At This Moment (Of Love and Madness #1)

by Karen Cimms

  Billy buckled Rhiannon into the highchair at Palermo’s as Kate slid across the red leatherette bench and picked up the menu.

  “You like it, too. Besides, I like to think of it as our place.”

  “Yeah, but we could come here any time. We could’ve gotten a babysitter, gone into the city, seen a show. Your parents offered to watch her.”

  “I’m not sure I’m ready for that yet. And with you gone so much lately, I didn’t think you’d want her away overnight.”

  He ran his fingers through Rhiannon’s yellow curls before he slipped into the booth. “Just as long as I get some alone time with the birthday girl, I’m good.” He handed Rhiannon a spoon, which she began banging on the tray of the highchair.

  It felt good to have Billy home. He’d finished recording the lullaby album in late February, and Christa had kept her promise. Viper had so many bookings he was away more than he was home. Some of the trips, especially the ones to the West Coast, had lasted several weeks.

  They weren’t opening for any big names yet, but Billy seemed content. In fact, although he swore he didn’t like being gone so long, he was about as happy as she had ever seen him, especially whenever they were booked in the Pacific Northwest. The music emerging from that area, especially the alternative rock coming out of Seattle, struck a chord with him. It was all he could talk about some days.

  “So, the usual?” he asked, scanning the menu.

  “I don’t know. I might have eggplant parmigiana.”

  “Really?” He looked up surprised. “You always order the same thing—meatball sub, French fries, brown gravy. I thought that was the main reason we come here.”

  “I’m just craving something different.” She glanced at him over her menu, watching as he read the specials.

  He flopped his menu onto the table. “I’m gonna have the mussels in garlic and butter over linguine.”

  Her stomach pitched, and bile rose to the back of her throat. “Please don’t. All that garlic, you know, and the smell?”

  He smirked as he reached for the menu he’d just set down. “Oh, but you can eat liverwurst?”

  She clapped her hand over her mouth and scrambled to her feet. “Excuse me,” she gasped, rushing toward the hallway leading to the restrooms. The ladies’ room door was locked. Dammit! Thank God no one was in the men’s room. She yanked open the door and made it to the toilet just in time. After she’d emptied her stomach and was sure the nausea had passed, she ran cold water into the palm of her hand and tried to rinse out her mouth.

  “Subtle,” she muttered to her reflection as she dabbed a wet paper towel over her runny mascara.

  When she opened the door, she was startled to find Billy leaning against the wall opposite the men’s room, his arms folded. From where she stood she could see the waitress playing with Rhiannon. Pressing her lips together, she raised her eyes slowly until they met Billy’s.

  “I’m guessing there’s something you’d like to tell me.”

  She tried to gauge his mood—not that it mattered. Not only was the cat out of the bag, it had just caused her to hurl in the men’s room.

  “Surprise!” she said in a shaky voice.

  His lips curled into the smile that still made her knees weak.

  “It certainly is.”

  Billy set his Martin in the corner of Rhiannon’s room, careful not to wake her. He leaned over the crib, soothed by the rhythm of her breathing. It was one of the things he missed when he was away: sitting in the dark, listening to the sounds his child makes, knowing she was safe.

  He twirled a soft curl between his fingers. Although he’d been away a lot, he hadn’t missed most of the important firsts—yet. He’d been there when she rolled over, when she sat up, and when she crawled. He’d even been there the first time she stood. She’d crawled toward him while he was changing strings, then pulled herself up using his foot and then his amp.

  What he would miss was her first birthday, and that was killing him. He was booked on a tour through Europe. Given the timing, chances were pretty good he’d miss her first steps, too. That was one of the reasons he’d given Katie the video camera for her birthday. It had all the latest technology and was small enough to drop into the diaper bag. It had cost him almost $1,800, but it would be worth it. Of course, that was before he knew they were having another baby. He planted a kiss on his daughter’s soft cheek and pulled the bedroom door shut.

