When I Wake Up

by Macedo, Ana Paula

  “Wake up Sophia, wake up.”

  I tried to squeeze his hand back, but I could not. I could only move my body, which was on the top side, but the one that was lying on top of the bed remained motionless. I wanted to give a sign of life for Roy. To show him that I would wake up. I was so glad I wanted to share everything I was feeling with him.

  “Give him a sign, Sophia. You can.” Again I heard a voice speak to me and I was overcome by so much emotion, that for a few seconds my eyes opened, I blinked and a tear rolled from my eyes. Roy wept and said:

  “Her eyes opened. A tear rolled.”

  “Then she's going to die.” said Mara. “Every patient in terminal stage has improved before they died.” Mara continued, and on the up side, I could once again contemplate the darkness that involved her and put words in her mouth, causing her to become someone so negative.

  “Wake up Sophia, wake up.” Roy was still talking to me.

  My eyes were closed again, but from above, I could contemplate Roy's despair, mixed with the enthusiasm of the tears I had shed. It was contagious.

  That day I had experienced so many things, I would have those moments just frozen in my memory. And I was sure that Roy really loved me.

  While Roy was holding my hand, he said:

  “Thank you my God. I know that you Lord will bring her back.” And as he spoke with God, I realized that the voice that spoke to me was the Voice of God. When I realized it, I was again wrapped by the breeze, at peace, and I felt the Voice involve my whole being.

  The room again was very clear and I could see angels dancing around the bed and Roy was all wrapped in a very great light.

  I was very happy. Even I, who always thought that no one cared about me, saw Roy there beside me, talking to God about me and above all I was convinced that God loved me and cared about me.

  I, who heard many voices inside my head and had spent my whole life creating fictional characters to escape from my pain, now had just met a voice speaking to me, that calmed me, and brought peace that eased my pain and gave me assurance of being loved. I could feel the love of the voice for me. While I was surrounded by these thoughts, I heard:

  “Do you want to wake up, Sophia? Do you want to return to earth or do you want to go up with me?” The voice asked me.

  “What do you mean rise? If I do not wake up, I'm going to die.” I replied.

  “No. Here is just a start. If you sleep, you will wake up again and go to live with me up there.”

  But I still did not feel ready to rise to live up there in heaven. No, I was not convinced it was my departure time. As I thought this, Roy spoke softly to me, not taking his eyes off me:

  “Wake up Sophia.”

  While he spoke, almost begging me to come back, the Voice blew a breath into my nose and I was taken by a great strength, and once again I managed to open my eyes. I looked at Roy, held his hand and said: “Roy,” and I could hear everyone talking in that hospital:

  “Sophia woke up. A miracle has happened.”

  12

  From that moment, I no longer found myself up in the air. It seemed like I was back to myself and the vision had already left me but I was convinced that I was awake. I looked at Roy and recognized him. I knew he was the love of my life. I remembered what the voice of God had said to me and I had felt that comforting breeze going through my whole being. I also remembered that I had a very big emptiness inside me.

  I looked inside my mind for memories, memories of things that had happened to me, but I could hardly remember anything except that I was called Sophia, the man who was next to me in the hospital bed was Roy, the love of my life, and that there was a voice I had not seen, but which had spoken to me. Apart from that, all I could remember was fiction. They were things that I had created in my imagination. But I knew that I had awakened from a deep sleep and during this sleep I had had an encounter with God and now I knew God was real and spoke to me. But all these were accompanied by the certainty that something else had happened to me: I could not remember almost anything. I had lost my memory. My world was now made up of me, Roy and the voice that spoke to me.

  “Roy. Is that you, Roy?” I asked.

  “Sophia, I knew you would wake up. I was sure that God would bring you back.” And again, I was sure that Roy's faith in God had touched the heart of God and made Him give me back my life. But I still did not understand what had happened. I knew I had been out of my body. I had had a vision, an inexplicable encounter and that God had given me the strength to return, to wake up, so that this time He began to write my story in a different way. And at that moment, with few memories, I gave God the pen with ink so that He could write my story the right way.

  Roy only realized that I had come out of a coma in an unexpected way, which surprised not only him, but also the doctors, nurses and all who were in or entered that hospital room.

  “Her lungs were swollen. I really thought she would not survive. The chances were minimal. She swallowed a lot of water. She went through a near-drowning experience and taking into account that she fell from a high place and full of stones and did not hit her head on any of them, the only explanation I can give is that it was a miracle. Divine intervention. She'll have some permanent damage to her brain, but for now it is too early to say, especially taking into account the speed of which she came back from the coma.” the doctor who took care of me said.

  Roy had his eyes fixed on the doctor who spoke to him. He seemed to not want to miss a word of the diagnosis that she was giving to me.

  “She'll be completely fine.” Roy replied, as if he was defying medicine, knowing that there was a force controlling everything and everyone.

  “It's very difficult for the family to accept the reality.” said the doctor. Roy, in turn, looked at her reproachfully, and then looked at me and said,

  “You'll be totally fine Sophia. I just know it.”

