Never Close Enough

by Anie Michaels

  “Her brain was bleeding and swelling, and they took her in for surgery to try and relieve the pressure on her brain. They got the bleeding and swelling to stop, but now they have to get the swelling to go back down.” He could hear his mother crying quietly into the phone and he loved her even more for loving Ella so much. “They have put her into a medically induced coma.” An audible cry came from his mother this time, and he winced knowing his mother was losing it and he couldn't be near her to comfort her.

  “Oh, Porter. I am so sorry. You must be going crazy.”

  “I am losing my mind here, Mom. She is just lying there and I just want to hold her, but I can't. She looks so fragile. I'm trying to be strong for her, but I can't help feeling like she's slipping away from me.”

  “Oh, Honey, she's there. She can hear you and feel you there. She wants to come back to you but she has to heal first. Do you want me to come there and be with you?”

  “Mom, besides Ella waking up and being ok, you being here is all I really want right now.”

  “Done. I will just tell the staff what's happening and I will leave. Do you need me to bring you anything?” Like a switch had been flipped in his head, he was suddenly filled with anxious need.

  “Yes, in fact I do. Can you go to my house and on my bed there should be something from Ella. Can you bring it with you?” He had gone directly to his shop after Ella had left and hadn't even seen the present she had left for him on his bed. He needed to see the last piece of herself she'd given him, needed it to feel close to her again, if only for a moment before the reality of their situation came crashing back down around him. He would give anything for a temporary distraction from this world of unclear futures and questionable endings.

  “Of course. Do you want me to bring you an overnight bag too?”

  “Thanks, Mom. That would be great.” Porter told his mother which hospital they were at and gave her directions.

  “See you soon, Sweetie,” she said as they hung up the phone.

  “Drive carefully, Mom. Love you.”

  “Love you too, Son.”

  He hung up the phone and saw the picture on the screen of his phone that he had taken of them on the beach during their picnic. He was looking at the camera, smiling like an idiot, but she had her head turned and was looking up towards him. All he saw in her eyes was love. She was looking at him like he was the most important person on the planet. The picture made his chest ache. She was so beautiful and in that picture she was all his. It was the only picture of them together and he wished he would have had the presence of mind to look down to her as well. To look into her eyes and convey what he was feeling for her. He quickly emailed to picture to himself just to make sure he had a copy of it somewhere for safe keeping.

  Porter sat in the cafeteria for a while longer, trying to gather up enough energy to find Ella's room again. He was so tired. His eyes burned and his muscles ached. He had never felt this level of exhaustion before. He was going to need to find a way to recharge soon or else he would be no good to anyone. He stood up, refilled his coffee cup, and started his quest to find Ella's room again.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Porter

  When Porter returned a detective was waiting to talk to him. Porter walked the detective through the entire situation and the detective took noted feverishly on a tiny notepad, stopping him at intervals to ask him questions.

  “And Miss Sinclair specifically mentioned that he had hurt her jaw?” He asked.

  “Yes, she told me that he had hurt her jaw, and she tried to tell me something else but she was too upset, I never got the rest of it.”

  “Did she mention if he had a gun?” The question made Porter’s blood run cold.

  “She never said anything about a gun.”

  “Based on what you’ve said, I can charge him with assault, but unless she can id him as the shooter, or the surveillance video can give us an id I can’t get him on attempted murder. I will process this and get a warrant out for him.”

  “Do you think he’s the one who shot her?” The detective looked down at his notepad for a moment and then met Porter’s eyes again.

  “I can’t say. But if she was assaulted by her ex, and then just happened to run into another asshole that shot her, I’d say she has the worst luck I’ve ever seen.” Porter shook his head, understanding what he was alluding to.

  “Let me know if there is anything else I can do, or any more questions I can answer.”

  “Thanks for your time, and good luck to you.”

  “Thanks.” Porter shook the detective’s hand and went to check on Ella.

