On a Gamble

by Rose Lange

  “This ‘stupid fucking business deal’ is very important, Alex. You knew from the start.”

  Alex walked toward the desk, planting his hands down on the mahogany surface, and leaned forward. “When I do go back, and I will go back. It won’t be for this business deal I promise you that.”

  Then he turned and walked out without another word.

  Charlie hibernated in her room for a day, if that, before coming to her senses. As much as this break-up pained her, and thoughts of Alex made her want to cry, she wanted to be strong. No, she needed to be strong. She’d not go down the same road she did before.

  At the same time her gut burned with anger, betrayal, and just plain, what the hell happened? What had changed in twenty-four hours? The question rolled around in her mind on repeat, but she couldn’t find the answer.

  She despised the brief lapse in weakness, hated it to the marrow of her bones. When she’d discovered her husband’s affair, she’d been livid with anger, hurt, and betrayal.

  The hurt with Alex cut deeper, because she’d not only bared her body for him, but when they’d made love, she’d bared her whole being. And felt him down to her very soul and spirit, not only physically, but emotionally. Needing him in every way a woman could need a man. Honestly, she’d never been that naked with a man before, and realized that was probably why this was ten times as painful.

  The next day, she decided a run would cure what ailed her. Despite the chillier temperatures, she didn’t care, as she bundled up, and made her way out. She popped her ear buds in, turned up the sounds of U2 on her iPod, and went full steam ahead. The sun just started coming up for the horizon, as twilight still hovered over the sleepy earth. Not a soul was around, and she relished the solitude. Then her thoughts inevitably veered toward Alex, and her heart ached all over again.

  She didn’t think it was possible to fall in love with someone so fast, but Alex wormed his way into her heart, and buried himself there. He’d made her trust again, only to have it blow up in her face.

  Thoughts of him, and that awful morning, only made her run harder. She pushed his memory out of her head. He didn’t need to be there, crowding her mind with foolishness.

  Losing track of time, she didn’t know how long she’d been running at this speed. She paused. Leaning over, she braced her hands on her knees, and took a deep breath, her lungs burned with exertion. Her empty stomach gurgled in protest, as she’d not even thought to eat before leaving.

  Already feeling better, she slowly walked the rest of the way home. Her anger assuaged for now. Making her way down the driveway, she stopped. A familiar truck parked at the end sent her stomach catapulting to the vicinity of her feet.

  She spied Alex, seated on the front porch. Fresh waves of hurt, and anguish coursed through her. Made her feel light headed, and weak. Even if she wanted to blame it on the run, she knew otherwise. Shit, I hate these feelings he brings out in me.

  Placing her hands on her hips, she gathered courage she didn’t feel. She pulled herself together, and head held high, approached him. He arose to greet her, and for a moment, neither spoke. What was left to say? He’d made his choice loud and clear. She didn’t realize how much she’d missed him until now, and as much as she hated him, she also wanted to fall into his arms, and pretend they never broke up.

  She bit her lower lip, and hoped like hell he couldn’t read her face. Which had Alex-please-make-love-to-me written all over it. As she gazed into those sexy, warm brown eyes, her heart melted. Her body weakened. Oh how she hated her body’s strong reaction to him, when her mind was still boiling mad. His proximity, his scent, the all-encompassing emotions swirling inside came to a head.

  God damn her body for betraying her, for her thoughts turning so rapidly, making a complete one eighty at the mere sight of him. He stood there, looking effortlessly, and annoyingly good. Hands in his pockets.

  “Hi,” he murmured.

  “You have a helluva lot of nerve. What are you doing here?” Bravado exploded in heaping loads, even if she felt anything but brave.

  “I came to apologize”—he began—“I’m sorry I hurt you, Charlie.”

  “I want you to leave.”

  Moving closer, he put his hands on his hips. Briefly, he glanced at the ground, a look of remorse and regret crossing his features. She should invite him in considering the cold weather, but God help her she just didn’t want to. Not willing to just allow him to waltz back into her life as if nothing happened.

  “Charlie, please. If you’d let me explain,” he pleaded.

  “I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. But I have some things I’d like to say.” She paused, gathered her thoughts. “I want to know what we are. Do you even know?”

  “Do you?”

  His challenge through her completely off guard, and left her feeling like an airless balloon. The truth was, she didn’t know. She liked to think they’d been seeing each other, and had feelings for each other. But using the terms boyfriend and girlfriend seemed too juvenile.

  Their intimate moments seeped into her brain at a rapid rate. The time up in the hayloft shone with stunningly great detail in her mind’s eye. The time in his condo, up against his door not even making it to his bedroom, but then they had made love there eventually. Beads of sweat gathered on her forehead, and she brushed it away, annoyed. Recalling their powerful lovemaking, her stomach twisted in knots at the emotional memories. Realizing he’d also touched her without having used his hands. The explosive, emotional charge she felt being with him is what killed her. The imprint he’d left on her soul, and intimacy they shared that went beyond the bedroom.

  Then that next morning sprang to mind, when he’d rained gentle kisses all over her face. He’d held her in such a gentle, reverent manner. Shoving the memories down deep, she attempted to keep her mind clear.