  Kate was sitting up in bed, thumbing through the instruction manual. The video camera lay on the bed in a jumble of cords and blank cassettes. It was hard to look at her without feeling as if his heart would bust wide open, not to mention the other part of him that responded just as enthusiastically.

  “She asleep?”

  “Yep.” He pulled his T-shirt over his head and tossed it into the corner. “Although she was fighting it, especially while I was singing.” He unbuckled his belt and the button on his jeans. They dropped to the floor. He kicked them into the corner, then fell onto the bed beside her.

  “I’m not surprised. She misses you.”

  He picked up the camera and peered at her through the viewfinder. “What about you? You miss me, too?”

  Sad eyes met his. She never complained, never said she didn’t want him to leave, but he knew she wasn’t happy he was gone so much. Even if she didn’t say it, he could feel it. Somehow, that made it worse. She gave him a tremulous smile. “Of course I do.”

  He tugged the manual from her hands and scooted forward to nibble at her lower lip. “How about I show you how much I’ve missed you?”

  Later, as Kate lay curled around him like a vine, she pointed out that he was taking the news of her pregnancy well.

  He was. He was also being careful not to make another misstep like the last time he found out she was pregnant. He smiled indulgently and rubbed his thumb against the base of her neck. “I’m kind of surprised, since I thought you couldn’t get pregnant while you were nursing. But I knew we’d eventually have more kids. If I remember correctly, you want five.”

  “I do. Just not all before my twenty-first birthday.” She shimmied on top of him, her hair raining down on either side of his face. “So you’re really okay? You’re not angry? I didn’t plan this, you know. I was as surprised as you.”

  Her eyes were a deep jade in the low light. He tucked her hair behind her ear.

  “You want an honest answer?”

  Her face fell.

  He pressed two fingers against her lips. “Just listen. Before I met you, I didn’t want any kids. I didn’t want to be responsible for fucking up somebody else’s life. I didn’t even want a relationship. I wanted to worry about me and nobody else. And then there you were. All you did was look at me, and I was a goner. Falling in love with you was the best thing I’ve ever done. I have no idea how to be a parent, but as long as I get to do it with you, then whatever you want, Katie. You want another kid? Two more? Three? I’m okay with that. In fact, I think it’s great.”

  Chapter Forty-Five

  February 20, 1991

  “Slimming?” Kate held the green velvet gown over her swollen belly. “I look like a whale.”

  “It’s perfect,” Joey yelled over his mobile phone. “Would I make you wear something that didn’t make you look beautiful? You’re my best advertisement.”

  “You’re full of shit and you know it. I thought Christa was your best advertisement.”

  “She pays me to make her look good. You, I do for free. The dress is perfect. I just feel bad I can’t do your hair and makeup.”

  “Like you said, she pays you. I’m not paying you, because whether you work your magic or not, I’m gonna look like a whale in an evening gown.”

  “You’re breaking up!” His words were bracketed by static. “I’m almost to Christa’s. I’ll see you later. You’re going to look fabulous!”

  With Joey’s voice ringing in her ears, Kate fingered the buttery velvet as she slipped the gown onto its padded hanger. It was a beautiful dre
ss, and she was lucky he’d found it. If only she didn’t look like—

  A sharp pain shot through her abdomen. She gripped the doorknob until it passed.

  Nature was telling her to slow down. And she would. Tomorrow. In the meantime, she had to make lunch and get Rhiannon down for a nap, or she’d be miserable by the time the babysitter arrived.

  On her way to the kitchen, Kate peeked in on her daughter. Billy sat cross-legged on the floor while Rhiannon brushed his hair. Judging by the tiny jewel-studded tiara and strands of multicolored beads he wore, she guessed their daughter was getting him ready for his big night.

  “I think that’s exactly how you should go.”

  He looked up, his face splitting into a wide grin.

  “Tempting, but I’m sure Joey didn’t go through all that trouble to find a tux in my size so I could go in a T-shirt and tiara. I’d hate to disappoint him.”