  And I gazed there, a Roy I loved, however had long ignored me, but now was there, fighting for my life, protecting me and talking to God about me.

  I had already realized by the conversation from the doctor to him that I had fallen and that I had almost drowned, and that my lungs had been filled with water. I could not remember the fall or the place.

  When I looked at Roy, I was sure that better times lay ahead. While I thought about it, I felt the touch of the breeze pass me, confirming to me that everything would be fine and giving me the conviction that this memory loss was something temporary. Something only allowed to make me stronger.

  I was very tired. I wanted to tell Roy that I did not remember anything, but I did not want to take away from him the hope that things would improve and I would recover. The best thing to do would be to keep that to myself for now. Though I would like to remember what had happened. My eyelids were weighing down, until I could not keep my eyes opened up and I closed them, without even having the strength to say good night to Roy.

  Some of those devices were still attached to my body. Though I came out of the coma, I was still in the ICU for observation. There was no given date to leave the hospital yet, because my immune system was still affected and luckily, I had not contracted pneumonia. Roy, in turn, had canceled our return ticket. It seemed, the one month trip would be extended and would be considered anything but a trip.

  For me it was not a trip, but an encounter with something much bigger than I had ever experienced in my life. I slept with the assurance that although I did not fully recover, the fact that I have met the voice, was worth it.

  While I slept, I felt the same feeling I had when I was in the coma. I was once again transported up out of my body. Only this time to a much higher place where the vision was so strong that there was a big hand and nearly a veil accompanying me because I was not used to so much light. At first I thought I had recovered my memory back and was going back to the past chapters of my story.

  “You're not in the past, Sophia, but in the near future in store for all the chosen ones.” Once again, I was over
come with emotion that I felt when the voice spoke to me. I did not walk. I simply floated. I was above the clouds, in a place called third heaven. Everywhere was serene. Such inexplicable joy and all who were there seemed to be very happy and they rejoiced because I also was there.

  There was a tree, a river, the streets were of gold, the doors made of stone and walls all around, all covered in precious stones, which shone brightly and almost harmed my eyes because of its brightness. People who were there had a very bright face, as if they had been transformed.

  And while I was there, I looked down and saw myself falling from a waterfall. I saw Roy jumping towards me and a big hand holding me and protecting Roy at the same time.

  “That's how you fell, Sophia.” said the voice.

  I could relive every moment from my fall to my arrival at the hospital. Everything touched me a lot and I could contemplate my body agitated in bed and Roy was very worried, he shook me gently, telling me:

  “Sophia wake up,” and by the sound of his voice, I was brought back to reality.

  “You were having a nightmare.” He told me.

  “No. I was remembering what happened to me at the waterfall.” I answered.

  “You didn't remember?” He asked.

  “No.” I said. “Roy, I do not remember almost anything that happened to me before falling in the waterfall. I mean, I remember having lived several moments with you. I know we're married. We lived in Florida, but I do not recall others. It's all very strange. While I slept, I had flashes of what happened to me. I saw my fall in the waterfall and the voice that spoke to me.”

  “Voice? What voice Sophia?” Roy interrupted me.

  “The voice of God, Roy.”

  Tears fell from his eyes while he told me:

  “God spoke to you during the coma Sophia?”

  “Yes. And while I slept”

  “Are you sure you did not dream?” He asked.

  “Yes, Roy, I am. I went to heaven and came back.”

  “How was your experience, Sophia?”

  “Incomparable.” I replied. “Something tremendous I never experienced before. I would not trade the experience for anything in the world.”

  I tried to move my legs, but they did not obey my commands. Finally, I was realizing that I was paralyzed from the waist down. All this because I had stepped incorrectly in the waterfall, leaving everyone speculating that I had tried to commit suicide and not only put my life at risk but also that of Roy who heroically, had tried to save me. Nobody attributed my survival to the hand that had held me and protected Roy.

  “They did not see, Sophia. Not everyone can see what I have shown you.” The voice said. I was beginning to become more attentive to the Voice that had begun to talk to me. Of everything I had forgotten, something that still remained alive in my memory was the fact that I daydreamed and created voices that spoke inside my head. But this voice was different. It was not created. It created.

  “What should I call you?” I asked the voice.

  “Call me Father, Sophia or call me love, for I am Love.”

  “Father?”

  “Yes, daughter.”

  “I cannot move my legs. I heard the doctor say that I will have permanent damage. Was she referring to my movements?”

  “That's what she thinks, but her knowledge of it is limited and she's not quite sure that I make miracles.”

  “But will I be paralyzed, Father?”

  “Do you want to walk again, Sophia?”

  “I want to. But I do not want to stop hearing your voice. Your voice Father, to me is more important than the movements of my legs. Stronger than the desire that I have in regaining my memory, greater than the love I feel towards Roy. So if to walk again means to stop listening to your voice, I'd rather stay here in this bed, with these devices, unable to walk.”

