Fall From Grace

by Michelle Gross

  “Like hell I can’t, he’s in my house doing God knows what to our daughter!”

  I covered my face and cried. I made a mistake. I was scared for Noah and afraid that Dad wasn’t going to let me see him ever again.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make either of you mad,” Noah started, “Grace is everything to—”

  “I was a kid once, I know exactly what boys are thinking.” Dad grabbed Noah by the shirt collar and shoved him out into the hallway. “I won’t let you ruin my daughter’s life just so you can satisfy your curiosity of her.”

  Noah blew from his nose. “You know it’s not like that, Steven! Grace is more than my best friend, I’d never hurt her!”

  I followed them out of the room crying. Mom was next to me. I didn’t know if she was more disappointed or if she was going to burst into tears as she looked at me.

  Dad nodded. “I know you think you know how you feel right now, but those feelings are going to change and the one thing that’s certain is my daughter will be the one left hurting.” Noah shook his head. “Go, boy, I don’t want you back in the house. Do I need to go to your worthless parents and tell them what happened? Or would they even care?”

  “Dad!” I screamed.

  “I’ll go.” Noah lowered his face before lifting his head back up to face Dad with a piercing stare that even surprised me. “One day, you’re going to know that my feelings for Grace surpasses even what you feel for her as a parent!”

  “Why, you little punk!” Dad yelled.

  “Steven,” Mom hissed beside me. “Go, Noah before things get worse.” Noah looked to Mom slightly embarrassed before he nodded.

  He met my eyes and I started crying again. “Don’t be upset with Grace,” he couldn’t help but say before he walked down the stairs and out the door.

  I stepped backward the moment he was gone not knowing what my parents were going to say to me. Only Dad didn’t even turn around to face me. He got to the steps before he fell to his butt and cried. I was frozen in place and couldn’t believe I was watching and listening to my father cry. Mom was still beside me but even she was crying. I wondered if her tears were for the fact that she was disappointed in me or that she was sad to see my relationship ruined with Noah because of these new feelings I had for him.

  “How could he?” Dad yelled through his tears. “You’re my baby, Gracie.”

  “Dad,” I whispered, crying with him. “We didn’t mean to make anyone upset.”

  He turned his head and looked at me. “It’s the fact that you’re only thirteen Grace and you’re still growing! You can’t make decisions like that with your body randomly or even under my roof!”

  “Nothing you’re thinking happened,” I told him. “I’m sorry, I’m truly am.”

  I was. I felt terribly guilty and sad that I disappointed them like this. I had two parents that looked at me like I could do anything, which was one of the reasons I excelled in school. My parents gave me everything and I returned it with heartache.

  Even now, I wanted to beg them to forgive us so that I could keep spending time with Noah out of school. But I didn’t because I knew now was not the time. The damage was done. I would just have to wait and see what tomorrow held.

  “Go to bed, Grace, I don’t feel like talking about this tonight,” Dad said, standing up and going downstairs.

  “Mom,” I pleaded as she started walking.

  “I know you and Noah care for one another, but understand your dad, and understand me, it hurts because you’re getting older and there’s nothing we can do to stop it.”

  15

  Grace age 13

  Noah age 13

  When it rains, it pours.

  N.P.

  I slept in that Saturday morning and didn’t wake until something slobbery and warm slid over my cheek repeatedly until I opened my eyes. A black puppy with blue eyes wagged his tail at me and I raised up. “Oh God, where did you come from?” I asked and scooped him up in my arms. He kept trying to get to my face and I laughed until I saw Mom standing in the doorway watching me.

  “Your dad picked him up at the shelter today and brought him home for you,” she said, stepping into my room and sitting down at the edge of the bed.

  “I don’t understand.” I kept petting the little black monster. “I did something I shouldn’t have and you guys finally let me have a puppy?” I asked in disbelief. I’d wanted a pet my whole life and this was how I got one?

