Never Close Enough

by Anie Michaels

  “I know. I just wanted to be prepared.” She gently squeezed his arm and then she and Patrick left the waiting room.

  He walked towards her room, willing himself to take slow and even breaths, trying to keep calm and not lose his composure. He got to her door and could already hear the faint beeping noises coming from within. He placed his palm on the door and tried to gather the strength to push it open. He closed his eyes and all he saw was Ella, laughing on the beach, hair bowing in the wind, smiling at him. No matter how nervous he was to see her right now, he knew he had to be there for her, and seeing her smile in his mind was the last bit of strength he needed to walk through her door. The door opened silently and Ella slowly came into view.

  Porter drew in a shaky and uneven breath, unprepared to deal with the emotions seeing her lying helpless in a hospital bed would evoke in him. He stepped into the room letting the door close behind him. He was completely lost and didn’t know how he was supposed to handle any of this.

  The ventilator was definitely the worst part. Every few seconds he heard the muffled sound of air being pushed through the tube. Her chest was rising and falling in time to the machine. Each breath the machine took for her, took a little bit of his breath away. He knew it was necessary for her to be in this state for her to heal, but she looked so fragile like this. He had to look closely to see the strong willed woman who had told him off that first night he met her.

  She looked much like Megan had described: arm in a sling, bruising on her face, and bandage around her head. A flash of anger came over him when the thought about the bruising which, from what the officer had described, probably was a product of Kyle rather than the robbery. He took a tentative step towards her bed and tried to focus on the things about her that were unmarred.

  Her blonde hair laid beneath her, fanned out in its usual golden halo, peeking out from the bandages around her head. Her hands were still small and delicate. He looked at the hand that lay by her side and he stepped up the side of the bed to hold it. He sat next to her, gently took her hand in his, and brought it to his mouth laying a small kiss upon her knuckles. The instant his lips touched her skin, a dam inside of him broke, and there was nothing in the world that could tear her hand from him. Tears streamed down his face as he held her hand to his mouth, to his cheek, to his forehead. It was the only piece of her he could grasp on to, and he felt like he needed to keep it close to him. He held back sobs, trying to keep himself as together as possible, but he was slowly losing ground. Seeing her in the hospital bed, broken and unconscious, only brought terrible thoughts of loss to his mind. Suddenly he was very afraid.

  “Ella, baby,” he said between shuttering breaths, holding her hand to his cheek. “Please, I need you to be ok.” He placed another kiss on her hand and gave in to all the emotions rushing at him. He cried into her hand, sitting at her bedside, listening to a rhythm of beeps. “You need to wake up soon, Ella. I need to see your eyes and know that you are going to be all right.”

  He cried like he’d never cried before. Gasping sobs led to aching moans. Whispered pleas led to silent prayers. He cried until he felt like he had no more air in his lungs and no more energy to even stand upright. Eventually, exhaustion took over and he fell asleep hunched over with his head lying on the edge of the bed, Ella’s hand clasped in his.

  He woke to the sound of the door closing. When he looked up he saw Ella’s mother standing just inside the door. She was wearing different clothes than before and she looked at him with a small smile on her lips. Porter looked at the clock above Ella’s bed and noticed he’d been asleep for at least a few hours, and he felt it. He was still tired and his body ached from the strange position he’d been sleeping in, but he felt less panicked. Sleep had eased his nerves slightly.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother you,” Ella’s mother whispered. Porter placed a chaste kiss on Ella’s hand.

  “That’s ok. I’ve taken up way more time than I should have anyway,” Porter went to stand up and she waved him back down.

  “Nonsense. You stay as long as you want to.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Sinclair,” Porter said as he sat back down and resumed holding Ella’s hand.

  “Please, call me Susan.”

  “Thank you, Susan.”

  Susan came to Ella’s bedside and brushed her hand over Ella’s hair, then down her cheek. She leaned over Ella and kissed her on the forehead, eyes closed. She took the chair on the other side of Ella’s bed and sat down looking right at Porter.

