Heavy (Heavy Hearts Book 1)

by Sarah Jane Duncan

  Another pesky tear slips from my eye as I look at myself. I’m not really sure who I am, but I am sure that I don’t want to be like any of my family members. Come to think of it; I’m not really sure who the man is that I’ve called my dad for the last seventeen years? He’s a complete stranger to me. No, he’s worse than a stranger. He’s a deceiving bastard!

  I grip my chest right over my heart, where pain stabs me. It's like a hand is reaching into my chest and wrapping a fist around the organ that gives me life. I curl my lip at my reflection in disgust. I hate this weak bitch that looks back at me. She is pathetic. No wonder my family treat me like the scum on their shoes.

  STOP!

  I grip the sides of my head, wanting to scream at the vile, toxic thoughts bouncing around in my head. I can’t let them win. I can’t let them consume me. I need to remember that just outside this filthy cubicle is a boy who has shown me more care than my parents have in years. He has taken the time to show me compassion. He has offered me friendship. I need to focus on that because having him come into my life must mean something, right? Is he the light in my world filled with darkness?

  The need to be back by Ayden’s side is all-consuming, so I attempt to freshen my appearance and splash water on my face. It doesn’t really do much for me, other than make me feel fresher, rather than look it. It will have to do.

  I’m nervous as I approach him, and I know he can tell as his eyes follow me. With my head hanging low, I avoid those ocean eyes and take a seat next to him, leaving a little space between us. Embarrassment and humiliation urge me to flee like a coward. I don’t give in to the urge, though, selfishly needing him near to feel like I matter to at least one person in this shitful world.

  Keeping my eyes downcast, they dance wearily between his masculine hands, which are resting in his lap, and to my jittery hands that I don’t seem to know what to do with. Ayden reaches out and gently places his hand over mine, and I close my eyes, enjoying the contact.

  “Talk to me, Lex.”

  I look up to meet his eyes, trying to figure out where to start. What do I tell him? What don’t I tell him? He already knows the situation isn’t good, so not telling him anything would be useless. He’s not going to believe that.

  “I don’t know where to start,” my voice is hoarse, and it hurts to speak.

  Ayden chews on his bottom lip, considering something before asking, “How about I ask some questions, and maybe we can go from there?”

  I nod, still keeping my head low.

  “Was that your dad at the station tonight?”

  When I nod, he continues, his thumb stroking over the back of my hand, “Why were you running from him?”

  I clear my throat, trying to dislodge the lump that threatens to suffocate me. How do I even explain this? I can’t imagine what it would have looked like to him or any of the passengers who witnessed it.

  “I-I caught him with another woman,” I choke out.

  His eyes go wide in shock. “Shit, Lex, I’m so sorry.”

  “I made a scene at the restaurant he was at with her. I pissed him off, and instead of feeling guilty about cheating on my mum, he seemed more concerned that his mistress found out.”

  “Jesus.” Ayden seems genuinely annoyed by this. He reaches out and strokes some stray strands of my hair behind my ear, and I automatically lean into his touch.

  “Why were you there? Did you know he would be with another woman?”

  I shake my head.

  “No, I didn’t know. I went there because I had to get away from...” Shit, do I tell him about Mike? That will just raise more questions. I can’t tell him THAT!

  “Lex, please talk to me,” he quietly begs when I hesitate, lifting my chin, so I have no choice but to meet his concerned blue eyes.

  It’s a little unnerving the effect this guy has on me. I feel like I could tell him anything, even though I don’t really know him. Sure, he’s hot, but so was Ted Bundy, and he was a serial killer! Ayden has also been more caring and more thoughtful than… well, just about anyone I know, but that doesn’t mean I know him enough to divulge all of my secrets. Right?

  I peer up into his eyes, which darken with more concern as he takes in my reactions. He must be able to see the torment I struggle with, and I kind of hate that it causes his distress. All I want to do is make his eyes glint with happiness again.

  It’s tough to refuse him, so I deflect. “How are you even here right now? There are millions of people in this city. How did we end up in the same cabin on the same train at the same time?”

