Beside Your Heart

by Mary Whitney

  A snippy remark was on the tip of my tongue. There were so many great responses to that—like, “Consider the company you keep” or “You probably don’t spend too much time talking to Meredith anyway.” Dropping a golden opportunity, I decided to be nice, though it came out a little curt. “I keep up with the news. My parents are both into politics.”

  “Really? What do they do?”

  “My dad’s a lawyer, and my mom is a law librarian.”

  “What’s a law librarian?”

  “She’s a librarian in a law library.” When he frowned at me for making fun of him, I smiled. “Sorry. That was mean. If she wasn’t one, I wouldn’t know what they were either—they’re very specialized. She has a law degree plus a master’s in library science and works at the county law library.”

  “Do you want to study law, then?”

  “I feel like it’s inevitable. I want to major in English, but my dad says no one is going to pay me to read books unless they’re law books.” I nodded at his drawings. “What about you? You must like politics.”

  “I do.” He nodded but then hardened his expression. “Not because of my parents, though. They don’t talk about politics much because they don’t really agree. My father is a Tory, and my mother is for Labor.”

  “That sounds like it would make for some great family debates.”

  “There’s not a lot of that in my family. Like most Brits, we avoid conflict.” He looked down at his drawings. “I like political cartoons, but these are just doodles.”

  “They look great to me.” I smiled and shook my head. “I certainly couldn’t draw John Major.”

  Turning in his seat fully toward me, his eyes brightened. “I bet you could with some practice.”

  There was a hint of flirt in his voice, and I held his stare, basking in it. I was experiencing physical and intellectual lust. I shook my head. “I have no skills other than reading and writing. It’s very limiting.”

  “I doubt that. Your cartoons would be funny. You’re very clever.”

  The way he said “clever” with his accent was so charming. I swore that my brain and body were melting as we held each other’s eyes. What was I going to say to that? If I were so clever, I would be staying away from him. I bit my tongue and took note of that thought.

  “Thanks,” I said in a soft voice before I turned away.

  My eyes darted to Lisa. She lowered her head so Adam wouldn’t see and in silent accusation mouthed to me, You are blushing.

  I gulped hard, guilty as charged.

  Placing her hand on her heart, she smiled like I was a hopeless case. She was right.

  That Friday, everyone went to Tom’s again to watch a movie—Blood Simple, which was sure to put me asleep. I was prone to taking a nap in the middle of a film anyway, but one with blood in the title made it a sure thing. I was just curling up on the sofa when I heard Tom in the kitchen welcoming Adam.

  Of course, Rachel asked the same question that was on my mind. “Why aren’t you at the game, Adam?”

  “Meredith and I have come to an agreement about American football.” He sounded uncomfortable.

  As he walked into the room, I watched him spy the empty recliner. When he saw me, though, he walked straight toward the sofa. “Do you mind if I watch the film with you?”

  “Uh. Of course not,” I said scooting over. “I’m very bad company, though. I’m guaranteed to fall asleep.”

  “I don’t mind,” he said and took a seat next to me.

  As Tom put on the video, Adam stretched out, resting his feet on the coffee table just as casual as could be. I, on the other hand, was freaking out. I was very aware of what was his space, what was mine, and, most importantly, the very little space in between.

  Normally, my eyes would be droopy fifteen minutes into a movie. Not this time. I was so nervous with him next to me that I was hyper-alert in my purgatory. I barely moved, but I couldn’t have told anyone the plot of the movie because I concentrated so hard on not fidgeting.

  Soon I heard him whisper in my ear, “When do you fall asleep?”

  Adam whispering in my ear? This was hell again—not just purgatory. I realized that I needed to escape the situation. “I need some water.”

  At once, I got up and went into the kitchen. As I found a glass and then filled it with water, I heard a whimpering outside the door. Tom’s St. Bernard, Helga, sat on the deck outside the kitchen, looking for attention. I loved dogs, so I decided to join her.

