I'd Rather Not Be Dead

by Andrea Brokaw

  His head snaps around and he lets go of me to kneel over her, touching her throat. “There's a pulse!”

  “Help them?” Bess asks, the breaking of her heart clear in the plea.

  The words are my first hint there's another person with us. I expect it to be Fray, but when I look over it's to see my grandfather gazing at the other me, his eyes misty with unshed tears. “She's still alive. But she won't be for long. She only survived this far because the drugs that boy gave her made her relaxed.”

  “What do I do?” Finn asks, swift and reckless.

  The Shadow Lord gives him a long look. “What are you willing to sacrifice?”

  My beloved doesn't even think about his answer. “Anything.”

  “Finn!” I protest.

  Tears stream down Bess's cheeks, but she ignores them. She doesn't say or do anything, just stands there like she's watching her world collapse.

  Granddaddy smiles at me, gentle and calm. He's the man I remember from childhood, not the lord of my afterlife. “I'm sorry, honey, but it's his choice. And your only chance at living.”

  Finn's lip quivers, but his expression stays stony. “What do I do?”

  There's a whimper from the side, from Bess. Her eyes are huge, her jaw latched shut tight. Her fingers dig into her arms. Yet, still she does nothing. She looks at me, conveying a hopeless acceptance.

  “In the instant of her death,” The Shadow Lord says with the calm of the grave, “bring her into Shadow.”

  “People who aren't Walkers die in Shadow,” Bess says, the words tumbling quickly, like she's afraid she won't get them all out at normal speed.

  The Lord nods. “That's why the timing is vital. Too early and bringing her through will kill her. Too late and he'll just be dragging a corpse. But after the body looses its grip yet before the soul moves on, then bringing her through will heal her.”

  “How do I know when?” Finn asks, clasping the dying girl's hands in his.

  “I'll tell you.”

  I shake my head. “No, that's too easy. You asked what he'd sacrifice. Why?”

  My grandfather looks away from my gaze, then The Shadow Lord looks back and locks his eyes on mine. “It will only work if your spirit is trying to go to Shadow. Not if it's trying to go Beyond.”

  “But she's not trying to go to Shadow. She doesn't even know there is a Shadow!”

  “The knowledge isn't important.”

  I look at Bess, who stares at Finn as tears continue to coat her cheeks. She draws in a shaky breath to say, “She's destined for Shadow. I know she is.” But she doesn't sound like she knows it, she sounds like she's praying it's true.

  “And if she isn't?” I ask.

  The Shadow Lord is impassive as he answers me. “Then the matter will be decided by whichever spirit is stronger. His, trying to get them into Shadow, or hers, trying to drag them elsewhere.”

  Finn laughs. He drags his eyes from the other me's face to look up at me. “Guess we better hope you want to come then.”

  “Finn!” I crash toward him and he lets go of her to grab me. “Don't.”

  “I told you before, there's no choice. I have to.”

  “No, you don't.” I wrench my face off his shoulder and look back at Bess, silently begging her for help. “It's not worth the risk. I'm fine as I am!”

  “You're in Shadow,” Bess says.

  My body shakes with anger as I frown at her. I want to leap at her throat, beat her until she starts acting like a mother, starts trying to protect her child.

  “If you were destined for Shadow before, you must be now.”

  I shake my head, not half as certain of that as she sounds. And she still doesn't sound that confident.

  “It's almost time.”

  My stare turns to The Shadow Lord, who grabs me by the shoulders and drags me away from Finn before I wake up to what's happening and start fighting.

  “Three,” he says.

  “Finn!” The name rips from my throat, but it doesn't change anything. The Shadow Lord holds me back, not letting me rush forward and push Finn away from the other me. Finn gives me one last look, then grabs the dying girl's hand. “Finn! Don't!”

  “Trust him,” Granddaddy whispers, silencing me. “Two,”

  Bess is motionless. She's not crying anymore, looking beyond the tears now. Her eyes are locked on Finn, nearly unblinking. Fray appears beside her, unusually somber. He takes her hand, looks worried when she doesn't snatch it away.

  “One. Now!”

