When I Wake Up

by Macedo, Ana Paula

  “Roy, I love you so much. I'm crazy for you. I cannot stand your contempt and I need your attention. I need some time off from your scorn, so I can calm down. You have no idea how much I love you. Only my words would not be able to express what I feel for you, as this inexplicable feeling takes over my whole being and that makes me the vulnerable and insecure person that I am. Can you understand my love for you? You cannot, Roy. You know when you love a person so much that you would give your life for them? That is me… I would give my life for you. I would donate, if need be, all my organs, just to know that you would live, even if it meant that I had to die and you would end up with someone else, or even if I knew that you would not do the same for me. What hurts the most is knowing that you do not notice my feelings for you, and do not care for them and treat them with such contempt, as if my love for you harms you.”

  I did not realize that in my imagination, for the first time, Roy corresponded to my hug and was also looking at me, and in his eyes I noticed something I had never seen before. It was not love, but compassion. And what I needed at that time was not that he loved me, but that he understood me. No, Roy had not lived up to my love, but deep down, he had not been as indifferent as he had always proven. But still, I wanted to die. After all, now I have to live with the idea of having humiliated myself before Roy, having returned to the past, stripped myself of my pride and declared myself to him.

  I had not even realized that we had already reached the waterfall. We were all in bathing suits. I never swam well, but Roy was a skilled swimmer and I was not worried. It was so beautiful to observe that waterfall, the water descending as if it was in a hurry. I looked down and it was like there were several floors. If anyone fell there, it would be fatal, especially due to the fact that the water came down in such a hurry and there were several stones on the floor below the waterfall. That's why I decided to stay next to Roy. By his side I felt safe. Unlike I felt in my teens. It was so strange to see someone who had neglected me so much to be there by my side. I could not resist. I went back into the past and wondered what Roy friends would think if they saw us together, as we were now. Of course, they were seeing us now, but I wanted to know the reaction that they had when they were teenagers. And again, I imagined myself there in my teens with Roy, declaring myself, humiliating myself and him looking at me, despite not being indifferent to my feelings, what he felt for me was not love, but yes, pity. Pity for the one who loved him and that he had decided not only to not correspond to this love, but also to humiliate me.

  All these memories and imaginations ended up stealing my joy, and making me sad. All I wanted was to enjoy the moment, but my mind would not stop and so I tried to ease my pain, I went back to where I was declaring myself to him and I wanted to get the knife and cut my wrists. I pictured myself cutting them and I was able to project Roy's despair to see me there in front of him, and for a love or perhaps an obsession, trying to take my own life, just to get his attention. I imagined his reaction and I still had not decided if in my imagination, if he would try to stop me from taking my life or not, but while I was lost in these thoughts, I heard screams. Everyone, like in a choir chanted: Nooooooooooooo!!!!!!! I did not even realize what was happening, but I had time to observe with my own eyes that Roy had also jumped trying to save me.

  Without realizing, I got lost in my imagination. I was so focused on building a fictional sad moment that I forgot that I was in a waterfall and ended up falling. And by the looks of all, I realized that they thought I had tried to commit suicide. But there, in what could be the end of my life, today I was sure that my Roy, the real Roy and not the fictitious, would also risk his life for me. In those last seconds of what would be the rest of my life, for the fall was only a fraction of a second, I had the conviction that in Roy's eyes, I did not go unnoticed as I felt I always had before. And he was there in front of all of his friends, proving to me that I was important to him.

  I was falling along with the flow and had no desire to fight for life. I was getting close to the water, I was sure it must be deep and I knew I could not swim. I could also fall on the rocks below, but none of that mattered, because for me, more important than survival, was to make sure that Roy really had feelings for me. I did not think of anything else. I closed my eyes, certain that they never again would open, and I was dying happy. I fell into the water. I did not hit rocks. I just sank. I could not breathe, and I was swallowing a lot of water and drowning was not an easy thing to go through. I felt something pulling me up and I definitely thought I had died, and in that moment, the last words I heard and the voice was unmistakably the voice of Roy:

  “God, please bring her back and I will never leave her again. Sophia, come back to me, Sophia.”

  Was I dying or was I already dead? But the last words I heard were words that expressed love and desperation, spoken by the love of my life. For a moment, I did not hear anything and thought that life had left me.

  Roy put me down on a rock and began trying to revive me. He performed mouth to mouth on me. He also performed chest compressions. I coughed a little. I spitted some water out, but I remained motionless. I just heard everything in a confusing way, but I could not give any sign or make a move to express that I was still alive.

  Suddenly I heard people asking:

  “Will she survive?”

  I heard the sound of sirens, many sirens and I could hear several unknown people asking what had happened. Amid all this, I heard a cry, I could not see but in my heart I knew that Roy was crying.

  I heard the sound of an ambulance and police arriving and asking people to make room. I heard the sound of something being taken out of the ambulance and opening up. The noise would be the stretcher. They put me on top of it carefully, and put me in the ambulance.

