He grabbed Cassandra by the arms. “How do I fix this?”
“Fix what? I don’t know. I’m still trying to comprehend you saying you love her,” Cassandra said.
“I accused her of tricking me. I left her even after she begged me to stay. You’re a woman — how do I fix it?”
Cassandra shrugged. “I really don’t know, Jared. Like they say, when a woman’s fed up there’s nothing you can do about it.”
He let her go and ran his hands over his face. “I fucked up. I left her. She won’t forgive me.” His head snapped up and he looked at Cassandra. “I’m not good at this stuff. I don’t know how to tell her I messed up and I’m sorry.”
Cassandra leaned against the counter. “You can’t tell her, you’ll have to show her.”
Jared rubbed the back of his neck. “For how long?”
“As long as it takes.”
He tried to imagine how long it would take for Tasha to forgive him. He couldn’t blame her if she never forgave him. For him to accuse her of deceiving him after refusing to admit his feelings for her in front of his family was bad enough, but the fact that he’d walked away after she’d begged him not to made his task seem as possible as moonwalking to Mars.
He turned his back to Cassandra and dialed Tasha’s number. It went straight to voice mail and he wanted to throw the phone against the wall. He was going back today and would stick so close to her during this pregnancy people would think they were joined at the hip. He’d show her every day until this baby came and beyond that, he loved her until she finally realized they belonged together.
He turned back to Cassandra. She held up her hand. “I know, you’re going back tonight.”
He nodded. “I have to. I need to check on her and my baby.”
Cassandra took a deep breath. “I can’t believe this. You’ll probably marry her too?” When he cringed, she rolled her eyes. “I’ll look for flights and pack my bags.”
He stopped her as she tried to walk past him. “Wait a second. You’re skipping your birthday celebration?”
She raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t miss seeing you crawl after a woman for anything. Just remember that you owe me a huge party next year.”
He pulled her into a bear hug. “I don’t deserve you.”
“No, you don’t,” she said with a smile before pulling away and going upstairs.
CHAPTER 36
Jared rubbed his jaw and took a deep breath to calm his racing heart. He stared at Tasha’s front door and reached for the doorbell for the third time. The afternoon sun burned his back and sweat beaded along his brow. But even if it were cloudy he’d still be sweating bullets. He wasn’t used to begging forgiveness from a woman and he wanted Tasha’s forgiveness more than anything.
Once he’d landed the first thing he did was call Monica and confront her. To his amazement she hadn’t lied, but thankfully confirmed that she wasn’t pregnant. He would have dragged her to every court in America if she were. Instead of calling her every dirty name in the book he’d ended the call and deleted her number. From the defeated sound of her voice, he didn’t expect to see her again.
He wiped the sweat off his hands on his khaki pants. The second thing he’d done was shower and change into what he hoped was a responsible looking outfit before coming to beg Tasha to forgive him. With a sigh he pressed the doorbell.
She opened the door and his breath caught. She was dressed in her pink Rec Commission t-shirt and khaki skirt, her hair hung loosely around her shoulders and there was a glow to her caramel skin. She was breathtaking. He held out the bouquet of roses he’d brought.
Her cold gaze went from the roses to his face before she lifted her chin. “What do you want?”
He swallowed his guilt and called on his pride. “I’m sorry. I never should have doubted you.”
She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes. “What do you want?”
He dropped the flowers to his side. “I know you didn’t poke the holes in the condoms.”
Her lips twisted. “Really, what brought on this epiphany?”
“I realized you wouldn’t do something like that. I trust you.”
Anger flashed in her eyes. “You trust me? You trust me! After I begged you to believe me and you still ran off to L.A., you have the audacity to come here and think flowers and saying you trust me will make it all go away? You don’t trust me, Jared. If you did you wouldn’t have left.”
He reached out and she stepped back. “I know, and I’m sorry. Tasha, I didn’t know how to handle it, okay? I’d just found out about my dad — ”
Her brow furled. “What about your dad?”
“There was more to the story. Drugs caused his heart attack. My mom wasn’t having an affair.”
Concern replaced the anger in her eyes. “I’m so sorry.”
He stepped forward. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about it since finding out. My mind was so screwed up after learning what happened. Then Malcolm was digging on me for misleading you,” he sighed heavily, “When I saw the condom, it was easier to believe you would do that than trust my instincts.”
Her face hardened and she raised her chin. “That’s supposed to make me feel better? You were a coward and you ran. You didn’t want to face what was real. You didn’t want to make what we had real and you took the easy way out.”
“It wasn’t easy, Tasha. I’ve thought about you every minute since Atlanta.”
She scowled. “Really? Were you thinking of me while hooking up with Cassandra? I saw the reports of you two partying it up. I also know you stayed with her in L.A.”
He closed his eyes and dropped his head, mentally cursing the media. “I didn’t sleep with Cassandra.” He lifted his head and looked at her.
Tasha made a noise that sounded a lot like a growl and tried to slam the door. He caught it before she could close it and pushed his way in. “Nothing happened.”
“You expect me to believe that? You had to sleep with me almost every night.”
