Beside Your Heart

by Mary Whitney

  “Things can’t be the same…that way, though.” Having sex with him again would be a bad idea. There was only so much my heart could handle.

  He nodded solemnly; he got it.

  I added my other requirement. “And when you leave, it’s over. We both move on.”

  “I understand.” He sounded regretful. “I have no right to ask otherwise.”

  “And let’s not talk about that again, all right?”

  He must have understood what I meant because he wholeheartedly agreed, “Gladly.”

  Having everything settled with him made me joyful. I squeezed his hands. “Should we go to class now?”

  “No fucking way!” Without warning, he began leading me toward the school parking lot. “I’m living on bloody borrowed time with you. I want to make the most of it. Let’s go to the beach.”

  While Adam drove us to Galveston that afternoon, we made small talk in the car about school and what we might be missing in English. I could just see Lisa smirking at our two empty desks. I’d have some explaining to do in the morning.

  When we got to the coast, we kicked off our shoes and rolled up our jeans. As we walked down to the water, I tried to keep my arms at my side, but he was intent on holding hands. I’d made the decision I wouldn’t have sex with the guy again, which meant that I really shouldn’t kiss him either since one thing always led to another with Adam. Yet he’d already been holding my hand when we’d talked back at school, so that bit of PDA seemed like it could continue. Deep down, I didn’t mind. I was tickled that he still felt something for me.

  I needed to live in reality, though, so I asked, “Sylvia said that you were packing. How’s it going?”

  Adam gave me a double-take. We’d never before talked about the details of his leaving, only the prospect of it. He raised his eyebrows as if to acknowledge that things truly had changed between us. “It’s okay. I’m pretty sure Mum’s got me doing most of the work for the whole bloody family.”

  “Really? Sylvia made it sound like she was doing a lot of it.”

  “Rubbish. I’m the one lugging the fucking boxes everywhere.”

  Then he looked at me with suspicion and asked, “When did you talk to Sylvia?”

  “Yesterday at church.”

  “What did she say?”

  I wrinkled my nose and stifled a giggle. “That you were being a git. I’m not sure what that is, but it sounded bad.”

  “Hmpf. It’s true…I suppose.” He squeezed my hand. “I’m happier now.”

  “I am, too.” I quickly looked out onto the water. If Adam and I were going to be friends these remaining days, I’d need to be stronger. Otherwise, I was going to end up right back where I’d been—goofy in love with a guy who was leaving forever.

  I changed the subject away from feelings and back to facts. “What are you doing when you get back? Do you start school again or do you have a break?”

  “I’m not staying in bloody Cambridge when I get home. I’ll be away all through the summer.”

  A shot of happiness hit me. He would be away from Kate. I had no title to the guy anymore, but I was glad he wouldn’t be immediately going back into her arms. I hid my smile and asked, “Where are you going?”

  “David and I are traveling up to the family’s pile in Scotland. We’ll stay there through August doing up that dive.”

  “David? So things are…okay with you two?”

  “Yeah.” He shrugged. “He did me an incredible favor.”

  I looked back at the water for a brief moment. Favor? Like saving you from that bitch? “Why did he do it?”

  “He was furious with me because he thought I was being a stupid fucking arsehole, which I was.” Adam’s expression became apologetic again. He worked up a smile and added, “David likes you.”

  “David, my hero.” A low laugh escaped me.

  “Well, he’s not always Mr. Chivalrous.” Something didn’t seem to sit well with Adam, because he took his hand away. “He’s no saint either. If you really knew him…if you knew how many girls he juggled at any one time, you’d think differently about him.”

  “It was a joke, Adam.”

  “Sorry. I…well…he’s always…”

  Shaking my head, I let him off the hook. “Why don’t you tell me about this place up in Scotland? What’s it like?”

  “It’s in the Highlands. It’s very remote.”

  “So is it a castle?”

  He hemmed and hawed. “Well, I suppose…technically…really, it’s very run-down. The state National Trust for Scotland owns it now. We’re sort of tenants, if you understand me.”