  I heard the relief team saying: “She swallowed a lot of water. I don’t think she will survive. She is in bad shape, but we will try.”

  Roy rode with me in the ambulance. He held my hand and kept asking God to bring me back. There, almost totally unconscious, I realized something that I had not noticed before: Roy trusted God.

  The ambulance was going very fast. The sirens would not stop. It seemed to be agitated. I knew my situation was delicate. We arrived at the hospital very quickly. Paramedics lowered me down from the ambulance and rolled me into the emergency room. Just by looking at me, the doctor on call sent me right to the ICU.

  “It looks like a lot of water entered her lungs.” I heard the doctor talking. Upon arriving at the ICU, quickly, doctors reached an agreement that in order to save my life, they should put me in an induced coma due to the amount of water I had swallowed, the chances of survival were slim and probably, if I survived, I would suffer permanent brain damage.

  11

  Everyone thought that I was unconscious. I was observing everything that was happening to me. I knew when they put all those tubes in me and what bothered me more in that room was the beep, beep, beep; the noise which the devices that kept me alive were making. Something was factual; for the first time in my life I was breathing from the support of devices and machines.

  For me it was very strange. I heard people who were in the ICU say that I was unconscious.

  “No. She is in a coma, but she can hear you.” replied Luiza, a friendly nurse who was part of the team.

  “Will she survive?” Mara asked, a negative nurse, who unfortunately was also part of the team that was looking after me.

  “Of course, I already told you.” Luiza said, looking in my direction.

  I was with my eyes closed, breathing through devices. My whole body motionless, but I could not only hear, but also see everything that was going on in that hospital room. The strangest thing was that in addition to seeing all those who were there, I could also clearly see myself in that bed, with all those tubes and the respirator placed on me. I was apparently lifeless, but I could see everything in a way that had never happened to me before. It seemed like I was in the air, as if next to the hospital's
roof, but my body remained on bed. I saw myself as if I was sleeping with my eyes closed, but it was as if I had myself staring in a mirror that had been placed horizontally on top, so I could see everything that was happening below. The strangest of all was that if I looked up, I could also see things that I had never seen before, some among them would lack my words to describe them properly.

  Around Luiza, there was a light that accompanied her wherever she went. But near the nurse Mara, a dark stain accompanied her. It was as if the light and the stain were parts of different times and were opposing each other. Neither Luiza nor Mara were aware of what was accompanying them, but regardless of whether they knew or not, both the light and the stain was there and followed them.

  I also noticed the strong presence of creatures I had never seen before. I thought they were angels and were all gathered around the bed, also watching all that was happening to me there in the hospital.

  “Luiza, I know you think that it depends on the patient to decide whether to fight or not to return from the coma. So if you're right, this one here will not return. Look at her depressed face. It looks like she fell on purpose.” Mara said.

  “Wow. You are very pessimistic. She will come back.” Luiza said.

  I took my eyes off of them and myself. I did not look up either, I just looked within myself and the last picture that had been taken by the camera of my memory, was the one of Roy jumping towards me, trying to save me. Roy did what I never expected him to do. And just then I was mentally going back there in my past, trying to resolve a conflict with him. Within a few seconds, I could see and feel Roy’s despair, which seemed to be so much that it almost blended with the water that was drowning me and took my breath away, from how big it was. I was terrified to feel his desperation, because I was already used to despair, but he was not. And the words of the negative nurse echoed in my ears: “This one will not return.” But they could not erase the cry for help that Roy had given when he said: “Sophia, come back to me.”

  “What about you Sophia, what is your desire? Do you or do you not want to come back from the coma?”

  I felt a chill, a fear at the sound of this firm and soft voice at the same time. I looked down to see which of the nurses had spoken to me or maybe it was visiting hours and Roy had been in the room, or perhaps a new doctor was on duty and possessed this very strong voice like the sound of waters in the waterfall and at the same time, it was as strong as thunder.

  I was overcome by fear. I had an uncontrollable urge to cry at the sound of that voice, because there was something in it that I had never heard before. I reached the point of thinking that I was daydreaming. In a coma, but daydreaming. I looked into the room again to see where that voice came from, and I came across an amazing sight; the room was now very clear, a clarity that seemed to be like that of sunlight, except that natural sunlight could not get there in the room due to its location.

  “Sophia, I am the answer you need.” the voice said.

  I was getting nervous.

  “Who?” I asked.

  Roy was my answer. Roy had jumped to rescue me, I thought.

  “No Sophia, I was the one who saved you.” Again the voice said.

  I tried to seek its echo, following its sound to see where that voice came from. I could not see it, but I could feel it and hear it and its sound seemed to ease my pain and for the first time in my life, the emptiness I felt inside me, seemed to begin to be filled by an inexplicable voice, that although I still have not noticed where it came from, it comforted me. It looked like balsam was being thrown into my wounds and that had an effect that also removed my scars.

  “Where does this voice come from?” I thought. And it said:

  “I am everywhere, Sophia. Do not be afraid. I had already prepared this meeting with you since before the foundation of the world.” the voice said.

