I'd Rather Not Be Dead

by Andrea Brokaw

  Bess comes up beside me, Fray close at her side. “That's right, baby,” she whispers. “Fight her. You're stronger than she is.”

  Finn squats, takes a hold of the other me's shoulders and hefts her further into the pool. She jerks as the water comes up over her chest, bucking against him when he presses down on her. Her head goes under.

  Fray, Bess, and I all jerk forward, but catch ourselves. Fray frowns furiously, his head tilted and his eyes flickering with what I hope are brilliant thoughts about to solve all our problems.

  Finn screams, letting go and falling back to allow TOM to sputter to the surface. Spitting water as she twists toward the edge of the pool, TOM lurches for dry land.

  She'd make it if it weren't for Ricky jumping in the way.

  “Leave her alone!” he yells, smashing against her in a rolling tackle that takes both of them back to Finn, who sits in the middle of the pool with his eyes tightly shut while his body jerks and jolts.

  “Get the Woodman brat out of here,” Fray orders, looking at Finn's mom for long enough to get a nod back before stepping cautiously toward the fracas.

  “What are you doing?” I ask, receiving only an annoyed shushing sound in response.

  Finn's eyes are still closed, but his arms have reached around to grab TOM. He's holding her tightly, not letting her get away even though she's squirming frantically, but he's not doing anything to hurt her. It's impossible to tell if he's holding her because Elza wants to hurt her or if he's doing it because he's trying to stop her from hurting herself.

  With one quick pull on her hair, Finn's mom steps out of Shadow, plants her fists on her hips, and glares at Ricky, who lets out a girlish gasp of surprise.

  “Your mother would be ashamed of you,” Bess opens, striking swiftly to the heart of the matter as a gust of wind sweeps through the trees.

  “No,” Ricky denies, shaking his head. He backs along the edge of the water, coming up against the mountain near where the pool disappears into rock. “No, my mom's proud of me. I'm doing God's work!”

  With a soft snort, I turn my head from them and walk to stand by Fray, who's watching TOM and Finn with an attitude of helplessness. I bite my lip and wish I had a way to tell myself to stop struggling, to let her know all the energy Finn's spending dealing with her would be better spent breaking Elza's hold on him.

  “God's work?” Bess sneers at Ricky. “You honestly think that God wants you drugging an innocent girl? God wants you drowning her?”

  “Drew's possessed by a demon,” Ricky explains, his face devoid of color.

  “Ask about Tanya,” I interject, not looking over. “She's sleeping off a dose in his car.”

  Bess hisses, looking appalled as only a librarian can. “How did Tanya offend God?”

  Ricky struggles for breath. “She didn't think we should force the demon out, but-”

  “So you drugged her?”

  Bess's tone would make the most hardened of felons feel ashamed of themselves.

  “She was going to tell!”

  “Can't we help?” I ask Fray, leaving him standing on the edge of the water to take a few steps into the pool. It's a strange sensation to know you're standing in water yet not feel wet.

  “I'm trying to think,” Fray hisses. “Don't do anything stupid.”

  I don't bother responding to him.

  “I knew your mother,” Bess says. “She wouldn't be proud of this. She'd be mortified.”

  “She-”

  “No!” The shout echoes from the trees and I look at Bess in surprise. She's trembling with anger. “You haven't been visited by an angel, child. You've been tricked by a demon.”

  No color at all in his face, Ricky shakes his head in mute denial, but I can almost see the pieces of fact clicking into place in his mind.

  “You know God wouldn't ask this,” Bess tells him, somehow making her voice softer and less antagonizing. “You know your mother wouldn't ask it.”

  “I-”

  “You know it,” Bess cuts off whatever comeback Ricky was forming. “I want you to go back to the car and think about it. Think long and hard.”

  He looks around Bess, sees TOM and Finn, still in the same place in the middle of the pool. TOM's getting stronger, trying harder to break free.

  “I'll handle them,” Bess tells him. “Go!”

  He goes.

