Beside Your Heart

by Mary Whitney

  Mrs. Kincaid didn’t let me answer him. Grabbing me in a tight hug, she whispered, “You’re such a wonderful girl, Nicki. I’m so happy that we had the opportunity to get to know you. You’ve been so good for Adam. He’s going to miss you. I hope we hear from you very soon.”

  I could only think her last line was a not-so-veiled plea for me to be in touch with her son. Yet as I stood there with his dad staring at me, I was sure that he and I were in agreement that it wasn’t the best thing to do. I looked over at Mom, who seemed perplexed by all of the exchanges; she knew something was odd, but she kept it to herself.

  The following afternoon, Adam came over. When I let him in, he saw that my mom wasn’t home and grinned with approval. I liked the idea of an afternoon alone with him, too, but I realized I might have gotten his hopes up.

  “I should tell you I’m really not sure when she’s going to be home.”

  “Where is she?”

  “At the cemetery.” It sounded awful, probably because it was.

  “Why today?” His smile had vanished.

  I shrugged and continued walking toward the living room. For the last month, I couldn’t think about Lauren. Dealing simultaneously with all my Adam crap and the anniversary of her death would have been too much.

  After I plopped on the sofa, I turned to him. “She wanted to clean up the gravesite. You know, make it pretty. People will be visiting it again soon.”

  “Nicki…”

  I didn’t say anything as he sat beside me.

  After a moment, he asked softly, “When is the anniversary?”

  “A few days after you leave.”

  “Christ, I’m so sorry.” He was somber and sounded like he was thinking aloud. “I knew it was soon, but I thought it was later than that. Maybe if—”

  “No. Don’t worry about it. I’ll be fine.”

  “But this is shit. I’m leaving at the worst possible time.”

  He was getting really worked up—far more than I was about it.

  I tried to calm him down. “Adam, it’s okay. I’m going to be fine. I swear.”

  “Fuck.” He grimaced. “You’re going to be by yourself on the actual day? I’m letting you down again.”

  “No, you’re not. Don’t say that.” I reached over and brushed the hair out of his face, but he was angry at himself. He lowered his head away from me, so I brought his face back up to mine.

  “Listen to me. I’m going to have to deal with Lauren’s death alone for the rest of my life. You aren’t letting me down.” Flashes of all the times he’d talked with me about Lauren came to my mind. Straight from my heart, I told him, “You’ve been here for me for so much. You’ve been there when I needed you most. I couldn’t have gotten through it without you.”

  I should’ve been crying by then, but oddly I wasn’t. Adam looked away, so I stretched so I could look him in the eye. Whereas my eyes were dry, Adam’s were tearing up. He squinted and shook his head, either to force the tears back in or to keep me away—probably both. I didn’t like it. The only thing I could think to do was plant a soft open-mouthed kiss on him.

  “I love you, Adam.”

  He must’ve preferred kissing to talking, because he responded by cradling me in his arms as he opened up his mouth to me. For the next few minutes, we had the weirdest make-out session. We were kissing and groping and even grinding a little, while salty tears continued to run down his face.

  When I felt that he was hard, I laughed to myself. He’s crying—with an erection. Scientific evidence that there’s no connection at all between a guy’s dick and his brain.

  Our hands were all over each other, but it didn’t go anywhere. Adam might’ve been tired or embarrassed from crying, so just as quickly as things had escalated between us, they wound down. We ended up snuggling under the afghan and then falling asleep.

  I woke up an hour later when I heard Mom’s car pull into the driveway.

  “Adam, we need to get up. My mom’s home.”

  He startled as I spoke, and his eyes flashed open. He blinked a couple of times. “Shit. Yeah. Okay.”

  We got situated on the sofa so that we weren’t horizontal when Mom walked in. She greeted us happily and even pretended she didn’t notice that my hair was a mess.

  After she left us alone again, Adam was a little awkward until he kissed my cheek. “That was a nice nap.”

  “It was.” I smiled and returned the kiss. “C’mon, I’ll walk you out.”