  “Megan told me about how you and Ella met, but I wouldn’t mind hearing the story from you,” Susan said with a smile.

  “Well,” he started, rubbing one hand over the days’ worth of growth on his face, “she showed up at my mom’s bar last Friday and needed some help getting to her rental house after her car battery had died. My mom volunteered my services and I took her to her house and got her settled.” Porter grinned at the memory of the two of them bickering in his truck; she had been feisty from the beginning.

  “And she had told you about Kyle at that point?” Susan asked.

  “Yes and no. She had told my mom a detailed version while she was having a drink, but then told me a more abbreviated version on the way to her house, more out of frustration than anything else.” Susan shook her head to herself.

  “I cannot believe Kyle would do that to her.”

  “He doesn’t seem to be making very wise decisions lately,” Porter said through gritted teeth.

  “No, he doesn’t,” she said quietly. “Megan says that Ella has fallen in love with you. Is that true?”

  Porter looked down at his hand holding hers, unsure of where this line of questioning was going. “I hope so,” he answered. “I mean, I believe so.” Susan tilted her head to the side and looked at Porter with critical eyes.

  “And how do you feel about her?”

  “I love her more than I ever thought it would be possible to love anyone,” he said without a second of hesitation. A slow smile spread across Susan’s face.

  “Of course you do; she’s very easy to love.”

  “The easiest thing I’ve ever done was fall in love with Ella. She wasn’t convinced as easily as I was though. She was dealing with a lot of guilt over how quickly her feelings were growing. I think it was hard for her to justify the idea of loving someone so quickly; for whatever reason she felt like she was doing something wrong.”

  Susan nodded her head as if she understood what he was talking about. “Ella has always had an incredibly strong moral compass and I can see how she would fight her feelings for you not wanting other people to judge her. It seems, however, that you did a pretty good job of convincing her to move past those feelings.”

  Porter laughed a little to himself. “Actually, it was my mom that made the most effective argument to Ella. I think she was on the fence, but then my mother took it upon herself to talk to Ella about everything and that night she came back to me,” Porter said with a sad smile on his face.

  “She sounds like a woman I’d like to meet.”

  “Well, as soon as I tell my mom what happened I’m sure she’ll be here to worry over Ella in person.” Susan smiled at that.

  The door opened and a nurse walked in holding an I.V. bag of fluids.

  “Oh, look who’s awake this time,” she said looking right at Porter. The nurse was a short and round woman in her late fifties with short, spikey, brown hair. “All night, every time I came in to check her vitals you were sound asleep holding her hand. It was the cutest thing.” The nurse spoke as she switched out I.V. bags.

  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep here. I hope I didn’t cause any problems.”

  “Oh no, Dear, but I did have to take her hand from you to get her blood pressure.” The nurse moved around Ella, checking her vitals, adjusting her IV lines, taking her temperature.

  “Is everything ok with Ella?” Porter asked.

  “She is doing just fine. Her vitals have been stable all ni
ght and soon they will take her to do another CT scan to see if the swelling is coming down like it should be.”

  “And what about her gunshot wound?” Susan asked.

  “Oh, that is doing just fine as well. I know it sounds scary, being a gunshot wound and all, but she got really lucky and the bullet missed everything important. It’s still going to be a little painful healing, but she really could have had a lot more damage. As far as gunshots go, this is the best one she could have. The CT scan is scheduled for a few hours from now. I will be back in a little while to check her again.” The nurse left the room and the door closed behind. Porter turned to Susan, suddenly enraged thinking about someone pointing a gun and Ella. He was equally bothered by the fact that he wasn’t there to protect her.

  “Have you spoken to the police about the robbery? Have the found the person who did this?”

  “They really don’t have much to go on yet. Without being able to talk to Ella, all they really have is the video footage from Poppy’s surveillance cameras. I will forever thank the heavens above that Ella had that security system installed. If she hadn’t, who knows how long it would have been before someone had found her.”