  “Tenants?” I giggled at the thought of renting a castle. “Like you lease the place like an apartment?”

  “Sort of. The family still has quarters. The rest of it is open to the public.”

  The whole idea of my family ever living in a castle seemed so ridiculously impossible. I had to tease him. “And are there serfs tied to this land?”

  “Not since the eighteenth century,” he said with a smirk. He tugged me to his side and wrapped his arm around me. “Though you’re welcome to become one.”

  Being so close to Adam felt wonderful, and my instinct was to melt into him. I knew that wasn’t the healthiest thing to do, though. Instead I gave his waist a friendly squeeze. “So are you like Prince Charles? I’ve seen pictures of him wearing a kilt when he’s in Scotland. Do you do that?”

  “Fuck no.” He gave me a dismissive look before conceding, “But Dad’s been known to.”

  “Is it true that you don’t wear anything underneath them?” Oops. It was not the appropriate time to learn the truth about kilts.

  He pretended to be shocked. “What? You naughty girl! Do you want to look under my dad’s kilt?”

  “No!” I smiled and nudged him. “I was just wondering.”

  “Oh yeah? Well, maybe I should wear one. You could find out that way.”

  I tried to poke his side for being such a tease, but he began tickling me and pulled me with him onto the sand. I was squirming and giggling and forgetting that I’d not wanted to get that close to him. Before long, he was hovering over me. His face reached mine, and I watched his smiling lips come closer and closer to my mouth. I wanted to kiss him, but my weak heart held me back.

  Brushing the hair out of his eyes, I softened what was going to be a blow to his ego. “No, Adam. I can’t.”

  “Please, Nicki.” He seemed so earnest. “I love you, sweetheart.”

  There. He’d said it. I’d spent the last weeks questioning if that could ever have been true, but now he’d said it just as he always had. And by the looks of him, he meant it. So, very tentatively, I said what I also felt. “I love you, too, but I’m…confused…and if I kiss you I’ll be more confused than I already am.”

  Adam reluctantly nodded before he pulled back a bit and sighed. “I understand. It’s just that I’m happy being close with you again, and I’ve missed you so much.”

  “I’ve missed you, too, but if I kiss you…one thing will lead to another. And I’ll miss you that much more when you leave. I’m sorry.”

  His voice was solemn. “Nicki, I will always miss you.”

  I looked at Adam objectively for a moment. Could this hormonal teenage boy know his heart that well? Was that possible for anyone our age? Could I say the same for myself?

  After what had happened between us over the last few weeks, I doubted it. I wasn’t lying when I said I was confused. Yet there was one thing I knew deep, deep in my heart: I would never forget Adam Kincaid.

  Overwhelmed by the emotional pressure of it all, I lovingly ran my finger down his nose and attempted a joke. “Just so you know, it’s hard for me not to kiss you.”

  “At least that’s mutual.” He smiled and rolled over onto his back in what appeared to be frustration.

  “Is it going to be a long two weeks?” I laughed.

  “Yes, it is.” Looking over his shoulder to me, he touched my hair again. “Actually, no. Not
long enough. Not long enough at all.”

  I drew in a sharp breath. “Oh, Adam…”

  He smiled, again reversing his demeanor almost entirely. “I’m breaking my own rule. We’re supposed to be having fun.” Sitting up, he offered his hand. “Let’s finish this walk, and I’ll take you out for dinner.”

  For the rest of the week, Adam and I crammed in as many good times as we could during the daylight hours. We both came to school early to hang out together, and at the end of the school day, we were either studying for exams at my house or out for a walk in the gorgeous spring weather. Only two things kept us apart: writing our term papers and sleeping.

  Since I’d instituted the no-sex rule, neither one of us brought up the possibility of him hanging out in my room. Keeping our hands to ourselves was challenging enough without being near my bed. Still, I missed being close to him.

  Earlier in the week, Rachel and Lisa had cornered me, demanding to know what had happened between us. I felt awful for being so lousy to them the last few weeks. They really meant well, so I’d told them Adam and I were friends again, but I still didn’t want to talk about it. They hadn’t really liked that answer, but they’d let it slide. When Adam left, I was going to have to be a better friend.

