Beside Your Heart

by Mary Whitney

  Trudging along, I considered my predicament. I had a month left to deal with him at school. I was just going to have to take one day at a time, knowing that it would soon be over. School would be out, Adam would leave, and I could get on with my life—whatever that would be.

  As expected, the next couple weeks sucked. Rachel and Lisa were on pins and needles around me, acting like I was going to go mental at any moment. It pissed me off a little bit, but I had to admit they had good reason. I was acting pretty freaky, barely talking to them and avoiding Adam by any means necessary.

  I did pretty well at staying away from him, but a few times in English our eyes inadvertently met. He always looked so glum that I quickly looked away. He may have sliced up my heart, but the sight of him unhappy still made me want to brush the hair out of his eyes and give him a hug. It was all very confusing, and I was always glad when that last bell rang, signaling I’d made it through one more day.

  The weekends weren’t any better, though. Since I’d flat out lied to my friends, I was in self-imposed prison in my house. Being under Mom’s twenty-four-hour surveillance was annoying, but it wasn’t like I was itching to go anywhere. In fact, going to parties would be terrifying. Adam might be there, and it crossed my mind that he might even have a date or leave with another girl. Just the thought of it made me want to puke, which then invariably brought on a crying jag.

  Afterward I would lie there, beating myself up. I was pathetic. I couldn’t hate the guy properly, because I was still in love with him, and I couldn’t be with him because he was only going to break my heart again.

  Chapter 28

  AS ANOTHER MONDAY ROLLED AROUND, the school day went along uneventfully as usual until after lunch. Tom told Rachel that he’d walk with me to my class because he needed to talk to a teacher. I thought it strange when he’d said it, and I knew it was a complete sham when he tugged me into an empty doorway.

  “Nicki, I want to talk with you.”

  My eyes widened. Shit. Shit. Shit. I played nonchalant. “What about?”

  “I gotta first tell you that Adam doesn’t know I’m doing this. In fact, if he did, he’d probably clock me.” He rolled his eyes at the thought and smiled. “But what the hell. Somebody’s gotta step in here.”

  “What do you mean?” He was trying to be nice, but it was still uncomfortable.

  “Well, I think I’m the only one who knows the whole story. Am I right about that?”

  I studied his face, trying to understand what was going on. So Adam told him, but he’s figured out that Rachel doesn’t know anything. “I guess you talked with Adam.” I felt humiliated just saying it aloud.

  “I did, but don’t worry; I’m not saying anything to Rachel. That’s between you and her. But Adam did tell me. You know, I’m his only friend here…now.”

  He raised his eyebrows at me, and I wanted to slap him upside the head. There was a very good reason that Adam didn’t have me as a friend anymore. I looked away and said under my breath, “Whatever.”

  “C’mon, Nicki. He fucked up. He’s the first one to say it. He feels horrible…and rightly so, but—”

  “How do you think I feel?”

  “You feel like shit, too!” he said, throwing up his hands. “That’s the problem. You two still like each other.”

  “Yeah,” I said reluctantly. “But so what?”

  “If he was sticking around, I wouldn’t put my nose in this, but he’s not, so I feel like I gotta say something. You two don’t have the time to let things heal on their own, and you’re not giving him a chance. That’s not like you.”

  “He’s leaving. What difference does it make?”

  “I don’t know.” He shrugged and smiled. “I just want my friends to be friends again.”

  No matter how annoying he was, it was always hard to be mad at Tom. It was like being mad at a mischievous toddler. I smiled half-heartedly. “Point taken, Tom. Thanks.”

  I tried not to think about what Tom had said while I was at school because I didn’t want to let anything slip around Adam. When I walked into English, our eyes met for a moment, but I looked away before I could communicate anything to him. I wanted to remain strong.

  That night was a different matter, though. Lying in bed, I thought back to my conversation with Tom. He was right that if Adam stuck around, we would’ve had time to repair things. But we had no such time; time was against us.

