Never Close Enough

by Anie Michaels

  She walked over and turned off the lights. She would rather shower in the dark and not have to look at the body that would remind her only of his absence. She stepped into the shower and let the hot water run in tiny streams along her body. The touch of the water on her skin was the most contact her body had felt all night and the sensation made her weep, salty tears mixing with shower water and soap.

  This was too much. Her breaths came quicker and with a more frantic, thudding need. Panic was setting in and she was unaccustomed to this new feeling. She slid down the wall of the shower and continued to try and breathe as she sat on the floor, water pelting the top of her head, beads of water flying out of her mouth as she managed to keep the air flowing in and out. It occurred to her that being here, in this house, in this city, was more damaging than she could have ever imagined. She would have to leave. Perhaps it was time to go to her parents, explain what had happened, and stay with them for a while.

  After a few minutes, her breathing returned to a somewhat normal rhythm and her heart rate was back to the familiar pace. She shut the water off wondering if she’d remembered all the steps of washing and conditioning her hair, but not caring enough to backtrack in her mind. As she dried her hair and body with a scratchy towel, she heard a knocking on the door.

  She halted, mid-scrunch, towel in hand, drying her hair. Was someone really knocking on her door? Who? Why? Then she heard it again, the unmistakable sound of knocking. She quickly threw on a tee shirt and shorts and was going down the stairs when the knocking became more hurried and insistent. She pulled on the door handle and was immediately shocked.

  “Tilly. What are you doing here?” Ella’s mind was running through a million scenarios that would bring Tilly to her door and most of them involved Porter being injured. “Is Porter all right?” She asked in a panicked voice.

  “He definitely isn’t ok, Ella. But he’s not hurt, no.” Ella breathed a sigh of relief.

  “Then why are you here?”

  “To talk some damn sense into you. Can I come in?” Ella backed up and opened the door to Tilly, letting her slide past her into the living room, caught off-guard by her swearing. Manners took over and Ella was offering something to drink.

  “No, I am fine. Come sit down, Ella,” Tilly commanded. Ella found herself sitting next to her on the couch, looking at her blankly, completely at a loss for words. “Ella, why are you doing this?”

  “Doing what?”

  “Torturing yourself. Torturing Porter.” Ella looked away from Tilly and stared at the floor.

  “I’m not trying to torture anyone. I am sorry if he’s hurting, but he’s not the only one. This wasn’t easy for me either.”

  “Then why are you doing it?”

  Ella exhaled loudly with irritation. Why did she have to explain this to everyone? Porter was the only one she felt needed an explanation. Now she was getting frustrated that he had told his mother and that she was here making pleas on his behalf. She rubbed her hands over her face, trying to remain calm.

  “Tilly, I understand you are trying to protect Porter, but what happened between us is private. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

  “I’m here to protect you as much as I am him, Honey.” Ella felt Tilly’s hand on her shoulder as she gave it a gentle squeeze. “Porter didn’t tell me what happened. All I needed was to see his face to know what was going on. It was obvious at dinner last night that something was bothering you. This morning when he came to the bar, I just knew.”

  “I can’t talk about this,” Ella said as she rose from the couch.

  “Neither one of you deserve to hurt this way, Ella. He’s never felt this way about anyone, Honey. He loves you and you love him.”

  “Why does everyone keep saying that to me? I don’t know if I love him,” Ella whispered.

  “Of course you do. Why else would you put yourself through this? If you didn’t love him, you wouldn’t have a problem seeing him on the weekends or letting him rearrange his life for you. I understand the fear that comes with loving someone, but I also understand the heartache of losing that love. I can’t understand, for the life of me, why you would give up his love willingly.”

  More tears, even though she was sure she’d used them all up, came pouring down her face.

  “It would never work, Tilly, him and me. There’s no way for us to be together,” she said through loud, racking sobs. Tilly came to stand in front of her placing her hands on her shoulders and looking her in the eyes.

  “Let him figure that out, Ella. Give him your heart and let him figure out how to keep it, how to protect it. It’s what he needs. He needs you to surrender, to stop fighting him, and then he will move heaven and earth to make sure you feel nothing but love and happiness.”

  “To ask Porter to be with me is asking him to give up too much.”

  “No, my dear girl, asking him to be with you is giving him the best gift anyone could ever give him.”

  Ella wanted that to be true so badly.

  “Did you ever ask him what he wanted, Ella?”

  She thought for a moment and shook her head.

  “I knew he would give up everything if I asked him to.”

  “Hmm,” Tilly said softly in understanding and agreement. “And that scares you?” Ella nodded. “I assume, based on what I know of your last relationship, that you are not use to feeling like a priority.”

  “I suppose not,” she answered quietly.

  “Porter is a simple man, Ella. What you see is what you get. He wants to be there for you, but he won’t force you.”

  “I know.” As Ella said the words she heard the vibration of her cell phone against the hard surface of the counter in the kitchen. She picked up the phone and saw she had a text message from Porter. Her heart stopped and any attempts to breathe were halted as well. She unlocked the screen and his message appeared.