  Ella had been taken for a CT scan, brought back to her room, and no nurses or doctors could give anyone any answers. The nurse had told them that the doctor would talk to them when the results were back. Until then they were playing musical chairs in Ella's room: trading spots, letting everyone have their own moments with her, making sure she was taken care of, talking to her and keeping her company.

  Porter was sitting in the waiting room, leafing through a magazine when he heard his mother's voice.

  “Porter, there you are! This hospital is built like a labyrinth.”

  “Yes, it's a little confusing,” he said as he kissed his mother's cheek. She gripped him in the biggest hug that her small frame could muster. He felt the hug was as much for his benefit as hers. When she pulled away he saw her wipe a single tear away from her eye. He rubbed his hand down her back, trying to comfort her.

  “Mom, these are Ella's parents. Susan and Robert Sinclair, this is my mother, Tilly Masters.” They rose from their chairs to shake Tilly's hand.

  “It's very nice to meet you, Tilly. We've had a day or two to get to know Porter and you must be so proud of the man you've raised,” Susan said, giving Porter a warm and sincere smile.

  “Yes. He is the light of my life. We've both grown so fond of Ella, too. I never got the chance to have a daughter, but she is exactly the daughter I would want. She is so smart, and sweet, and thoughtful,” her words trailed off and she looked troubled. “How is she doing?”

  “She had a CT scan a few hours ago. Now we're just waiting for the results,” Porter replied.

  “Has she improved at all?” Tilly asked.

  “Not really. She's been pretty stable, but they are keeping her sedated until the swelling in her brain goes down. That's what the CT scan will tell us.”

  “Would it be ok if I saw her?” Tilly asked Ella's parents.

  “Of course, I will just go tell Megan and Patrick,” Robert said with a smile.

  Once Tilly and Porter were in the room with her, Tilly immediately started crying again. Much like everyone else who had visited her, Tilly sat on the side of the bed where Ella's free hand rested. Tilly wrapped her hands around Ella's and just looked at her for a few minutes.

  “She is going to be just fine, Porter,” his mother said after a while.

  “She has to be,” he nearly whispered.

  “How are you holding up through all of this?” She asked him, looking straight into his eyes. Porter sat quietly for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

  “I can't get over the fact that if I had just gone home with her yesterday, none of this would have ever happened. If she doesn't pull through this, if I lose her, I will never be able to get past it.”

  “None of this is your fault, Porter. There's only one person responsible for this and the police will find them. I know you're protective of Ella, but you can't blame yourself for any of this. Ella wouldn't want that.”

  “What if she never wakes up, Mom? What if I only get to have her for a week and then she's taken from me forever? What was the point in all of this?”

  “You have to believe that she will be ok. She will be ok, Porter. She just needs some time to rest. You need to be here for her and be strong for her. Talk to her. She can hear you. She needs to hear your voice.” With that, Tilly stood up and walked past him towards the door. She rested her hand on his shoulder as she pa
ssed. “I know it's scary to think of living without her, but she's still here, and she's right in front of you. Don't give up on her now.” As his mother left, he turned his attention back to Ella and moved over into the chair his mother had just vacated.

  “I'm petrified here, Ella. I never thought I would love someone the way I love you. I really didn't think I was capable of feeling anything that even came remotely close to love.” He wrapped his hands around hers, kissed her knuckles gently, and rubbed his thumbs back and forth over the back of her hand. “When you wake up, we're going to figure this out. We're going to be together one way or another, Ella. You're going to marry me and I am going to put beautiful babies in that gorgeous belly of yours.” He brought her hand up to his face and leaned his cheek against the smoothness of her skin. “I will build you your dream house and we will spend our lives together in that house, loving each other, being happy, until forever. I will make all of that happen for us, Ella. I promise. All you have to do is come back to me.”