  When I remembered how happy we’d been together—or at least how happy I thought we’d been together—I got unbearably depressed. Curling up on my side, I pulled my legs up to my chest, trying to contain myself before I split in two or three or maybe even four. He’d treated me terribly, but I missed him. Sometimes I got so lonely for him that I’d forget I was supposed to be angry. I missed his smile that had seemed like it was only there for me. I missed the way he’d teased me endlessly, and I even missed his inexplicable obsession with soccer.

  Late at night, though, mostly I missed those few times when he’d fallen asleep after we’d had sex. He’d always looked completely content. Silly me had thought his peacefulness had been because he was next to me, because that’s the way I’d felt next to him.

  The week trudged by just like the ones before. When it got to the weekend, Lisa and Rachel invited me to go to see a movie, but I said no. I didn’t want to be trapped with them for hours in case they planned on interrogating me.

  On Saturday night, Mom announced, “Seeing as how you’re not going out tonight, I expect to see you in church tomorrow.”

  “Why?”

  “It’s my birthday, of course. Have you stopped looking at the calendar?”

  I rolled my eyes—like I wasn’t painfully aware of every single day. My mind went on red alert, though, when I remembered there was an outside chance Adam could be there.

  I grasped for an excuse to give Mom, but there was really no way to get out of it. Instead, I said, “Okay,” and started heading for the stairs. “I should find something to wear.”

  Rummaging through my closet, I noticed that my heart rate was going nuts. It didn’t make any sense for me to be anxious about seeing Adam. After all, I saw him every day at school, and yet I did everything in my power to avoid him. Seeing him at church shouldn’t be anything special, and I didn’t even know if I would see him there.

  As I tore through my clothes, I realized what potentially made tomorrow special; it could be an opportunity to be dressed up in front of him. He really had only seen me dressed up once before, and I wanted to look nice. But why? Why do I want to look good for a guy I don’t want?

  On Sunday morning, I sat in church with Lisa and her family while Mom sang in the choir. We sat in the back, so it wasn’t until I walked back from communion that I saw Adam. He sat with his family near the front, and as I turned from the communion railing to walk down the side aisle, I saw Sylvia, who gave me a little wave. It was the first time I’d seen her since they’d gotten back from the funeral. Then I peered to her left, where Adam sat beside her. He gave me such a big smile that it startled me.

  I immediately looked down and blinked as I took in what had happened. When I saw the flounce of my dress, I smiled, too. He must’ve liked my dress. I was wearing another thrift shop special, but even Mom liked it. The vintage dress was dark blue chiffon with tiny Swiss dots, full skirt, cinched at the waist with a matching belt, and covered by a sheer blouse. When I paired it with my navy kitten heels, Rachel called it my “slutty June Cleaver dress.”

  After church, Lisa ran off with her family for brunch, and I was left awkwardly alone, waiting for Mom to get out of her choir robe. I was pretty sure that Adam had left; I didn’t see him around.

  Wasting time, I went to the bathroom in the parish hall, and after I walked out, I jumped when hearing Adam’s voice from out of nowhere.

  “Hi, Nicki.”

  I gaped at him, truly speechless. There he was, leaning up against a wall, looking like he had been lying in wait for me. In navy blue trousers with a
light blue shirt and dark tie, he was way too handsome for a seventeen-year-old boy. As soon as I started to check him out, I felt myself blush because I knew he knew I was eyeing him over.

  I stumbled over my words. “Oh…hi, Adam.”

  After I said his name, his whole face lit up. “It’s good to see you.” Then his voice softened. “You look…beautiful. You always do, but especially today.”

  I was dying. It was just like the time back in the fall when he’d made me swoon while standing around the church coffee hour. I tried to shake it off. “Oh, it’s just…that I’m in a dress. No big deal.”

  “Well, you look gorgeous.”

  Before I responded, I stared at his eyes. Their dark color stood out compared to the light blue shirt, and they seemed to twinkle directly at me. It was enough of a spark between us that I nervously looked away. “I gotta go.”