  As much as she hated him, she loved him just as much.

  “Charlie?”

  She jumped, his voice startling her. One hundred percent sure her face colored with guilt at having been caught daydreaming for who knows how long. Her eyes snapped up to meet his, holding his steady gaze. “No, I don’t, but that’s not the point. I asked you first.”

  “I care about you. I know that much.”

  Her stomach fluttered at his words, but the angry, twice scorned side killed those flutters. Her anger grabbed swift hold. “I’m sorry, but I can’t just take you back, Alex. Please leave.”

  He nodded. Shoulders slumped in defeat, he said, “Okay, let me know when you’re ready to talk.”

  He slowly made his way back to his truck, glancing backward for a millisecond, as if hoping she might change her mind.

  Before he even entered his truck, she hauled ass up the stairs, and into the house.

  Locking the door with a decisive click, she sagged against it. Easing her body slowly down, until her bottom touched the floor. She hugged her knees to her chest, willing the tears away, but they came anyway. Soaking her damp with sweat running pants, as her carefully preserved bravado and self-control unraveled rapidly. Silently, she allowed the tears to keep coming, in hopes of purging Alex from her system.

  Dear God, when will the pain stop?

  That night at dinner, Charlie didn’t say much. She hadn’t told either of her grandparents that Alex had stopped by, didn’t wish to talk about him. Oddly enough, she didn’t even have a reason. She just, didn’t want to.

  Staring, unfocused eyes at the cabbage rolls, she pushed the food around on her plate, prompting grandma to gently nudge her.

  Charlie set her fork down, and looked up into her eyes.

  “I wish you would eat something, darling,” she said.

  “I’m not hungry, Grandma.” Normally a favored dish, any thought of food right now made her sick to her stomach.

  Alex’s
visit this morning still made her irrationally want to cry. She figured as long as he wasn’t around physically, she’d been okay. Then, bam! He’d shown up and it all went down the tubes. Something about him grabbed a hold of her, and would not let go. Mixed emotions coursed through her, and she wished she could contain them. The love, the angst, the hate, the passion from these last few weeks tied her stomach in knots.

  “Honey, if it’s meant to be it will be,” Grandma Pearl placed a comforting hand to hers, as if she could read her mind, and knew she was thinking of Alex.

  Normally, those trite words coming out of anybody else wouldn’t make her feel any better, but for some reason coming from grandma, they comforted, and soothed. She smiled, hanging on to her hand. “I’d like to go upstairs and lie down.”

  Her grandma and grandpa nodded, not commenting further.

  As Charlie got up from the table, an intense cramp vibrated through her lower abdomen. She frowned, shook it off, and kept walking. Then another, more powerful one overcame her, and she desperately clung to her mid-section, attempting to stop the pain. But it swiftly took over, hitting her like a tidal wave. Doubling over, she dropped to her knees. “Grandma, I don’t feel so good.”

  Within moments, Grandma Pearl was at her side, helping her up off the floor. She guided Charlie upstairs to the bathroom, and shut the door partway, allowing her privacy.

  Charlie pulled her bottoms off, and her mouth parted. Horrified at the sight of blood, her knees gave way and she passed out.

  Chapter 12

  Opening her eyes, she studied her foreign surroundings. She remembered the pain, the panic, and the blood.

  She looked down to see an IV in her arm, plain white blankets draped over her, and she wore one of those blue-checkered hospital gowns that didn’t close up in the back. Hospital smells of sickness, and cleaning solution made her scrunch her nose. A nurse exited the room, but her grandma remained. Sitting next to her, she appeared distraught, as she wrung a soggy tissue with her delicate crepe paper hands. Puffy, red-rimmed eyes greeted her, making her stomach turn over.

  This could not be good.

  “Grandma?”

  “Yes, Charlie? How are you feeling, honey?”

  “I’m still in some pain, but okay otherwise. Why am I here?”

  Grandma took a deep breath and held it, as though the entire world would explode if she were to let go.

  Then she took her hand, and said, “Charlie, I’m sorry, but you lost the baby.”

  With those words Charlie jumped, attempting to sit up straighter in this god awfully uncomfortable bed. The pain stabbed her midsection once more, making her back down as she slunk back onto the bed.

  “Baby? What baby?” she practically screeched.

  Charlie tried to fill her lungs with air, but only found herself hyperventilating. She’d been pregnant? Good grief how on earth did that go unnoticed? Years ago, when she’d been trying to conceive, her doctor told her it’d be difficult. How was this possible, and why now? It was like a scene out of that TV show, where women don’t realize they’re pregnant, until they’re about to give birth. Her thoughts inevitably drifted to Alex, and she tried to fight the tears, because she refused to shed any more tears for that wretched man.

  “Where’s Grandpa?”

  “He’s calling Alex.”

  Charlie saw red. Hadn’t she suffered enough without him being here? Even if it meant getting through this hard time alone, she didn’t want to see him, the risk of falling apart at the seams too high. She vehemently shook her head. “No! I don’t want him here.”

  “He has a right to know, honey.”