  Dad stormed in my room next. “I’m sure this little guy will bark his head off when we get unexpected visitors at night.” I sighed, so that was what he was for. My guard dog. “They said he was most likely a Husky and German Shepherd mixed,” he added before leaving the room. His ears made him look like a German Shepherd. I rubbed my thumbs on the inside of them.

  “His puppy pads are downstairs, it’s your job to teach him how to use them until you can train him to go outside.”

  I nodded quickly. “Um, Mom.” She sighed as soon as I said her name. “Do you think you and Dad are going to let Noah come back over again? He’s spent half his life over here at our house!”

  “Stop trying to make us feel like the bad ones, Grace.”

  “I know.” I looked down at the puppy. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I feel like Noah needs me in his life, especially right now…”

  “I don’t know, your Dad’s really upset. Give him time.”

  _____

  My heart hurt. My stomach protested to food. I felt guilty that I hurt my parents. I felt lonely and sad that I couldn’t just walk over and talk to Noah, who I knew I’d feel at ease next to. I’d sit on the porch with Gus—the name I gave the Husky mix. I couldn’t stay outside more than a couple of minutes at a time because it was too cold out. Noah wouldn’t come over today, he wouldn’t make things worse for me, and for someone that had always cared what my parents thought of him, I knew this must be making him feel guilty too.

  Which meant I probably wouldn’t see him until Monday at school.

  Only that wouldn’t be the case. Sometimes things happen that you’d least expect, then there were the things that happened that you tried to prevent. The ones that kept you up at night in fear of them becoming a reality.

  That night, the sirens pierced through my dreams. Normally, nothing could hardly wake me but the sound was deafening through my room. The first thing I thought was it was going to Noah’s house. In my head, I told myself I was wrong, and in order to prove myself that, I just had to see which house the ambulance pulled into.

  Being next to Noah for so long, maybe I slowly tapped into his same fears because I thought briefly that hearing sirens, seeing cop cars, or random strangers pulling into your driveway where all things to be afraid of. His fears were somehow mine now.

  I needed to know Noah was safe tonight. One more night.

  I ran downstairs, Dad was already out on the porch. The cold air crawled up my bare legs as Mom stepped into the hallway. She watched me skip the last few steps and dash for the door. Dad stepped into the doorway. “What are you doing up?” he asked.

  “I heard the ambulance, whose house?”

  “Go back to bed.” He wouldn’t let me get by him.

  “Whose house!” I snapped.

  “Whose house is it, Steven?” Mom asked this time. “It’s not Noah’s, is it?” I felt a small bit of relief knowing that Mom still worried for him.

  Dad leaned his head out the door and sighed. “It looks like it’s near the trailers.”

  “I have to go check on him. What if it’s Noah?” I panicked.

  “You know who it’s gonna—”, Dad sighed, “Let me put on my shoes and I’ll go check.” The moment he bent down, I slipped through the tiny space between him and the door and ran out. “GRACE!”

  I was already running down the road, feet burning against the frigid blacktop. I didn’t care that I was in my tank top and shorts. The cold didn’t bother me, knowing that Noah and his parents were okay was all that mattered.

/>   Yelling broke out in the distance. My heart sank. I recognized Noah’s voice and he was angry, he was upset. I could tell he was crying. I saw the ambulance in front of his house and slowed, taking in Noah and his dad next to the porch. Noah pushed his dad, I was close enough now to make out their words. “You killed her!” Noah yelled at him and I stopped, eyes widening.

  Killed…?

  “I didn’t kill her,” his dad cried out. “She kept begging me, Noah, begging me to give her just one more, one more. I’ve never been able to say no to her!”

  Noah reared back and punched his Dad in the face. He staggered back. “You could have gotten her help, but you didn’t, you just fed her the drugs she wanted!”

  “What about you?” His dad moved into Noah’s face. “You could have told someone, maybe got someone to help her, but no, you let her just as much as me!”

  I covered my mouth. How could he say that to Noah? How was it Noah’s fault?

