Fall From Grace

by Michelle Gross

  His gaze swallowed me whole. “And?”

  “Indeed,” I inhaled. “I was right. It’s different now. We’re different. I thought we knew everything about each other… I guess there’s still so much to know.”

  “Maybe you’ve thought that, but I’ve always been waiting…”

  “Waiting for what?”

  “To grow up, so that I can discover you in a way I never have before.”

  I was wrong. It wasn’t a storm brewing.

  It was an abyss that I was falling into.

  If only I cared.

  11

  Grace age 13

  Noah age 13

  This isn’t the first time Mom’s OD’d and we’ve had to rush her to the hospital or call an ambulance, but it doesn’t change the fact that every time it happens, I think I’m finally going to lose her and my heart falls to the floor and I freak out on Dad every single time. This woman I call Mom has done nothing other than give birth to me, yet I can’t give up on her.

  I don’t know the meaning of give up. I don’t give up on myself and the things I want, and I don’t give up on the people I care about, no matter how messed up they are.

  Grace is going to worry. She gets afraid a lot and tends to worry more than a normal person. I’ll go to her as soon as I can. I’m scared too, and I feel like she’s the only person in the world that can make me better.

  N.P.

  Noah wasn’t at school the next day. It had me worried that maybe he came down with something bad because he never missed school unless that was the case, unlike me, who could just tell Mom my throat felt a little scratchy and she’d call into work so that she could take me to the doctor.

  After the back hug I gave him yesterday, we spent the rest of the evening playing video games until Dad got home. Noah had gone outside and helped him cut up some firewood because Mom and I liked using the fireplace in the winter. It was November, but I didn’t think yesterday had been too cold. Was that the reason?

  I could tell even Dustin and Mark looked a little bummed out that he wasn’t at school. Sara and Tiffany always asked me about him, this time was no different but I didn’t have an answer to give them.

  On the way home, I said to Mom in the car, “I’m going to go check on Noah.” I didn’t want her to tell me no.

  “You’ve got one minute.” I jumped out the moment she put the car in park. “Grace, I’m serious. After you check on him, hurry back. He won’t feel like coming over today if he’s sick anyway.”

  I nodded then started running across the street to the trailer park but slowed down when I saw that his dad’s beat up car wasn’t in the driveway. Did something happen? I tiptoed around the holes on their porch and knocked on the door. When no one answered, I jumped off the side and ran to where I knew Noah’s room was. I’d only been to his house a handful of times but every time I came to get Noah, his dad just told me to come on in like he didn’t care that the house was a mess or his mom was passed out on the couch. I was old enough now to understand the things his parents did, and it scared me so I could only imagine what it must feel like for Noah, watching his parents destroy themselves over a high—an escape from reality. Noah still didn’t like talking about them, sometimes I wanted to just hug him and the days I encountered what he lived through, I hoped for his parents to get better and to love him more than their drugs.

  I peeked into his window. He wasn’t lying on his bed and his light was off. No one was home. Now I was more worried than I was before. I walked back home in a slump. When I stepped through the door, Mom asked, “How’s Noah?”

  “I don’t know. Nobody’s home.”

  “I’m sure everything’s fine,” Mom told me. “You’re too young to worry this much.” That was the thing about adults, they thought being young meant your uncertainties weren’t worth the anxiety you felt.

  I knew something was wrong. It wasn’t a feeling I could make go away, at least not until Noah came home and told me everything was all right with him.

  He didn’t disappoint me and somehow, he must have known I was waiting for him because he cracked open my window silently about ten that night. All that anxiety slowly poured out as I got up out of bed and helped him with the window. He used my old playhouse that was kept next to the house to climb onto the roof so that he could reach my window. Even without the playhouse, he was tall enough now that he could probably climb up from the porch.

  Just one glance at him and I could tell he was tired, even in the dark. The way he moved through the window and the slouch in his shoulders. “Noah…” I was caught off guard when he wrapped his arms around me and hugged me like his life depended on it. “What’s wrong?” I whispered, my lips pressing into his collarbone.

  “I’m scared, Grace.” My heart dropped as I felt the first tremble rack his body, seeping into mine. Noah didn’t cry. Noah never cried—but he was crying now. “I’m afraid I’m going to lose her.”

  My throat constricted and my eyes burned with the need to cry. “Who? Your mom?”

  He nodded, still holding onto me. “She overdosed again today, the doctor told us her heart wouldn’t withstand another one—how do I make her stop, Grace, when death doesn’t even faze her?”

  “Shh,” I tried to soothe him. “Where is she now?”

  “Still at the hospital. Me and Dad just got home. She might get to come home tomorrow.” He leaned away from me, I watched in fascination and awe as he pulled himself back together after briefly falling apart in a way I had never seen before. “Do you care if I stay here and sleep tonight?”

  I shook my head in reply and he walked over to the closet where I kept the covers he used to sleep with. “No, I want us to share the bed tonight.” I didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed when I said it. I hadn’t meant the words to mean any more than what I said.

  I crawled under the covers and patted the other side. He walked over to the bed, slipping off his shoes and jacket. “I won’t do anything,” he told me quietly as he slipped under the same covers as me.

  I smiled into the darkness. “I know.”

  If I said, touch me, Noah, I knew Noah would.

  If I said, no, I knew Noah would listen.

  If I said, I want you to kiss me, then decided I’d rather not, I knew Noah would accept that I changed my mind.

  Because that was the kind of boy Noah was, and the kind of man he’d stay.

  “I want to kiss you goodnight then maybe you can hug up to me while I fall asleep,” I whispered toward his darkened face. I couldn’t see but I felt and heard as he moved in to kiss me. His lips were dry this time around, and it made me wonder how little Noah drank and ate today.

  When he pulled back away, he said, “Turn around and I’ll hold you.”

  And he did. It started out as the most comfortable position, having his arms around me, but quickly became the worst. I was sure his arm was numb underneath my head because my neck was killing me yet I didn’t move because even though our bodies were uncomfortable, our souls were at ease.

  Noah was gone before Mom woke me the next morning, like he always was.

  Only this time, it was so much more different than all the times before… And it was only the beginning.

  12

  Grace age 13

  Noah age 13

  I feel like Mom’s going through a new change, a much scarier one than I’m used to. The doctors said her heart was too weak to handle much more but the very next day, she’s already reaching for the pill bottle, and begging Dad to go out and spend our last dollar on whatever drug she’s craving. I feel like my hands aren’t big enough to get a hold of this life and what’s happening with Mom. She needs help. I can’t help her. Dad doesn’t try to, and she certainly doesn’t want it. Instead, I think she’s begging to leave this world.

  And she hates me for making her stay.

  I want to be with Grace, but here is where I have to stay until I know she’s safe from herself again.

  N.P.

  Monday
morning was another new beginning for Noah and me. Instead of sticking to our friends, we sort of just gravitated toward one another. I didn’t ask him to spend time with me at school, nor did he, but he stepped up to our table that morning and sat down with us. Sara and Tiffany held in their questions that I knew they’d save for later. With Noah there, Dustin and Mark also ended up with us. It was like that the entire day, in between our classes and at lunch, he chose to stay with me.

  I wondered what we were now? Did kissing make him my boyfriend?

  But Noah did something shocking that day. He quit the football team, something he loved. At first, I didn’t understand but as I stayed behind for cheer practice and he was walking out to catch his bus, he took my hand in his and leaned in to whisper, “I won’t get to see you until tonight, I don’t really want to leave my mom alone any more than I have to if she really came home today.” I nodded, and he left.

  Noah was terrified of something happening to her. I wiped my forehead and tried to ease away this awful feeling but I couldn’t. Noah was scared, so I was too.