He reached for her again but she stepped away. “You, Tasha, only you. I don’t want another woman the way I want you. I haven’t loved a woman the way I love you. I don’t want to sleep with Cassandra, or Monica, or anyone else. I only want you.”
Her eyes softened slightly but she turned away. “It doesn’t matter, Jared. I told you before if you couldn’t believe me then it was over. I meant what I said.”
He stepped up behind her and put a hand on her shoulder. He wanted to draw her close, but instead took comfort that she hadn’t pulled away. “I know you meant what you said. I know coming here and saying I’m sorry won’t erase what I did. You offered me love and trust and I didn’t know how to handle it. I’ve spent so much of my life mistrusting women and second-guessing every gesture they made. I know it’s not a good excuse for what I did, but it’s the only excuse I have. I love you, Tasha. And I love this baby.” She tried to pull away but he increased the pressure on her shoulder. “I won’t ask you to forgive me today. I haven’t done anything to make you trust me again, but I will. I will show you that I mean what I’m saying until you believe me.”
He pulled her against him. She relaxed into his embrace. He leaned down to place a kiss on the top of her head and breathed in her fresh scent.
The moment was fleeting and she jerked away. She turned to face him but didn’t meet his eyes. “Please leave.”
He stiffened. “Are you and the baby okay?”
She nodded, still avoiding his gaze. “We’re fine.”
“I’ll come back tomorrow to check on you.”
Her eyes snapped up, frustration and desire clearly evident in her glare. “Don’t. It’s over, Jared. It should have been over a long time ago, but now it’s truly over.” She opened the door and pointed. “Just go.”
He walked over to stand b
efore her. When he spoke, his voice was like steel. “It’s not over. You’re carrying my child. I will be a part of this baby’s life and I will fight every day to be a part of yours. I meant what I said — I love you.”
“Love doesn’t mean a thing if you don’t trust me.” She looked into his eyes. “And you don’t trust me. If you did, you wouldn’t have left. If you did, you wouldn’t be ashamed to let your family know. You would have believed me.” Her voice broke on the last words and his heart constricted. He reached out to touch her, but she slapped his hand away. “Go.”
He wanted to argue, to beg her forgiveness, but he wouldn’t. Right now actions would speak louder than words. Regardless of what she said, he would show up tomorrow and every day after that to check on her and the baby. Even if she never forgave him, he’d make sure she understood that he wouldn’t leave her again. He’d show her constantly how sorry he was and how much he loved her. Without another word, he turned and walked out.
CHAPTER 37
Tasha twisted in the seat in her obstetrician’s waiting room. She studied the other occupants in the large waiting area. There were couples smiling and holding hands. Mothers and daughters sitting around talking, even a grandfather sat with his wife and granddaughter. Some women were alone reading magazines or e-readers or playing with cell phones. Of the women who were alone, two were obviously pregnant. She caught the eye of one and they both gave the small awkward smile of strangers caught staring. Before she looked away, Tasha noticed the wedding ring on the other woman’s hand.
Her eyes lowered to her naked ring finger. She absently rubbed the spot where a ring would fit. In the two and a half months since Jared returned he’d pushed his way back into her life. He called to check on her daily. He volunteered to set up for the Wednesday night basketball games, and reminded her to leave early on animal adoption day. He popped up at her house at least once a week with a new item for the baby. Last week it was a crib he’d insisted on putting together. Watching him in her developing nursery as he smiled and talked about the baby caused her heart to yearn for him so badly she’d fled. His determination to show her how much he cared was frustrating, infuriating, and killing her resolve to fall out of love with him.
He didn’t pressure her to forgive him as he’d done the day he returned. Instead he said, “I love you” at the end of each phone call, which she refused to repeat. He constantly touched her. The back of her neck, her lower back, her hand. It was maddening. It was heaven.
He shifted in the seat next to her. She looked at him and bit back a smile as he drummed his hands on his knees and tapped his toes. Her appointment was at eight on Friday morning. He’d missed his morning workout to come, which meant he was bursting with restless energy. As endearing as his fidgeting was, she didn’t want him there. He’d insisted on coming after she’d mentioned a doctor’s appointment. To her surprise, he knew the twenty-week visit was the one where she’d learn the baby’s sex. He’d read What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Her resolution not to love him almost completely dissolved when he’d mentioned that.
The problem with not loving him was twofold: one, she did love him, and two, he was showing her daily he still loved her.
Whenever she felt herself slipping she remembered his accusation, how he left her, and the way he’d rather his family believe he didn’t love her than tell them. But it was harder and harder to remember the bad when he was working so hard to show her he cared. She knew he’d told Malcolm and his mother about the baby. Kenyatta called Angie to tell how Malcolm went ballistic when Jared explained what happened before he left for L.A. The only thing that kept the brothers from fighting was Jared admitting he was wrong and taking responsibility for his actions. Between that, and Malcolm’s happiness about his approaching wedding, the brothers remained on speaking terms.
