there would be more than one soul in need of personal redemption, I did the only thing I could and set the table with the correct pieces. How the game is to be played is out of my hands.”
“Are we even talking about the same thing anymore?” Desmond asked, clearly frustrated now with the vague implications. “I know the reason I was sent to Blackbird had as much to do with my connection to Seth as it did the increase in Discordant activity, but surely you can’t expect one Warrior and a handful of mystics to defeat an entire army of Discordant.”
“I should think that if you open your mind, you will find that what you see as unrelated is indeed intertwined.” Again, the Creator leveled the Warrior with a pointed look that dared defiance. “Were it that I was simply relying on one Warrior and a handful of mystics as you claim, we might have cause for concern. However, I do believe that not even you, Desmond, can be so absolute in your mindset that you are unable to see beyond the tip of your own nose.”
“Oh, we are not doing this again,” Desmond grumbled, more to himself, though he was well aware that the Creator could hear him and its patience was wearing thin.
“Oh, but we are,” it replied with mild amusement. “But alas, we have dallied too long, I’m afraid. Do be on alert,” it cautioned. “I believe you are about to face your biggest hurdle yet.”
With a flash, the Creator was gone and Desmond felt himself being pushed back into the time stream.
* * *
In 300 years, I’d thought I’d seen it all in terms of desperate and seemingly no win situations. Apparently, I was wrong. The scene that was playing out in Blackbird was like nothing I’d ever seen before. Like nothing, for that matter, that I could have envisioned. My only solace was in the fact that the majority of the population were too entrenched in the Cycle and their own petty affairs to have any clue as to what was going on around them. Unfortunately, ignorance did not ensure safety.
Although it pained me to do so, I stayed clear of the turmoil happening downtown. I did my best not to think about the fact that I could not prevent all casualties and instead focused my attention on the mill and the portal itself. Not that I was laboring under the delusion that I could close the damned thing. All I could do was beat back the waves of Discordant as best I could. It was mindless, and very nearly pointless, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t find a certain degree of enjoyment in laying to waste to the creatures who wronged me.
Disgusting, I know, but I’ve never claimed to be a humanitarian. Not that werewolves had anything akin to humanity, but all the same, there was a cold comfort in knowing that the creatures I blamed for Sarah’s death were anything but blameless. Even the most compassionate of souls would have trouble building a case for werewolf sympathy. Yet despite the fact that every slain wolf meant a life spared the agony of a Discordance that only those flea bitten bastards can bring, I took no satisfaction in their demise. And as the body count continued to rise, so did the dark bitterness within my soul.
To give in would be easy. To let manifest the Discord that has always been there, bubbling beneath the façade of Order, would not bring peace, but what was peace when I could have my revenge on all who have wronged me? Not just the Chaotic, but those of Order who would damn me for my actions. Already I felt a swelling in my heart. A euphoria enveloped me. Built upon revenge, yes, but a euphoria nonetheless. I would at last have this pain ripped from my soul.
With a great roar, I threw my head skyward, slashing blindly at my enemies as a sound, indefinable in human terms, echoed its Discordant triumph within my brain. I could do it. I could break my chains and finally be freed of oppression for good. I was so close. All I needed to do was give myself over to that which has always been in me. Was I not a Warrior? And what was a Warrior but a catalyst for destruction? My only regret was that I’d already meted out justice in the form of obliteration upon the soul of the one who caused me so much suffering.
A buzzing, like a hummingbird, light and almost imperceptible against the angry hammer of my heart, distracted me from thoughts of Discordant revenge. I brought my hand to my breast and reached into my pocket. My phone hummed, lighting up the darkness and bringing the shameful pain of reality crushing back down on me as I read the message from Seth.
It was done. The shield was placed.
I looked up, noting now without the blinders of rage that a light violet mist enveloped the whole of Blackbird, giving an impenetrable measure of protection to all, even those of us who moments before might have been willing to throw their very souls away on the empty promise of false redemption.
I slipped quickly out of the Cycle and traveled north, across the river and into downtown, pausing only for a brief moment to gather my thoughts and face head on the very real fact that I had been but moments away from allowing Chaos to have me. And here I had thought Nai weak when she returned from her fight, bloody and angered, to challenge me for my title. That a child, a soul that had yet to develop its own light, a soul that was born of a Discordant anomaly, had more control when forced to face its own darkness than I could muster with 300 years of experience was telling.