  “I totally agree with you. Although, I would have found her about ten minutes later when I showed up.” Porter shook his head. “I am very glad that I wasn’t the one who found her though. I am not sure I would have handled that very well.”

  “What do you mean? Why would you have been the one to find her?” Susan looked confused.

  “Ella had called me before she went into the store. She and Kyle had a fight and she indicated that it had gotten physical. She was really upset. I got in my car and left right away to meet her at her store.” Porter looked back at Ella and paused for a moment. “I tried to get her to call Megan and go over to her house, but she said she didn’t want to bother her. If she had only called her, none of this would have ever happened.” He rubbed his hands over his face in frustration. “If I had just come back with her, none of this would have ever happened.”

  “What makes you think that Kyle had gotten violent?” Susan asked, almost in a whisper.

  “She was crying. She said she had tried to leave the apartment, but he wouldn’t let her. She also said that he hurt her jaw.” Susan’s eyes darted over to Ella’s face where the dark bruises were wrapped around her jaw. Her hand came over her mouth and new tears welled in her eyes. She jumped out of the chair and left the room. Porter looked back at Ella, feeling a little guilty that he had upset Susan. A few minutes later Megan came in. She was looking just as upset as her mother had.

  “Porter, the police are on their way and they are going to want to speak to you,” she said.

  “Ok, that’s fine. I expected as much.”

  “I think there’s been a misunderstanding. I assumed that either you or Ella had reported Kyle. When he was here last night I guess I thought he’d already been questioned.” Porter’s eyes became wide and crazed.

  “The police don’t know what he did to her?”

  “Not unless you’re the one who told them.”

  “The only cops I’ve seen since I got here were at the scene, and at that point I was so focused on getting to Ella it didn’t even occur to me to tell them about Kyle.”

  “I know. Everything was crazy.”

  “I didn’t even see a police officer here last night. I was waiting to see her, and then I fell asleep.”

  “Ok. Everything is ok. Will you talk to the police? Make sure you tell them everything.”

  “Of course I’ll tell them everything. I didn’t do this on purpose. Everything has just been so out of control. It just slipped my mind. I mean, I pretty much kicked the shit out of him.”

  Megan smiled. “Yes. Yes, you did.” Porter stood up from his chair, leaned down to give Ella a kiss on her forehead and then headed for the door.

  “I’m going to go talk to your mother. I feel terrible for upsetting her.” Megan nodded.

  “She is in the waiting room with my dad.” Porter found them sitting in the uncomfortable chairs along the wall of windows looking out over the river.

  “Mr. Sinclair,” Porter greeted Ella’s dad with a nod as he entered the room.

  “Please, call me Robert.” He stood up to shake Porter’s hand.

  “Robert, Susan, I am so sorry I didn’t tell you or the police about Kyle. With everything that happened yesterday, it didn’t occur to me that Kyle hadn’t been questioned by the police. I really didn’t give much thought to Kyle after I saw him in the waiting room.”

  “Yes,” Robert said slowly, “Megan told us that you took matters into your own hands.” Porter stood up a little straighter and squared his shoulders.

  “Yes, Sir. And I would do it again in a heartbeat. There’s no excuse for putting your hands on a woman. And if someone puts their hands on the woman I love, they better be prepared for me to put my hands on them. And my feet for that matter.”

  Robert smiled and patted Porter on the shoulder.

  “I agree. And thank you.” Porter nodded his head.

  “Again, I am very sorry I didn’t mention Kyle earlier. I should have.”

  “Don’t worry, Porter. The police are on their way to question you and Megan about Kyle. There was a lot going on last night and you were so upset. We’ll get it figured out.” Susan’s face went from went from compassionate to frightened and she brought her hand to her mouth. “You don’t think Kyle could have shot her, do you?” She said, turning to her husband.