  Noah stepped back, tugging his hair with a face so broken, my feet started moving again. “Because I didn’t want to lose her! But I lost her anyway!” Noah was furious again. “And now you’re dead to me!”

  “Grace!” Dad yelled behind me.

  Noah and his dad turned to look at me. His eyes were remorseful. He wished I hadn’t witnessed what I did.

  Our eyes broke contact when two men carried out his mom on a stretcher. My throat filled with bile when I saw that she was covered completely up. No…

  Another man stepped up beside them. “I’m going need you two to come in with me.” Noah looked like his worst fear had come to pass while his dad simply dropped his head and nodded.

  I felt Dad’s hand come down over my shoulder. “Come on, let’s go home.”

  How could he say those words so easily after what he just saw? After what we knew Noah was going through. Noah wouldn’t even look my way. He started following the guy to the ambulance. “Noah!” I screamed and he finally looked at me. He stopped and I ran to him.

  What was even scarier was how Dad didn’t stop me. I should have known that wasn’t a good sign. I already saw where this was heading for Noah, and I was truly afraid that if he got in the back of the ambulance, I might not see him again.

  I started shaking my head frantically and he couldn’t look at me again. “It’s going to be okay, Priss. I’ll be seeing you soon,” he lied.

  “Noah,” I cried. “Wait!”

  But he didn’t and Dad pulled me aside as one of the guys nodded toward us before getting in the front seat and driving away.

  Dad led me back to the house where Mom took one look at me and cried herself. I ran upstairs because I knew Dad would tell her what just happened.

  Noah’s mom died from an overdose. His dad came home the next day alone. He buried his wife without a funeral. I didn’t know if Noah got to say goodbye or where he was. Our teachers—Mom being one of them—informed us that Noah was transferring out that following Monday. Everyone asked me questions at school like I would know. He didn’t even have our house number because he never had a phone and we were always seeing each there every day so there had been no point.

  Life was all wrong. A terrible imbalance to what used to be. I’d adapt, but I’d never forget Noah or the way just the thought of him made me feel.

  A week later, Mom found me in my room where she sat down on the bed and told me, “If Noah is the kind of boy you think he is and the kind of man I know he can be someday, then this will be nothing for him. He’ll be okay, he’s been taking care of himself his entire life. And if he’s meant to be a part of your life, he’ll make his way back when he’s able.”

  At school, Tiffany asked, “Did you tell him you loved him?”

  It was then I realized Noah and I never said that to each other once. It wasn’t something I ever had to hear him say, it was in the way he called me Priss, or in the way he always looked out for me, or in the way he scolded me when I did wrong and smiled at me differently than he did for everyone else.

  Some things didn’t have to be said in order to be known.

  I loved Noah, I thought he must know that the same way I knew that he loved me.

  Without my parents’ permission, I would start to sneak over to Noah’s dad’s house and ask if he heard anything about Noah, in which the answer would always be no. I knew his dad didn’t care as much as I did, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t stop bugging him.

  Life without Noah was…

  16

  I’m welcomed into a stranger’s home. I lost everything within twenty-four hours. The couple that takes me in, I’m sure has heard all the dirty details since they are there to pick me up and take me to their home so quickly. I’m so angry. All this bottled up rage has slipped out now that Mom finally let go. Dad knew, he knew. The same way I did. The way she was searching for an end and he didn’t try and stop her.

  This hateful person that I’m not, takes a hold of me. I lash out on the couple that takes me in. I keep expecting the curtains to fall and their peaceful smiles to warp into the reality that was my life…

  ______

  All I can think about is getting in touch with Grace. I need to hear her voice. I wish she hadn’t come out that night. I wish my parents didn’t ruin even that part of my life, the one with her in it. I sink to the floor and cover my face with my hands. I’m crying, snot and all when I see Janet staring up at me from the bottom of the stairway. Her and her husband, Dean, are the ones that took me in. She’s always watching, always waiting, always smiling with a sorrowful expression as she watches me. I get up from the stairs and disappear into the room they gave me where I cry for Grace in private.

