Fighting with Shadows

by Beryl Matthews

  ‘Lunch is ready,’ Hetty called as soon as the music stopped.

  It was a tense meal. Everyone was doing all they could to make Gerda feel comfortable, but she said little and only toyed with her food. A deep sense of unease was seeping through Angie. In his eagerness to have his sister with him, Dieter had taken her away from the only people she knew, and for whom she had great affection. The man who claimed to be her brother was a stranger, and this a foreign country to her. Was it any wonder that she looked confused and unhappy?

  Angie helped Hetty with the washing-up. ‘It’s going to take time for Gerda to settle down.’

  ‘Yes, it is, and unless she gets her memory back, I have my doubts she ever will. Evidently the General suggested that she come for a holiday to see if she likes it here.’ Hetty shook her head sadly. ‘But Dieter intends her to stay, and I fear he is going to be disappointed.’

  ‘Perhaps we’re worrying too much.’ Angie stacked the last of the plates, and hung the teacloth by the stove to dry. ‘Once she gets used to being here, I expect she’ll settle down.’

  ‘Ah,’ said Hetty, ‘Danny’s showing Dieter what he’s learnt while he’s been away. Let’s go and listen.’

  Angie grinned. ‘You sure? I don’t find scales, or whatever they are, very interesting.’

  ‘Give him a couple of years and beautiful music will fill your little cottage.’ Hetty took her arm and pushed her through the door, laughing.

  ‘I can’t wait.’

  The April term had started and Dieter was enjoying the first week of his new job. A few of the older students showed promise, though others just wanted to make a noise with any instrument to hand. He was trying to give lessons that were as much fun as possible and spending extra time with those who had a love of music.

  Much to his delight he had not met with any hostility because he was German – quite the opposite in fact. The welcome he had received from everyone was friendly.

  The sun was warm on his back as he watched a group of boys playing football during the lunch break.

  ‘Come on, sir.’ A boy named David kicked the ball towards him. ‘Come and join us. We’re one short on our side.’

  Without hesitation Dieter dribbled the ball towards the goal and fired. It just skimmed the top of the bar. He was out of practice. They had spent hours playing in the POW camp, but he hadn’t kicked a ball since that time.

  ‘Good try, sir.’ There was a chorus of approval as he joined them.

  Half an hour later he was puffing and laughing. The game had been boisterous and a draw, which he didn’t think was a bad thing. The youngsters were very competitive in everything they did.

  He wandered off to make himself a cup of tea in the staff room. There was a spring in his step. Everything was good. Danny was calling him Daddy. He had found his sister and she was now with him. Angie was showing a real liking for him, even affection. That made him very happy. She had courage, strength and could also be compassionate and understanding of other people’s problems. And, as Jane had been so cruelly taken from them, that made her the right person for his artistic son. His heart was full of love for his son, and his auntie was a very special woman. He really enjoyed being with her, watching her smile and seeing the sun light up her beautiful hair. There was so much about her that was appealing.

  Once his tea was made, he sat down. The staff room was empty so he could snatch a little quiet time to himself. He now had a job he loved, and a growing closeness to Danny and Angie. The only concern was Gerda, who was rather withdrawn, but that was only to be expected. They had taken her out to see the beautiful countryside, visited charming tea places and introduced her to all their friends. She hung back shyly and said little, but it was early days yet. She would eventually adjust to life in Somerset. Everyone was doing their best to make her welcome and happy. How could she not like it here? It was a beautiful place to live.

  With a smile of contentment on his face, he stood up and made his way to the music room for his next class.

  34

  Two weeks had passed, and Gerda had made no attempt to go to Bob’s parents or to join in the life of the village. Dieter was settling into his job as music teacher at the school, but Angie knew he was worried about his sister. She was listless and said very little; her smiles, when they came, were forced. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand what was being said. Her English was not as good as Dieter’s, but it was adequate.