  Robert wrapped an arm around her shoulders and rubbed her arm up and down, trying to soothe her. “Honey, I don’t think Kyle could shoot anyone, but at this point, I couldn’t really put it past him. Let’s give the police the information and let them do their job. They’ll find whoever did this to her.”

  Porter was chastising himself for even letting Kyle leave the hospital. At the time he was sure he would have killed him if he didn’t leave, but now he just wished he had kept calm so that the police could question him. If Kyle was the one who shot her, and he just let him walk away, he’d never forgive himself. Suddenly there was a pit in his stomach, and his heart was thumping so hard that he could feel the pressure in his brain. He turned and went back to Ella’s room.

  Once inside he looked to Megan. “Do you mind if I have a minute alone with her?” His eyes were pleading with her to give him some time.

  “Of course not, I’ll just be outside.” She stood and gave her sister’s hand a squeeze, and then left after giving him a supportive pat on the shoulder. He walked back to the chair he had vacated just minutes ago, but he felt like he’d been gone for hours. He was drained, emotionally and physically. He rested his elbows on the bed and his chin on his hands, wanting to just look at her. She did look just like she was sleeping. She even looked somewhat peaceful. She was deep in a restful sleep and his only wish was that when she woke, she would be well again. He sighed and took her hand in both of his, kissing the top of her hand, inhaling her scent which still had the lingering essence of vanilla. His lips smiled against her skin.

  “Even in the most sterile environment, you still smell of vanilla, my love.” He placed her palm on his cheek and tucked her hand in the crook of his neck. He stretched his hands up along her arm, hugging the one part of her body that was free to him. He wanted to crawl in the bed with her, but knew that wasn’t the wisest idea. He looked up at her closed eyes, breathed her in, and willed her to come back to him.

  “Baby, we need you now more than ever. You’re the only one who knows what happened, and who’s to blame. I’m not going to rest until the person who did this to you is being held responsible.” He sighed and dropped his gaze back down to the bed. “I promise if you make it through this, I will spend the rest of my life protecting you, Ella.” He felt the tears threatening again, but this time the tears were for him, not for Ella. He didn't know if he would ever extinguish the feeling of guilt; he didn't know if he even deserved to be rid of it and he was sure that as long a
s Ella lay in a hospital bed it would be impossible to escape it.

  About a half hour later, Megan and her mother came in and Porter decided to give them some space.

  “I'm going to head down to the cafeteria for a little bit, get some coffee or something. Can I bring you back anything?”

  “No, thank you,” Susan replied and Megan just gave him a warm smile. Porter made his way through the maze of the hospital, only having to ask an orderly once if he was on the right track to the cafeteria. Once he was there the sight of food made him feel even emptier. He knew he should probably eat something, but he couldn't convince his body to take anything in besides coffee. He sat a small table with his coffee. The table was near a window and he spent some time sipping and looking out over the busy city, watching cars roam around on the streets like ants. Boats were gently gliding along the river, some big and some small. The small ones were inconsequential, while the bigger ones caused a ruckus and stopped traffic while bridges were lifted. He couldn't help but think about how, at this moment, his life was stuck at a bridge that was lifted. Some big boat has come along and halted all the progress he'd made with Ella in the last ten days. He was on one side of the bridge and she was on the other. They were both stranded on either side and he was fighting like hell to get back to her, and he was hoping she was on the other side doing the same.

  He rubbed his hands over his face, trying to break apart his depressing thoughts. He pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed his mother, dreading the conversation they were about to have.

  “Hey, Honey, how are you doing?” His mother asked. Porter exhaled loudly, not sure how to begin to tell his mother what had happened to Ella.

  “Mom, I'm in Portland. Something's happened to Ella.”

  “Oh my goodness, Porter, is she ok? Are you ok?”

  “I am ok, yes. Ella is not.” Porter paused and took a deep breath. “Mom, Ella's store was robbed last night and she was there. She took a gunshot to the shoulder, but also hit her head.”

  “Oh my word, Porter, I'm so sorry.” He could hear his mother start to get upset and knew tears were forming in her eyes.