  “You’d rather disappoint your daughter?” she asked in mock horror. “Besides, if you go looking like that, no one will notice I look like Shamu.”

  Rockin’ My Baby had not only been an enormous hit, it had landed Billy a Grammy nomination for Best Instrumental Arrangement. While the album didn’t lend itself to a concert tour—nobody wanted to sit through a concert with an audience of wailing infants—Billy’s success meant Viper was booked solid for the next few months. That, combined with the record sales, had finally provided them with a measure of financial security.

  They were even looking to buy a house. The timing was perfect, since they were outgrowing their tiny apartment at warp speed. The only thing standing in their way was that they couldn’t agree on where to live.

  Having come to a tense but civil understanding with her parents, the idea of moving back to Belleville had begun to sound more and more attractive. The promise of trustworthy babysitters and the possibility of spending a night or two on the road with Billy had been dangled in front of her like a carrot. But Billy adamantly refused; he wouldn’t even discuss it. He wanted to remain closer to Manhattan and the airports. And lately he’d begun dropping hints about moving to Seattle. The thought of moving across the country was terrifying.

  They had looked at houses in Bayonne, but they were small, with little more to offer than a third bedroom, maybe a garage or a basement, and a huge price tag. The last time she’d gone back home for a visit, she’d fallen in love with a two-hundred-year-old farmhouse that, while also small, was bigger than anything they’d seen in the city. It needed work, but it had potential: two relatively private acres, a garage, and was more than $50,000 cheaper than anything else they’d seen. Billy agreed it was a better deal, but he wouldn’t budge. At this rate, they’d be living in their cramped apartment forever.

  “How about some lunch?” she asked. “Then a nap.”

  “Good, cuz I need one.” He faked a yawn, then grabbed Rhiannon and tickled her. “But I think Mommy means you!” Rhiannon dissolved into giggles as Kate headed for the kitchen. She was thinking there was no sweeter sound than her daughter’s laughter, when another stabbing pain shot through her. Placing her hand on the swell of her belly, she felt the abdominal wall grow hard beneath her fingers.

  “Oh dear God.” She inhaled sharply. “This can’t be happening.”

  A third contraction gripped her as she was making lunch. Sinking into a seat at the kitchen table, she took long, slow breaths until it was over.

  When it had passed, she set the grilled cheese sandwiches on the plates and called Billy and Rhiannon in for lunch.

  Afraid of another contraction while they were eating, she quickly downed half her sandwich, then told Billy she was going to lie down for a bit.

  He was trying to coax Rhiannon into finishing her lunch. “That’s a great idea,” he said distractedly. “That way you won’t be tired later.” He looked up hopefully. “I know it’s asking a lot, but I’d really like to hit that afterparty.”

  “Sure.” She hurried from the kitchen as another contraction formed low in her belly. They were starting out so strong, she held out slim hope that it was false labor. Once it passed, she dialed Joey and left a message with his service. Then she lay down, hoping that whatever seemed determined to start would stop.

  Twenty minutes and two contractions later, the bedroom door opened. Billy quietly stripped down for his shower. When he’d gone into the bathroom, she opened her eyes and looked mournfully at the beautiful gown hanging next to his borrowed tux. She’d spent hours agonizing over a dress, and now she might not get to wear it after all.

  Once the shower had been running awhile and she was sure the bathroom would be filled with steam, making her face difficult to see, she opened the door.

  “Babe? I’m not feeling well.”

  He pulled the curtain aside, then swiped at the lather dripping into his eyes.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I kinda have a headache, and I feel sick to my stomach.” She was such a terrible liar.

  “You’re kidding.” His face fell. “Do you think you’re in labor?”

  Shit. A direct question. “It isn’t like last time,” she stammered. This was true. Last time, her water had broken first, and she hadn’t had any pain or contractions for hours. This time, though, her water was intact but she was in a hell of a lot of pain.

  “Oh, Katie. I don’t want to go without you.”

  She wasn’t going to let anything short of crowning keep him from going.