  “Nicki…” The twinkle was gone when I looked at him again. He was pleading once more. “Don’t go. Can we talk?”

  I didn’t know what to do. I felt every emotion possible—anger, love, agony, joy, you name it—and they were all overwhelming. I shook my head, trying to sort out these feelings so I could pick out the one I should have, but that didn’t work. Instead, I decided to flee, which seemed like the safest response.

  As I trotted down the hallway, I didn’t look back to see what he was doing. I just wanted to get outside for some air. After finding the door to the choir room, I parked myself by it so I could pounce on Mom as soon as she got out.

  Trying to collect myself, I heard Sylvia’s chirpy voice greet me, “Hi, Nicki!”

  I didn’t smile at her until I saw she was alone. Then I grinned. “Hey. How are you?”

  “Oh, okay. Mum has been making us go to church because of my grandfather, you know.”

  “I’m sorry about that.” A wave of shame hit me again. What if Adam had wanted to talk to me about his grandfather?

  “Thanks. Things are fine, really. It’s just not very fun right now with school ending and all. Too many assessments before exams.” She groaned. “And I’m sick of packing.”

  Packing. They would be packing, wouldn’t they? I tried to be cool about it. “You sound busy. You must be excited to be going back home.”

  “I am, but I’ll miss some things about being here.” Her voice got uncharacteristically low. “I’ll miss you.”

  My throat tightened. We weren’t close, but she was such a trippy character, and I’d always liked her banter with Adam. I contemplated never seeing her again.

  I will not cry. I will not cry. I whispered, “I’ll miss you, too.”

  Grabbing my hand, she said, “Adam would kill me for talking to you about this, but I just have to. I don’t know what’s happened between you and him. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s his fault because it’s usually his fault. But please, Nicki, talk to him. He’s been a miserable shithead for weeks, and even more since we were home, since he had that fight with David. He won’t tell me what’s wrong, but he says you won’t visit us or even speak to him now. Can you just talk to him one last time before we go?”

  I’d never expected to be lobbied by Sylvia, and I didn’t know what to make of it. “I don’t know.”

  “Oh hell, do it for me.” She laughed and touched my arm. “Just talk to my git of a brother so that he stops being such an awful arse to be around.”

  Right as she said it, Mom came out the door and straightaway picked up on our odd conversation.

  After she and Sylvia exchanged hellos, Sylvia scooted off, but not before begging one more time, “Please talk to him, Nicki—for me.”

  Mom turned to me. “What does she want you to talk to Adam about?”

  “Nothing.”

  Later that night, I was flipping channels but not watching anything. I wasn’t even paying attention to what I was doing because I was too busy debating myself. Part of me desperately wanted to talk to Adam. I wanted to walk up to him the next day at school, wrap my arms around him, and tell him everything would be okay between us. But there was still a part of me that wanted to walk up to him, kick him in the balls, and tell him I never wanted to see him again. I didn’t know which one would have made me happier.

  Close to bedtime, Mom sat down in the chair beside me and announced, “Nicki, I want to talk to you about something.”

  “Uh huh.” I was suspicious.

  Not liking my response, she took the remote from my hand and hit mute. “It’s serious.”

  “Okay.” I’d been right to be worried.

  “I’ve been watching you. You haven’t given me much to go on, but it’s obvious things between you and Adam ended suddenly and badly.”

  “Yeah?”

  “And from what I can tell, you still love him, and I think he still cares for you. Is that right?”

  “Maybe…”

  “Well, I just wanted to give you something to think about. When your dad and I divorced, there were many things wrong between us. It wasn’t his affair that broke up our marriage.”

  My mouth dropped open. “What are you saying, Mom?”

  “Like I said, I’m not sure. I’m only guessing but just thought you should know that you can’t judge a person or a relationship by one bad act, no matter how bad it is.” She got up from her seat and walked toward the stairs. “Don’t stay up too late.”