  Angie took the rock cakes out of the oven and tipped them on to a wire rack to cool. After putting the baking tray in the sink, she stared out of the kitchen window, deep in thought. Dieter was overjoyed to have found his sister alive, but Angie caught a glimpse of something in her eyes at unguarded moments. Gerda wasn’t happy. No, it was more than that. The girl was lost, utterly lost.

  A knock on the front door cut off her concerns, and she wondered if that was the Rector with more typing for her. She spent one morning a week with him while Danny was in the church hall, but he often turned up with ‘just another little job’. He had let her bring the typewriter home now, so she could work in the evenings when Danny was asleep, if she wanted to. The arrangement suited her perfectly.

  She was smiling when she opened the front door and was surprised, but pleased, to see Gerda there. ‘Hello, do come in.’

  ‘You are on your own?’ Gerda hesitated before stepping inside and looking round anxiously.

  ‘Danny’s next door with Emma. Please sit down. Would you like a cup of tea?’

  ‘No, thank you.’ Gerda sat on the edge of a chair, twisting her hands together.

  ‘What is it?’ Angie sat opposite her. ‘Can I help?’

  ‘Yes, please.’ Her eyes filled with tears. ‘I do not know who else to go to. Dieter has much affection for you. I ask you to talk to him for me, please.’

  ‘Tell me what’s troubling you.’ The girl’s pallor alarmed Angie. ‘Has your memory returned?’

  She shook her head. ‘Nein, and I do not wish it to. The doctor at the hospital said I had been in a horror and my mind has shut it out. It is best that way.’

  ‘Tell me what I can do for you.’ Angie spoke gently, not wishing to upset her any more than necessary.

  ‘I am pleased I have a brother, and to know my real name, but …’ She gulped in a shaking breath. ‘I do not belong here. I wish to return to Germany and to the family I was with in Frankfurt.’

  ‘And you can’t bring yourself to tell Dieter, so you’d like me to do it for you?’

  When Gerda nodded, her eyes pleading, Angie felt her stomach churn uncomfortably. How could she tell him that the sister he adored wanted to leave?

  ‘I have tried to tell him, but I shall hurt him so much.’ The tears were running down her face now. ‘But I cannot stay. I have a letter from the Mansteins, and they ask when I am returning. I am like a daughter to them. They miss me and I them.’

  ‘I can understand how you must feel.’

  ‘You are all most kind, but I am unhappy for my own country.’

  Angie reached out to touch her arm in sympathy. ‘Dieter is coming round this evening, and I’ll tell him then. Would you like to be here when I do?’

  ‘No, no.’ Gerda shook her head. ‘I am a coward. He will be much upset.’

  ‘I know he will, but he is a kind man.’ Angie stood up and smiled, though it was an effort. She was dreading what she had been asked to do. ‘Now that’s settled, let’s have a cup of tea. I’ve just made some rock cakes.’

  Gerda followed her to the kitchen, looking more composed now that she had unburdened herself.

  It was nine o’clock that evening before Angie had time alone with Dieter. Danny was fast asleep upstairs, and, though the evenings weren’t as chilly now, Angie put a match to the fire in the front room. She felt chilled right through after Gerda’s visit.

  Dieter was sitting in an armchair, looking happy and content. How she hated to do this to him, but she had promised. Better get it over with.

  ‘Gerda
came to see me this afternoon.’

  He looked up and smiled. ‘That is good. She has not been interested in going out.’

  ‘There is a reason for that.’ Angie paused, looking at Dieter anxiously. ‘She talked frankly to me and has asked me to tell you how she feels.’

  He frowned and sat forward. ‘I know she is finding it difficult to adjust to life here, but why did she not tell me if something is bothering her? And I know that it is.’

  ‘She is afraid of upsetting you.’

  A shadow passed across his eyes, and his gaze held hers. ‘You had better tell me what this is all about.’

  Taking a deep breath, Angie pitched straight in. ‘She isn’t happy here, Dieter. She wants to go back to Germany and to the family she was with when you found her.’

