Beside Your Heart

by Mary Whitney

  “Uh, I need to sit down.” Without hearing an answer from him, I plopped down on the curb. I put my head between my legs and concentrated on breathing in and out.

  He snickered and sat down beside me. “It’s okay. It happens to all of us.”

  Seconds later, I felt his hand gently stroking my hair. It felt amazing. No one had touched me in so long, and I so badly wanted him to. But what was he doing, and why was he doing it? It was pure torture. I wanted to turn to face him, but I didn’t know what would happen if I did.

  Instead, I breathed in deeply, lifted my head, and turned away from him. Maybe if I was drunk and didn’t look at him, I could ask the question I had wanted to ask for weeks. Maybe I could get an answer. “Adam, why are you always so nice to me?”

  He stopped touching my hair for a moment but left his hand on my back. “Well, I want to be your friend. I like you, and…I wish you were happier.”

  I still couldn’t look at him. What he’d just said would be confusing even if I weren’t wasted. But because I was drunk, I could at least say the truth. “You’re being too nice.”

  “Really? How so?” he asked with his hand still on my back.

  Why was he dragging this out of me? I swiveled around. “You have a girlfriend. So stop it. Stop being like this with me.”

  He took his hand away and looked down. “I know. I should…Wait.” He looked back up at me. “What do you mean ‘stop it’?”

  I shook my head at him, my eyes burning with tears. He was fucking clueless.

  My raised voice wavered a little. “I can’t. I can’t do it anymore.” Standing up, I looked him in the eye. “Please just leave me alone.” I started to turn around, and my voice broke altogether. “I’ll walk myself the rest of the way.”

  “Please, Nicki. Don’t go. I’m so sorry—”

  I jerked my arm away in a huff, but he placed a hand on my shoulder, which forced me to look at him.

  “Nicki, please,” he said, exhaling as he spoke. “I’ve wanted to be your friend since I moved here. I like being with you…so much. And you…you seem happier when we talk. You actually smile, and when you smile, you’re even more beau—”

  I shrugged his hand off my shoulder, irate. “So I’m a pity project for you? The Make Nicki Happy project?”

  “No! Not at all. Please believe me. I care for you, but I haven’t known if you’re—”

  “Care for me?” Thank God I was drunk, because I could say what I wanted. “Right. I’m sure you think about how you care for me when you’re fucking Meredith.”

  Stunned by that one, his face went blank and then saddened. I was proud of myself. “Now leave me alone,” I said with finality as I walked away.

  This time, he didn’t try again to catch up and talk with me. That was good, because I wasn’t sure if I could deliver lines that well again. When I crawled under the covers, my bed was spinning. I tried to focus on something, but that just brought back all the bad parts of my conversation with Adam and its final result: no more Adam in my life.

  My heart actually ached, and I began to cry like a whimpering baby. He didn’t want me to be sad? How could I possibly not be? I felt destroyed. Mercifully, the alcohol took over, and I passed out.

  I spent the rest of the weekend in my room. I told my mom I wasn’t feeling well. That was partly true, after all, since I did have a hangover. But mostly, I wanted to avoid talking with people because I was full of regret for going psycho on Adam. I meant what I’d said, but I couldn’t believe I’d actually said those things to him. What would he think of me now? What would he say to Tom? When Rachel and Lisa called and asked about my walk home with Adam, I played it down, saying I’d been wasted and didn’t remember much. That was a lie. Much to my dismay, I remembered every minute of it.

  By Monday morning, I’d convinced myself that I could chalk up my behavior to alcohol in case anyone asked. I also had resolved that I wasn’t going to let Adam rule my life. I was going to use my locker and sit in class like he was any other classmate—any other classmate with whom I never talked.

  When I got to my locker and saw no one there, I thought maybe my little tirade had forced him and Meredith to her locker for their morning rendezvous. But when he hadn’t shown up by lunch, I wondered if he’d left his locker for good.

  In English, I averted my eyes from him the whole time, although I knew he was beside me. After class, I assumed I wouldn’t see him at the lockers, so I was startled when I heard him say my name. I looked up, and he pointed off to the side.