  Right then, I vowed never to make another dumb Mom joke. The woman was psychic.

  Chapter 29

  MOM HAD TOLD ME NOT TO STAY UP TOO LATE, so I went to bed, but then I still couldn’t go to sleep. All night long, I ruminated not only on what she’d said but also my conversations with Sylvia and Tom. I never came to a conclusion, but I got so little sleep that evening that I woke up late the next morning.

  When I realized I was literally running to school, I asked myself, Why am I running? Who cares if I’m late?

  I knew the answer: I wanted to see Adam. For the rest of the day, I anxiously prepped myself for talking to him. I decided to do it before English so that we could continue talking after class.

  Wanting to have some element of surprise, I went out of my way to find him before English. I knew where his earlier class was, so I happily walked down the hall toward his physics classroom, looking for him, but when I spotted him, I stopped at once.

  Adam stood there with Emily Riordan, a gorgeous blond cheerleader with way too many teeth. She giggled as she handed him a piece of paper. He smiled, saying, “Thank you very much. I was looking for that.”

  “Not a problem, but I could use a favor in return. Maybe we could study together,” she practically cooed.

  After she said it, Adam glanced aside, and our eyes met. I immediately whipped around and started running down the hall. I hated myself for ever thinking I would talk to him again. Why did I do it? Why did I expose myself like that?

  As I ran I heard Adam call my name repeatedly, and he caught up to me within seconds. When he grabbed my arm and turned me around, I flinched back. I felt like a scared, frantic animal, but I was shocked when I saw how angry he was.

  He blurted out, “That’s it. I’m fucking tired of this bullshit. You’re going to listen to me.”

  As he pulled me toward the school doors, I feebly reminded him, “We have class.”

  “Fuck the fucking class. I want to talk to you.”

  I was speechless as he led me outside the school, and he didn’t stop until we got all the way to the football field. After he let me go, he ran his hand through his hair, like he was trying to calm down and figure out where to start.

  Waiting only a few seconds, he asked impatiently, “Did you honestly think I was flirting with that dim bird?”

  “I don’t know.” The words came out a little sad and ashamed.

  “Well, I wasn’t. She picked up a bit of homework I’d dropped on the floor.” He exhaled hard. “I know that I don’t deserve you to believe me.”

  I bit my lip, trying to figure out how I should react. Things were moving so fast, my mind c
ouldn’t keep up with my feelings. I wanted to throw my arms around him, but I was pretty sure my better judgment wouldn’t approve.

  He jumped on my silence by taking both of my hands in his. “Nicki, I’m not asking for you to forgive me. I’ll never even be able to forgive myself, and that’s not an exaggeration. But, please believe me, I’m truly sorry.”

  Studying his expression, I was sure that even my most judgmental side would say he was contrite. I wanted to let him know I was willing to put it behind us, but I wasn’t sure how to say it. I sounded like I had marbles in my mouth when I finally spoke. “I was walking down the hall, hoping to meet you after your class.”

  “Really?” A smile spread across his face. “What did you want to say?”

  “I don’t know.” I shrugged and smiled back. “I didn’t think that far ahead.”

  “Well, can we spend some time together before I leave?”

  “Why?”

  “Why? Why?” He laughed and shook his head. “It looks like I’ve got to start all over again.”

  Feeling unsteady but wanting to appear strong, I rolled my eyes. He teased me by rolling his own before he continued, “I want to spend time with you because I like your company above anyone else’s…and you’re quirky and you make me laugh.” His voice became serious. “And because you’re the strongest person I know…probably ever will know.”

  I had to look down; I certainly didn’t feel strong with our eyes locked. I felt like a weakling as everything he said turned me into emotional mush.

  “Please,” he continued. “I’m only going to be here a couple more weeks. Let’s be friends.”

  I looked back up into his eyes and nodded. Softly, he brushed his hand across my cheekbone. It felt so intimate I had to lay some ground rules: