Fall From Grace

by Michelle Gross

  “Then…”

  “Because I need to change… and check on my mom. Dad won’t stop her from taking anything.” He opened the window and stepped out into the night air. It was cold. “Come here.” I listened and grinned after he gave me another kiss. “Goodnight, Grace.”

  “Goodnight, Noah.”

  13

  Grace age 13

  Noah age 13

  Life is steadily falling apart. I fight my own sleep to keep an eye on Mom. Every time I do sleep, I wake up to find her passed out somewhere and my blood feels more like ice as I shake and jerk her until she finally stirs. It’s only a short bit of relief because I know I’ll fight her same demon tomorrow.

  I don’t like when Grace cries, especially when her tears are for me. I don’t ever want to be the reason for her tears.

  N.P.

  Noah didn’t come back to school until his black eye was gone. He hadn’t visited me anymore at night since the night he touched me last week, but he made some time to come over and talk to me for a few minutes every day. It wasn’t nearly enough but I didn’t want anything bad to happen to Noah’s mom either.

  But I wondered how long he could keep her from her choices?

  That Monday when he came back, Noah dodged and answered questions like a pro about why he hadn’t been at school. He didn’t tell the truth. Even when he told my parents, he made it sound like his mom hit him by accident, neither of them said anything about it but the way my dad watched him that day sent a bad feeling in my stomach, like maybe he waited for the day to Noah to end up like his parents.

  It had been seven years since we moved to this town and it hadn’t taken half of those to learn the reputation of The Phillips. They lied, they stole, and they did drugs. When Dad’s weed-eater was stolen last year, the first person he had assumed it had been was Noah’s dad. And if I really looked closer, I saw the way he watched Noah since then. If I hadn’t begged Dad that day, I knew he would have gone over to their house and confronted them.

  Maybe it had been since then, or the day that Noah became a teen, that Dad occasionally watched him with a penetrating stare. I wondered if Noah sensed the way he watched him sometimes.

  That evening at dinner, Mom said, “Noah hasn’t been coming over a lot this week.”

  I took a bite of my mashed potatoes. “He’s been busy.” I wouldn’t say things behind Noah’s back.

  Mom frowned. “I just hated to see him quit the football team. He was our best player.”

  “Noah quit football?” Dad interjected, taking a little more interest than I liked. “Why did he do that?”

  “He’s just… trying to be there for his Mom,” I managed to say.

  “You mean, keeping her from OD-ing again,” Dad muttered under his breath.

  “Steven!” Mom hissed.

  “Yeah, actually.” I lifted my head. “No matter what, she’s his mom. Of course, he’d want to save her!”

  “You can’t save someone that doesn’t want to be saved,” Dad told me. “Noah’s a good kid, but I’m afraid with the way things are going, he’s going to turn out just like his parents.”

  “Steven,” Mom sighed.

  “Dad!” I snapped. “This is Noah! My best friend, Noah, you are talking about. The boy that carries the groceries in for Mom every single Sunday and the one that helps you carry in wood in the winter and the boy that cuts our grass in the summer. Heck, he cuts everyone’s grass in the summer and gets paid for it! Don’t belittle him when he’s genuinely good and chooses to love his parents despite what little they do for him.”

  I stood up to leave. “Sit back down, Grace,” Dad barked. He placed his fork down and looked at me. “Why don’t you invite your friends from school over Grace? Why don’t you hang out with girls your age instead of a boy? It’s not normal.”

  “Enough, Steven,” Mom was angry now. “I don’t know what’s gotten into you but there’s nothing wrong with Grace hanging out with Noah. He’s a good boy.”

  Dad snorted, even I was taken aback by the way he was acting. “How do we know he’s not making her keep to herself with just him and her.” He looked at me. “Is that it? Is he jealous and doesn’t want you to have any other friends over?”

  “What are you talking about? I don’t invite my friends over because I don’t want to share him!”

  Even Mom looked surprised by my answer. My cheeks were hot and I regretted the words the moment I said them.

  “Is that so? Then time to start learning.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked him.

  “I mean, you aren’t kids anymore. I’ve ignored the way he’s always looked at you before because you were kids but I won’t anymore.”

  Mom covered her face with her hand. My lungs burned with fury. Did Mom perhaps tell Dad what I said? I wouldn’t think she would do that to me, but then again, Dad was her husband and I was his child. It was so infuriating to be a kid. I held my tears as I studied both my parents before running upstairs.

  Of course, Noah finally came that night and as happy as that made me, I knew I had to tell him to leave. Noah could tell something was bothering me the moment I met him at the window. He didn’t even step into my room.

  He frowned. “What’s wrong, Priss?”

  Just because it was Noah, I couldn’t hold in my tears. I covered my eyes up and he pulled me in. The November air was cold, but Noah was so warm. “For now, it’s best for you not to come up into my room.” He tilted his head. “My dad, he’s being weird. I think he knows our relationship has changed and it makes me feel guilty, but I don’t want you to stay away because of it.”

  “He’s not being weird Grace. You’re just finally picking up on what I’ve always felt.” He wiped my eyes and smiled sadly. “He’s just getting to the point to where he can’t hold it in... You hanging out with someone like me.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with you,” I whimpered.

  He smiled. “I know, silly. I’ll see you at school tomorrow, okay?”

  I nodded and fell into a better place when he left me with a kiss.

  14

  Grace age 13

  Noah age 13

  When it comes to succeeding and life in general, I already know that the odds are stacked against me. I don’t have the right clothes and shoes. I’m judged first by my poor outer appearance, then I’m judged second by my parents. I’m not expected to succeed but that’s exactly why I will. The thing about being born in my world, I already know not to expect things to get better because they don’t, but I have the motivation to crawl out of the mess I’m in.

  I don’t want the world, I just want the ability to give the one I love a peaceful living.

  I’m always picturing a future with her, I hope one day she starts to do the same.

  Just a little longer… I’m slowly getting older.

  N.P.

  “What’s with you and Noah?” Sara asked Friday morning at the table before Tiffany or Noah had arrived by their buses. I always rode to school with Mom.

  “What do you mean?” I pulled my hair back into a ponytail.

  “He’s always with us now, and so is Mark and Dustin.” She slurped her orange juice through the straw. “Are you two dating?”

  “No…” I thought about it. “Noah and I are…just us.”

  “Huh?” Her eyebrows shot up.

  “I don’t know how to explain it.”

  “Explain what?” Tiffany said, sliding in next to Sara as she scooted over. “Hey.”

  “Hey,” Sara replied. “Just trying to get Gracie here to spill the dirt on her and Noah.”

  “Don’t call me Gracie,” I grumbled.

  “Really, though,” Tiffany sighed. “You guys act like you’re together.”

  I smiled and shrugged my shoulders and they both started squealing. “I knew it!” Sara slammed her palm against the table and said.

  “What about you, Sara?” I squinted my eyes at her.

  “What about me?”

  Tiffany
laughed, “Don’t even pretend, we see you crushing on Dustin.” Sara threw a napkin at her and we all laughed.

  “Like you don’t think he’s hot either,” Sara protested.

  “Oh yes, me like the way he looks a lot,” Tiffany sang the words out. “Besides, Noah’s never been up for grabs because of a certain someone...” They both turned toward me.

  “Y’all are lively this morning, aren’t ya?” Dustin crept up on us without us noticing him. He did a little chin tip to tell me to scoot over and I did. “Waiting on the boyfriend?” he asked and I blushed.

  Sara and Tiffany started their oh’s and ah’s again. “Is that what Noah’s saying?” Tiffany asked quickly

  Dustin shook his head. “No, but it’s not hard to tell with us hanging out with you losers.” Sara threw the same napkin she had thrown at Tiffany at Dustin. He picked it up and threw it at me. I knocked it away and smiled when I saw Noah stepping through the door. His eyes were on our table before I even found him. He smiled back and Dustin got up and let him in as I scooted to back of the booth so all three of us could fit.