  On Friday night, we planned to go to Tom’s for another Pictionary tournament. When Adam picked me up, he nodded over to his car, where I saw Sylvia waving to me from the backseat.

  “She begged,” he apologized. “Mum would’ve killed me if I said no. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “I like Sylvia. No big deal. It’ll be fun.” Then I thought to myself, After all, it’s not really a date.

  No one blinked twice that Adam and I were together, although they seemed confused as to why Sylvia was with us. And as the evening wore on, it was clear Adam hated having his little sister tagging along. Sylvia was just as good at the game’s drawing and guessing as Adam, which stole some of his spotlight. She’d also interrupt when he and I were figuring out a clue, so he took to rudely turning his back on her so we could talk alone. Eventually, he booted her over to the other team, totally exaggerating by claiming nepotism if she remained on ours. That didn’t help his situation, though, because she made sure her new team had clues to stump him.

  When it came down to the final round of the night with teams tied, I picked out a clue that was obviously written by Sylvia: Mies van der Rohe. The name sounded familiar, but I couldn’t remember who it might be—not an author, I was pretty sure—and I was stumped on how to draw it. Somehow, Adam was able to come up with the name when I drew a van, a deer, and a man in a rowboat.

  As our team cheered for our win, I asked him, “Is he an artist?”

  “Close. An architect.” Then he turned to Sylvia and snarled, “And you’re a little shite.”

  She stuck her tongue out at him.

  By the end of the night, Adam was barely civil to her. On the way back to my house, Sylvia babbled about her opinions on modern architecture. I told Adam that he didn’t have to walk me up, but he insisted. After I told Sylvia goodbye, the way he slammed my car door behind me seemed to warn her to mind her own business.

  As we got to the porch, Adam asked, “So you and your mum are coming over tomorrow, right?”

  Adam’s parents were throwing a party to say farewell to all their friends in Bellaire, and Mom had been invited. She was looking forward to it. Even though she hadn’t said anything directly, she was pretty happy that Adam and I were hanging out again. She must’ve thought it was because of her. I wasn’t about to tell her that she was even partially right.

  “Sure. It’ll be fun, right?”

  “Given the amount of bloody work my mum is making me do for it tomorrow, I hope so.” Then he smiled. “It’ll be fun, if you come.”

  Looking into his happy eyes, I absorbed the atmosphere around me. It was a warm spring night, and I was standing on a doorstep with a handsome boy after a date. The scene just begged to be played out—I was supposed to kiss the guy.

  Instead, I demurred. “I had a good time tonight. Thanks.”

  Raising his hand to stroke my hair, he said, “We make a good team.”

  My heart leapt. It was a corny, romantic thing to say, but it was also true. We did make a good team.

  Standing on my toes, I reached up and gave him a peck that lingered a little longer than I’d intended—so much for my self-restraint. Afterward, I whispered, “I love you. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  “I love you, sweetheart,” he said as his whole body responded as well; he hugged me flat to his chest like he wanted to snatch me up while he had the chance.

  “Adam, Sylvia is watching us.”

  “She better fucking not be.” He grinned. “Just one kiss?”

  “Just one.” I gave him another slow kiss and made it last even longer this time. But when his tongue began to press against my lips, I pulled away with a snicker.

  “Oh, bloody hell.” He laughed. “I shouldn’t even try. The last thing I need is a stiffy right now. Goodnight, sweetheart.”

  Chapter 30

  THE FOLLOWING NIGHT, the Kincaid house was crowded and loud with laughter. After meeting us at the door, Adam first dropped Mom off with his mother in the kitchen and then took me upstairs to his room, where he was hanging out with Tom and Rachel. They sat on Adam’s bed, laughing, but after a fleeting smile and a nod, I didn’t look at them again. I was too taken aback by the emptiness of his room. Other than some school books and papers on his drafting table, the room was bare, save for the furniture.

  I snapped my head to look at Adam for confirmation of what I was seeing. He put his arm around me and gently stated the obvious. “I’m leaving, Nicki.”