  Bess gasps but the sound is quickly stifled. She thrusts her free fist into her mouth, biting down to keep her silence. Fray drags her against him and wraps her in his arms.

  The other me vanishes and Finn falls forward.

  “Good.” Grandfather smiles happily. “I'm really proud of both of you.”

  Finn rolls onto his back and looks at us. “You okay?” he asks me.

  “Yeah.” My heart's racing, my knees are weak, and my vision's a little on the blurry side, but I'm okay. I'm alive. Or dead. Whatever. “I'm here.”

  “Still dead?”

  “As far as I know.”

  Granddaddy laughs. “She was never dead. Not for more than an instant.”

  “What?” we blurt in unison, Finn climbing quickly to his feet.

  With a little hiccup, Bess allows herself to start crying again. Huge, wracking sobs this time. She even turns to bury herself against Fray's chest, clinging to him like a lifeline.

  “Maybe she was dead once,” Granddaddy amends. “The first time she died, no one was here to help her. But when she made it back to this point, you were here. A Shadow Walker who could bring her into Shadow. The power of pulling her over healed her, but the energy surge from it knocked her back in time to start the cycle over.”

  The day Glory found me trying to visit the cemetery, she told me I wasn't just strong, I was living-strong. Because I was alive.

  Granddaddy smiles at Finn. “You look like you have a question?”

  “Yeah, but I don't know what it is,” Finn admits with a frown. “I'm just confused.”

  Laughing, my granddad nods. “It's a confusing subject. Best not to think too hard or you'll get a headache.”

  Finn looks at me. “But Drew's alright?”

  “Yes,” Granddaddy assures him.

  “And she's alive?”

  “Yes.”

  Finn grins and I rush over to him, hugging him tight. “And Finn's alive?”

  Granddaddy chuckles. “You're your grandmother all over again.” He beams at me. “Yes, your young man is alive and well too. You just have to step back into the world of the living and it'll all be fine.”

  Looking up at Finn, I start to think about doing that.

  “Wait!” Granddaddy holds up a hand and shakes his head at me. “Think yourselves up top first.”

  There a clap of thunder and we're at the top of the cliff, next to the spring. A place I hope never to see again. I give a light shiver, not just because I can suddenly feel the autumn wind.

  Fray and Bess don't come with us. There's a mummer of voices from below telling me they're still talking to my grandfather.

  A quick glance around the area shows no signs of Elza. I assume Fray tossed her in some Shadow prison. I hope it's a nasty one. A strong one. One to which the key's been thrown away.

  My eye snags on Finn and I stop worrying about Elza as we stare at each other, a strange awkwardness in the air.

  Clearing his throat, he Finn scopes the area like I did a second ago. The breeze brings his scent to me along with the crisp smell of fallen leaves and a hint of moisture lingering from last night's storm. It makes me feel a tad bit dizzy. In a good way.

  There are sirens in the distance and for a second I think that they didn't get the memo that I survived. Then they speed past us in a mad rush along the road. Wondering what they're about slips my mind when Fray pops into the world next to Finn and casts me a wistful look.

  “What?” I ask him.


  He blinks at me.

  Finn makes an odd sound, then darts to the pool, bends over as I stare at him, and throws a whole handful of icy water at me.

  “Hey!” I yell, leaping backward as the cold spills over me.

  He laughs, still squatting.

  “Jerk!” I growl. “What did you do that for?”

  He grins and starts to get up. “You're wet.”

  I gape at him, annoyed beyond belief until I figure out what he means. “I'm wet!”

  “Yep.”

  I look at Fray. “I'm wet,” I tell him.

  “So I hear.”

  I look back at Finn, then Fray. “I can smell stuff too.”

  They look suitably unimpressed, though more than vaguely amused. And I laugh. “I'm not in Shadow anymore.”

  “Nope,” Finn tells me, putting an arm over my shoulder. I can smell the leather from his coat alongside the comforting scent of his skin. It's a combination I doubt I'll ever get tired of.

  “I can still see Fray,” I tell him.

  “Yep.” He doesn't look quite as thrilled as I am with the news. “Welcome to Club Shadow Walker.”