  Relaxing on the back stairs with Helga was a good idea. It was a beautiful night, and Helga was stress-free company. When the door creaked, I turned around to see who was disturbing my peace just as Adam said, “Oh, I see you’re with a friend out here.”

  I smiled at his playful expression. “Have you and Helga met?”

  “Yes, Helga and I are mates.” He sat on the steps with Helga between us. Thank God. “So, you like dogs?”

  “Yeah, a lot.” I scratched Helga’s ears. “Our dog, Mario, died two years ago. We had him since he was a puppy. He was a beautiful, big mutt.”

  “Why didn’t you get another?”

  “Well, Mario was really Lauren’s dog. After we had to put him down, my dad offered to get her another, but she said…” I looked aside just for a second to center myself. It was tough, but I could finish it. “Lauren said she couldn’t just replace Mario. He was a member of the family. She needed some time, and she would let us know when she was ready.” Ugh. Why was I talking with him about Lauren again?

  Adam nodded, waiting a few seconds before saying, “I would feel the same way.”

  “Do you have pets?” I asked in an effort to move the focus away from me.

  “Sadly, no. My sister, Sylvia, is allergic to dogs.”

  “I haven’t really met her. She’s a year younger, right?”

  “She’s very shy as well. The move has been hard on her. She’s having a difficult time making friends.”

  “You should bring her along. She seems cool.” I then thought aloud, “You both must miss the rest of your family and friends at home.”

  “I do, although we keep in touch. Actually, I have a cousin traveling in the States at the moment. He’s coming to visit soon.”

  “That will be nice.”

  “Yes, but I miss my mates and my old girlfriend a bit.”

  “But you’ve moved on.” Leave it to me to rudely state the obvious. It sounded catty. Then I remembered the display he and Meredith put on every day in front of my locker, and I didn’t feel badly at all.

  “Ah, yes.” He laughed but with a curious look at me. “But my friends here…they’re nothing alike, though…Kate…Kate is more like you.”

  He might as well have punched me in the gut. That’s why he wanted to be around me. I reminded him of his old girlfriend—that was it. I looked straight at him and was taken aback to see him smiling at me. His dark eyes looked happy.

  Raising his right hand toward me, he continued, “But you’re more…you’re more…” Abruptly, he pulled his hand back like he had accidentally touched something hot. “You’re still quite different.”

  I looked away. What a ringing endorsement. I faked a laugh. “The same, but different.”

  He was smiling again. “Different in a good way.”

  Not different enough, I thought as an image of Meredith sashaying around in her cheerleader skirt passed through my mind. I’d had enough of him, so I got up. “I should go see the rest of the movie so I know how it ends.”

  He nodded and followed me back into the living room. Sitting next to him this time was a little easier. Now I knew where I stood in his world: I was fine company in private, away from his other crowd, but in public he wanted Meredith. Except that he wanted Meredith in private, too, just in a very different way from me. I felt like shit.

  Of course, Adam didn’t know I had figured things out, so he seemed flummoxed at my reply when he offered again to take me home.

  “Thanks, but Lisa can take me.”

/>   “I really don’t live far from you.” His brow knitted together.

  Oh, God. I was such a sucker for this guy. I looked down. “Okay, then.” As soon as I said it, I kicked myself.

  When I went over and told Lisa that I didn’t need a ride, she pursed her lips in concern. “Fine,” she said. “I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  As we got in his car, he kept the conversation going by asking me questions about what kinds of movies I liked. I absentmindedly rattled off some answers in the five minutes it took to get home. I wanted to flee and had my hand on the car door handle again. “Thanks very much for the ride. Have a good night.”

  He smiled. “I’ll walk you up.”

  The words flew out of my mouth without my thinking of just how badly they sounded. “C’mon. It’s not like this is a date.”

  At once, he stopped smiling. He looked away, took a breath, and quickly said, “No. No, it’s not. But, I’ll still see you to the door.”

  I was already closing my passenger door as he came to my side of his car. We walked in silence all the way to my porch, where I at last spoke up to say, “Thanks again for the door-to-door service.”