  I couldn’t respond; I was standing in the middle of the old nightmares I’d pushed down for so long. I was in the presence of all the physical signs that Adam was leaving. If I looked around in every room in the house, I’d no doubt see even more—boxes, luggage, plane tickets.

  When Tom called to me, I went over to them and started chatting, but I was barely there. I couldn’t get over the reality around me. Adam was disappearing from my life.

  We ended up hanging out in his room with them for the next hour. I talked a little, but mainly I kept quiet. I noticed Tom checking his watch occasionally. When he winked at Rachel, I knew they were going to head over to his parent-less house for some private time.

  After they left, I walked over to Adam’s drafting table and touched a stack of his drawings. “What are these?”

  “Oh. Just some sketches of the coast. They’re not very good.”

  Of course, they were beautiful. He’d used both charcoal and a black ink pen on them, perfectly evoking the beach on a gray day. Impulsively, I asked, “Can I have one?”

  The words came from my mouth, but I couldn’t believe I’d said them. Why would I want another thing to remind me of him? Why would I do that to myself? Some part of me did want it, though, because I prompted him, “Please?”

  My eyes darted up to his to see why he wasn’t answering, and I watched as a wide smile spread across his face. “You really want one?”

  “Yeah.” I tried to downplay it. “Why not?”

  “I never thought you’d want anything from me again.”

  I melted. My repentant ex-boyfriend had taken my request for one of his drawings as a sign of forgiveness. Maybe it was a sign. Because at that moment, I wanted him to know that things were okay. I grinned and began to inch my head closer to his to kiss him.

  Then I heard Sylvia call behind me. “Hey, Nicki! I’ve been trapped downstairs talking with all the parents. How are you?”

  Adam was none too happy at having yet another kiss thwarted by his sister. He looked over my shoulder and snapped, “You can leave.”

  “But I won’t!” she said as she walked in the room. “What are you showing Nicki?”

  I smiled and picked up the prettiest drawing. “Adam’s given me one of his sketches.”

  Sylvia gave a quic
k inspection of the drawing and sneered. “Hmpf. It’s okay.” Then she perked up. “Oooh! Let me you give you one of mine. It will actually be worth something someday.”

  As she scampered to her room, I turned to thank Adam, but he was snarling. “She’s such a pain in the arse!”

  “She’s funny.”

  “Funny like a batty, obnoxious old lady. Never mind her.” Then he grinned and sounded almost proud as he offered, “I want you to have it. I’ll get it framed for you.”

  Sylvia’s voice piped up again. “Oooh! That’s a great idea!” She’d returned and held in her hands an abstract watercolor about twice the size of Adam’s drawing and opposite in every way. His was stark and real, while hers was colorful and dreamlike. “Do you like it?”

  “It’s gorgeous. It’s very kind of you, but, really, it’s too much.”

  “Not at all. It’s a gift, and now I get to find the perfect frame for it.”

  “Who the fuck said you were coming with me?” said Adam.

  “I did. I can’t trust you to choose the right frame. You have horrible taste.” She smiled at me apologetically. “Except for picking Nicki, of course.”

  “Of course.” I giggled.

  Despite Adam’s grumblings about her, we spent the rest of the time with Sylvia watching a movie in their den. When it was time to go, Mom found me and escorted me over to Adam’s parents to say goodbye. In my most polite voice, I used all of my available good manners to thank Mr. and Mrs. Kincaid and to wish them well, even remembering to call Adam’s dad Professor Kincaid rather than just plain old Mister.

  He seemed to like that and was even nicer than his usual combination of distinguished and dorky. “Well, Nicki, it’s been such a pleasure meeting you. If I don’t see you again before we leave, please know you’re always welcome to visit us. We would love to have you.”

  Thankfully, I’d been blessed with Dad’s prosecutor poker face, because all I could think was, Yeah, right…But he’d always been so nice to me that I knew he wasn’t completely insincere. He just didn’t want me visiting for so long that I might distract his son from being little Lord Kincaid or whatever the hell his title was.