  The school week passed quickly. Like the week before, Adam and I made as much of the daylight hours that we could together. We didn’t talk much about him leaving on Sunday morning. With the normalcy of exams and papers, the fact that he really was leaving for good at the end of the week seemed impossible. Sure there was that feeling of finality with the end of school, but that still felt normal.

  It was only at the giant party that Lance hosted on Friday night that everything changed. I should’ve known what would happen, but I was still in denial. As soon as we got there, Adam started getting hugs and backslaps from people wishing him well and asking what life would be like back in England.

  I walked into another room straightaway. It was selfish, but I didn’t care. Adam’s future without me was not something I wanted to hear about. I justified leaving him by telling myself he didn’t want to talk about it in front of me either. There had to be some truth to it.

  Sylvia had again tagged along that night, and she followed me right into the empty dining room. “Nicki, I wanted to talk with you now because Adam told me you two are spending tomorrow alone.”

  That was welcome news to me, making me smile. “So, what’s up?”

  “Well, he and I talked last night. I suppose I understand where you’re coming from about not talking or writing after we leave. It’s just sort of harsh.”

  Oh God. I was being reprimanded by Sylvia. My silence must have tipped her off that I was uncomfortable, as she then tempered what she’d said.

  “But it’s very mature of you—like you know you two have your whole lives ahead of you. You’re young, and you don’t know how things will turn out.”

  Clearly, Adam had conveniently failed to tell Sylvia about his little fling with Kate. That had told me exactly how things would turn out, but I wasn’t going to bring it up. Although I wasn’t going to forget it, I’d forgiven him.

  I nodded. “Well, you know…”

  “Daddy has said something similar to him, but I know even Daddy wouldn’t like to hear that you two don’t want to talk at all. Adam is going to be gutted.” She grumbled. “And he’ll be an utter git again.”

  “Sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay. He’s an arsehole to me most of the time anyway.” She then pleaded, “But, Nicki, can’t we stay in touch? I want to live in the States when I’m older—in New York. I’d like to have a friend when I’m there.”

  “New York?” I laughed. “I’ll probably never get out of Texas.”

  “That’s okay. You don’t have to tell me anything personal that you don’t want Adam to know. Just let me know where you are if you move…where you go to university…that kind of thing.” She stood a little taller and was smug. “That way, I can invite you to my first exhibition.”

  Sylvia. What a trip. She was a shy, adorable Goth of a girl with more self-confidence than I’d ever have. How could I not want to see how she turned out?

  “Sure, Sylvia. I’d like that.”

  We talked a little longer about her dreams of New York before Lisa and Rachel found us. Sylvia scooted off to get us beer, which was good because my best friends were looking at me like Mom often did when she was both worried and curious.

  “Nicki, why are you in here?” Lisa asked gently. “Is it hard seeing everyone tell him goodbye?”

  “Maybe.” I shrugged.

  Rachel gave me a hug and scowled at Lisa. “Then let’s not talk about it. Let’s talk about our trip to Austin next weekend!”

  “You two are the best. I’m s
orry I’ve been such a bitch.”

  Rachel didn’t skip a beat. “No more than usual.”

  “We’re used to it by now,” Lisa said and smiled.

  My friends and Sylvia kept me occupied for the next hour, and it wasn’t that late when Adam came to see if I wanted to go home. He looked bummed—like it was time to leave because he couldn’t handle any more. But he still had to say goodbye to Lisa and Rachel, which turned out to be pretty funny.

  Lisa gave him a perfunctory hug, and I heard her give him a backhanded compliment. “Bye, Adam. You turned out to be a much nicer person than I expected.”

  He stepped back in silence. Her American directness had confounded his British manners. Then Rachel lightened the mood for everyone as he hugged her in turn. “I’ll keep up with you through Tom. Expect a visit from me in a few years. And if I’m not with Tom then, I’ll need a date…maybe with that gorgeous cousin of yours. So you should warn him.”