“Ah, but three hundred years is a long time for darkness and self-doubt to fester, Desmond. The so-called child was acting only upon impulse. Either way, the end result would have been much the same were it not, you have to admit, for my erasure snare, no?”
“Arkady?”
I nearly tripped and fell into a pile of garbage bags as the rotund little inventor stepped out of the shadows. From the looks of it, he’d come directly from his lab. He still wore some type of combination magnifying glass/spotlight contraption around his forehead that made him look like a mad scientist with more emphasis on mad than scientist.
“What are you doing over here? And how did you read my thoughts?”
“I’m fine, thank you. It’s a pleasure to see you too, Desmond, my boy.”
“Consider me properly admonished,” I said dryly. “I’d say good to see you, but considering that the last time you came to visit me within the Cycle was during the Centralia disaster and before that, New York, I’m holding back the pleasantries at the moment.”
“I’ll give you that,” he acknowledged with a nod. The inventor had on several occasions discussed his reluctance to return to the Cycle, claiming that every trip back was a painful reminder of events from his last lifetime that he wished to forget. I did not pry into his personal memories and he never asked about mine, though now I had to wonder if that was out of respect or if he simply didn’t have a need to ask.
“This situation is as dire as the last and yes, my being here is for the same reason.” He patted his overcoat, specifically the area over the hidden breast pocket that likely housed a trans-cyclical portal. “I have full access to my staff and you’ll still have your requests fulfilled on demand, but it seems the Creator thinks there are others who might benefit from instant access to the innovations of Laboratory Q’s brilliant minds.”
As before, the reasoning was sound. The witches and Harry would be coming down to join in the battle now that the shield was cast. Arkady had already enhanced many of Betty’s potions, but having him on hand to assist on the fly was probably not a bad idea. Especially since he had the ability to travel outside the Cycle and could instantly move from one to the other if needed. Still, there was something about his demeanor that made me wonder if there wasn’t something more, but if there was, he wasn’t telling.
“Okay then, that covers why you’re here,” I said with a pointed look, which Arkady returned with a quiet chuckle.
“I’ve always been able to read your intent, Desmond. As a facilitator, I cannot allow room for interpretation. All of my inventions require precision and that level of precision requires access to your true desires,” he replied a little too casually, given that he was talking about poking around in my head. “Oh, don’t worry,” he added, noting my h
orrified expression. “I’ve long since learned to filter anything personal. There’s only so much I need to know about my agents.”
“I suppose that’s as close to an apology as I’m going to get?”
“Would you have me apologize for all the times you simply asked for a blade without telling me what creature you planned to use it against?”
“Point taken,” I said with a shake of the head. “I’ll be mindful of my intentions from now on.”
“If only it was that easy,” Arkady chuckled. “You may be one of my favorites, Warrior, but I assure you, yours is a noggin I do not wish to go spelunking in.”
I said nothing, knowing a barb when I heard it.
“Here,” Arkady said, handing over what appeared to be a welder’s mask, but I knew better than to think it was that simple.
“For the dragon?” I asked
“Da, for the dragon,” he nodded. “As well as any angels that might find their way in, though I would not worry too much about the latter making an appearance.”
I shuddered at the mere mention of angels, but luckily, Arkady was right. Angels and dragons were something of a conflict of interest for Chaos and had a tendency to cancel each other out in a way that caused more damage than was advantageous to the Discordant’s side.
“You will still need to keep from looking directly into its eyes, but your mind should be protected,” he warned.
“Right. I’ve every faith in Jem, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to look in on him from time to time,” I agreed. “After all,” I added with an ominous sigh of my own. “I didn’t think I’d be affected either. At least Jem’s got the protection of his split soul.”
“Ah, Desmond, you’ll find we aren’t all very different from one another in the end.”
Both his tone of voice and the way he was looking at me made me think there was more to Arkady’s statement than a generic platitude about equality. Again, I didn’t expect to get an explanation and none was forthcoming.
Rise of the Discordant: The Complete Five Book Series Page 74