  “Sophia, you can have it all. That's what people do not understand. You can talk to me and also do other things in your life. You just have to keep talking to me and listening to my voice and not allow your activities to drown out my voice.”

  “How do I keep hearing your voice and talking to you, Father?”

  “Just love me, my daughter and be assured of my love for you.”

  And God reached out to me and asked me:

  “Sophia, do you want to take a ride with me?”

  “Where are we going?” I asked.

  “Let's walk in the hidden places of your memory. I will make you remember the past events.”

  “I'm afraid to remember.” I said.

  “Fear not. Just trust me.”

  “Father, despite not remembering what happened to me, I know that I lived bad and painful moments and do not know if I want to remember them.”

  “It is true Sophia. You went through difficult times, but I've always been with you, even when you could not see me.”

  I reached out to him and he told me:

  “Come with me. Today is the day that you will be healed. You remember your past, but you can remember it with no pain, no sorrow and no fear.”

  “You will apply some medicine on me? Show me the past and then erase it from my memory again?” I asked.

  “I will not erase it from your memory. That would simply be an escape. You have blocked what happened with you because you were so stressed that you would not be able to deal with everything that was happening to you.” God spoke.

  “But from now on, I'll be able to? How?” I asked.

  “Trust me, Sophia. I will heal you. I am the healing. I just need you to trust me and to have a relationship with me.”

  And I knew that the voice was being honest with me. And again I felt like a balm had passed within me and removed all the physical and emotional pain I was feeling. I knew I could trust the voice fully. This voice was real. It was not fictional. It was the voice of God.

  And once again, the room was taken by the strong light. Roy was sitting beside me, watching me sleep. He had a sad and worried face, but looked up and moved his lips whispering, “God, please bring her fully back to me and let her walk again.”

  Roy's words did not die there in the room, but went up to heaven and entered into the heart of God. Roy did not understand, but all he said was heard by God and taken to heaven. And there was a box full of smoke and it bore the letters written: Roy's prayers.

  13

  This whole vision was too strong for my eyes. I could see several things at once. It was as if the hospital did not have a wall or ceiling. As if the sky was close to the ground and the house of God was accessible to those wishing to enter it.

  As I floated on earth, I missed a lot of things, even what I could not remember. But when I floated in heaven, I did not miss anything. I was impressed by so much beauty and so much luxury. There it seemed that a greatest architect had built it all, in a perfect way without leaving any margin for error.

  “When you come to live here, you will not have bad memories.” God spoke to me.

  And the joy I felt as I floated there in the sky was indescribable. It was so immense that I just wished not to return to the land and stay there, floating in the sky, familiarizing myself with all that I observed.

  “You will still be a little longer on earth, Sophia. Roy needs you and you will talk about this visit to heaven to many people.”

  I stopped in a cozy place. I floated, but was still. My feet touched the ground, but I was afraid of falling.

  “Look in that direction, Sophia.” commanded the voice.

  I looked and there was a great door, it was of gold and very shiny. As I looked at it, it opened and led to a mirror that showed something that looked like a movie, where all my past was, as if in a crystal clear river that materialized in front of me so I once again would observe my past, but this time, with no pain, no fear, and no sorrow.

  My heart was beating rapidly and I was afraid to lose consciousness because of the emotions that were beginning to get to me, but I felt a hand to grasp me, the same hand that was with me when I fell from t
he waterfall and it looked like the hand withdrew all fear and insecurity that wanted to take control of me.

  “Trust me, Sophia. I'll just show you your past to heal you and you will learn to live with it, without the fear that it determines your future.”

  And I saw myself in the mirror, at sea, with the face that I had as a teenager. Roy was there and he did not observe me. I tried to draw his attention, but he was not looking at me. His friends were also there, making sure that Roy would not approach me and I was taken by a lot of pain. The pain of rejection.

  Around Roy's friends, a black cloud hovered just above their heads and around their heads were the same monsters I had seen in the nurse Mara. I was surprised when I saw that this cloud also hung in front of me, as if taking my vision and preventing me from seeing the light that was there trying to get my attention off of Roy's friends.

  “In addition to what we see Sophia, there is also an invisible world operating down below. People see the natural, physical, but cannot see a whole organized unseen world going on around them.” God warned me.

  Within that lake I was surrounded by a whirlwind and a flow that transported me to another place. I made a trip and saw facts of my life that I had forgotten, or perhaps had blocked due to the pain that they caused me. But there, as I relived them, that pain was taken away from me and it began to be simply part of a past that had been so tragic for me that I had chosen to forget it.

  The Voice also took me to good moments of my life. I saw smiles and joys in various parts of the moments that I lived. But even in these happy moments, to me they were not complete because at that time, I thought life without Roy made no sense.

  Within seconds, in that sea, I went around the world of my life. I relived good and also traumatic times and was ready to get out of this trip, healed, a new person, because the voice that spoke with me had made me relive the past, only to bring me healing and to fill the void that had long insisted on living inside of me.