Being Invisible

by Penny Baldwin

  “Do you need some ice?” I ask, not sure what to do to help him.

  “No I’m fine. Just took my by surprise, that’s all.”

  “Okay. Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. Why don’t you go ahead and swing, and I’ll just stay over here. Away from the other golfers.” He sits on the bench and watches me.

  I hit the ball, and I am excited when I get a hole in one.

  “Did you see that? Hole in one.”

  “Technically, it’s a two since you started over.”

  “But you gave me the mulligan.”

  “Yeah. We won’t count it, but I’m just saying.”

  “Oh, Okay. Well, Go ahead.”

  His club makes contact with his ball, and it looks like it’s going to go in, but at the last second it veers to the right.

  “I don’t get it. I had that lined up.” Dave leans down low to eye the hole.

  “Guess the hole is sloped.”

  “I don’t think so.” He hits the ball again, and this time it sinks into the hole.

  By the sixth hole I am only two strokes behind him, which seems to fuel his frustration.

  It’s in that moment when I realize something.

  This guy is actually more competitive than I am.

  That cannot be good.

  The sixth hole has one hole that you drop your ball into, but it leads into another green that has a second hole. Since the first whole doesn’t really matter, I close my eyes and let the ball go where it wants. It feels kind of freeing to just let it go.

  David, of course, lines up the shot like he’s trying to figure out whether to pull the green wire or the red one.

  Is this how I am when I get competitive?

  I make a mental note to apologize to my friends when I get home.

  Right before David hits his ball, he drops his club.

  “Something just stung me.” He touches the part of his neck that hurts, but it’s in an area that he can’t see.

  “Let me check for you.” I pull down the neck of his shirt a little to see the spot.

  “I don’t really see anything.” I say as I attempt to look closer. The situation is starting to feel a little more intimate than I meant, so I start to pull away. Just then, David turns and catches my lips with his.

  Taken too off guard to react, I let him kiss me. It’s not a bad kiss at all. He’s gentle and sweet. But I’m pissed. Because I realize in that moment that Colin’s kiss has ruined me for all future kisses. No one will ever be able to stack up.

  Damn you and your super kissing abilities, Colin.

  Before I have a chance to pull away, David suddenly stops the kiss. I look at him in confusion before I realize he’s been hit with a ball again, this time hitting his shoulder.

  “Are you kidding me?” David looks around trying to find the culprit. When he sees the teenagers coming closer, he starts to head that way. “I’ll be back. I need to get those kids to stop their flying balls from hitting me.” The way he says it, he’s not all that upset. He really is laid back-except, for some reason, when it comes to mini golf. Weird.

  I look where my ball went, thinking about how I am going to hit it, when David comes back. “They said it wasn’t them. They seemed legit. Must be some other terrible player, or a guy with a vengeance against me.” He laughs then lines up his club.

  Wait a second.

  David was hit with a ball.

  Twice.

  But no one did it.

  And he was stung. But by a bug that I didn't see and left no mark.

  You have got to be kidding me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Liz’s Songs That Say I’m Sorry…for Bad Setups With Hot Guys

  David continues to talk, but I’m not entirely sure what he’s saying. Something about a backpacking trip he’s taking, I think.

  All I can think of is how Colin is probably watching everything I’m doing, and how it’s wrong on so many levels.

  I really want to tell him that he’s sunk to an invisible low, but I need to get him alone first.

  David sinks his ball in two strokes, and then waits for me to go.

  Needing a way to talk to Colin, I hit the ball as hard as I can into the cave.

  “Aw man. I hit it too hard. Looks like I'm going to be way behind again.

  We’re on the seventh hole, and the cave is the eleventh hole, so I figure it’s far enough out of the way that I will be able to talk to Colin alone.

  I start to head up the hill, and then turn back to David. "You go ahead to the next hole. I'm going to find my ball, then I'll catch up."

  "You sure? I can wait."