  “How?” I thought. What a powerful voice this was that had the power to guess my thoughts? Would it be a telepathic voice? No. This could not be real. It must be the effect of this coma and beyond anything I was sleeping. I was unconscious and couldn’t be daydreaming, for I was asleep, in a coma, almost dead, and now out of nowhere appeared this comforting voice and it spoke to me. And what's this about before the world began? I thought to myself.

  While I felt a gentle breeze passing around me, my heart raced and the nurse Mara shouted:

  “Look at her heart monitor. Her heartbeat accelerated. I think we'll lose her now. She will have a heart attack.”

  “No. Something inexplicable is happening to her. She will react.” Snapped Luiza.

  “You and your faith.” said Mara.

  I could pay attention to everything that was happening: in my motionless body on the bed, all the tubes that were placed in me, the annoying noise monitor, positive and negative comments made by doctors and nurses. I could see lights inside the room and above all, I could hear this supernatural voice that spoke to me, soothing my heart and making in me an effect I had never felt before.

  The breeze I felt was also something I had never experienced before and it all happened to me quickly and even me seeing my body on that bed and listening to people say that I would die, I could feel an inexplicable joy, which was caused due to me hearing the sound of that voice. I knew I should look up, but I could not. I was afraid to move and scare the voice. And suddenly, I realized that I wanted to talk to this voice. To meet it. To approach it, because I knew it knew me and understood me. I've always had so much fear that people found out my thoughts. I, who never got tired of daydreaming, was there now. I was now asleep, but at the same time more awake than ever, having an inexplicable experience with this voice that not only said it knew me, but seemed it could also read my thoughts.

  Despite all my uncertainty, I had the conviction that the voice really cared about me. It was as if it were real. Truly real. But even then I was still afraid that it was the product of my imagination. What if I was creating this voice?

  “No Sophia. I am the Creator. I created everything and I cannot be created by anyone.” The voice said, as if it had heard my thoughts.

  Had I finally found someone who could talk to me in my mind? But the voice at the same time was coming out of me, it was outside me, it involved me and made an effect on me that I had never felt before. But why had that voice only presented itself to me now, when I was in a coma?

  “I tried to talk to you several times before, but you could not hear me. Do you remember a time you were in your room, desperate, half awake, half asleep and you felt your body getting out of bed and heard a voice telling you: My daughter, what are you doing with your life?”

  Of course I remembered. That had been one of the most frightening experiences that had ever happened to me. And that voice that I heard that day made me reflect on my life.

  “It was I who spoke to you that day. I knew you were suffering, but you were about to go down a path of no return and that day I spoke to you, I warned you so that you would not try what they would offer you that day.”

  “It was drugs.” I thought. Some friends offered me drugs, and I slept a deep sleep during the day and when I woke up, a voice spoke to me and from that moment on, I knew I had to get away from some friendships.

  “I saved you Sophia.” The voice said again.

  An immense gratitude took over my being. Oh how I was happy to speak with that voice. That voice was so powerful, that gave me the certainty of better days, even if everyone or almost all believed that I was going to die.

  A joy so great invaded me, for the first time in my life, that void was filled and it seemed that at last I found a place in the world and this time it was something that did not seem to be momentary.

  “Do not give credit to this voice.” The nurse Mara spoke aloud.

  “What did you say?” Luiza asked.

  “I did not say anything. You are going crazy.” Mara said.

  While Mara spoke, I realized that her face had changed and she had been wrapped in a frightening dar
kness and her face had become very hard and some strange creatures surrounded her head, as if speaking into her ears. She did not realize what was happening, but she repeated the words that these animals spoke to her ears.

  Nurses, doctors and other people who were in the room also did not realize that Mara's face had turned, and also did not notice the creatures that were lurking around her.

  “Not everyone can see what I'm showing you today, Sophia, but by no means, does this spiritual world cease to exist. You know that voice that said, do not give credit to this voice? It is the voice of the enemy, fighting to keep my plans from fulfilling in people's lives. There is a battle, a war being fought on the earth, everywhere, even within hospitals. But I want to introduce you to this spiritual world Sophia. I want to show you things that I only show to those who I choose and who decide to have a relationship with me.”

  All I wanted was to have a relationship with that voice. And if today I could make a wish for someone that could hear me, I'd ask that this voice did not stop talking to me. The thought of not being able to hear it again, took me by desperation.

  “Do not worry. I will not abandon you. Trust me, Sophia. I know all your wishes. I will fulfill your dreams and fully remove this emptiness from your heart. Today was just the beginning. Do not close your ears, because I want to keep talking to you.” The voice spoke to me.

  I looked and the voice was no longer there. The breeze had stopped and in the hospital room, everything seemed as before, as if nothing had happened. As if all awaited the moment of my death. The moment my organs would stop working and I had a septic shock. It seemed that everyone was prepared to pronounce my death. I looked and realized that Roy had entered the room and was holding onto my hand and said: