Never Close Enough

by Anie Michaels

  As he pulled into the emergency room parking lot, he prayed he wouldn’t have to find his way here again because it would be useless. He threw the truck in park and made his way to the admittance desk at the emergency room. A woman behind the desk smiled politely at him.

  “Can I help you, Sir?”

  “Yes. My girlfriend was brought here by ambulance a few minutes ago. I need to see her. Can you tell me where she is?”

  “What is her name?”

  “Ella. Ella Sinclair.” The woman behind the desk typed furiously, and when she stopped typing, she looked back up at him with strained eyes.

  “Ok, Miss Sinclair was taken into emergency surgery. You can take the elevator up to level 8 and you will see the surgical waiting room. Wait there and I will notate that she has visitors waiting. The surgeon will update you when they get a chance.”

  “Surgery? What happened to her? What are her injuries?”

  “Sir, I cannot tell you any more information. You will have to wait until the doctor updates you. I am sorry.”

  Porter felt like a mouse in a maze. All he wanted was to get to Ella, but every road was a dead end. His hands gripped the woman’s desk so hard he began to feel tingling in his fingers. He bent down so that his head level with the counter, trying to reign in the frustration that was slowly taking over. He took a few deep breaths and then pushed off the desk and headed towards the elevators.

  Once he was in the waiting room, he couldn’t sit still. The room was empty but for some chairs and a few magazines. A television was hanging from the ceiling in the corner of the room, but it was turned down low and Porter couldn’t concentrate on anything except watching the door, waiting for someone to come and tell him that Ella would be fine. That she would be released shortly and that her injuries were minimal. He would go to see her and she would smile at him and he would kiss her forehead and hold her hand while she slept.

  He heard the door open and his head snapped up hoping to talk to a doctor about Ella, but the only person who came in the room was another man who was obviously waiting for someone as well. He looked like he’d had better days. His nose looked broken and Porter assumed he’d been in some sort of car accident and was waiting for someone, just like he was. The two men made eye contact and exchanged small smiles of commiseration.

  Porter sat until he felt like he was going to explode. He started to pace around the room but nothing seemed to help. All he kept thinking about was how he might be losing Ella that very moment and how he would never be able to tell her he loved her again, or feel the warmth of her hand in his. He would give anything just to hold her and know everything was going to be ok.

  Suddenly, the door opened again and Porter hopefully looked towards the door and let out a sigh when he saw Megan come through the doors. Megan looked at him with a confused look. Then her eyes moved to the other man in the room and he saw a panic come over her.

  “Porter? What are you doing here?” Megan walked towards him.

  “Ella called me and asked me to pick her up from her store, but when I got there the police told me she had been taken here.”

  Megan’s eyes darted to the other man in the room again. He was sitting in his chair watching Porter and Megan.

  “Have you heard anything about her condition?” Porter asked Megan.

  “How do you know Ella?” The man asked as he slowly stood from his chair. Porter turned towards the man.

  “Excuse me?”

  “I said,” his voice sounding serious all of a sudden, “How you know Ella?”

  Porter didn’t exactly know how to answer that question. He told the woman at the admittance desk that Ella was his girlfriend, but the labels of boyfriend and girlfriend seemed to pale in significance for what he felt towards her. He hated to cheapen their relationship by calling her a girlfriend when he felt like she mattered so much more than the word implied.

  “She’s my girlfriend.”

  “Oh, really?” The man said with a smile on his face that looked more menacing than friendly.

  “Kyle, calm down,” Megan said. “Why are you even here?”

  “I’m Ella’s in-case-of-emergency person. The hospital called me when she was brought in.”

  Realization dawned on Porter and he saw red. He lunged across the room at Kyle and his fist instantly connected with his jaw. Kyle reeled backwards from the blow but stayed on his feet. He heard Megan scream in the back of his mind, but continued towards Kyle. He wrapped both of his hands around his neck and slammed his head up against the wall, bringing his face just inches from Kyle’s.

  “What the hell did you do to her?” Kyle sputtered and coughed, not able to get enough air into his system to speak clearly. “I’ll kill you for putting your hands on her,” Porter growled. He removed one hand from Kyle’s neck and slammed his fist into his stomach. Kyle fell to his knees, one hand one the ground the other hand clenching his stomach. He raised his head and looked at Porter.

  “You must be the rebound fuck Ella found at the beach,” Kyle said, spitting blood onto the floor. “I didn’t do this to Ella. She was fine when she left the apartment. I don’t know what happened after she left, but I had nothing to do with it.”

  “Kyle, you better get the hell out of here before security comes and before Porter kicks your ass,” Megan said.

  “I’m going to kick his ass regardless of whether or not he leaves. But if he leaves now I might let his nose heal before I break it again,” Porter said, then pulled a foot back and plowed it into Kyle’s stomach. Kyle let out a groan when Porter’s booted foot connected with his stomach and he rolled onto his side.

  “Fuck you and fuck her, man. She isn’t even worth this shit,” Kyle mumbled from the floor. “You can have her.”

  Porter lost every ounce of restraint he was holding on to and leapt at him again, but was stopped cold when Megan stepped in between them and placed her hands on Porter’s shoulders trying to hold him back. Megan was no match for Porter and she couldn’t have held him back if she tried, but Porter wasn’t about to hurt Megan to get to Kyle; that wasn’t his style.

  “Porter, you have to calm down. They’re going to kick you out of here and then who will be here for Ella? She needs you to be here when she gets out of surgery.” Porter took a few deep breaths and knew Megan was right. Porter looked at Kyle over Megan’s shoulder.

  “Take your sorry ass out of this hospital right now. Go back to Ella’s house and pack up. You have twelve hours to move your shit out of her apartment and then you will never see her again. Do you understand me? If you ever so much as speak her name I will find you and beat the living shit out of you. Are we clear?”

  “Fuck you.”

  “Kyle, shut the hell up and go,” Megan intervened. “I will call on the cops on both of you if you don’t leave. Now.” Kyle struggled to get to his feet, but eventually made his way towards the door. He opened the door but before he walked through it he turned his head towards Porter.

  “Have fun with that frigid bitch. She’s as cold as they come, and you’d be smart to just walk away now,” Kyle spat the words out.

  “Get. The. Fuck. Out. Now.” Porter’s body shook and did everything he could to hold himself together. Kyle left the waiting room and Porter remained standing in front of Megan. She left her hands on his shoulders and looked as though she was afraid that if she removed them he’d go running after Kyle to finish what he’d started. Porter took a deep breath in and it came out in a rush and he felt a wave of tension flow through him and finally leave his body. He was suddenly very tired and really wanted to sit down.

  “I’m fine now, Megan. Thank you for stepping in and stopping me. I’m not sure I would have stopped on my own.” Porter ran his hands through his hair as he collapsed into a chair.

  “I suggest you pull yourself together. My parents are on their way here and I’m sure they’ll be surprised to meet you under these circumstances.”

  Porter stood up and left the room. He walked down the
hall until he found a restroom. He shoved the door open with so much force it bounced back against the wall. He walked to the sink and splashed water on his face, trying to bring himself out of the haze of rage. Fighting was not something he was used to and it wasn’t something he enjoyed doing. But knowing that Kyle had caused the panic he heard in Ella’s voice the last time he spoke to her was more than enough ammunition to kick his deep-rooted protector role into action. Kyle’s hateful words about her only pushed him farther past the point of no return. Porter rested his face in his hands and tried taking deep breaths, but the adrenaline was coursing through his system and making breathing regularly a chore.

  Suddenly his heaving breaths were joined by hot tears in his eyes. The stress of not knowing what was wrong with Ella was bottoming out his soul. He remembered how devastated he had felt when they hadn’t spoken for a day. He’d gladly go back, never speak to her or hold her again, never kiss her lips or tuck her golden hair behind her ear, if only he could know she was going to be ok. He fisted his hair, pulled on the roots, and hoped to alleviate the aching pain in his chest through distraction. He took a few minutes to continue to calm himself. He would be no use to anyone if he couldn’t keep his emotions in check.

