Never Close Enough

by Anie Michaels

  Porter took the time he had by himself to shower in the bathroom attached to Ella’s room, and grab a cup of coffee and bagel from the cafeteria. When he made it back to Ella's room, he was pleased to see she had returned. The nurse informed him that the CT scan went well and that the doctor would be back soon with results.

  “Dr. Andrews is anxious to get Ella off the ventilator and the medication, so he should be by soon to give his orders. If the CT scan looks good, we should be proceeding soon,” she said happily. Her smile was contagious and her optimism was greatly appreciated by him. He felt himself lighten at her words and squeezed Ella's hand. He wanted nothing more in the world to see her bright blue eyes open up and he felt like today could be the day his Ella came back to him.

  Ella's family quickly started arriving, everyone asking Porter for updates. He told them all what he knew, but everyone was waiting for the doctor to come with the official news. Dr. Andrews came into Ella's room late morning, and asked Porter and Susan to join the rest of the family in the waiting room.

  “Ella's CT scan looks great,” he stated as soon as everyone was huddled together. “There is no evidence of swelling or the bleed. I am going to have her taken off the ventilator and the medication within the hour.” Ella's mother's hands covered her mouth, as she laughed and cried at the same time. Everyone seemed to be smiling and laughing at the good news. “I am going to need to ask you all to stay out of her room until the nurses can get her situated without the ventilator. Once she is settled, we are going to request that only one person be in the room with her at a time. Coming out of this type of sedation can be confusing and scary for patients. So once she starts to come around, we will be asking that only Ella's mother be in the room.” Everyone nodded, taking in every word the doctor was saying. Porter was a little upset that he wouldn't be able to be there for Ella when she woke up, but he could understand why having Susan there was important. He would get his time with her.

  “We have every reason to believe that Ella will wake up and make a full recovery, but I still would like you all to remember that there are still risks. She's not completely out of the woods yet. However, I am very pleased with her progress and we should be optimistic that there will be no repercussions from the head trauma. She is a strong woman, a fighter for sure.”

  Porter's heart swelled with pride at the doctors words. He had never met a stronger woman then Ella and he was so lucky to have her. Even though he hadn't slept well in days, and had been on an emotional roller coaster, the energy and strength the doctor’s words had brought him made him feel like he could run a marathon.

  The six of them sat in the waiting room, energy buzzing around them, grasping on to the hope of good news when Ella woke up. All of the Sinclairs were busy texting and calling extended family, giving updates and taking well wishes. Porter sat next to Tilly, glad that his mother was here for him, and appreciated the fact that she had now closed the bar for two days to be here and support him and Ella. He took his mother's hand, brought it to his mouth, and kissed it. She gave his and a squeeze.

  “I love you, Baby Boy.”

  “I love you too, Mom.”

  “She is going to be so glad to see you, Porter. I will make sure she knows how you never left her side, and that you've been with her throughout this whole ordeal. She is lucky to have you, Son.” Porter smiled down at his mother.

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  After a while, a nurse finally came into the waiting room.

  “Ella is off the ventilator. Again, until we can evaluate her progress and medical condition once she wakes up, you are welcome to visit her one at a time.”

  Porter had been with her all morning and didn't want to monopolize all of the time the Sinclairs had with Ella. He had all this pent up energy, waiting for something that might not even happen soon, and he needed to occupy himself.

  “Mom, I'm going to go for a walk.”

  “Do you want me to go with you?”

  “No, it's ok. I think I'm just going to get something to eat and stop by the gift shop. Do you want me to get you anything from the cafeteria?”

  “No, thank you. I am fine.”

  “Ok, call me if anything happens while I'm gone.”

  About an hour later Porter returned with flowers from the gift shop, hoping they would make Ella feel better once she woke up. Robert looked up from his chair in the waiting room and smiled.

  “Susan is in there now, but she wanted you to get some time with her before she woke up. You can go in there now if you'd like,” Robert said.

  “Thanks, I think I will.” Porter walked to the door and gave a gentle knock before opening it and stepping in. He placed the flowers on the rolling tray next to Ella's bed and he smiled at how they instantly made the room happier.

  “Hello, Porter,” Susan said. “I was just telling Ella how I think she's finally found the right man to spend her life with.” She looked over at him and smiled. “Over the last two days I have watched you with her, seen how you've taken on all of the burden of her incident, and tried to just make everything as easy for her as possible. I don't think I've ever seen anyone look at Ella the way you do. I almost believe that you need her just as much as you need air to breathe.” Porter was taken aback by her words, not expecting them, but he felt a little bit of weight come off his shoulders as a wave of tension he didn't realize he was holding rolled off of him.

  “That really means a lot to me, Susan. I know it was a bit of a shock to find out that Ella and I were together and I wish it could have been under better circumstances. But I love your daughter more than anything and being here with her right now is exactly where I am supposed to be. I am where Ella is. It's as simple as that.” Susan stood up and hugged him. As they embraced, she took a deep breath in and slowly let it out.

  “I'll let you have some time with her,” she said as she backed away from him. He saw her try to wipe a tear away without him seeing and it made him smile knowing that her mother approved of what was happening between them; it was just one more hurdle they wouldn't have to face once this whole ordeal was over.

  He looked over at Ella and took in a sharp breath. Without the ventilator, he could once again see her perfect mouth.

  “There you are, Babe. I've missed that mouth,” he said as he leaned down and pressed a small kiss to the very corner of her lips. His hands cradled her face and he felt another knot of tension release, not realizing how good it would feel to see her face free from machines. “You are so beautiful.” She still lay peacefully asleep, but now she very much reminded him of the carefree woman in his bed just days ago instead of the robbery victim he'd been so worried about. He brushed a piece of hair off her forehead and took a peaceful moment to simply appreciate how gorgeous she was. As he used his eyes to strategically commit every one of her features to his memory, he noticed her eyelids started to move and it looked as if she was squinting with her eyes closed.

  “Ella? Baby?” his heart rate spiked rapidly and his fingers became useless as he tried to punch to call button for the nurse. Adrenaline pumped through him as he watched Ella start to move her head to the side and her eyelids fluttered open. A buzzing noise came through the speakers on her bed.

  “Is there something we can do for you?” A disembodied voice asked.

  “Please come quickly. She's waking up,” He said with urgency. He turned back to Ella. She faded in and out; her eyes opened for fractions of a second at a time. “Ella,” he said as he gently rubbed the back of his hand over her cheek. The nurse came in the room right as Ella opened her eyes fully and looked around the room in confusion, still processing what she was seeing.

  “Sir, I am going to have to ask you to leave now.” Porter looked back and forth between Ella and the nurse. He knew this was protocol, but being so close to her as her eyes were opening, he didn't know if he could leave her now. “Please, Sir, it's time to go.”

  “I'm right here, Ella. I’m not going anywhere,” he said as the nurse all but pus
hed him towards the door. With one last look he retreated from the room. As he left he saw two more nurses and Dr. Andrews walking towards Ella's room, moving swiftly with urgent purpose. He watched them go into her room and tried to ignore the gnawing pain in his chest from wanting to be with her. He turned towards the waiting room and when he went in all eyes came to his face. He must have had his shock showing because Susan shot up from her chair. “She's waking up,” was all he could say. Susan ran out of the waiting room, no doubt headed for Ella's room. He sat down next to his mom and felt her trying to comfort him by rubbing circles on his back.

  He sat there for what felt like days. Time crept by slowly and quietly. Porter felt like he could have counted individual grains of sand as they fell through an hourglass. He was being tortured; he was sure of it. Finally a nurse came into the waiting room and everyone looked at her expectantly. Their eyes pleading with her to give them hope, news, anything.

  “Megan?”