Despite all his efforts, Jared never mentioned the word marriage. He said he loved her, he wanted to be in her life, he wanted to take care of the baby, but that was all. Realizing it was better for her child to have a father in its life, she’d grudgingly accepted his assistance, but she wouldn’t let Jared back into her heart. She wouldn’t be happy as his girlfriend for the rest of her life. If there was even the smallest chance for her to meet someone else, she couldn’t afford to fall back into the easy relationship she’d had with him before.
She turned away from him. He reached over and placed his hand over hers. Heat shot through her and she stiffened. She began to pull her away but he held on. When he rubbed her ring finger the same way she’d done before, her eyes shot up to his. He wasn’t looking at her. He stared at her hand.
She gazed at his face, taking in his smooth brown skin, full lips, and shiny black hair. He wasn’t in his usual workout uniform, instead wearing a green golf shirt and slacks. He didn’t wear the cutoff shirts and basketball shorts everywhere anymore. She liked the more mature look, but missed seeing the tattoo on his upper arm and those marvelous legs. The desire to reach out and touch him hit her hard and fast. Her breathing quickened and the blood felt thick in her veins.
She closed her eyes and looked away from him in a weak attempt to break the spell. “Are you nervous?”
He continued to hold her hand. “Isn’t it obvious? I can’t sit still.”
She glanced back at him; the corner of his mouth lifted in a smile. He still wasn’t looking at her so she let herself stare longingly at his lips as he spoke. “I hope it’s a boy. I know what to do with a boy. I’d have no clue with a girl. But I guess it would be perfect payback for me to have a girl after the way I treated women.” His eyes rose to meet hers so quickly she wasn’t able to hide her longing. She wanted to look away. She wanted to forget Jared had a chokehold on her heart, but when he smiled, she let out a staggered breath. His smile melted away. Longing and desire swirled in the depths of his chocolate eyes. “Let me back in, Tasha.” His voice was low but passionate. “You know we’re good together, and you want it as much as I do.”
Yes, yes, yes! is what clamored through her heart, but her mind pulled her back. She wanted it all, not part of the story. “What I want hasn’t changed. I still want to get married someday.”
He closed his eyes and sighed before looking back at her. “Tasha, we don’t need a piece of paper to make this real.”
“I want it all, Jared, and I’ll have it one day. It’ll be harder with the baby … and you around, but one day I will meet someone else and he’ll want to marry me.”
He leaned closer. “But we … ”
“We used to sleep together and got pregnant. Nothing more.” She pulled her hand away and sat back. It hurt to say those words, but they were necessary. She had to be strong for her child.
The waiting room door opened before Jared could answer and Tasha’s mother burst into the room. She looked around until she spotted Tasha. The bright smile on her face dimmed a bit when she saw Jared, but it didn’t go away as she walked over.
Her mom had gone against her dad’s will and insisted on being at her side. It was a small comfort, but her dad’s refusal to talk to her still hurt. She’d missed every Sunday dinner since their fight. She was willing to keep up the silent treatment until her child attended college, and hated that she’d be forced to come back to his church because of Kenyatta and Malcolm’s wedding.
Inevitably, her mom had learned Jared was the father after he’d returned and made such an effort to be in her life. Although her mom had pressured her into accepting his help — he was the baby’s father, after all — it didn’t stop her from asking if Kevis was still an option. Tasha knew her mom secretly hoped she and Kevis would work out. Their tentative friendship was working, although he stopped coming to the Rec Commission to play after Jared returned.
Her mom sat in the empty seat next to Tasha. “Angie told me you had your appointment this morning. Why didn’t you call me? This is a big occasion.” She didn’t acknowledge Jared.
“Mom, I don’t need you to come to every visit.”
Her mom waved her hand. “Yes, you do. The more I report back to your dad, the closer he is to coming around. Last night he asked if we knew the sex of the baby yet. I think he’s looking forward to seeing you at the wedding tomorrow.”
“He could have visited me long before Kenyatta and Malcolm’s wedding,” Tasha said.
Her mom patted her hand. “He wants to see you, baby. He’s just stubborn. You know how he feels about appearances before his church. Maybe if you brought a date to the wedding … ”
“A date?” Jared cut in. “Tasha doesn’t need a date, she’s carrying my child.”
Her mom rolled her eyes. “But you two aren’t together. She can date whomever she chooses. What about that doctor? Aren’t you two still taking on the phone?”
Tasha closed her eyes and groaned. Jared sat up in his seat. “What? You’re still seeing the good doctor?”
Tasha shook her head and cut her eyes at her mom before turning to Jared. “No. We’re just friends. He just calls to check and see how I’m doing.”
Jared scowled. “It’s none of his business how you’re doing. If you need anything you tell me, not him.”
Tasha stiffened. “We’re friends, Jared. Besides, I haven’t said anything about Cassandra living with you.”
He narrowed his eyes. “She stayed with me for a week after I came back from L.A. You know there’s nothing between us.”
“Do I really?” He opened his mouth to reply but she held up a hand. “It doesn’t matter. We are not together.”
His dark eyes flashed fire. “Is he the guy you’re hoping to marry? The reason we can’t be together?”
She rolled her eyes and grunted. “You’re the reason we can’t be together.”
Southern Love Page 48