  "No!" I say it a little too eagerly, so I try again. "I mean, it's okay, I don't want to hold you up. I'll be right there."

  "Okay. I’ll see you in a sec." He moves on, and I breathe a sigh of relief.

  I practically run up into the cave. "Okay, Colin. What are you doing here?" I don't even pretend like I wasn't sure he would follow me to the cave.

  Luckily, he doesn't pretend like he hasn't been stalking me on my date. He appears beside me leaning against the inside of the cave, arms crossed, just like I am.

  "What the hell?" It's all I can get out in my state of disbelief and anger.

  "Exactly. 'What the hell?' is right, Luce. You know I'm getting you back, right?" He doesn't wait for my response before continuing his tirade. “I know you didn't promise anything, but you couldn’t have waited more than a week before going on a date with Captain Douchebag?"

  "A, its one date. And B, what makes you so sure he's a douchebag?"

  "Were we on the same date? Because the date I was on was with a guy who made you take a point on the first hole."

  I stare at him with a look of shock mixed with confusion before I answer him. "You are not on a date. I am on a date!"

  "You know what I mean. Not the date I was on, I meant the date that I was watching."

  "Not any less creepy, Colin."

  "Hey, I told you that I wasn't going to play fair, and I'm not."

  "You also said that you were going to make things better, but yet you spent the last week working more than you ever have- oh wait, not the entire week, you did have time to hang out with random girls."

  "Look who's been keeping tabs on me." Colin smirks, which just pisses me off.

  “I'm not keeping tabs. I just hear things. And I didn't sneak into your date and throw things at her."

  "That wasn't a date. It was the research team for NionCorp. I wouldn't go on a date with someone else while trying to get you back."

  "Oh, that's right, you just like to go on dates with other guys who are on a date with me."

  "Lucy Marie Sayre, you are driving me insane. You know, seeing you kiss him just about killed me."

  I soften a little at his admission. I know how I would feel. My eye-gouging scenario comes to mind.

  "I didn't mean to kiss him. It took me by surprise. If it makes you feel any better, I don't think any other man I kiss will ever compare to you."

  "Uh, no. There will never be a scenario in which you kissing another guy will make me feel better."

  I manage a laugh, and shove him lightly. "You know what I mean."

  Suddenly, Colin moves so close to me that I can feel his breath on my neck.

  "I'm not sure I do. Can you be more specific? Are you comparing them to this?" He leans in, then plants a soft, lingering kiss on my lips, before pulling away to look into my eyes.

  “Or were you comparing him to something more along the lines of this?" This time he intensifies the kiss, placing a hand behind my head to keep me where he wants me, and slipping his tongue in my mouth. I accept it eagerly, standing up on my tiptoes to reach him better. I almost completely forget about David, until I hear his voice.

  Colin, who apparently has more sense than me, disappears as soon as he hears someone coming.

  "Uh...you okay?"

  His face, full of confusion, makes me realize how ridiculous I must
look. I'm leaning against the cave, no ball in my hand, seemingly either playing hide-and-go-seek or just really enjoying the view...of the cave. How do I explain this?

  "Oh hey, Colin.” Damn. “I mean David."

  Nice recovery, Luce. Now what am I going to do?

  "I'm sorry, Lucy. When you didn't come back right away, I figured you were embarrassed about the game. I thought I might find you moping."

  Okay, that works. We'll go with that.

  Even though it does kinda make him seem like a jackass, I don't think I could have come up with a better explanation, so moping it is.

  "As soon as I finished playing the last three holes, I came to check on you."

  "So you came to check on me because it was time to play this hole."

  "No. I was going to check on you regardless. It just worked out. Now we can just pick up on this hole. You can take par for the last few.”

  "So we're still scoring. Even though I'm obviously broken up about how very bad I am, we're still gonna keep score?" I want to roll my eyes, but I stop myself. Colin is so laughing at me right now. I don't want to give him more fodder.

  "We don't have to. I just thought we might make a fun little bet. Like if I win we go back to my place. If you win, we go back to yours."