  I couldn’t tell if he was looking at me or at the ivy growing up the porch column. When he did make eye contact, it was brief. “Er. My pleasure. Have a good night.”

  As he turned around and started back to his car, I felt the punch in my stomach again.

  The next day, I already had plans with Rachel and Lisa for dinner at Juanita’s, a Mexican restaurant that never carded anyone. The margaritas were so strong that we called them the Truth Serum. Lisa drove because she wanted to get information out of Rachel, too.

  Lisa was also being a designated driver for me, though. All my friends were being really cool about my new prohibition on driving with anyone who had touched alcohol. That was why I walked so much. Whenever we drank, I couldn’t get home otherwise. Admittedly, I did it more out of respect for Mom than my own safety. Two dead daughters would send her over the edge.

  Lisa actually waited until both Rachel and I already had one drink before she began the inquisition. She interrogated Rachel first, probably because she wanted corroborating evidence.

  “So what’s the deal? What does Tom say about Adam?”

  Rachel was finishing a sip of her margarita. “Not much. Adam is dating Meredith. She is really into him, and he sort of likes her. God knows why. Well, I take that back. We know why.”

  “I think I could have told you all of that,” Lisa said with a slight sneer. “What else do you know?”

  “I don’t think Tom knows more, or at least he’s not telling me anything else.” Seeming a little pained, Rachel looked at me. “Nicki, I think Adam actually does like you.” I silently shrugged her revelation off, and she continued, “In fact, I think he really likes you, but frankly, I think he likes screwing Meredith, too.”

  A nauseating image came to mind, and my words were bitter. “More. You mean he likes screwing Meredith more.”

  “Oh, Nicki, I don’t want you anywhere near him,” Lisa pled.

  “Don’t say that,” said Rachel. “He’s Tom’s best friend. Adam is a good guy. He’s just a stupid guy, too.” She turned to me with some hope in her voice. “Tell me what happened last night when you talked outside and when he took you home.”

  “Nothing,” I sighed. “Absolutely nothing that would change the situation you just described. Everything that did happen just reinforces it. Apparently, I remind him of his old girlfriend in England.”

  Rachel’s mouth twisted like she’d tasted something sour. “Eww. He said that? What a dunce.”

  “I don’t think he’s stupid at all,” Lisa said, crossing her arms. “I think he sees you as some sort of emotional and intellectual replacement for an ex while he fucks Meredith.”

  My voice got really tight. “I think it’s even worse than that. I think I’m the emotional replacement that he doesn’t want to be seen with—at least not when he can be seen with Meredith.”

  “Noooo,” moaned Rachel. “That’s not true. What guy wouldn’t want to be seen with you? You’re a babe. And I really don’t think that Adam would ever do that to anyone. But forget about him. You deserve more, especially right now.”

  “Nicki, he does not deserve you.” Lisa said it like she was issuing a verdict, and turning to Rachel, she issued another. “And I don’t agree with you. If he really cared about Nicki at all, he wouldn’t be acting like this. That’s a terrible thing to do to anyone, but with what she’s been through this year, she especially shouldn’t be put in that position.”

  I focused on my margarita glass in silence as I traced the stem of it with my finger. After a moment, I said in a choked voice, “But really, I shouldn’t be dating anyone right now. I’m messed up.” The alcohol had gotten to me, and I wiped a tear coming out of my eye.

  “It’s okay.” Lisa gave me a hug. “Like Rachel said, forget about him. There are plenty of others out there.”

  As always, Rachel knew the best thing to do was make me laugh, which she did. “Maybe you’re right. You shouldn’t be dating right now, but I totally think you should be getting laid. Let’s find that guy!”

  Chapter 6

  WALKING UP TO MY LOCKER ON MONDAY MORNING, I found that nothing had changed. There was Meredith giggling away while Adam tugged on her cheerleader sweater.

  Screw it, I thought. I’m not coming back here today until I have to. I took the books that I absolutely needed for the day and left the rest. If a teacher called on me, I would lie and just say I’d forgotten the book at home.