  “Hey,” he said with a smile aimed at me.

  Noah came over all week for a few minutes despite my dad’s unexpectedly outburst Monday night that I had told him about, other than that though, Dad hadn’t said anything to Noah.

  I was used to spending hours with him every day and now I was only getting minutes with him before he’d go back home.

  “You guys are totally dating,” Tiffany mentioned.

  “How about it, Grace?” Noah smirked. “Are you my girl?”

  I rolled my eyes and they widened when I felt him move his hand over mine underneath the table. I flipped mine over and our fingers entwined. I smiled but otherwise said nothing.

  _____

  I found myself staring at Noah in class all the time. He also caught me staring, but I didn’t care. All I could think about was how I wanted to kiss and touch him. The closer it got time to go home, the more depressed I felt. I wouldn’t see him much this weekend if I didn’t let him visit my room again at night. I was feeling more comfortable again now that Dad was back to himself… Or maybe Noah was right and he was satisfied that he hadn’t been coming over much the past two weeks.

  I hated thinking about it that way.

  When the last class ended, Noah waited for me by the door before he ran to catch the bus. I didn’t speak to him this time around, I just slipped the note into his hand and hurried to Mom’s classroom. It was a little embarrassing to stick around and wait for him to read it. I had asked him to come to my room tonight and smacked my cheeks as I ran down the hall and grinned at my own bad thoughts that involved Noah and what I wanted him to do to me.

  _____

  I didn’t think Noah was going to come once it hit midnight. He still hadn’t shown. I waited by the window for the longest time before slipping back under my covers where it was warm. It had to be close to one when he startled me awake by sliding in next to me. His shirt and skin were chilled from the frosty night. I propped myself up on my elbow and leaned over him. “I didn’t think you were going to come.”

  He breathed from his nose, “I wasn’t going to miss the chance to spend some time with you since we haven’t gotten to lately.”

  “How’s your mom?” I asked.

  He shook his head. “I don’t know how I expected to prevent her from doing what she wants. She takes whatever Dad brings her while I’m at school because she’s passed out on the couch when I come home. She has a new hiding place and I have no idea where they keep it… She only just now fell asleep, but I wonder if I’m even making a difference? Maybe I gave up football foolishly thinking that my parents might care if I’m right in their faces all the time instead of over here or at practice...”

  “Maybe not today… But maybe one day, you’ll make a difference.”

  “What do you see when you look at me?” I arched my brow at him, and he added, “Do you pity me? Is it because you thought I was living in the treehouse when we first met that you became my friend? I was always embarrassed eating over here for the longest time because I thought your mom fed me because she thought I didn’t have any.”

  I placed my hand on his cheek. “I don’t know how to answer that question because the only thing I see is Noah when I look at you. I don’t see anything else. I just see my best friend. The one that promised me adventures.” I felt his smile against my palm. “As for Mom, I remember clearly how she talked to Dad about you when we first met, and you’re right, she did question and worry, maybe even pity you but,” I whispered quickly, “that is not the case with her now.”

  “And your dad?” he asked slowly.

  I laid back and sighed. “That’s the strangest thing, Dad seemed to be the one that wasn’t being judgmental about your appearance, yet… I don’t know what he thinks now.”

  “It’s okay,” he replied quickly as if to dispel the bad vibe this conversation brought in the room. “I’ll prove he’s wrong about me.”

  “You don’t have to prove anything to no one, Noah, you’re not your parents.”

  “I do,” he whispered. “I have things I want in this world and if I want something, I need to know I can protect it, unlike my dad.”

  That made me remember the conversation he had with his dad in front of me.

  So, you have something you want to protect?

  Was I the thing Noah wanted?

  It made me all warm and fuzzy but at the same time, I could be acting self-centered, thinking that I was that important to Noah. He could be talking about life in general, or maybe a job he wanted when we grew up—

  “Priss, you got quiet on me.” He loomed over me.