  The abrupt change in conversation takes him by surprise, and he sits back a little, the movement causing his hand to fall away from mine. Damn it, Lexi! Even though I’m mourning the loss of his touch, I am stumped as to how I managed to run into the guy that gives me neverending butterflies in a city filled with millions of people.

  “Well, I spent the day with my dad in the city, and now I’m catching the train back to my mums. I guess it was pure fluke that we ended up at the same place. I’m glad we did, though.” Ayden’s smile is small; his concern still dominating his expression.

  “So, your mum is in Fox Pines?” I ask the obvious, needing to confirm I understood correctly. He gives me a small, no teeth smile and a nod.

  Unlike me, Ayden is in casual clothes, the dark blue of his hoodie turning his eyes a deeper shade that resembles a rich sapphire. His dark hair peeks out from under a red and navy Red Dragon cap, curling up slightly at the ends, which just makes him even more adorable if that’s even possible.

  His usual shadow of facial hair looks a little darker today, making him look too old to be a year 11 student. I want to ask him about his age since I’m almost sure he’s older than me and my friends, but now isn’t the right time, so I shelve that for later.

  He certainly looks good out of the uptight school uniform we have to wear at school. Well, to be honest, he looks good when he’s wearing the uptight school uniform as well.

  “Nice deflection to my questioning Lex.” He gives me a knowing wink and returns his hand to mine, “Now, please talk to me. What did you have to get away from?”

  His lips are a distraction too. Their fullness keeps drawing my attention, and I wonder what it would be like to kiss them.

  “Lex?” If Ayden has noticed my lusty ogling, he isn’t letting on. I really should answer his question since he’s been nothing but kind and patient towards me.

  “My half-brother Mike,” I look back up to Ayden’s serious gaze, “He beat mum up this afternoon and did a runner.”

  “Fuck, Lex.”

  I nod in agreement. It’s a bad fucked up situation.

  “By the time I ran home from school, my mum was in the care of paramedics. She told them there was an intruder,” I shake my head at my mum's pathetic lie, “and knowing that Mike would come back…” nausea turns my tummy at the thought of what Mike would do if he got his hands on me, “I had to leave, I’m not safe there with him. That’s why I came to the city to see my dad. I had stupidly thought I could stay with him.”

  Ayden’s jaw pops, his anger clear before he’s able to hide it. For not knowing him very well, I feel so in tune with him. It’s hard to explain how drawn to him I am. Maybe I’m just needy. Perhaps without realising it, I’m looking for a knight in shining armour to come and save me. Am I that pathetic? Just like my mum!

  Ayden takes a few deep breaths, looking at our entwined hands.

  “Is your brother the one that had all the drugs in your house?” His voice is strained and comes out raspy.

  I nod.

  “Is he the one that did that?” He lifts his hand to my eye and gently strokes his thumb over the discoloured green skin. I give another small nod, not wanting his hand to fall away.

  Returning his gaze to our hands, Ayden is quiet for a moment, and he shakes his head. His eyes flick back to mine, fury, and determination in them.

  “You can’t go home.” It’s a statement, not a question.
/>   I nod, “I know.”

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  Ayden’s Aunt’s house is a cute ice blue, two-story weatherboard. From the white picket fence to the matching white front porch railings, this house has all the makings of a Gilmore Girls film set. Even in the dark, it feels warm and inviting, and I remember it being that way when I was little and used to come over to play Lego with Marcus.

  I want to go in there with Ayden, yet my brain is screaming at me to turn and run. How do we explain this to his mum and Aunt? What if they call the police, or worse, my dad? I don’t want them to know. I don’t want anyone to know.

  Ayden convinced me to come here with him when Abbey didn’t answer the three calls I made to her phone. Given the proximity to midnight, I’m not that surprised she didn’t answer. Abbey loves her sleep, and once she’s out, she’s out.

  I tried to convince Ayden that I’d be okay sleeping in the park near my house. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve used the park as my refuge for the night. He wasn’t having a bar of that, though, and with his hand in mine, he led me here, to the place he calls home.