  Despite my lack of books, I was the perfect student during the day. If I wasn’t taking notes for a class, I was working on homework assignments. And Rachel must have said something to Tom, because he was making more of an effort than usual to make me laugh at lunch, and Adam’s name never came up.

  I timed it so that I walked into English late—that way I wouldn’t talk with him. But when Mrs. Anderson gave me a peeved look, I realized I was a little too tardy. She snipped at me. “Thank you for joining us, Nicki.”

  I skulked to my desk and pulled out my copy of The Scarlet Letter. We were reading it in class, so I kept my eyes on my book. When Mrs. Anderson had asked for volunteers to read to the class their favorite quotes, Lisa’s hand went up immediately.

  I noticed she shot a quick look over my way before saying, “I really like this one regarding Reverend Dimmesdale: ‘No man, for any considerable period, can wear one face to himself, and another to the multitude, without finally getting bewildered as to which may be the true.’ I think it can be applied to so many situations.”

  Mrs. Anderson thanked her, but Lisa wasn’t looking at her. I thought she was staring at me until I realized she was looking past me. I looked to my right and saw she was actually glaring at Adam. He met her gaze, and his brow crumpled.

  Oh, God. I looked down. Lisa meant well, but did I have to be around for it?

  Unfortunately, after school I had to get my physics book out of my locker for a test. I was pretty sure I could do it without having to talk with Adam. But after I shut my locker door and turned around to leave, I heard him say, “Have you started writing your paper yet?”

  “I’ll do it tomorrow night.” I shrugged, hoping that would be the end of it.

  “Procrastinator?”

  “Probably,” I said as I glanced at him, trying not to return his smile but ultimately failing. “It works for me.” It was true. I needed pressure to write.

  “Do you know what you’re going to write on?”

  I wanted to say, Dimmesdale as a pathetic piece of shit. Instead, I said the truth: “Pearl as a sign of feminist hope.”

  “That’s much more cerebral than my theme of Puritanism as a form of government.”

  I felt myself slipping into the downward spiral of crushing on the cute, smart boy. Time to leave. “Better get to work. Bye.”

  “Oh. Okay.” He took a step backward like he should get out of
my way. “Have a good evening.”

  The rest of the week I gave myself no opportunity to talk with Adam. I barely went to my locker, and I came into class as late as I could to avoid any conversation. But out of sight didn’t mean out of mind; it just made me mopey.

  At a party at Ben’s on Friday night, I was feeling so low that I ended up drinking too much. Adam showed up, but I made sure I was never in the same room with him. Knowing he was there, though, made me nervous, and that only added to my alcohol consumption. I hadn’t been that drunk since long before the accident.

  By midnight, I knew I should get to bed. I’d ended up in a long conversation with Ben about Lisa, and I was tired. I politely extricated myself from him to find Rachel and tell her I was walking home. Unfortunately, she was with Tom, who was talking with Adam.

  I gave a quick smile to the guys while tugging on Rachel’s shirt. “I’m out of here,” I whispered.

  Rachel took one look at me and raised her eyebrows. “I think Tom and I should walk you home, Nicki.”

  Rolling my eyes, I couldn’t get an answer out before Adam offered to take me home.

  “Thanks, but I don’t think I can handle being in a car,” I said.

  “I shouldn’t be driving either,” he said.

  Rachel stole a look at me and said, “Tom and I will do it. We could use a walk, too.”

  “It’s okay. I live closer to her,” said Adam.

  I knew that I should say no, that a walk under the stars with Adam was a really, really unhealthy thing to do, especially without all of my wits. But I was just too drunk to not do something that I really wanted to. With no willpower at all, I nodded at Adam. “Okay. I’ll go with you.”

  As I kept my balance heading out of the kitchen, I realized it wasn’t going to be a romantic stroll. By the time we started walking, I already felt really sick—sick from alcohol and sick from risking my heart. We didn’t talk much, which was good because I needed to concentrate on not puking in front of him. We were only a couple of blocks away from my house when I had to stop.