  Angie had known it was going to hurt him, but she hadn’t been prepared for the naked pain on his face. She carried on talking, allowing him time to digest this piece of unwelcome news. ‘Gerda told me she is happy to have found her brother, and to know her real name, but she doesn’t belong here. She longs for her own country.’

  ‘But what if her memory comes back?’ Dieter had recovered and was now pacing the room. ‘If she returns to Germany, I will not be there to help her.’

  ‘It’s been five years, Dieter. If she were going to remember, it is probable she would have done so by now. She doesn’t want to know what happened to her, and can you blame her for that?’

  ‘No, I cannot.’ He turned to face her. ‘I must go to her now, let her know I understand. Tomorrow I shall make arrangements for her journey.’

  ‘Will you go with her?’

  ‘I cannot ask for time off from school yet. I have only just started and I would not want to jeopardize my position there. I love the work.’

  ‘Will she be able to travel on her own?’

  ‘I shall try to get her a flight to Frankfurt, and telegraph her friends to let them know when she is coming. They will meet her, I am sure.’ He slipped on his coat. ‘Thank you for telling me, for, as much as I want to keep her with me, I would not wish my sister to be unhappy.’

  She wanted to hug him, to give some comfort, and reached out to clasp his hand in hers. ‘You’ll be able to keep in touch now you know where she’ll be.’

  ‘Of course. Thank you, Angie.’ He gathered her into his arms and held on tightly for a few moments, then he kissed her forehead gently and stepped back.

  With a slight dip of his head he was off, striding up the road. Her heart went with him. This would be a terrible blow.

  The light was still on when Dieter walked into the kitchen of the farmhouse. His sister was sitting at the table looking so unhappy and lost, and he knew he had made a terrible mistake in urging her to come to England with him. It had been a great joy to find her, and all he had thought about was having her with him so he could take care of her. His pleading with her had been completely selfish, but he had convinced himself that she would settle down and love it here as much as he did. But all he had done was to take her away from everything and everyone she was familiar with. He had made her unhappy, and cursed silently that he had been too stubborn and blind to recognize what he was doing. He had no right to do this to her. She was not the little sister he remembered, but a grown woman who would make her own decisions. She had problems, certainly, but she had been a level-headed child, and that wouldn’t have changed.

  He stood silently in the doorway, watching her toy with the cup in front of her, knowing he had to let her go. ‘Gerda.’

  She jumped at the sound of his voice, scrambling to her feet, searching his face anxiously. ‘Angie has told you?’

  ‘Yes.’ He took hold of her shoulders and made her sit again. With an effort he managed a teasing smile. ‘Am I so frightening that you could not come straight to me with your unhappiness?’

  ‘I know how much you want me to stay with you. I was afraid you would be hurt and angry with me, so I went to Angie. She understands. I like her.’

  ‘If you could not bring yourself to tell me, then you went to the right person.’ He sat opposite her. ‘But I could never be angry with you. Tell me how you feel and why you want to go back to Germany.’

  ‘I do not belong here, Dieter.’ She rested her arms on the table and leant towards him. ‘Although I do not remember about our family, somewhere deep inside I know you are my brother. Many things you do are familiar. The way you smile, move, the tilt of your head when you are amused. I know the gestures, and I knew you played the piano like a master even before I heard you.’

  ‘You always loved me to play for you.’ His smile was wistful.

  ‘Your son is just like you. He has inherited your love of music, I think. Was it from our father that the talent comes?

  ‘Good Lord, no.’ Dieter laughed at the suggestion. ‘Our father had no time for music and I would never have touched a piano if it had not been for our mother. She was the talented one and made sure I went to a school where musical ability was nurtured.’

  ‘I know I do not play.’ She gazed into space. ‘That is a pity, for I am sure it would have brought solace during the months I was confused.’

  ‘It has helped me to cope with everything.’

  She was talking freely now, and Dieter allowed her to take the lead and jump from one subject to another. She would tell him, in her own time, how she was feeling.

  ‘I am sorry the girl who gave birth to your son is dead. Did you love her very much?’