  At his words, although small and miniscule, he felt Ella's fingers squeeze his hand. His head shot up to her face at the movement. Even though he knew she couldn't wake up under all the medication, he knew right then she could hear him and that she was fighting her way back to him. He started crying fast, happy tears. For the first time in thirty-six hours he had a ray of hope, a sliver of optimism that everything was, in fact, going to be all right.

  He spent the next few hours watching Ella sleep, never letting go of her hand, talking to her about anything and everything. His mother and Ella's family came and went, taking turns visiting her, but never asked him to leave. They seemed to respect his need to be near to her and he thought that, possibly, they also believed that she needed him to be near her just as much.

  When the doctor finally came to talk about the CT scan results, he requested that everyone leave Ella's room and they all met in the waiting room.

  “Please tell us some good news, Doctor,” Robert said once everyone was seated.

  “I do have good news,” he said as a collective sigh breezed through the room from everyone. “The swelling in Ella's brain has dissipated overnight and her brain looks healthy and normal.”

  Susan's hand came up to cover her mouth as happy sobs escaped, and Robert rubbed circles on her back. Megan hugged Patrick, both smiling, and Tilly laid a reassuring hand on Porter's shoulder. His relief coursed through him like wildfire. They would get their forever.

  “The bleed in her brain is gone completely, as well. I am very pleased with the progress she's made and I feel if another CT scan in the morning shows similar results we can start to wean her off the medication keeping her sedated.”

  “So she'll wake up then?” Megan asked, hopeful.

  “Well, Ella has still had some significant brain trauma. There is no way we can anticipate if she will suffer any adverse side effects from the injury. There is just no way to be sure or give you any indication what state she will be in once she comes out of sedation. Once the medicine is out of her system she could wake up in a few hours or she could wake up in a few days. The CT scan results are very good news, but I need everyone to be aware of the issues Ella could still encounter.”

  The light happiness that had taken over the room quickly retreated and darkness came again with the warning from the doctor. Porter had been so focused on Ella waking up, it hadn’t occurred to him that here could be problems past just getting her to open her eyes.

  “What are the possibilities, Doctor?” Robert asked.

  “The brain is a fickle and unpredictable thing. It is possible that when Ella wakes up she won't be able to talk, or walk, or remember how to feed herself. It is also possible that she will wake up and be completely fine. There is no way to predict what state she will wake up in,” the doctor paused, “if she wakes up at all.” Gasps were heard from everyone. The doctor held up his hands, “We have every reason to believe she will wake up and make a full recovery. I just need to prep you for all possible outcomes.”

  “Thank you, Doctor,” Robert said gravely.

  “We will give Ella another CT scan first thing in the morning. If everything comes back OK we will take her off the medication, and we will go from there. Until then, however, it would be a good time for everyone to get some rest. Ella is completely stable and she will need everyone to be at their best once the real test begins tomorrow.”

  The doctor stood, shook Susan and Robert's hands and nodded at everyone else.

  “I think we will take the doctor’s advice and go home to rest up for tomorrow,” Susan said.

  “I'm just going to go and say goodbye to her before we head home too,” Megan said. Patrick followed her into the hallway.

  “Porter, Tilly, you are both more than welcome to come with us and stay at our house tonight,” Robert said as he placed his arm around Susan's shoulders. Tilly looked up at Porter, waiting for him to take the lead.

  “Mom, you should go with them and get some rest. I am going to stay here,” he said knowing he was going to get a fight from his mother and possibly Ella's mother as well.

  “Porter, you heard the doctor, we all need to get some rest to be here for Ella when she wakes up.” Tilly said, pleading with him. Porter placed his hand on her arm, trying to mollify her.

  “I did hear the doctor and I understand what he said. The fact of the matter is I am not going to sleep any better being away from Ella than I will being here with her. You go ahead, get a good night's sleep and I will see you in the morning.” Susan stepped forward towards him and he fully expected her to try and talk him into leaving. She surprised him when she placed a hand on his arm and leaned up to kiss his cheek.