  When she turns and I see the expression in her eyes, I wonder how he kept himself from going a long time ago. Most people would have taken one look and ran screaming.

  Seeing Bess is enough to stop TOM's fight. Her eyes struggle to focus on the woman.

  The sudden cessation of movement makes Finn tense even more, until I start to wonder whether he's strong enough to kill me just trying to hold on. I wade through the pool until I can touch his arm. His muscles thrum with energy. “Finn?”

  His whole body shakes, causing TOM to start wiggling again. She rams her head back, barely missing his face. The water churns as she tries to move her legs, tries to kick herself free.

  “Ricky's gone, Finn. It's just us.”

  He laughs. It's an ugly sound, a sound that didn't come from him for all that it burst from his throat.

  “She can't control you, Finn.”

  “What do you think I'm doing?” Elza asks through Finn's mouth.

  Bess snorts from somewhere behind me. “Spare us the drama. If you were really in charge, she'd be dead by now.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  “Finn's never going to hurt me,” I state, perfectly confident that however freakish a hold Elza has, it's not strong enough for that. “The second you push him, he'll break free.”

  His lips smirk and in a blur of motion, he topples to the side, pulling TOM along with him until they're both under the surface.

  Bess and Fray spring into motion of the same time, both of them grabbing at Finn. He lurches out of reach just before they get to him, letting go of TOM and putting as much space between them as he can.

  When his eyes, wide and horrified, lock onto mine, they're blazing with rage. But they're his eyes again.

  I leap at him, throwing my arms around his neck and holding him as tight as I can. “Told her so,” I whisper.

  He hugs back, an odd tremble in his hold.

  “Mom,” he whispers, his voice a portrayal of agony.

  Mom? Secure in the vice of apprehension, I turn. And instinctively, my arm shoots out in front of Finn, as though my arm could possibly stop him from charging if he broke out of his frozen state.

  Near the living version of me, who's crawled out of the water and is gasping for breath, Bess is still in the pool, kneeling where she fell when she was trying to get to Finn. But the personality glaring at us isn't Finn's mom. It's Elza. She just changed bodies.

  I grab Finn's and squeeze it tightly. Please don't do anything stupid, Finn...

  Eyes locked on Bess's, I summon my anger, letting it shield against fear. Though I resist the urge to look around Bess's body, I can hear TOM trying to catch her breath nearby. She may have made it a few feet further away, but she's nowhere near safe.

  There's a smothered choke of an uncared for car engine sputtering to life. Then the squeal of tires peeling. “I think you lost your minion,” I tell Elza.

  “I don't need him.”

  She's too busy gloating to notice Fray before he wraps his arms around her from behind.

  “What the-” Bess's voice cuts off and her eyes go wide.

  Finn surges forward, proving my restraining arm to be every bit as useless as I'd feared. Fray's face is closed with concentration as Finn rushes in his direction. I don't know what's going on, but interrupting it is probably bad.

  “Drew,” Fray grits from between her teeth. “Elza's about to jump. I need you to catch her.”

  Elza laughs, the sound of her mirth striking notes of fear in me that none of her posturing managed to produce.

  In my mind, the imaginary book slams open. Frantic, I wave a metaphorical pen in Fr
ay's direction, hoping like hell he has the energy to tell me how I'm supposed to catch Elza, but he blasts the pen away, sending images of action directly to my limbs. My body lunges forward.

  The other me has even less idea what's going on, but what she knows scares her. She screams and starts to scamper away. But even with all the adrenaline that has to be pumping through her system, she doesn't have full control of herself yet. Her movements are awkward, ill-timed, and unfocused. She staggers on all fours, trying to come to her feet but failing several times before she makes it to a very wobbly version of upright.

  “Finn!” I yell. “Cliff!”

  He stops a step away from his mom, who shakes like he did when he was fighting Elza.

  “We have her! Stop me!”

  There's less than a heartbeat's worth of hesitation before his head snaps to the living me and his eyes go wide. He starts to run.