  “Yes?” Megan answered with confusion in her voice.

  “Come with me, please,” the nurse said curtly. Megan stood up and followed the nurse back to Ella's room. Porter let out a frustrated groan and stood up to start pacing the room.

  “What the hell is going on in there? Why hasn't anyone come out to update us?”

  “Porter, honey, I am sure they are just checking her out, giving her a chance to get acclimated. Everything is going to be fine, just be patient.”

  “Patience is something I'm familiar with mother. I've waited thirty-two years for Ella to even come into my life. I'm just having a hard time with the last hour or so. I just need to see her eyes, talk to her, tell her I love her.”

  “You'll get your chance. Just let the doctors do their job.” Porter let out a loud breath, and continued to pace around the room. Just as he talked himself out of barging into Ella's room demanding to see her, Megan came into the waiting room. She looked at the floor and nervously fiddling with her fingers.

  “Dad, you can go in and see Ella. She's asking for you,” she said gesturing towards the doorway.

  “She's awake? And she can talk? What's going on Megan?” Porter demanded as Robert left the room to go see his daughter.

  “She is awake and she can talk, but she still seems pretty confused,” Megan said finally looking up at Porter.

  “Can I go see her?”

  “Not yet, let's give her some time.”

  “Fuck! Megan, please, I need to see her!” At his harsh words Patrick stood from his chair and moved in between him and Megan.

  “Calm down, Porter,” Patrick said sternly, holding his arm out towards him.

  “Porter, you watch your mouth!” Tilly chastised from her chair.

  “I promise you, Porter, as soon as the doctors think it's a good idea for you to see her you will be allowed in. Right now we need to do what's best for Ella. I know you love her, but you need to calm down and stop making demands.” He looked at her, trying to calm down his breathing.

  “I'm sorry Megan. I am really not trying to be an ass. I just miss her,” he said sadly. “Knowing she is in there awake and not seeing her is killing me.”

  “I know. Don't worry about it. Everything will be ok.” Megan and Patrick sat down again, and the four of them began another agonizing wait for any news about Ella.

  Finally, Dr. Andrews came into the waiting room. Porter stood, along with everyone else.

  “Doctor, how is Ella doing?” Porter asked.

  “Ella is doing well. She is coming in and out of consciousness, which is typical after being on this medication. This last time she woke up, she was conscious for about twenty minutes and was answering questions and following commands. It would seem that she has retained all of her speech abilities and as far as we can tell, she is able to move normally. There doesn't seem to have been any detrimental or irreversible damage in that way.”

  Porter exhaled a breath that he felt like he'd been holding for days. He shook, endorphins pumping through his system from the news he'd been waiting to hear since she was brought to this hospital. He needed to sit down, and his body moved backwards until he found a chair to collapse into. With his elbows resting on his knees he held his head in his hands and focused on taking deep and even breaths.

  “She's ok?” He finally managed to choke out.

  “She seems to have dodged most of the complications these types of brain injuries can cause.” Porter's head rose slowly to meet the doctor's eyes.

  “Most?”

  “Yes, unfortunately, there does seem to be some retrograde amnesia.”

  “Retro-what?”

  “Retrograde amnesia.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “Sometimes when these types of brain injuries occur the brain shuts certain connections down. As doctors, there's only so much we understand about the brain and most of the time the way it works is still a mystery. Where memory loss in concerned, there are two types. Someone either loses the ability to make new memories, more commonly known as Short Term Memory Loss, or they lose old memories, also called Retrograde Amnesia. In Ella's case, she has lost some of the memories in the past.”

  “Is it permanent?”

  “Not always, although there is no proven way to 'cure' this type of amnesia. Usually when a patient gets their memory back it is random and not linked to any kind of specific treatment.”

  “But there are ways to treat it?”

  “There are methods to encourage recall, yes. Hypnotherapy, counseling, simply looking through old photos or visiting memorable locations.”