  Ann Webster stood a few feet away, hovering around like she wanted to talk. Ann was a very plain girl who kept to herself mostly. We didn’t really know each other that well but were often in classes together. What did she want from me?

  “Nicki, can I talk with you for a minute?”

  “Sure.” I was hoping Adam would leave, but it seemed like he was moving in slow motion.

  “Well, you may know that I’m in Students Against Drunk Driving.”

  Possibly the least popular club at school. Then I realized the conversation was about to go nowhere good. “Yes,” I said warily.

  “Well, we were wondering…only if you were up to it, if you would come to our next meeting. Maybe talk about your experience. I mean, we understand if you can’t, but your story is really important.”

  I stared at her, thinking I must remember that Ann Webster—of all people—meant well, but I still couldn’t believe anyone would ask that of me. I didn’t even want to think about it, let alone talk about it. I did everything not to rehash the accident. Of all the pain and loss I had over Lauren, nothing brought it on more acutely than recalling that night.

  I shook my head. “No, Ann, I can’t do that. I’m sorry.”

  She looked disappointed. “Oh, I totally understand. I just wanted to let you know that we’re here for you.”

  “Um. Thanks.”

  Ann nodded a goodbye and walked away. I took a deep breath and turned around. I had to get out of there fast, but then I heard Adam’s voice say, “You all right, Nicki?”

  When I turned to face him, he was leaning against his locker. His expression was full of concern for me, but there was no way I was going to talk with him about Lauren ever again. That had been my worst mistake. “Don’t worry about it,” I said.

  “Do you want to talk?”

  Shaking my head, I started to turn around. Why was he doing this to me again?

  “Are you sure?”

  Why, oh why, was this happening? I took a deep breath and faced him. “I’m sure that I don’t want to talk to you.”

  “You don’t want to talk to me right now? Or you don’t want to talk to me at all?”

  I knew what I was supposed to say, and somehow I found the resolve to say it. “Does it really matter?”

  “It matters to me.”

  “The answer is both.”

  He seemed to flinch after I spoke, so I sped away for both our sakes.

  I made it home without crying—probably because I was too agitated. When I got inside my room, I sighed; things were really over and done with. I doubted he would speak to me again.

  I curled up on my bed, clutching a pillow to my chest as reality set in. The fact was, I desperately wanted to speak with someone—about the accident, about missing Lauren, or how Mom was doing and Dad was reacting. As I thought back on the recent weeks, those couple of sentences I’d exchanged with Adam about Lauren had been the most I’d said to anyone about her since she’d died.

  And when I thought of my friends and family, I knew there was no one there for me. Lisa and Rachel felt it was their job to shield me from all things painful. Mom—well, she just wouldn’t talk at all. And Dad had been so withdrawn to begin with that he was useless. So although I spent time with some people and kept relatively busy, I was lonely. Adam had been a nice distraction in a way. Now, I had no one.

  Chapter 7

  MY TOTALLY DORKY BIOLOGY TEACHER placed random sayings on poster boards around t
he classroom. Some of them were typical teacher BS, like, “Luck is the meeting of preparation and opportunity.” One saying was different, though, or at least I thought about it differently. Because I watched the clock for most of class, every day I saw the words he had placed underneath it: “Time is passing. Are you?”

  The simple answer was yes. Of course I was passing. My life would never be normal again, but I wasn’t failing in school, for God’s sake. If anything, my grades were better than usual. Staying at home most of the time had that effect.

  But I read another meaning in the question. Time passed, but I really wasn’t doing anything to pass the time. I was never much of a joiner at school anyway, but this year it was easier for me to simply not interact with people. The whole Adam fiasco had taught me that. So I didn’t do any extracurricular stuff. Instead, I stayed in my room, listening to music or talking with Rachel or Lisa, and I slept—a lot. Thankfully, Mom let me be. I overheard her once talking with Grandma Stuart about me. She just said something like, “It’s her way, Mother. You understand.”