  After he finally felt like he could control himself, he walked back to the waiting room. When he entered the room he saw Megan sitting next to a man who looked to be about her age. He held her hand and she rested her head on his shoulder. Next to her sat the two people he assumed were Ella’s parents. Her dad sat silently with one arm crossed over his chest while his other hand cupped his jaw. Her mom stood next to the window looking out at the Portland skyline, wiping tears from her eyes every few seconds. She was exactly what Porter imagined Ella would look like in twenty five years. Megan lifted her head to look at her mother and gestured towards Porter.

  “Mom, Dad, this is Porter. He’s here to see Ella too.” Porter took a few steps towards them with his hand out.

  “Mr. Sinclair, Mrs. Sinclair. I am glad to meet you, although these circumstances are a less than what I was hoping for.”

  “I’m sure Ella will be thankful to have the support of her friends,” Mr. Sinclair said as he shook Porter’s hand.

  “Nice to meet you,” Mrs. Sinclair all but whispered.

  He turned to Megan. “Have you heard anything yet?” Megan didn’t bother answering she just shook her head.

  “Megan, I thought you said Kyle called to tell you about Ella. Where is he? Has he been here yet? How is he holding up?” Ella’s mom looked at Megan with confusion. Megan let out a loud breath and Porter knew she was bracing herself for the onslaught of questions she would have to answer once she revealed everything that had transpired in the last week. She stood and walked over to where her mother was standing, placing a cautious hand on her shoulder.

  “Mom, I know this is going to be hard for you to understand, but I need you to listen to me carefully. Last week, Ella caught Kyle cheating on her.” Porter watched as Mrs. Sinclair’s hand flew to her mouth and she started crying harder. Megan told her the entire story, as Ella had relayed it to her throughout the week. Her parent’s eyes both darted back and forth between him and Megan.

  As Porter listened to her explain their situation, it only made his memory torture him with flashbacks of the time they’d spent together over the last week. He remembered how wet and irritated she looked the first time he saw her at the bar. He remembered the dress she wore on their first date. He remembered when she’d kissed him for the first time. He wanted more kisses with Ella and not knowing if she was ok was killing him. Porter came out of his memories and was back in the waiting room.

  “Mom, Ella really loves Porter. She would want him here and she would want you to know how much she cares about him.”

  Just then a man in a white coat came into the waiting room.

  “I’m Dr. Andrews. Are you all waiting for Ella Sinclair?”

  “Yes,” Ella’s father stepped forward. “Is she ok?”

  “Ella is in recovery. She made it through the surgery.” A collective sigh waved through the room and Ella’s mother let out a cry as the emotions of learning Ella was still alive took her over. Porter stepped towards the doctor.

  “What happened to her? What are her injuries?”

  “She had a gunshot to the shoulder when she was brought to the hospital. She also had a head injury. It would seem that when the bullet hit her in the shoulder it caused her to fall and the back of her head came into contact with some hard surface. Whether that was the floor or something else, I cannot be sure. It really doesn’t matter. While the gunshot is a serious injury, it luckily was a simple, clean, wound. The bullet went in the front and out the back without damaging any major arteries or muscles. She was lucky in that regard.” Porter saw the doctor stop and take a breath, and he knew the worst news was yet to come.

  “Unfortunately, the head injury is what we are most worried about. It seems that she hit her head hard enough to cause a major concussion, which has cause a little bit of bleeding and a significant amount of swelling.”

  “What does that mean?” Porter asked.

  “Well, it means that we had to cut into her skull to relieve some of the pressure the swelling was causing. We were able to stop the bleeding, but we are still concerned about the swelling. Until we see the swelling come down we are going to keep her in a medically induced coma.”