  Adam laughed nervously, not knowing what to make of Rachel’s demand, but I rolled my eyes. I could see it coming. Tom or no Tom, if Rachel was over there and had the opportunity, she was going to pounce on David. Maybe he could cure her fixation on uncircumcised dicks.

  After we left, Adam drove Sylvia home first. I got out of the car to give her a hug. “Bye, Sylvia.”

  “Bye, Nicki.” She squeezed the life out of me and whispered, “I’ll send you a postcard when we get home.”

  “Take care of yourself.” With a squeeze and a whisper of my own, I added, “And also Adam for me.”

  Adam and I were silent driving back to my place. The emotions of the night had gotten to him. When we started walking up to my porch, he said three words that perfectly summed up the evening: “That was hard.”

  “It was.”

  He smiled at me as he reached for my hands. “I have got to go home and finish packing—plus do a few things for my mum. I want to spend the whole day with you tomorrow, though, if you’ll let me.”

  “Just the day?” Considering we’d only kissed since our make-out session on the couch on Sunday, I was being a pretty big tease, but he took the bait right away.

  “Well, the night, too, if you’ll have me.”

  I reached up to kiss his smiling face. “Until tomorrow, then.”

  As I turned to unlock the door, I heard him call over my shoulder, “I’ll get here early—before nine. And wear your swimming costume.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s supposed to be over a hundred degrees tomorrow. We’re going swimming.”

  Chapter 31

  BECAUSE OF ALL MY NERVOUSNESS over Adam’s last day, I got no sleep that night before. The anxiety turned to panic in the morning, though, when I surveyed my swimsuit collection. There wasn’t a one-piece to be found. Rachel had told me once that even though I had “no tits,” as she put it, I should show off my ass to make up for it.

  The day had come when I rued her advice. I put on my favorite itty-bitty polka-dot bikini and almost cried at the sight. I looked like something out of a bad horror flick. In my mirror stood a fair-skinned, teenage girl in a tiny black bikini with hideous purple and brown slashes all over her torso. Adam may have seen every inch of my body, but in broad daylight compared to normal girls, I’d scare him. I threw on one of Dad’s old V-neck T-shirts and a pair of shorts and then crammed some underwear and a change of clothes into my bag. The T-shirt wasn’t just a cover-up; it was staying on me if I went in the water.

  As promised, Adam arrived before nine, and we started our day off with a quick trip to the frame shop to pick up his and Sylvia’s pictures. They were even cooler in their frames. I gushed thank you after thank you to Adam, but he would hear none of it, only saying, “It truly is my pleasure.”

  We picked up some sandwiches before heading out to the beach—the same spot he’d taken me on Valentine’s Day. I gave him a knowing look. “We’ve been here before.”

  “We have.”

  Even though it was a hot day, no one was around. It was after lunchtime, so we ate our sandwiches sitting on a thin blanket he’d brought. He also pulled out a camera, and he’d surreptitiously take pictures of me when I wasn’t looking. When I protested, he explained, “But I haven’t got any photos of you by yourself. Only my sketches.”

  I squirmed but relented. “Okay, but just one more.”

  “Good.” He took the shot quickly. “I just want something to remember you by.”

  Our eyes met, and I went weak-kneed.

  After neither of us spoke for a few seconds, he tossed the camera aside and jumped up. “Let’s go for a swim.”

  Kicking off his running shoes, he tugged his T-shirt over his head like only guys do. There he was in all his sculpted glory, only covered by a pair of swim trunks. I had to avert my eyes or he’d know I was ogling him.

  I unlaced my shoes and shimmied off my shorts, but I kept the T-shirt on. Adam didn’t notice until we got to the water.

  He tugged at it. “Why are you still wearing this?”

  As I crossed my arms over my stomach, I hoped he’d realize I was uncomfortable. “I don’t have a one-piece. My scars look pretty bad in a swimsuit.”

  Adam frowned and shook his head dismissively before he moved my arms to the side and pulled the shirt over my head. My arms immediately went back across my belly.

  “See? I told you,” I said.