  “I know, but you have to go. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe I ate something that didn’t agree with me. Maybe it’s a bug.” Maybe I’m about to pop out a baby.

  “Lie down. We’ll see how you feel later. Then we’ll decide.”

  She nodded, although she was pretty sure things were only going to progress from here.

  The phone was ringing when she stepped into the hall.

  “What?” Joey yelled over the street noise.

  “Where are you?”

  “I just finished up at Christa’s. I’m heading home to change.”

  “How does she look?” She hoped he’d describe a huge zit or say he was unable to do anything with the hairy wart on her chin, or maybe that her giant boobs had deflated.

  “Fabulous,” he gloated.

  “Fuck you,” she mumbled.

  “What?”

  “So true.”

  “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said. What’s up?”

  If she told him the truth, he’d make her tell Billy. Lie number two coming up.

  “I’m sick. I’m not going.”

  “You have to go!”

  “Trust me, it’s not a good idea. I was hoping you’d keep me company.”

  Silence.

  “Are you contagious?”

  “Pretty sure I’m not contagious.”

  “Then what’s wrong with you?”

  “Headache and upset stomach.”

  “Sounds contagious.”

  Joey wasn’t going to the awards, but Christa had wrangled him invitations to some of the afterparties, including the one hosted by Sirenic Records.

  “I promise.” Kate gritted her teeth against another contraction. “I’m not contagious. Maybe a little food poisoning.” All this lying was giving her a real headache.

  “Food poisoning?”

  “Please. I’d just feel better having you here while Billy’s gone. You can still make the party after he gets back.”

  “He’s going without you?”

  She hadn’t gotten that far, but what was one more lie? “Yes. Please?”

  “Jeez, Kate. This is my first awards season, and I’m gonna miss the first party of the year.”

  “Oh honey, you have so many parties in your future, you’ll be turning down invitations left and right.”

  “Yeah, right.” She could hear the disappointment in his voice, but she knew he wouldn’t let her down. “I need to make a quick stop at my apartment, then I’ll head out. Need me to bring anything?”

  “Just your sense of humor.”
<
br />   She hung up before he could ask what she’d meant by that.

  “Any better?” Billy stood in the doorway, his hair dripping and a towel wrapped around his waist.

  She shook her head.

  “This sucks.” He rubbed a second towel over his head. “Can’t you take an aspirin or something? This is a big night for me—for us.”

  He was trying to hide his irritation. The last thing she wanted was for him to be upset with her, but it would be better for him to be annoyed than to sit home and wait for something that could take hours. To distract him, she gave his towel a quick tug, and it fell to the floor. She ran her hands over his chest and the tight ridges of his stomach, then wrapped her arms around his waist, or at least tried to.

  “I miss you,” she whispered against his chest, still damp from the shower. “I miss this.”

  “If you’re worried about how big you are, don’t be,” he said, trying to be helpful. “It’s obvious you’re not fat.”

  She rolled her eyes, glad that he couldn’t see it.

  He held her for a moment, then gave her a quick pat on the ass. “I guess if I’m going, I better get ready.”

  Kate ducked into the bathroom ahead of another contraction. Her knuckles turned white as she gripped the edge of the sink. It hurt like hell, but so far the contractions remained irregular and widely spaced. When she could move, she slunk out to the couch, trying to stay out of his way while he got ready.

  When he finally emerged, he looked so incredibly handsome that the disappointment almost did her in. Maybe she would just take her chances. There were plenty of hospitals in New York if her labor progressed. But then common sense prevailed. It would be much worse to go and then have to make him leave.

  “You’ll be the best-looking one there.” She tried to ignore the lump in her throat and straightened the black bow tie above his black wing collar shirt. “I wish I could see Asher Drake’s face when he gets a load of you.”

  “I’m sure he’s forgotten me by now,” he said as she pulled a couple long blond strands from his jacket. “Are you sure you aren’t up to going? It doesn’t feel right to go without you.”