  “A coma?” Ella’s mother practically shrieked with her hand covering her mouth. Her father pulled her into a hug and wrapped his arms around her, cradling her head and smoothing down her hair.

  “Will she be ok?” Megan asked quietly.

  “It is too early to be sure about prognosis, but the next 24 to 48 hours will critical. We are doing everything we can to bring the swelling down, but it really is out of our hands at this point. Ella is in the ICU, and you may go see her, but only two people at a time.”

  “Thank you doctor,” Ella’s father said.

  “You’re very welcome. I will take good care of her.” Dr. Andrews turned and walked out of the waiting room.

  Porter watched as Megan turned to Patrick and found her comfort in his embrace. Ella’s parents were quietly crying into each other’s arms. He was painfully aware of the fact that at that very moment the only person he wanted in his arms was somewhere in this hospital fighting for her life. He had never felt more alone in his life, but he was determined to stay strong for Ella.

  Chapter Twenty

  Porter

  He could see her in his mind. Sleeping. Peaceful. Angelic, even. She was asleep on her stomach, her arms tucked under her pillow, her golden hair fanned out behind her. Her mouth was slightly open and when she breathed he could hear the gentle swoosh of the air moving in and out, reminding him of the sound of the ocean. She wasn’t wearing any clothes; he had stripped her of those many hours ago in an attempt to rid them of any barriers between them. He had needed to feel her skin on his.

  The blanket was covering her from the waist down. His eyes roamed over the curve of her spine, trailing from her shoulders down to the swell of her hips. Her skin was flawless, freckled, and perfect. He ached to run his hand down the ravine her spine created, but didn’t want to wake her. He was mesmerized by the sight of her and wanted to stay in the moment as long as possible.

  Even though the bed was big, and she could very well be at the other side, she was snuggled up next to him, as close to him as possible. That was what it was like to be around her. She was missing from him even when she was with him, she was giving him everything even though he still longed for more, and she was as close to him as possible but it was never close enough.

  She stirred and turned her head so she was facing away from him. The familiar scent of vanilla wafted to him as her hair fanned out next to his face. He silently groaned, wrapped his arms around her middle pulling her into his chest, and nuzzled into the crook of her neck. She reached up to run her fingers through his hair and gently caressed him as he cheris
hed her. Her hand fell away and found his as she lazily twined her fingers around his as he held her close.

  “I love you,” he whispered into her neck.

  “I love you too,” she sighed. “Let’s go back to sleep.”

  “Porter.” Megan’s voice pulled him out of the memory of Ella asleep in his bed just that morning.

  “Yes?”

  “My parents are done visiting her for now. Patrick and I are going to go get some coffee. You can go in and see her if you’d like.” Porter rubbed his hands over his face, trying to bring himself fully back into reality.

  A hospital volunteer had brought the five of them to the ICU waiting room a few hours ago. Ella’s parents had gone in to see her first and when they came out Porter saw the overwhelming sadness in her mother’s eyes. She had turned to her husband and cried into his chest for quite a while. Megan and Patrick had gone in to see her next, and Megan had a similar look to her when she emerged. They had offered to let Porter go in, but he’d declined. He wanted desperately to see her, but felt that he should allow her family as much time with her as possible before he had his turn. So her parents went in to visit again before they would go home to get some sleep. Leaving the hospital was not on Porter’s short list of things to do, so he would give them have as much time as they wanted without intruding.

  “Thanks.” He stood up and took a deep breath. “Megan?”

  “Yeah?” She turned back around towards him.

  “What am I walking into in there? How bad is it?”

  Megan took in a deep breath and then let it out in one big gust. “Mostly, she just looks like she’s sleeping. But she has some pretty decent bruising on her face and there’s a bandage around her head. Her arm’s in a sling. It’s the machines that are the scariest. The ventilator is the worst part.” She walked over to him and rubbed her hand up and down his arm. “She’s going to be ok, Porter. She’s the strongest person I know and there’s no way she’d let a little bump on the head keep her down long. But she needs you in there.”