  I’m not ashamed to cry. Grace is something worth crying for.

  _____

  I lash out some more. Dean and Janet are ever patient. It makes me feel horrible. But it also makes me afraid. I can’t be so lucky… not me… to end up with two people that actually care.

  _____

  I don’t know Grace’s number but it is easy to call up the school and ask to be transferred to her mom’s classroom… Only I don’t like the reality she gives me, but I accept it because I know it’s not going to change how I feel.

  Nothing ever will.

  _____

  Dean and Janet… are good people. The nights where I couldn’t sleep in a stranger’s home slowly eased into being normal. My anger fades, but the hurt stays. I still miss the mom who wasn’t really one. I still think about the dad that I spent hating.

  But my future is still there. I’ll make it because I’m not my parents. I’m not where I came from. Some people might say otherwise, but I’ll prove them wrong.

  Life without Grace was… waiting to see her again.

  N.P.

  Part Two:

  High School

  17

  Grace age 16

  Noah age 17

  I realize I can be no different than any other guy. I can hurt a girl without knowing, without caring. I had sex with a girl for the first time and it wasn’t Grace, but the entire time I was above her, it’s Grace who I wonder about, it’s Grace that I miss and crave as I explore and map her body, learning all the ways that make her feel good, learning all the ways that I’ll do to Grace. Then I slept with her a few more times until she wanted more. She wanted what I already gave to someone else a long time ago. She knew where my heart stood when she came onto me, but she tried at my heart anyway, so she was left crying when I walked away without much feeling at all.

  I tried to picture a life without Grace. I tried another body other than Grace, and it leaves me missing her more.

  The only thing I find out is that I’m not a good guy unless it’s next to her.

  I call up Grace’s mom once more…then I wait.

  I wait… I wait while driving by her house, hoping to catch a glimpse of her. I place myself where I might run into her sooner. I wait… but I’m losing patience.

  N.P.

  Dustin pulled his truck—that his parents paid
for—into my driveway and when he turned the engine off, I groaned inwardly.

  “Your parents aren’t home yet,” he said it like it was an invitation for him to come inside. He had passed his driver’s test over the summer and loved to show it off. I only had my permit because I was a bit nervous behind the wheel—okay, big-time nervous.

  “Mom will be home anytime,” I told him in hopes that he’d stop looking over at me like that.

  He didn’t. “Do you want me to come inside?” I was beginning to understand that most guys couldn’t read body signals or they just didn’t care. I could think of one boy that read me better than I read myself, but Dustin wasn’t him… But he had been my boyfriend for the past few weeks now. I finally gave into him after he truly seemed like he cared about me in some way. He even stopped flirting with other girls because I had told him I hadn’t believed him when he said he liked me because he was always dating someone. And I craved the idea of touching someone intimately. Kissing Dustin wasn’t that good at first but with time, I’d truly grown to enjoy the feel of his lips on mine. He was very handsy too but I made him keep it PG because I wasn’t ready. Maybe I wouldn’t be ready for anyone if they weren’t Noah. But I was giving into the idea and even seeing Dustin for the attractive guy he was, if only he wasn’t so pushy.

  “No, I’d rather you didn’t,” I told him nicely. “Don’t you have football practice today?”

  “Not ’til six.” He rubbed his head before looking over at me. “What made you want to start cheering again this year?” This was something he kept asking since I decided to go back on the cheer team the first of the school year. We would be cheering at their first game of the year this Friday. “You quit the year Noah moved.” I never told anyone that Noah didn’t exactly move, he was placed in a foster home somewhere, but maybe they knew and just pretended not to know. None of them knew his parents or that his mom passed away, only I did.

  I looked down at my hands. “Yeah, that’s why. I always did like it and when I realized I only have two years left of high school, I decided to…”