  I laugh, feeling high on... well, life I guess. Who'd have thunk?

  “The Shadow Lord's called us all to The Mountain for a lecture,” Fray says.

  Finn snorts. “Is that what Elza's in for? A lecture?”

  Shaking his head, Fray sighs softly. “We can't kill her.”

  I meet his eyes and try to broadcast sympathy. She can't be killed without being given too much power over The Spirit. But Fray specifically couldn't kill her anyway. Bess seems to think that's a weakness. I think she's wrong.

  Fray drops his gaze from mine to continue addressing Finn. “She's locked up in The Mountain now. She'll be moved to a prison in Shadow soon.”

  “That's bullshit,” Finn tells him.

  “Don't I know it.” Fray shoves a dark expression behind a guise of affability. He might not have it in him to kill Elza, but he's got hating her down pat. “See you kids around.”

  He gives me a long look, then winks before vanishing.

  “We can't kill her,” Finn mutters. “Can we kill him?”

  I move to smack him, but he knows me well enough to anticipate it. His hand grabs my wrist, holds my arm immobile as his eyes flare in every shade of green.

  There's a crack of a branch followed by a quick, “Shoot!”

  I return the promise in Finn's look before turning to smile at his mom. She was trying to move past us without interrupting. She waves a wallet through the air to explain why she came back at all. “I dropped this...”

  Finn's hand slides from my wrist to wrap our fingers together. “Hey, Mom.”

  They look at each other, both shuffling a little in discomfort.

  “When did-” he starts, just as she goes, “I always-”

  They laugh together, the same laugh in different pitches.

  Bess smiles. “I always knew you were like me, sweetheart. But I also knew you didn't want to talk about it.”

  He takes that with a stoic nod.

  “And I've known about Drew for a while too. Although I didn't figure out she was being written into the family saga until yesterday.”

  Again, he nods. Bess's eyes flicker to me, swarming with emotions I can't name.

  “You okay?” Finn asks her.

  Her jaw drops. She shakes her head. “Am I okay?” she repeats. “Me?”

  It wasn't an unreasonable question, but she laughs anyway. “Yeah, honey. I'm fine.”

  She hugs him, moving an arm to snag me as well when I try to move away and give them space. “Welcome back, Drew.”

  “Thanks,” I whisper.

  Bess smells like jasmine and sandalwood. How long it will be before I stop marveling over the return of my sense of smell? People are going to think I plunged straight off the deep end if I walk around sniffling the whole town. Of course, people are going to think that when they see me with Cooper Finnegan anyway. Or they'll think it of him.

  “Let's find that Woodman kid.” Bess pulls away and directs a purposeful stride to the path. Suddenly she doesn't seem sweet and easygoing. Suddenly she looks like she should have her hair back in a stiff bun and a firm ruler smacking against her palm.

  Ricky's spared her anger for now though. The sound before really had been his car pulling off. He left Tanya laying on the edge of the concrete and well away from where cars would pull in. Her breath is shallow, but steady, and when Bess kneels to take her pulse, she nods at the findings without alarm. “I'm going to take the truck and get this one to the hospital.”

  “Okay,” Finn acknowledges. “Want us to come with you?”

  “No,” she answers with a small smile. “We'll leave you two out of this if we can. You get Drew home. I'll call you when I know anything.”

  Finn nods, but he's the one who lifts Tanya from the ground and moves her into the tiny backseat of the truck cab. He kisses his mother's cheek, then she's driving away.

  I sigh. “I never am going to get to ride in that monstrosity, am I?”

  Finn's face twists as he looks at me. “Not if you're going to be like that about it.”

  I grin. I move to kiss him. And I groan as we're interrupted again.

  A familiar figure on a lavender bicycle swoops into the parking lot, peddling furiously toward us. “Drew!” Rain yells. “Get away from here!”

  She really doesn't like that I start laughing.

  “You have to leave!” She crashes a stop next to us, tossing the bike to the ground as she leaps from it.