  “Sorry, I was just thinking.”

  “About what?”

  “About...” I peered around the dark room. “When you’re going to touch me again.”

  “Have you touched yourself any since then?” He ran his hand over my stomach.

  I nodded. His eyes should have been adjusted enough to the darkness to see that I did. “I tried, it’s not the same as when you do it. I just don’t really feel anything.”

  “Sounds like you’re not trying very hard.” He bent down and blew into my ear. I laid my hand on his shoulder and pulled him in. He grabbed my breast and groaned. “No bra,” he confirmed.

  “Thought it would be easier this way…”

  He kissed my lips only once then dragged them down my chin onto my neck. My breath quickened as he continued downward while his hand slipped underneath my shirt and cupped my breast. I opened my mouth but no sound came out. “The light,” he said, climbing off the bed to turn on the nightlight. He climbed back on the bed and stopped himself at my knees. Instead of asking, he placed his hands at the waistband of my shorts and waited for my approval. When I nodded, he pulled them down slowly taking my panties with them.

  I studied his reaction before I said, “What is it?”

  “I just can’t believe I’m getting to see you like this.” His eyes burned through me.

  “It’s just me.”

  “There’s no such thing as ‘just’ when it comes to you for me, Grace.”

  “We’re different than other people our ages, aren’t we?” I found myself asking.

  “We’re just us,” was his answer as he lowered himself between my legs.

  My eyes widened. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m going to look then I’m going to place my lips there.”

  My mind told me that it was weird, but my body awaited what he’d show me tonight. I couldn’t keep my butt still when his breath tickled the inside of my thigh. “Every inch of you is perfection. How is that?” he swore.

  “Can I see yours?” I asked him.

  He looked up at me. “You want to?”

  I nodded and he placed a kiss on the inside of my thigh before raising up. I sat up and watched as he unzipped his jeans and pulled them down enough so that it sprang free. I jumped back and he couldn’t contain his gr
in when I did. My stomach dropped and filled with heat at the sight of him. Guys were so different than girls. Theirs went into ours… What used to be scary was still, now that I was face to face with one. I couldn’t even imagine how it could go inside… “It’s kind of scary looking, isn’t it?” I voiced my opinion aloud.

  He covered his forehead with his palm. “You’re blunt even in this situation, I should have known.” He smiled. “I don’t know whether to be offended or not.”

  “It also gives me the tingles when looking at it.” I leaned closer. “Scary tingles, like I’m afraid of it, but I also want to get to know it.”

  He covered his mouth this time to stop himself from bursting out into laughter. “I can’t do this.” He threw himself over me and we bounced on the bed together, the springs creaking to our weight. “You’re too cute.”

  Only I wasn’t smiling. I felt Noah bare against my own flesh. His skin was like fire compared to mine. It felt good. The mood was thicker when I leaned my face up to kiss him and he dived his tongue in my mouth. The heat in my stomach burst through me like lightning, this was what Noah could make me feel.

  The feeling he gave me all but died into panic as I heard someone coming up the stairs. From the look on his face, I could tell he heard it too. “Noah, someone’s coming,” I whispered as he slid off the bed, zipping up his pants. As soon as I get my shorts slid back up, Dad opened my door and the fear I felt was the most potent I’d ever felt. He took in Noah standing at my bedside and became enraged.

  Noah didn’t even say anything to defend himself, I guess he knew there was nothing to explain that my dad wouldn’t already know. “What the fuck are you two doing in here? What are you doing to my daughter?” Dad said right before he swung at Noah.

  Noah turned his head to ease the brunt of Dad’s fist. Mom stepped in behind him and gasped. “Steven, you can’t hit a minor!” Despite the fear pulsing through my veins, I finally stood up and moved closer to Noah.

  “Dad, please,” I cried.

  Noah pushed me aside and gave me a look that said, it’s okay Grace.