  Even on my seventeenth birthday, I made sure it received as little attention as possible, with the exception of margaritas with Lisa and Rachel. Until the accident, I’d been dying for a car when I turned seventeen. Yet after almost dying in a car, it was the last thing I wanted. At my request, Mom gave me a couple of books and a cupcake, and Dad sent me a gift certificate to a local bookstore. I was sure his assistant had arranged it, but in this case, the thought really did count.

  Homecoming came and went. It wasn’t an event for me at all, and I thought Meredith should really thank me she had a date. Speaking of said date, except for English class, I rarely saw Adam at the lockers. I guessed he kept most of his books in Meredith’s locker. He also never showed up with our crew on Friday nights anymore. Either it was a self-imposed exile or Rachel had guessed correctly and told him he was unwelcome.

  In English, I did my best to ignore him, avoiding looking to my right as much as I could. We never talked, which was fine by me. He had become almost a stranger in my world, except for few times where we accidentally looked at one another. Once or twice I thought he might say something to me, but he never did.

  The week after Homecoming, we were finally finishing up The Scarlet Letter in English. One day that week, Mrs. Anderson began passing out To Kill a Mockingbird to get us started on it. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Adam thumbing through the book, and I heard him clear his throat a little before saying, “Nicki, you had said—”

  I looked up at him, stunned, but I then heard Mrs. Anderson say, “Mr. Kincaid, please join the class discussion.” He didn’t talk to me again that day, and the next couple days he wasn’t in school.

  When I saw him on Friday standing at his locker, there was a tall blond guy next to him whom I didn’t know, and his sister Sylvia was standing off to the side, looking a little bored. She was still adorable, though, like a Goth Audrey Hepburn, in a French sailorman’s shirt with black leggings and Doc Martens. Then I saw Meredith was back for the first time in weeks. Great…

  Adam and the blond guy were talking and laughing with Meredith and another cheerleader, Jennifer Mitchell, both decked out in their tiny little uniforms. Rachel had deemed Jennifer “mentally incompetent” a few years ago. She was cute in a way, but I always thought she resembled a pug.

  Another English accent—it wasn’t Adam’s voice—chimed over the noise of the hallway. “Brilliant. We’ll see each other tomorrow, then.”

  That must be the cousin he had mentioned before, I thought. Maybe he was why Adam had been gone. Luckily for me, Meredith and Jennifer walked away seconds before I was going to have to say, “Excuse me,” and draw attention to myself.

  Instead, I was able to walk around the cousin straight to my locker. I heard Adam say, “Hello, Nicki.”

  Still working my combination, I glanced at him. “Hi.” I sort of acknowledged the cousin with a nod. Of course, he also would be hot—sandy blond hair, light blue eyes, and a very angular face. He looked a little older than Adam.

  “Nicki, this is my cousin, David. He’s visiting for the day. And I’m not sure if you’ve ever met my sister, Sylvia.”

  Act normal. I smiled at David and Sylvia. “Hi. Nice to meet you both.”

  Sylvia squeaked out a “Hello,” and her eyes darted to David. He had a sexy grin, which felt like it was directed at me. Considering how chatty he’d been with Jennifer, I could only guess he was an even bigger player than his cousin.

  I felt his eyes on me as he spoke. “It’s good to meet another friend in Texas. I hope they don’t kick me out of your school today.”

  His accent was different than Adam and Sylvia’s—less refined-sounding. Cockney maybe? It was still a nice voice to match the nice face. I decided that it wasn’t David’s fault his cousin was a jerk, so I thought I would be hospitable.

  “Be careful what you wish for,” I said with a smile. “You know, there are a million better places around here to spend a day than at Bellaire High School.”

  David’s eyes twinkled. “I don’t doubt that, but you know, I thought I’d hang with these two and see what a typical day is like for them. Maybe you can fill me in?”

  Damn. He really was cute. His hair was longer and a little scraggly, and his clothes were more rumpled than Adam’s. If he didn’t have an English accent, he would have looked like a surfer boy. Plus he was nice. I wondered if Adam had said anything to him about me. Regardless, I thought I’d be nice back.