  **Ella, I never knew I could feel this wrecked just from missing someone. It’s like I am missing a piece of myself. Please, let’s talk about this again**

  “Is that from Porter?” Tilly asked.

  Ella nodded.

  “I could tell from the way you stopped breathing.” Tilly started walking towards Ella and stopped when she was in front of her. “Don’t let your fear of being hurt stand in the way of your happiness, Ella. I would give that advice to anyone, not just the woman my son loves.”

  Ella watched as Tilly walked out of her front door, leaving her to contemplate what to do next. She was looking at her phone like the perfect response to his text message would type itself. Hoping for some inspiration as to what she was supposed to say to him next. She knew what would happen if she agreed to talk with him. She would crumble. She would undoubtedly be happy. But for how long? Was he worth the risk? Every fiber of her being was telling her yes.

  **Come to my house when you’re off work. We’ll talk.**

  Ella looked at the clock that said it was past one in the afternoon. The day had been lost while she was crying in her bed. She figured she had a few hours before Porter turned up. She didn’t want to spend that time being anxious or nervous, but she feared she had no choice. She went back upstairs to finish getting ready for the day.

  Ella started really watching the clock around six o’clock. She figured he would be there any minute and couldn’t keep her hands from shaking when she tried to do mundane things like brush her hair or wipe down the counters. She tried to keep herself busy by sweeping the floor, making her bed, and loading the dishwasher. By seven o’clock she was starting to worry he wasn’t coming.

  At seven fifteen she heard a knock at the door and it felt like the floor had been pulled out from under her. She stared at the door for a few seconds, unsure if she would be able to move to answer it. Finally she regained use of her legs and walked towards the door. She stopped at the mirror to make sure she looked all right and gave herself a little laugh because she looked terrible. The dark bags hadn’t gone away and she looked pale. There was nothing she cou
ld do about it, so she resigned herself to opening the door and letting him see what his absence had done to her physically.

  She immediately made eye contact with him hoping that would give her the guise of being confident. What she saw stripped her raw. Once he saw the state she was in, she watched him flinch and move towards her, to hold her and soothe her, but he held back. She saw on his face the instant he remembered they weren’t together and pulled his arms back to his side, fists gripping air so hard his knuckles were bulging and white. Watching him withhold himself from her hurt physically, caused her pain right in her gut.

  “Do you want to come in, Porter?”

  “No. I’d rather not.” He said while still looking her directly in the eyes.

  “Um, all right. Where would you like to talk?”

  “Grab a sweatshirt and meet me on the beach,” he said and then he turned and walked around the house towards the beach.

  Ella stood in place for a few seconds trying to process what had just happened. He had looked more mad than upset, and the terse and abrupt way he’d spoken to her was unsettling. She sighed, went upstairs to grab her sweatshirt and then headed out the backdoor to the beach. She was resigned to accept whatever he had to say to her. Even if he was angry, she probably deserved it.

  It was just after sunset and although she was sure the coloring of the sky would be gorgeous, a thick fog had rolled in and sat just off shore, creating a weirdly beautiful veil around the beach. She could see the sand and the waves crashing on the beach, but she couldn’t see anything more than one hundred yards away. What she could see, however, was the outline of Porter, hidden in shadow, backlit by a roaring campfire.

  As she got closer she could see a little more detail. He was facing her and he had his hands in his jean pockets. Closer still, she could see the firelight dancing off the sides of his face, illuminating the fact that his chocolate brown hair had very slight copper highlights. When she finally was close enough to see everything around him, she stopped mid-stride and instinctively placed her hand over her mouth to cover the sob and also the smile that had both sprung up on her. A blanket was laid out with some sleeping bags rolled up at one end, a picnic basket set out, and on the side of the basket was a bucket with ice, champagne, and two champagne flutes.

  “What is this, Porter?” Ella asked as she approached him beside the licking flames of the fire he had built.

  “Well, this is a picnic on the beach,” he said motioning towards the blanket and basket. “But, it’s going to get cold, so I built the fire and brought the sleeping bags.” Ella fought the urge to roll her eyes at him.

  “No, Porter, what is this? Why are you here?”

  “Gonna go right for the jugular, are you?”

  “I don’t have the patience to waste any more time with you, Porter. We’ve wasted enough time as it were.”

  “You’ve got a good point, Ella.” Porter took in a deep breath, ran his hands through his hair, and then looked her right in the eyes. His gaze sent a shiver right through her whole body and all she wanted to do was close the gap between them. He was too far away. He was never close enough.

  “Just say what you’ve got to say,” she was dying from need to touch him and wanted him to get done saying whatever he had to say so she could fix everything between them. She saw him straighten his shoulders, seeming to brace himself to go into battle.

  “I know it’s only been a few days, Ella. But there’s nothing you could say that would convince me that we’re not meant for each other. Ever since I saw you sitting on that barstool, my body has been tied to yours. I need to feel you in my arms and my body aches with need when you’re not in them. I have never felt this inherent need to be with someone, and honestly, it’s the best damn feeling in the world.” She saw a little light leave his eyes and his shoulders slumped a little. “It was the best feeling, until last night when you pushed me away.”