  ‘I didn’t know at that time what I felt, but, looking back, I can honestly say that I did love her as much as I was capable of in those troubled times. I had spent four years in a POW camp, and suddenly I had a taste of freedom by working on the farm.’ He paused for a moment, and then told her all about Jane. How ashamed he was that he had taken advantage of her love for him, and then left her.

  ‘Ah, that is sad, but you must not blame yourself too much. Jane obviously knew the risks she was taking and she sent you away. You did not know about the child.’

  ‘That is true, but it does not make me feel any better. I should have insisted she keep in touch with me, and should have returned here instead of drifting around Germany.’

  ‘We are all very wise with hindsight.’ Gerda smiled at him. ‘But you have a beautiful boy, and Angie loves him much. She is a good mother to him.’

  ‘Yes, she is. I could not wish for Danny to have a better person to bring him up.’

  ‘You will marry her, yes?’

  He gave her a startled look. ‘She is in love with the General’s son, Colonel Strachan, but she has promised she will not take my son and travel the world with him.’

  ‘She will deny her own happiness for you and your son?’

  ‘That is a sacrifice I believe she is prepared to make.’

  ‘And you will allow her to do this?’ Gerda studied him intently.

  He lifted his hands. ‘What choice do I have? I have only just found my son. I cannot be parted from him. I am selfish, Gerda. Jane risked her life to give birth to Danny, and, although she is not here to tell me so, I’m sure she would want me to help him grow into a fine man. I love him all the more for her sacrifice.’

  Gerda studied him thoughtfully. ‘I do understand that, but you have not said what your feelings are for Angie.’

  ‘She is kind, determined and loves Danny very much. My gratitude and admiration for her have grown.’ He stopped and gave a deep sigh.

  ‘And that is all – admiration? Is she not beautiful and desirable as well?’

  ‘Well, yes, of course she is … What is this cross examination about?’

  ‘I am just trying to find out the truth. I believe your feelings for her are deeper than you will admit.’

  His smile held amusement. ‘You always were perceptive, little Gerda.’

  She nodded and her smile widened. It was the same teasing expression he remembered from their youth, making him lean forward and kiss her cheek. Now he felt it was time to bring the subject back
to her. ‘Why do you not feel able to stay here with us?’

  ‘You have spent many years in this country and come to know its people. You have a son, a job and friends who love you.’ She clasped her hands together tightly. ‘Apart from you I have nothing to keep me here; I have no memory of life before I woke up in the hospital. The Manstein family took me with them to Frankfurt when I was strong enough. They gave me love and a new life, and I was happy. After a while, it no longer bothered me that I knew nothing of my past. I heard about the bombing, and I think it best if I do not remember.’

  ‘Perhaps that is so.’ Dieter looked at his sister with sadness in his eyes. ‘But I do wish you remembered me. We laughed together so much as children. I adored you then, and I still do. I had resigned myself to never seeing you again, so it was such a great joy to know you were alive, but a terrible shock to discover that you did not know who I was.’

  She reached out and caught hold of his hand. ‘I do know that you are my brother and that we love each other. I am also happy to know my family name. It gives me a sense of identity I did not have before. But I cannot stay, Dieter, I must return to the only place I know as home.’

  ‘I understand that now.’ He felt as if his heart were breaking but still he smiled. ‘It is Saturday tomorrow and we shall visit the General to see if he can help get you back without delay. He is very influential in arranging things like that. And we must also tell Mrs Strachan that you will not be going to live with her.’

  ‘Thank you. I shall write to you every week.’

  ‘You be sure you do.’ Standing up, he pulled her out of her chair and hugged her, burying his face in her hair, so she wouldn’t see his tears.

  The next day the General and Mrs Strachan listened sympathetically to Gerda’s desire to return to Frankfurt.

  ‘Forgive me for coming to you with this, but I hoped you might help my sister fly back. I cannot take time from my new job at the school to accompany her overland, and she wishes to travel as soon as possible.’