  What the hell?

  "I'm not... we're not... no one's having sex tonight."

  "Oh, no. I didn't mean...it doesn't have to be tonight."

  Deep calming breath.

  I look up to the sky for inspiration.

  Seriously? This is the date that is going to rip the Band-Aid off?

  "I have an idea. If you win, I will go back to your place tonight. If I win..." I pause for effect. It seems to be working by the way he's mentally undressing me right on the twelfth hole. "You give me a hundred dollars." I say.

  "Okay... I'm like nine points ahead of you so, whatever."

  That is true. He is way ahead of me. But I have a secret weapon in the form of an invisible ex-boyfriend who is not, in any way shape or form, going to allow me to lose this bet. At least I hope not.

  Wait. Shit. He’s still here, right?

  My worry fades with the next hole. Somehow, I get a hole in one, while David gets it really close to the hole three times before knocking it in.

  Would it be weird to take my invisible ex on all of my dates, just in case? Yeah that would be weird.

  Throughout the rest of the game, I really get the hang of this whole golf thing, while David just can't seem to get it together.

  I don't even mind when, during one of David's turns, Colin puts his invisible arms around me and kisses my neck. I don't want him to think that everything is fine between us, so I subtly swat him away… but I wait a little bit first, because it feels good to have those kind of chills again.

  By the time the game is over, Colin has managed to grab my ass twice, kiss me twice on my neck, three times on my cheek and once on my inner thigh, just above the bottom of my shorts. Somehow he manages to touch me in some way the entire time.

  Good news is I'm up by two.

  "Were you hustling me, Lucy?" David smiles, while moving closer to me at the same time.

  There is no way this guy is going to kiss me while Colin stands here and watches.

  Before he can get too close I wander off to put my golf club back.

  "Hustle you? No. I wouldn't do that." I wouldn't. Seriously. I really suck at golf.

  "I had a really great time tonight. I was thinking that maybe I could give you that hundred I owe you at our next date."

  I don't know what to do at this point, so I give up and decide for honesty.

  "I had a nice time too but for some reason, I can’t seem to get my ex-boyfriend out of my mind. I have no idea why." I aim the last part of my sentence at Colin.

  "Sounds like you are in major need of a rebound man."

  I laugh. "You might be right. But, not yet."

  "Okay. Well you have my number. Text me anytime. How about if I walk you to your car?"

  I don't want to risk him trying to kiss me at my car, so I decline and tell him that I need to go freshen up in the bathroom before I meet my parents for dinner. We exchange goodbyes and I head to the bathroom.

  Once the door closes, I breathe a sigh of relief that it's all over. Of course it’s not long before Colin is at my side again.

  “Deciding to be visible for a change?” I don’t even look at him. I just focus on my image in the mirror, fixing stray hairs and checking my lipstick.

  "I locked the door. I just want a little time with you, without the sleaze ball. It tears me up to be this close to you and not be able to be with you.”

  I look up at the ceiling and roll my eyes in exasperation.

  "Colin, What am I suppose to do? Can you give me some kind of timeline here? Should I wait for you to figure it all out for what, a month? Two months? A year? Is that what you want me to do? Not date anyone? Pine for you? Wait for you, like I did while we were together, with no end in sight?"

  I give up on pretending to fix my hair and stare at his reflection. I'm not even mad anymore. Right now I just feel sadness for us both. So close and yet so far away.

  Colin stares back at my image. He looks pained. So do I.

  "You're right, Lucy. I'm not being fair. You deserve so much more. And I'm working on it. I am. But..." He takes a deep breath before he continues. It seems almost like he's choking back tears. "I don't want you to wait for me anymore. You should be able to date other guys. I can't expect you to sit around while I figure my shit out.”

  I surprise myself by saying the words out loud that I meant to keep in my head. "I love you so much, Colin. And I am really happy you were here tonight. You made my night bearable- even kind of...fun. Ridiculously weird, and really uncomfortable, but...fun.”