  I dig my heels in, refusing to move when Ayden tugs on my hand, and he turns back to me with his face masked in the shadows.

  “Lex, what’s wrong?”

  “I can’t go in there,” I whisper, not wanting to disturb the peaceful neighbourhood, “They will have questions, Ayden. I can’t tell them.”

  Although it’s dark, I’m able to make out the grin that spreads across Ayden’s face.

  “Am I amusing you?”

  “I’m sorry, Lex. I shouldn’t laugh, given the seriousness of the situation, but…”

  “But?” I snap.

  “But you have nothing to worry about, and you need to trust me.” His thumb strokes across the back of my hand, “You are also very cute when you frown like that.”

  Infuriating! But oh, how he melts the iceberg that is my heart!

  “You don’t understand, Ayden…” I want to explain, but my breath catches as he slips his hand around my neck, cupping the back of my head. I hold my breath when he leans down, and his whisper warms my ear.

  “Trust me, Lexi.”

  All I can do is nod. I lose the ability to speak, and my mind becomes mush.

  He leads me quietly down the rose lined driveway that runs along the side of the house. Thinking we’re about to turn the corner and walk in a back door to the house, my body slams into Ayden when he takes a different path towards the stand-alone double story garage at the back.

  “Shit, sorry.” My whisper meets his chuckles.

  “This way,” his voice is low and quiet, tugging me deeper into the yard to the side of the garage.

  Stepping through a door, Ayden uses his phone torch to light our path through the garage and up a staircase. At the top, he opens a door and flicks a light on, illuminating a small loft.

  “So I’ll take the couch tonight. You can take my bed.”

  Standing just inside the door, I take in the loft, which is decked out like a small apartment. Before me is a cozy living area with mismatched furniture. The blue couch looks like it could tell a thousand tales with tattered velvet that has been mended by hand in several places. On the far wall is a small kitchenette that looks more like a bar with a strip of blue lights that frames the mirror-lined shelving on the wall. Glancing to the back of the loft, I take in the makeshift bedroom divided off by an old screen and a home-made curtain. From what I can see of the bed, it looks like a rose amongst the thorns compared to the rest of the furniture in here. A partially opened door off to my side shows me that there is a small bathroom as well.

  “You live here? Is this your room?” It smells like him in here. I wonder if Ayden would think me creepy if I start sniffing stuff?

  “Yep,” Ayden tugs me further into the room, “My older cousin moved out a few years ago, so this used to be Brayden’s room. When he was younger, he and Marcus used to share the room Marcus is in, and when he was in high school, he convinced my uncle to let him use this space as his room. Rachel’s room is empty too, but it’s way too girly for me, so my Aunt let me move in here.”

  Nodding, I look back over the space, wishing I could have something like this. Something private that has everything I need to just live on my own.

  “And your mum, where does she stay?”

  “Mum stays in the main house with my Aunt and Uncle. She took the guest room, which has a little bathroom in it.” Leading me towards the back of the loft, we step through the open curtain into the bedroom, and Ayden turns to me.

  “You’ll sleep here, that way I can hide you better from my mum if she makes a random visit when she gets home from her shift in the morning.”

  “Her shift?” I ask, and Ayden’s eyes roam over my face, studying me, making me squirm.

  “She’s a nurse. She works a lot of night shifts because the pay is better.” I nod in understanding, my face heating under his gaze.

  “And you’ll sleep on the couch?” Did my voice just crack? Oh dear god, how much more can one embarrass themselves? The smirk Ayden tries to hide tells me he can see how flustered I am.

  “Yes.” His voice cracks too, but unlike me, it has more to do with how amusing I am to him.

  “Okay,” I clear my throat, “good.”

  We stand there for a few moments, awkward silence meeting us as we look at each other. His eyes search mine, deep in thought. What is he thinking? Is he secretly wishing he hadn’t gotten involved in my drama? Perhaps he regrets bringing me back into his house?

  Emotions swirl inside my head and heart. There’s a real possibility that I am going to fall apart in front of him again. I need to get some space between us.