  “Any tosser who can’t see past a few silly marks isn’t worth your time.” His voice was rough. “I hope you know that.”

  I didn’t know what to say, but he saved me from a reply as he turned and dove into the waves. When he emerged, he shook his head out like he was ridding himself of both water and something he didn’t want to think about. Eventually, he called over to me, “It’s great.”

  I jumped in, too, and for a while, we horsed around, laughing and swimming. It was a lot of fun, but I was also very aware that it was the first time in over a month we’d been so physically close. It was almost entirely skin on skin. We both played along, though, pretending like it was no big deal. Or as Grandma Johnson always put it, pretending like there wasn’t an elephant behind the butter in the fridge.

  When I thought we were getting a little too close for public, I went to the blanket to warm up in the sun, and Adam soon followed me, saying, “You know, you look really fucking sexy lying there.”

  “I doubt that.”

  “Shouldn’t I be the one who decides these things?”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “I think you’re gorgeous.” He sat next to me. “I won’t let you put yourself down.”

  With his wet hair and glistening skin, I thought he was gorgeous, too. All thoughts of denying myself any intimacy with him disappeared. The mind was strong, but my body was weak.

  I pulled his face to mine and gave him a long, slow kiss. He groaned into my mouth, but after a few minutes he pulled away. Looking into my eyes, he asked, “Are you sure about this?”

  Blinking a few times, I asked myself the same question: Do I want to have sex with him?

  I answered both of us as I leaned in for another kiss. “Yes.”

  After a few minutes of heated snogging on the blanket, Adam suggested we go to his car that was parked a ways away. I was too sex-starved to reject him, and a car was more private than a public beach.

  It was early enough that no one was around, so two horny and determined teenagers climbed into the backseat. With a quick kiss out of the way, his mouth ventured down my body as he pulled my swimsuit aside. Whether he went down on me because of guilt or a desire to speed things along, I don’t know, but it felt damn good. I came in minutes, and afterward one thought came to mind: This is something I’m going to miss.

  It seemed polite to return the favor, and ever the guy, Adam’s face lit up when he saw he was about to get a blowjob. I undid the string on his swim trunks and pulled them down, exposing his hardening penis.

  Of course, I had one other goal in mind—to give a better blowjob than that bitch Kate
. I had no measure to judge it by, except that Adam was groaning and moaning the whole time. His balls tightened, and I expected him to come in my mouth any second.

  Instead, he pulled out, grunting, “Fuck. So good, but I want to come inside you.”

  I looked up into his sex-crossed eyes and smiled. “I want you to, also.”

  Hearing that, his eyes really crossed. I shimmied off my bikini bottoms and looked out at the now-filling parking lot. Taking a risk, I lowered myself onto him. His mouth gaped as we felt each other, and he groaned, “God, Nicki, I’ve really fucking missed this.”

  He was so deep inside of me, and it had been a while, so I felt especially full with him. I was also relishing the connection. “I’ve missed it, too.” We started to move together, which felt amazing. He was thrusting and cursing up a storm, and we came within minutes.

  After the quickie in the car, we went back to the beach and stayed there the whole afternoon. When it got late, we changed and drove to my favorite Chinese restaurant for dinner and talked about places we wanted to travel. At the end of the meal, some butterflies twitched in my stomach when I saw the fortune cookies. It was stupid because they were mass-produced, stale cookies with random pieces of paper in them, but I still always wondered what they might say.

  He offered them up for me to choose, and I picked the one nearest me and read it aloud.

  “‘Good luck will come later in your life.’” I frowned. “Great. Is life going to suck until I’m old?”

  “It doesn’t say that. It just says that you’ve got something to look forward to later.”

  “Very nice spin.”

  “I’m right. And it’s silent on what your life will be like until then. It could just as well be good rather than bad.”

  “Whatever. What’s yours?”

  “Mine says, ‘You have good intuition.’ Huh. What do you make of that?”

  It could have been interpreted so many ways, but Adam was pretty good at reading things around him. I nodded. “It could be true.”