  He smiles before adding, "but?"

  I start to think of all the things I want to tell him about how it's unfair to me to make me feel this way, but I can’t bring myself to do it.

  "No but. I just wanted you to know. Thanks. For tonight."

  Colin seems taken aback. He looks at me for understanding, possibly waiting for me to change my mind. He must come to the conclusion that there’s nothing more to it, because he pulls me in for a hug.

  "You are the most amazing person I have ever met. And I know I don't deserve you." He pulls back so that I can see in his eyes. "But I am so lucky to have had the chance for you to be mine. Thank You for loving me for so much longer than you should have." He touches his lips to mine, waiting for my reaction. When I don't object, he pulls me to him and kisses me with everything he has.

  I know his lips well. I can tell when he's teasing me with his kiss, or seducing me with it. I can tell when it’s a thank you kiss, or if he's missing me. I can even tell when he’s kissing me because he’s done something wrong, and he’s trying to butter me up before telling me what it is.

  This kiss is different. I know he loves me and misses me, but that’s not what this kiss is about. This isn’t a kiss he has given me before. But it doesn't matter. I know him, and I can still tell what it means. This kiss means goodbye. This kiss... is letting me go.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Songs That Make You Feel Better

  The sun creeps into my room, waking me up from a dream- filled sleep. I glance at the time.

  6:30am.

  Damn it. It’s Saturday. Why am I up?

  I throw the pillow over my head, hoping to trick my brain into going back to sleep.

  No such luck.

  I take the time to relax in bed. Annie has started staying at her place again, and Liz is out of town with Drew. I’m going to have the house all to myself this weekend.

  I made myself a list of fun things to do over the next couple days, and I’m kind of stoked about it. I’m thinking about checking off number one now: make blueberry pancakes from scratch. Then again, I could stay in bed and pick up pancakes later.

  I have been thinking about calling Colin today. It�
��s been awhile since I saw him, and I’d like to see how he’s doing. Liz told me that he’s been working day and night. I miss him, and I still worry about him.

  I let my mind wander for about a half an hour, but finally decide to get up go for an early morning run.

  As I pass by the shops near my neighborhood, I am reminded of Colin. I smile thinking about all the mornings we ran and all the times he bought me coffee afterwards.

  The song ‘All I Want Is You’ starts to play on my mp3 player, and I purposely run by places that remind me of him. The three different coffee shops, all within a block of each other, where we went to find the best coffee when we first moved here. The little shop where we tried to find a lamp for my place that we both liked since one day we would both use it. The bookstore where he always tried to convince me to leave by kissing me on the neck and whispering what he would do when we got back. Eventually he would give up and promise me cookies if we could go.

  By the time I made it back home, I was out of breath. I liked our memories, and I didn’t want them to end. I ran five miles, listening to our music and seeking out our places.

  I collapse into the family room chair, ready to go back to bed. Instead I decide I better take a shower. As I head past the phone, I see that I have a missed call. I check my voicemail while gathering clean clothes and linen. I stop when I hear Colin’s voice.

  “Hey, Lucy it’s me.” Why does he sound so bad? “As you can probably tell, I’m sick. I can’t really go to the doctor. Drew’s gone too, and there’s really no one else I can tell. Anyway, I was just wondering if you could bring me some pain reliever. My throat is killing me. Don’t worry about it if you’re busy. I’ll be fine. Hope you’re doing well. Bye.”

  Before his message is even over, I am making a list. His favorite soup, tomato from The Corner Lunch, Ginger ale with a straw, bottles of Advil and Tylenol, and my special super soft blanket because all of his suck.

  After picking up food, I get to his apartment in less than an hour. He may never be mine again, but there will never be a time that I won’t be there when he needs me.

  I knock on the door, and a full minute passes before he answers. He looks as bad as he sounds. His hair is even more disheveled than usual, and it seems less…washed. His usually clean-cut face is unshaven, and his eyes are hooded. He smiles when he sees me.