  Fray spins, keeping Bess latched against his chest while he turns until they can both see the wall I woke up by. She kicks and lurches, but his hold is a vice. His head bends until his lips are by her ear. “You want to see this.”

  Elza stills, a smirk desecrating Bess's lips. Green flickers against the fog of The Spirit, but dies out after a brilliant flare. Elza laughs softly, as if she thinks Bess gave up. I almost smile, certain she didn't.

  Yards away, TOM sees Finn. So she runs. Straight for the wall.

  “Stop!” I yell. But Finn doesn't hear me. Or doesn't think I mean him. So he doesn't stop. If anything, he goes faster, reaching out to try to grab her before she can fall over the wall.

  Terrified and uncoordinated, she stumbles closer to the edge.

  “Drew!” Fray growls as I start forward. “Trust him! I need you here.”

  By the wall, TOM tries to take a firm stance. Tries to meet Finn's rush.

  Her hands in front of her, she waits until he's close enough that he can almost ¨C almost! - catch her. And then she pushes him as hard as she can.

  But she can't move Finn. He's stronger than she is, outweighs her, and isn't drugged. The shove doesn't do a thing to him. All it does is throw the living me even further off balance. She rebounds from the hit, tilts backward.

  He tries to grab her, but she's scared of him and she twists away.

  She goes backwards.

  And then, as Finn's hands try desperately to stop her, she goes down. Over the wall. Through the trees. To smash onto the rocky ground below.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Frantic, Finn moves like he's going to jump after her.

  “Finn!” I bellow, my voice grabbing his attention just before the idiot jumps off the cliff himself. He looks back at me, his mouth tight and his eyes swimming in angry misery.

  “Finn!” Bess's voice slams into my ears, snapping my eyes to her. She wrests out of Fray's grasp to sprint in her son's direction.

  I jump forward, thrusting into Elza as she stumbles behind Bess. She's still holding The Spirit and when our bodies collide, the universe twists and the world shatters in a roar of wind and a blast of fog.

  I'm in The Spirit.

  But I am not lost to it. I will not be lost to it. There's no way I'm leaving Finn.

  I don't have teeth to grit. I don't have shoulders to square. No loins to gird or even breath to take. But I do have terror. And anger. And I gather those to me, harnessing their power to follow the directions Fray planted in my memory so that I can force myself back into form and force the hurricane of mist to move away from me until I'm in a pocket of calm.

  And now I do have teeth and shoulders and loins. Now I'm me, standing in the middle of The Spirit and shivering from the deepest cold I've ever felt.

  To the side, another pocket of stillness merges into mine. I nod to Fray as he walks from it. He takes my hand and a warmth slithers over me. It doesn't defeat the cold entirely, but it numbs the chill until I stop quivering.

  Together, we move forward, walking until the patterns of swirling mist alter.

  Ahead lies a focus, a point from which the winds blast. The eye of the storm, the calm heart in the center of The Spirit. Elza's in the middle of it, her hands lifted before her, their palms facing me and Fray.

  The mist gathers, surges at us.

  And bends quietly around our shield.

  Again, Elza summons power, throws it out. Watches it move harmlessly away from its target. We're close enough to see the panic dawning in her eyes.

  There's another blast of energy, the strongest yet.

  It slams against the barrier, then slams through it.

  I'm knocked from my feet, kept from flying away only by Fray's latch on my hand.

  Fray's arm jerks and I'm standing solidly beside him again.

  His fingers squeeze. Once. Twice. Three times.

  We rush ahead.

  Our shields ram against Elza's bubble.

  I hope the bubble bursts.

  It doesn't.

  Instead, we pass through it.

  Fray releases my hand the instant we're in Elza's pocket of stillness, but I run at his side as he gathers himself to leap at Elza.

  “No!” I yell, because she's not worried, she's smiling. But there's no time for Fray to understand my warning.

  Elza grabs him from the air, flinging him in a way that wouldn't be physically possible in the real world. Fray flies into the swirling mists.

  “No!” I yell again, the word ripping from my throat.