  Noah didn’t come that night. He didn’t come to school the next morning, but he did come to see me the following night and I rushed to the window the moment I saw him. I had been watching for him like a hawk.

  I probably saw wrong… I waited until he stepped into the room before I grabbed ahold of his face and looked closer. “You have a black eye,” I gasped.

  He didn’t pull away, but he did try to shrug it off like it was no big deal. “She threw an ashtray at me when I wouldn’t let her take what she wanted, that’s why I didn’t go to school. I didn’t want anyone to report anything…”

  “You quit the football to stay at home more, didn’t you?” He nodded. I tugged him toward my bed and flopped down but instead of sitting down next to me, he dropped down to his knees in front of me. “What are you…” He placed his chin on my knees and looked up. I smiled and ran my hand over his dirty blond strands. “You need a bath.”

  “Do I stink?” He lifted his arm.

  “No.”

  His fingers made circles across the side of my bare legs. I always slept in shorts and tank tops, the only thing I added in the winter months were socks because my feet stayed cold. Chill bumps broke out over my legs as he continued his circles. It was weird… It kind of made me want him to touch me more. “Grace…” Noah had an intense look about him.

  “You can,” I whispered breathily.

  He looked a little taken aback. “Can what?” he asked, and I realized my mistake. I still tried to hide my face even though it was too dark to really see much more than our eyes. “Grace…” his voice held a tease. “Do what?”

  “Nothing,” I muttered.

  “Are you giving me permission to touch you more than this, Priss?”

  The answer was in the silence. He moved his chin and started pulling at my socks. “What are you doing?”

  I saw the shadow of his smile. “Where can I touch? What can I see?” He pulled my other sock off. “Show me.”

  His words sparked something in me, I was both nervous and curious of the feeling I got in the pit of my stomach from his words. I thought my curiosity was sure to win. “Um… This is a little embarrassing.”

  He rubbed the bottom of my foot and I jerked. “Stop!” I hissed through hardly controlled giggles.

  He pulled me down onto his lap so quickly, my laughing stopped before he even put his hand over my mouth. “Shh.” His face was inches from mine. “You’re gonna wake your parents.” Only I wasn’t thinking about my parents, I was thinking of the ache that clawed into my stomach. Completely foreign, a little scary, maybe I could explain it by calling it “tingles”.

  His breath tickled my chin. “I feel weird, Noah.”

  “How do you feel?”

  “I don’t want to explain it, it’s embarrassing.”

  “Do you still have your nightlight?”

  I thought about it. “It might be underneath my bed in a shoebox.”

  He moved me off his lap as he started reaching underneath the bed for the box. A few minutes later, he found one and plugged it in the wall. It lit up the room enough that I could make every part of his face. He looked a little different right now, maybe it was the shadows of the night playing tricks on me, making it feel like we were older than what we were.

  On my knees on the floor, I watched Noah move across the carpet back to me, somehow, he looked like a panther coming at me. “Why’d you want the light anyway?” I asked as he backed me against the bed and pulled my feet out from underneath my butt.

  “Can I, Grace?” he asked. I blinked then nodded my reply. He moved in for the kiss. I closed my eyes and took in the way he moved as he kissed. When his tongue slid over my lips, the kiss became something new. The moment my tongue met his, he groaned and something about the sound of him and the taste of him inside my cheeks had me wrapping my arms around his neck. He pulled away briefly and watched my expression as he tugged at the bottom of my shirt. When I lifted my arms up, he pulled it over my head and his eyes widened as he took in my ordinary white bra.

  I covered myself with my arms. “What is it?”

  He dropped his head in his hands and sighed. “They’re just… big, so much bigger than I imagined them to be.” His eyes looked a little glazed when he lifted them back up to look at me. He pulled my arms down and brought his hands around my back to unhook my bra. Now it was a lot more nerve-wracking to think of him seeing me without a bra.