  “Try to get some sleep and take care of my girl for me,” was all she said as she walked passed him.

  Porter walked his mother to her car and got the overnight bag she'd packed for him. It had been a rough day and he was looking forward to getting cleaned up and then keeping Ella company. When he got back to her room, he set the back down on a chair and opened it up looking for his tooth brush. He came across an envelope with his name on it. He looked at it quizzically and flipped it over, hoping there would be some clue as to who it was from. He didn't recognize the hand writing. It then dawned on him that the envelope must be the gift Ella had left for him on his bed. He continued to stare at it, trying to figure out what in the world he should do with it. You have to wait until you miss me so much you can’t take it anymore. When you feel like I might slip away from you and all you want to do is hold me in your arms. Then, and only then, can you open it.

  Porter desperately wanted to read the letter and it almost hurt physically to leave the envelope sealed, but he wasn't ready to give up on her yet. She was farther away from him than his head or heart felt comfortable with, but she wasn't slipping away. She was going to come back to him. He tucked the envelope back in his bag, urging himself to remember now wasn't the time to lose hope.

  After he had cleaned up a little and was feeling a little more like himself, he settled into the uncomfortable chair he'd spent so much time in the last day or two. He leaned forward, studying Ella's face, rubbing his hands up and down her arm. He talked to her, telling her all about what they would do together once she was healed.

  “We can go on a tropical vacation anywhere you like. As long as you wear a bikini, I will follow you anywhere. We can lounge around on the sand, with fruity drinks in pineapples. We can swim in the blue waters and make out in the ocean. We will rent a cabana and make love as the waves come crashing on to the shore. We already know we both love the sound of the sea.”

  Porter sighed and rubbed his hands over his face. His eyes burned with fatigue and he had a hard time keeping them open. He looked over at the flat and hard surface of the bench-seat intended as a bed for family with dread; it looked uncomfortable and far away from Ella. He wanted nothing more than to hold on to a piece of her while he slept, to make sure she knew that he was there with her, and also just to feel her next
to him. He vowed to himself that once this was all over, and she was healed and in his arms, they wouldn't be spending any nights apart. He settled for leaning as far over onto her bed as possible without disturbing her, pulling her hand into his body tangled with his hands under his head, using their entwined hands as a pillow.

  “I love you, Babe. I cannot wait to see your beautiful eyes open. Come back to me sooner than later, ok? I'm going to be waiting for you, right here.” Porter drifted off to sleep with the rhythmic beeping of heart monitor keeping time with the ventilator. He woke a few times during the night when nurses would come in to check her vitals. None of them asked him to move or indicated that him half-lying on her bed was an issue, so he tried to ignore them to the best of his abilities, drifting in and out of consciousness. He didn't dream, but he did see images of a smiling Ella float around in his mind, memories of smiles she'd gifted him with over the last week and a half. He saw her eating cheesecake on his couch, running towards him wearing only a white comforter, kissing him goodbye the last time they'd been together.

  When he eventually woke up completely, the nurse gently shook his shoulder.

  “We're going to take her for her CT scan now.” Porter inhaled deeply and rubbed his face, trying to focus on what the nurse was saying.

  “She's getting her CT scan now?” He asked, still trying to get his brain to comprehend her words.

  “Yes, the doctor wanted to get her in as soon as possible. She should be back in about an hour.”

  “All right.” Porter stood up and placed a feather-light kiss on Ella's forehead, and then stepped back giving the nurse enough room to wheel the hospital bed out of the room. He pulled out his cell phone to check the time, noticing it was still pretty early. He decided to text his mom and Megan to tell them what was happening, a little upset he didn't have Susan or Robert's phone numbers to link them in.

  **Ella was just taken for her CT scan. The nurse said she should be back in about an hour. Just an FYI. Could one of you please tell Susan and Robert? Thanks, see you both soon.**