  “No medication? No operation?”

  “No. Unfortunately, there are no known medical treatments used to bring back lost memory.”

  “I want to see her.” Porter stood up from his chair and began to march towards her room. Dr. Andrews took a step in front of him and put a hand up to meet his chest.

  “Right now, Mr. Masters, that is not a good medical choice to make for Ella. She is in a fragile state at the moment and any disruption to her emotionally is not advisable.” Porter stared so deeply into Dr. Andrews eyes, he was surprised the doctor didn't shrivel up onto the floor or burst into flames.

  “I am going to see her. I haven't been sitting here for days just for you to tell me what's best for her emotionally. There is nothing better for her than me.” Porter could feel his heartbeat pounding in his neck and he knew he looked like he was about to lose control. He wasn't so sure himself that he wasn't teetering over the edge.

  “Mr. Masters, again, with her memory loss, seeing you wouldn't be in her best interest. If you cannot accept this and still intend to enter her hospital room, I will have to call security and have you forcibly removed from the building.”

  “What the hell does her memory loss have to do with keeping her away from me?!”

  “It's you, Porter,” Megan interjected, looking at the ground, avoiding all eye contact. “You're the memory Ella lost. She doesn't remember you.”

  The End

  Epilogue

  Dear Porter,

  If you’re reading this letter, it’s because something has happened between us. I told you specifically not to open this letter unless you felt me slipping away, so I assume we’ve had a fight or some nonsense. I was hoping to write you this letter to preemptively bypass any stubbornness on my side (I’ve been accused of being stubborn by a certain handsome man I know). But seriously, if you’ve opened this envelope, I’ve made a mistake.

  I want you to know that there should never be any doubt in your mind that I want to be with you, that I want us to be together. What we have, our relationship, is bigger and more important than any problems we may be going through at the moment. So, even though circumstances are pushing us apart or perhaps even I am pushing you away, I want you to fight Porter. Fight for us. Fight for me. Don’t let me slip away. Don’t let me give up and please don’t give up on us. I don’t know if I will always have the determination to keep marching on when obstacles get in our way. I will
always want you, but I won’t always be strong enough to tell you that or remember how much we are supposed to be together. You will need to remind me.

  I am positive I am the one running and that you are hurting. I can’t tell you why I’m losing faith in us, but please just don’t give up. Just remember that I will always love you, no matter what.

  There has never been another man in my life that I have loved with the depth of feeling or sense of need as I have with you. You are my heart. You are my soul. And you are sexy as hell.

  Don’t lose me, Porter. Don’t let me slip away.

  I love you, almost as much as you love me.

  Come and get me,

  Ella.

  The paper that Ella used to write her letter on was soft and supple. That tends to happen when too much handling occurs. The natural oil from hands seeped into the paper causing it to feel almost like leather, making it appear to be deceivingly strong even though constant handling made the paper fragile.

  Porter read the letter from Ella hundreds of time since he left her at the hospital eight weeks ago. Ever since the day that Ella woke up and had no memory of him, or the beach, or breaking up with Kyle, or even finding Kyle with another woman; Porter was at the mercy of Ella’s family. Her parents were adamant that even though they knew that Porter loved her, they thought it was best not to pressure Ella into talking to him or even telling her he existed. Unless she remembered him on her own, they were not going to let him see or speak to her. They promised that if Ella regained her memory they would contact him. They made it clear he was not to contact them or Ella.

  Megan was a little more understanding of Porter’s position. In the beginning, she would send him updates on her progress, let him know how she was doing. But as the weeks waned on, she had less and less to say to him. Ella still remembered nothing of him or the time they spent together. Porter was optimistic that, given time, her memory would return. Surely, the memories of what they shared together, those eight days at the beach, were so permanently engrained in her mind they would eventually surface and one day he would get a phone call from her and all would be repaired. But each and every day that passed wore him down and eventually he found himself struggling.