  He kissed my forehead and waited for me. I slowly uncovered my breasts but before I could see his reaction, I grabbed the bottom of his shirt and pulled it up over his head. His eyes fell back on my chest afterward. Noah was wider than he used to be. His body was harder now while mine was softer.

  I spooked a little when his hand cupped my breast, then he did the same with the other, sliding my nipples between his index and middle fingers. It felt ticklish but I also thought that it kind of felt good.

  I realized I was letting Noah do things to me I said I’d never want to do. How funny growing a few years changed not just our bodies, but the way I felt and looked at Noah.

  I leaned in to kiss him and he pulled me on top of him as he fell back onto the carpet. My warmth touched his warmth, I liked the way my chest felt against his. I felt it against me, in my head I was trying to recall how the guy’s thing had looked in the video. I knew it changed and got hard like Noah’s now. I wasn’t scared because I had no plans on doing it with Noah right now. I just wanted to enjoy the way it felt to just explore him and let him feel me.

  I gasped when he kissed my neck. “Noah,” I exhaled.

  His hands slid up my legs and slowly slipped underneath my shorts until they were cupping my butt. It was a little harder to breathe quietly now, my stomach was so feathery and tingly, it started to get the best of me.

  He rolled us until he was on top of me. “Grace,” he whispered hoarsely. “Have you ever touched yourself?”

  I didn’t know what he meant. “What do you mean? Yeah, how do you think I clean myself?”

  “No, I mean have you played with yourself? Got yourself off?”

  “Oh,” I mumbled. “No, I haven’t.”

  “Let me show you how to make yourself feel good,” he told me with a kiss before he slid off to my side. Propped up on his elbow, he looked down at me as he ran his hand over my stomach.

  I sucked in. “That tickles.”

  Then he started to move his hands toward my shorts and I grabbed his hand to stop him. “If you don’t want me to touch you, let me show you with your hands,” he whispered. I brought my hand over my stomach where he placed his over mine, then he started dragging our hands inside my shorts. I lifted my head to see but Noah’s eyes were on mine, observing my reaction.

  He lowered his lips to my ear. “Now… I’m going to press my fingers over yours to show you how to move your fingers.”

  “Did you learn this from the videos?” I asked him. He nodded and pressed hi
s fingers down. I gasped as he began making circular motions with mine and his fingers. It felt weird but a good weird, and when he nibbled on my ear, I felt it down there with our fingers. “I think I want you to kiss me, Noah,” I breathed just as his hungry mouth consumed mine.

  Noah pressed his body into mine as we kissed and touched. He pulled away and lowered his mouth over my nipple before taking it in his mouth. I bucked when he did, his fingers slipped through mine and we both froze when he touched my flesh. Heat soared through me. Noah’s fingers were better than mine, I decided, and slowly pulled my hand out and when Noah began to do the same, I gripped his hand from doing so.

  “I want you to,” I whispered.

  He slipped his fingers back into my underwear and the sound that rose from his chest was louder than my own. “Grace…” But that was all he said before his mouth covered my nipple again and his fingers swirled circles over my flesh.

  I moved my hips as Noah rocked into my side and kissed and teased me in ways that built something inside me. The closer it got, the more anxious I felt until it was too much. I grabbed his hand. “Noah, stop!” I cried softly. “Something’s coming—” My feet jolted when it did happen and I let my head fall onto the carpet as the aftershocks tickled my body until I jerked over and over until he finally stopped.

  He kissed me when it was over and I smiled through the kiss. I felt like laughing because it felt so good but we had to be quiet. “Noah, that was…” I said through kisses.

  He smiled then slowly raised up. “I know, you were beautiful, but I’ve got to go.” He stood quickly and I frowned. He covered his pants up but not before I saw the shape of him or the wet spot against his jeans.

  “Did you not like it?” I stood up and covered my breasts.

  He flicked my nose, something he constantly did after that one time I did it to him, and I grabbed it. “That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard you say, of course, I did.”