  “Bathroom,” I squeak, and he jumps a little in surprise.

  “Over there,” his head gestures in the direction of the open door off to the side. “You should have a hot shower and warm up. I’ll go into the house and grab some food. You must be hungry.”

  Food hasn’t been on my radar, but my tummy rumbles loudly on cue, and Ayden chuckles.

  “Food it is,” he leans in and places a soft kiss to my forehead before turning and leaving me in his room.

  It takes me a moment to move after he walks out. His kiss was so unexpected but caring, something I’m not used to. His affection is throwing me a little. Is he just being kind, like a friend would be? I don’t even know him, so I have no idea if this is the way he is with his friends. I trust him, though, more than I’ve ever trusted anyone, and the thought scares me.

  Deciding a steaming hot shower would be great, I grab my backpack and shut myself in Ayden’s small bathroom. The simple white space is styled with fluffy, teal green towels, and like his bedroom, the bathroom smells like him too. It’s a hint of spice and maybe vanilla. Closing my eyes, I inhale deeply, finding his scent so calming. It wraps itself around me like a fluffy blanket that I never want to unravel from.

  My behaviour is ridiculous. Thinking these things and acting this way after what has happened today surely means there’s a high chance I’m a head case destined to be institutionalised. My thoughts are all over the place, bouncing between what happened at home with Mike and my mum, to the shit show with my dad, and then my needy cravings for Ayden.

  Stepping into the shower, a groan escapes when the stream of hot water hits my body. Oh man, I hope Ayden isn’t outside the door hearing this! What would he think? I can’t remember the last time a shower felt so good and so easy. The last few months having Mike back home has made it hard for me to relax, and it’s a relief not having to watch the door while I shower like I do at home. I shower longer than planned, the scalding water rendering me useless, and for the briefest time, I feel free.

  There’s no lock on Ayden’s bathroom door, so technically, he can walk in at any moment. As much as that would be awkward, the idea doesn’t make me want to vomit as it does at the thought of Mike walking through it. I know Ayden wouldn’t do that, though. For now, I’m safe with him.
>
  My hair secured in a top knot stays mostly dry as I wash. The temptation is strong to pull it loose and drench it in Ayden’s shampoo, which I may or may not have smelt. As good as the shower is, the heat brings my attention to my right arm and wrist. Reddish blue bruises mark my skin, parts of which look distinctly like handprints. My dad, or at least the man I used to call my dad, had grabbed me hard in both places, and now I wear his mark.

  I involuntarily gag. Sickness abruptly wracks my body as the memory of my dad’s anger hits me. Taking deep breaths, I bend to support myself against the tiled wall as the water rains down over me. I gag again, but since there is nothing in my stomach, I’m able to force down the urge as I slide to the shower floor and cry.

  I hate him. I hate Mike. They are both the cruellest, most disgusting people who roam this earth. I hate that I’m related to them. I hate that I carry the same last name as them. Mostly, though, I hate that I was so naïve with my dad. How could I have been so stupid as not to know what he was up to?

  Not wanting to punish myself anymore, I push myself up and turn off the shower. Once dry, I rummage through my backpack, pulling out my hoodie and jeans, but damn it, in my haste to flee my house earlier; I failed to pack my oversized Metallica t-shirt that I wear to bed. Great. To add to my shitty night, I will have to sleep in my jeans and hoodie. Either that or my school uniform, which is a definite no. My mood now sour, I slide into my jeans and my black Twenty One Pilots hoodie before heading back into Ayden’s room.

  The delicious smell of mouth-watering food slams into my senses, and I nearly transform into a starved lion. Hearing me exit the bathroom, Ayden turns from his relaxed position on the couch to look at me, a smile tugging at his lips.

  “Hungry?”

  “That obvious?” Heat rises to my cheeks, embarrassed once again.

  Ayden chuckles, patting the spot next to him on the small blue two-seater couch. There is no hesitation on my part. Food is a massive weakness of mine, and my eyes lock onto the plate of roast lamb covered in gravy with steaming hot potatoes, carrots, and beans.