  And the mist gathers. And the mist surges forward. Just like when Elza gathered it before, except this time I'm the one who called it. It's my hands it comes to. It's Elza it smashes against.

  She stumbles back. Once. Twice. Three times. More and more as I send wave and wave of raw power. The blasts are smaller than hers were. They're less guided. They're the effort of someone who hasn't been doing this for centuries. But like a terrier yipping at the feet of a draft horse, I'm making enough noise to keep her distracted. I'm providing enough annoyance that she can't gather any nasty balls of ghostly energy herself. I'm taking up enough of her attention that she doesn't notice Fray come up behind her.

  An earthquake hits as Fray strides back into the circle. My balance wavers, but even staggering I manage to keep firing. I'm just that pissed off. Or that scared.

  Fray holds his hands out to the side, cups them inward.

  He walks right up behind Elza, the sound of his footsteps lost in the howling of The Spirit.

  I gather more energy, but hold onto it.

  Elza frowns when I fail to release the twisting tangle of fog before me. She has enough time to start looking around to see if we're still alone, but not enough time to realize Fray's almost touching her.

  Fray's hands swoop together, one on either side of Elza's head.

  He stops with his palms inches from her hair. Lightening shoots from his hands, lancing into Elza's head and setting a fire that burns across her entire body. She shrieks in agony, writhing while Fray stands perfectly still, his eyes dead and his face without expression.

  I inch forward, the power I drew to me still clutched in my fingers.

  Fray looks away from Elza, meets my eyes.

  My feet freeze. My breathing stops. My heart may even stop. Fray's eyes widen.

  He looks back to Elza and blinks, looking surprised at her pain. He frowns, as if just noticing her screams or just now figuring out what they mean. His hands jerk apart.

  Elza crumbles, her body folding over to lay twitching at his feet.

  Fray looks back at me. There are things in his eyes that I can't even begin to fathom. But there are things I recognize too. Like fear. I shed the mist from my hands and rush forward, jumping over Elza's now unconscious form to wrap my arms around Fray.

  He grabs me, holding on so tight it hurts.

  Tears fall from my eyes. I hate knowing that Fray's in pain. Yet, knowing that he feels hurt by what just happened is a comfort. Whatever it was that just happened.

  He clears his throat and moves a hand over his face before rel
easing me. “We need to go.”

  “Yeah.” I don't fully understand where we are, exactly, but hanging around doesn't seem appealing.

  Fray bends over so that he can place a hand on Elza's back, then reaches up to grab my fingers with his. There's no thunder like when teleporting through Shadow, the mists simply part and leave me wondering if we were at the overlook the entire time.

  Not that we were gone long. Bess is still running to the wall. Finn's still standing beside it while fury and grief do battle with the shock clear on the lines of his face. His eyes widen as the mists part.

  Fray lets go of my hand, mentally pushing me on my way to Finn. “I've got this, luv. He needs you now.”

  Finn's eyes track me and I wonder what he saw when Fray and I were in The Spirit. Did he think he'd lost the dead me as well as the living one?

  Bess turns to look behind her when she realizes that Finn's not launching himself over the wall. “What happened?”

  “No idea,” I admit breathlessly. I'd credit Fray with saving the day, but, somehow, I don't think he wants me bragging about him like that. It's probably better if people don't catch on to exactly how much he's capable of. Instead, I fall into Finn's arms and move him into Shadow. And then I take him to the bottom of the cliff, take him to the exact site of my death.

  As soon as he notices we moved, he steps away and goes to where the other me lays motionless, a slick of blood by her head. His legs fold and he sits beside my body, staring at it in absolute horror.

  “It wasn't your fault,” I tell him, coming up behind him to place my hand on his shoulder. He turns, hugging my legs and burying his face against me. My hand grips at his hair, my eyes stuck on the corpse with my face.

  Unstable breathing to my side says Bess joined us but I can't stop staring at my corpse.

  There's a faint movement. I'm sure I imagined it but then it happens again.

  “Finn!” I yell. “She's breathing!”