  “Well, Adam and I have two classes together. You’re about to be taught economics by the soccer coach. If you’re lucky, you might learn how to balance a checkbook. English is at the end of the day. You’ll hear about Puritans there.”

  “The Puritans? Weren’t they Englishmen who came to America? They were oppressed in England because of their religion.”

  “That’s right.” I held his gaze. He was definitely older and confident, and I was pretty sure that if Rachel saw me talking to him, she would be pissed if I didn’t flirt a little. I leaned against my locker and said, “Religious oppression. Sexual repression. That pretty much sums up the pilgrims.”

  “Sexual repression?” Raising his eyebrows, David smirked. “The last class sounds interesting. Why were the pilgrims repressed when it came to shagging?”

  “A strict moral code leading to scandalous affairs.”

  “Really? I like the last part.”

  I tried to keep my eyes from bugging out. I bet you do, I thought. Time to tone things down, so I said, “The affairs just lead to self-mutilation. Reverend Dimmesdale deals with his by burning a big letter A for adultery into his chest.” I looked over at Adam, who gave a nervous laugh. I guess he didn’t like hearing about Dimmesdale again.

  David turned his body so it was toward me, and he crossed his arms, settling into our conversation. His voice got a little lower and kind of sexy. “That part doesn’t sound like much fun to me. What do you think?”

  Was he flirting with me? I wanted it to continue. “Hmm. I’m not good with pain.” And I knew something about pain.

  “Well, that class sounds sorta painful to me. What do you say we skip it?”

  There was no doubt Adam’s cousin was flirting with me, and my heart began beating at 4/4 time. No one had flirted with me in forever—since my old boyfriend, since my old life had ended. All of a sudden, I felt normal again. I laughed up into David’s gorgeous blue eyes. “Don’t tempt me.”

  Right before David asked me about my other classes, I saw Sylvia tug on Adam’s shirt, leading him a few feet from us. David was talking to me, but I distinctly heard Sylvia’s prim accent both reprimand and beg her brother. “Adam, why are you letting this happen? Do something.”

  I couldn’t hear his reply. I guess Sylvia didn’t think it was appropriate for their visiting older cousin to be hitting on random girls at their school. I couldn’t have cared less. I was engaged in a heavy flirt session with a hot, nice guy who liked me and didn’t mi
nd showing it to the world. When the bell finally rang, I said goodbye to the three of them and quickly skedaddled, knowing I would see them again right after class.

  As I walked away, I clearly heard David ask Adam, “Mate, why ain’t we hanging out with her tomorrow night?” I was on cloud nine.

  Curiously, Adam went to his locker more than usual that day. David and I bantered back and forth in between every class. Adam would laugh a bit at our jokes, but sometimes when I glanced at him, I thought he looked uncomfortable. Meredith made an appearance twice. By the second time, I swore she eyed me suspiciously as I talked to David. I even heard her say something to Adam like, “Well, when the four of us go out tomorrow, blah, blah, blah…” I didn’t care, though, since David just continued talking to me.

  Over the course of the day, I learned that David was nineteen and taking some time off from school. He had just spent six months traveling in Central and South America with a friend. They were headed home, but they each had friends in the United States they wanted to see first. David had spent the last couple days touring Texas with Adam and his family. He was in town only until Sunday, when he would fly to meet his friend in New York before heading back home.

  At lunchtime, Tom announced, “I met Adam’s cousin earlier, and I believe Nicki has a new admirer.”

  Rachel turned to me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I’d wanted to tell her about David, but I didn’t want to do it in front of Tom. Now I was embarrassed. “I wouldn’t call him an admirer.”

  “Tom, how do you know this?” Rachel said, her lips easing into a grin.

  “Adam and I have French together.” Tom leaned back in his seat and smiled. “David was asking Adam questions about Nicki.”

  “And what did Adam say?” Rachel’s voice was coy.

  “Not much. David ended up getting information from me.”

  “Adam’s cousin crushing on Nicki? Oh, that’s beautiful.” She nodded her approval. “And David is beautiful, too. This is good, Nicki.”