  I throw my arms around her, still laughing, but crying too. “You missed the fun, kiddo. It's all over.” I kiss the top of her head, glad that she's still short enough I can do that. “I'm fine.” I give her an extra squeeze. “I missed you.”

  “Missed me?” Pushing back, she stares up at me. “What happened?”

  “I was pushed off a cliff.”

  Her eyes go to Finn, who gives her an easy smile. “Sort of. She actually did the pushing if you want to be technical about it.”

  “I did not!” I argue.

  He gives me a look.

  “Okay, maybe I did.” I grin at him. “But either way, you lied to me, Cooper Finnegan.”

  His eyebrows go up.

  “You said you wouldn't save me.”

  Laughing, he shakes his head, pulls me away from my sister, and then - finally! - tries his best to kiss me senseless.

  Chapter Thirty

  Finn's sitting on his porch steps, his backpack at his feet, when I make it back to his house. I used to try my best to ignore it as I walked by, although I still walked that way every day rather than cutting down a different street, but this morning my eyes were anxiously awaiting the first glimpse of its tower. Finn trots up to fall into step beside me.

  “Ready to shock all of Pine Ridge?” he asks.

  My stomach rolls. “I don't know. Why don't we hop a flight to Europe or something?”

  “Grand Tour sounds nice.” He flashes that infamous grin of his. “But the ferrets would be heartbroken.”

  Shaking my head, I take hold of his hand. “Yes, we must think of the children.”

  His fingers squeeze mine, his grip firm as we get close enough to the school for there to be people to notice us.

  The whispers start immediately. And the stares. The gasps. The quick drawing of cell phones, snapping of images, and tapping out of text messages. No one else knows I've been gone longer than the weekend. From their point of view, we were enemies two days ago.

  Tanya breaks out into tears when she sees me, throwing her arms around my neck and sobbing apologies.

  “Hey, it's alright, ” I tell her, dropping Finn's hand to hold onto her shoulders. Thick lines of purple circle bloodshot eyes. I'm not sure she should be in school today, but the hospital released her last night with the assurance she'd be fine. “The asshole drugged you too.”

  “But, I knew,” she whimpers. “I knew what he was pla
nning and how it was going turn out. I just wasn't brave enough to say his angel was really a demon.” She takes a very shaky breath. Her hands goes to her cross, pressing it against her skin with enough force to leave a mark. “I see things. Before they happen. Sometimes.”

  “A lot of saints could do that too,” I tell her.

  “Really?” Her eyes fly open with hope that maybe her talent doesn't make her damned.

  Sympathetically, I nod. “It seems to me that if you have a gift, God gave it to you.” Letting go of her, I give her a little smile. “It all worked out this time, but I bet He'd like it if you didn't ignore His gifts in the future.”

  “Yeah.” Her smile is like the sun coming out after a storm. “I won't. I'll... I'll go pray and tell Him!”

  “God gave you a gift?” Finn teases, sliding his arm around me with a fond smile.

  I laugh at myself. “Obviously, I'm full of shit. But it made her feel better.”

  “And you suddenly care?” There's a grin waiting on the edges of his lips, an almost proud look in his eyes.

  By the time we make it to our lockers, the whole school seems to know about us. No one says anything to me since the only person who ever really talked to me is still in the hospital, but poor Finn can't go three seconds without someone stopping him. I used to think he thrived on attention. It was one of the many things I couldn't stand about him. Now he just seems harassed, though maybe it's not that so many people want to talk to him but what they want to say. And that they all think they need to say it loud enough for me to hear them.

  “I heard something about you and Drew McKinney. They meant Bobbi McKinney, right?”

  “Yo, did Billy Joe really see you with that freak girl?”

  “Please tell me you aren't hooking up with Drew.”

  “Drew? Dude, what are you thinking?”

  “You know, just because you want to do her, doesn't mean you have to be seen with her.”

  And my personal favorite, “She a freak in bed too? 'Cause that's the only excuse I can think of.”

  Finn slams his locker shut and glares at the last guy. “You're talking about my girlfriend,” he states, his voice so calm it send chills up my spine. The other guy seems to get the message too, backing off with lightening speed and vanishing down the hall.