  Before she could open her mouth to further protest, a light rap sounded at the door. Alex entered, and her grandma said a quick hello to him, before quietly excusing herself. He came closer, and his comforting scent permeated the room. Filled her nostrils. And nearly made her lose the last thread of already worn down senses.

  This is the last fucking thing I need.

  Charlie didn’t want to see the bastard. She hitched a breath, not having seen him in a couple days, was like seeing him again for the first time. Struggling with her emotions, she covered her now empty womb, thinking that only the day before, she’d been carrying his baby. And more frustratingly, hadn’t even known it. She clenched her jaw in a vain attempt to keep herself together. Her heart constricted painfully in anguish, anger, and sought revenge. All she wanted was to throw him out on his ass, and left alone in her misery. Was that so much to ask considering what she’d been through?

  Why me, why was this happening?

  The IV got in the way as she attempted to cross her arms. She pursed her lips, assessing his ragged appearance. His hair rumpled, jaw unshaven with more than a few days of stubble, shirt un-tucked and wrinkled. His sweater on backwards underneath his coat, like he’d grabbed whatever had been within reach, and raced here. Taking some comfort in that, her anger lessened a tiny fraction.

  “How are you feeling?”

  “Fine. Now get out.” Her tone clipped.

  “All things considering, I have a right to be here.”

  “Like hell you do. Get. Out,” between gritted teeth.

  “I’m not leaving.”

  “Just what part of get out don’t you understand?”

  “Just what part of I’m not leaving don’t you understand?” He countered, and the stubborn man stood there.

  Charlie closed her eyes momentarily, praying that maybe this had all been a bad dream. That he wasn’t here. That she hadn’t just miscarried their baby. Their baby. Their-baby . . .

  Honestly, she wanted to be alone in her grief, and crawl under the biggest rock she could find, and hide. Humiliated that she’d not even known she was pregnant, and wishing she had because she’d have relished it. None of the usual signs presented themselves. No morning sickness or fatigue, and she hadn’t felt any different. This child, literally, had slipped right through her fingers. Crushed her already frail spirit, and put the last nail on the coffin of her heart.

  “Jesus, Charlie. Why didn’t you tell me you were pregnant?”

  “I didn’t know.” Her voice a near whisper.

  She shifted her glance away, looking at anything and everything besides Alex. Focusing on the blinds, she watched as the heat from the vents made them dance, watched the cars coming and going outside. She was dying on the inside, emotionally and physically, but she’d be damned if she’d show it.

  As if a reflex took hold, she clutched her stomach, trying to fight back tears. She’d lost her baby. A baby she hadn’t even known existed, and there was nothing she could do to bring him or her back. Conception and pregnancy would, and had always been a challenge. And now, her worst nightmare, she’d lost a baby she hadn’t even known existed. She wanted to die, wanted to scream at the injustice of it all. Torn between wanting to hold Alex close, and kill him at the same time.

  “You didn’t know?”

  “Are you hard of hearing? I would’ve told you if I’d known. Besides, you didn’t want this baby anyway.” And she was angry at how small and frail her voice sounded, keeping her focus lowered to her intertwined, nervous fingers.

  “How can you say that?” he shot back.

  The bed dipped as he sat next to her, and for a moment neither spoke. Then she remembered the incoherent mutterings of the nurse. She’d been a little over a month along. Maybe not long for someone else, but for her it had been long enough.

  “Well”—her lower lip quivered—“you didn’t want me, so what makes you think you would have wanted this baby?” Still not ready to look him in the eye, she plucked at the plain white bed sheets. Afraid if she did, a large flood of tears would surely erupt. That she’d make a total fool of herself.

  His voice cut the maddening silence in half. “Charlie, why won
’t you look at me?”

  Still avoiding his direct gaze, she took a deep breath before speaking, “I don’t want you here. Please. Go.”

  Within moments his warm, strong hand cupped the underside of her chin. Forcing her to meet his gaze, surprised at what she found. Hurt, grief, pain, and anger mixed in the cocoa brown depths. Sincerity shone through like a beacon of hope, for them, for their future. Without words, she could see he grieved the loss as his eyes shimmered with moisture. But within moments, doubt swooped in and took hold, dashing her hopes away.

  He’d hurt her once. What made her think he wouldn’t do it again?

  “What do you want from me?” she whispered.

  “I’m sorry I hurt you, Charlie. I care about you, please believe me. When your Grandpa called and told me what happened, I came as quickly as I could.”

  She scoffed, trying to keep the tears at bay. But they already welled in her eyes, blurring her vision. “Well, you have a funny way of showing you care.”

  Alex’s steadfast gaze never wavered. “I guess I got scared. I haven’t felt this way about anyone in a long time. Actually, I’ve never felt this way about anyone.”

  She had to admit, if only to herself, that she could relate. Part of her was still angry, and another part wanted to forgive him. What a fucking mess.

  “I want to be left alone now. Please,” she murmured, and watched as his shoulders slumped. The look of defeat crossed his features as he pulled away.

  “All right, I’ll see you later I guess.” Then quietly started to make his way out.

  Her eyes drifted toward his retreating form, pulling at her heartstrings. Unwillingly, her mind flashed to their first kiss, their first date, the first time they’d made love.