  “Porter, I nev-”

  “No, I listened to you last night and now you’ve got to listen to me,” he demanded. Ella closed her mouth, her pulse racing from his commanding voice. Something inside her liquefied. Her resolve? Her last thread of resistance? Whatever it was, it was running like molten lava through her veins. She just continued to look at him, giving him the silent submission he was looking for.

  “I have spent my entire life doing right by everyone else. I’ve done everything I could for my mom, making sure she was taken care of. I’ve been running my business just trying to make sure it was successful, working so hard almost because I didn’t have anything else to do. None of it bothered me because I never thought I was missing anything. Then I found you, Ella. I wasn’t even looking, but there you were.” He stepped towards her, his hands reaching behind her waist, her arms instinctively looping around his neck, her fingers running through the hair at the nape of his neck.

  “Please let me show you how good this could be. I know you’re scared and I know I’m asking you to take a risk, but I promise you I will never make you feel like giving us a shot was a mistake. The thought of never kissing you again, never making love with you again, never feeling your smooth skin under my hands, it’s more than I am willing to give up, Ella.”

  She felt another tear slide down her cheek and he reached up to wipe it away. His thumb gently stroked across her cheek and continued behind her ear. He continued to caress, all the while slowly pulling her lips closer to his. Her eyes were darting between his mouth and his eyes. She couldn’t find any words, so she let her kiss do the talking.

  She closed the distance between them, and nearly climbed up him with urgency. When their lips met it was almost as if their bodies both took a sigh into each other. He groaned, his hands moving all through her hair, while she was content to just hold his face. Their tongues we dancing slowly, lazily, enjoying each other while the memory of absence was still fresh. He was nipping at her bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth, shooting electric currents straight to her core.

  “Porter,” she said, interrupting the kiss that felt like it was breathing new life into her. His hands on her body were healing her, but they had more to discuss. “We need to finish talking.” He pulled back and looked at her.

  “Well, that was either one awesome make-up kiss or a really terrible goodbye,” he said with a sigh. “The choice is up to you, Ella. But before you make your decision, understand that I will make this so easy for you. Whatever you need to feel secure, I will make sure it happens. I love you and I want you to be happy, but I hope you’ll choose to be happy with me.” He flicked her nose with his, as she had grown so accustomed to, and looked into her eyes waiting for her to speak.

  Ella took a step back from him and reached out for his hand. He gave her a questioning look, but took her hand and followed her as she led them to sit on the blanket, already toasty from the fire. She motioned for him to sit down first and she sat in front of him between his legs. He wrapped his arms around her and she snuggled in to his chest.

  “Did you know you’re mom came to talk to me today?” She felt him tense around her.

  “Um, no, I didn’t,” he said hesitantly. “Do I need to apologize for something she said?”

  “No, of course not,” she said lazily rubbing her hands up and down his forearms. “She just wanted to make sure I wasn’t making a terrible mistake.” Ella took a deep breath and let it out slowly. Then she turned slightly so that her face was looking up at Porter. She took just a moment to commit to memory how his chocolate brown eyes looked with the firelight dancing in them. They reminded her of caramel. He reached to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear, and she kept his hand on her cheek, leaning in and taking strength from him.

  “She didn’t say anything I didn’t already know. She just made me consider your side.”

  “What did she tell you?”

  “She said you loved me.”

  He leaned in and kissed her softly.

  “She told me that if I gave my heart to you, you’d take care of it.”

/>   He kissed her again, longer this time and deeper, making her heart rate sky rocket.

  “She said that you wouldn’t force me to be with you, that you would take things slow, and make me a priority.”

  He went to kiss her again, but she put a finger up against his lips.

  “Are all those things true, Porter? Will you take care of my heart? Will you make our relationship a priority? Because I don’t want anything less and I will give everything right back to you. I promise to take care of you, cherish you, and make you the most important thing in my life. I cannot be in another relationship were I am alone in the dark. Does that make sense?”

  Porter brought his strong hands to her face and pulled her in close, kissing her forehead.

  “I will spend every day making sure you feel my love for you. That’s all I can promise, Ella. It might get tough and we might have bad days, but you will never go to sleep questioning how I feel or what you mean to me. I love you, Ella.”

  She looked into his eyes and the love he was professing washed over her. It warmed her throughout, and she felt herself open up to him. She took in a sharp breath.

  “I love you too, Porter.”

  His eyes grew wide with realization and she couldn’t help the smile that spread across her face. He suddenly grabbed her by the waist and moved her to lay on the blanket as he draped himself over her. His mouth was on hers instantly and this kiss was different. This was the slowest, laziest, heaviest kiss she’d ever felt. He was in no hurry and she felt as if he was taking his time trying to savor every moment. The pace of the kiss was making her heart race but also making her sleepy all at the same time, making her drift into an other-worldly place where it was just the two of them, sharing their love with each other, basking in the intensity of what was passing between them. After what seemed like hours of intense, slow, mesmerizing kissing, finally Porter pulled away but only far enough to look in her eyes.