Let Slip The Princesses of War

by David Schenck

  Cinderella and Pea and I all looked at each other and held a silent conference. I think we all were a little wary and felt like something was just a little off, but they seemed friendly and it would be nice to have guides, at least part way through. “Well,” I finally said, “it would be nice to have guides, at least part way through. Ok. Thank you.”

  “Then that’s settled”, said Annette getting to her feet, “it’s getting on towards dark. We sleep early and wake early. Andrea, Elsa, show our guests to their rooms and make sure they have everything they need. I’ll say good night now and see you all in the morning.”

  “Good night.” We all said.

  We finished our cider and the girls led us to our rooms. They must have belonged to the hunting boys, but, mine at least, was passably clean.

  I sank down on the bed and Ben jumped up beside me. It’s wasn’t soft like a palace or magic pavilion bed, but it was comfortable enough. I felt uneasy and I wasn’t sure why. Finally I realized that I was alone for the first time in, maybe, years. No Pea, no nobody. I guess, I really hadn’t realized how much I relied on Pea. Her constant presence, keeping me focused on the job, grounded in the now. There was something different about being closed alone in this room. It wasn’t like being on watch. I felt unmoored, my thoughts drifting into an ugly past and an uncertain future. Well, I had Ben, and I put my arms around him and tried to sleep.

  Here’s the funny thing about sleep and life on patrol; it makes you both a light sleeper and a heavy sleeper. I’m a light sleeper in that I’ll wake up instantly to the sounds of hoof beats or a person walking nearby, but I’m a heavy sleeper in that things like wind, light rain, small animal sounds or bugs crawling over me don’t bother me at all.

  So, the spider crawling on my shoulder didn’t wake me, not until it bit my neck, and then, of course, it was too late.

  I was on my feet in an instant as the door burst open and two giant spiders came in. I was on my feet, but unsteady on my feet. The spider venom in my blood blurring my vision, making my movements sluggish. I reached for my whip and missed. I reached again and grabbed it. But then the spiders were on me. Ben launched, unsteadily, off the bed and grabbed one spider by the leg, but the spider simply shook him off like he was nothing. Ben must have been bitten too. The other spider took me in two arms and began to wrap me in its silk. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ben being likewise wrapped before I completely succumbed to the poison and passed out.

  When I woke the world was upside down and filled with giant spiders. I, groggily, looked around and saw Sweet Pea and Ben wrapped up to the neck in spider silk and suspended from the rafters. Some distance below were three giant spiders (giant for spiders, they were about the size of a person). I tilted my head up and saw a fourth in the rafters.

  “Well, looks like one of our guests is awake.” A spider pointed with a leg in my direction. “Get her some water. Mallory wants them alive.” The spiders talked! People talk! I thought about engaging them in conversation, trying to charm my way out of this. I can be pretty fucking charming when I want. But I decided to wait until I was clear headed. No point pissing them off while trying to charm them. Who even knows how you charm a spider? Are they vain? Do they like flattery?

  One of the spiders left and returned in a few minutes with a bucket of water and a cup. I was suddenly aware of a burning thirst. Must’ve been a side effect of the spider poison. As I watched in fascinated horror, the spider climbed the wall and then across the roof beam until it reached the cord of silk that I hung from. Then it slowly descended along the cord to my feet. Suddenly the giant spider was on my chest, clinging with 6 legs to the cords that wrapped me and holding the bucket and cup. I can’t remember a more frightening moment. It just sat there for a second, giving me a chance to realize how bad my situation was. Its eight eyes spinning, its mandibles clattering. And then it held out the cup for me.

  I don’t know if you’ve ever had to drink while suspended upside down, but it’s easier than you might think. Getting the water into your mouth is hard, and a fair bit went up my nose and down my forehead, but once the water was in my mouth the swallowing worked just as if I had been standing. Huh. You learn something every day!

  The water made me feel a thousand percent better. The spider went away up the cord and I took stock of the situation. Pea and Ben were still unconscious and Cinderella was nowhere to be seen. I hoped that she hadn’t been hurt or killed in the attack. I didn’t see Annette or any of the girls and I was afraid for them. I tried to get a count of how many spiders there were, but they all looked alike and while I never saw more than four of them at one time, I could hear others in the house.

  This wasn’t the first time I’d been tied up, but it was the most serious. I can usually untie any rope. I have a way with knots, especially untying them. Living with hair 25 feet long will do that to you. But the spider silk wasn’t really knotted, it was more like glued.

  I wish I knew what happened to Cinderella and the family. There were odd sounds from down one of the hallways, but they weren’t fighting sounds, more like someone moving furniture or playing some kind of jumping game.

  A while passed and I waited for Sweet Pea to come around, maybe we could formulate a plan of some sort. I still had my whip, I could feel it in my hand, and if she still had her guns, I don’t know maybe we could do something. Seemed unlikely.

  As I waited for Pea, a larger spider entered the room. This one was at least half again the size of the others. It stopped below me and reared back on its two back legs so that its eyes looked at me.

  “Queen Rapunzel, I presume.” It began.

  I didn’t see any point in denying it. I nodded.

  “I wonder if you could help us avoid any further loss of life.”

  Any further loss of life! Who was dead? Cinderella? Annette? The girls?

  My throat was still dry but I croaked “Go fuck yourself, you fucking nightmare!”

  “So, self-righteous. So sure that we’re the monsters. But what opportunity was there ever for spider-goblins in your kingdoms? Mallory offers us a chance we never would have had.”

  “I’m not going to discuss morality with a giant killer spider.”

  “Spider-goblin, please.” She waved an arm over her body and with a shimmer Annette stood in her place. “Perhaps it would be easier for you to talk to this body.”

  “You’re Annette!?”

  “For a time yes. Almost everything I told you was true. We did live in the forest, it did become too dangerous, true, we were what made it too dangerous, but still. We did come find this farm house. Not abandoned, true, but still the gist of it was the truth.”

  “What happened to the people who lived here?”

  “Well, Annette and her daughters lived here and we simply took their places. It’s unfortunate that we had to kill them, but such is life. My seven daughters and I needed human bodies if we were going to acquire you for Mallory. How convenient that Annette had so many.”

  “That’s why there was no place for you in the kingdoms, you fucking murderous goblin!”

  “Spider-goblin! I must insist!” She was losing control which was part of my plan.

  She got herself under control.

  “And,” I added. “It’s eight! You have eight daughters! Don’t forget Emily!”

  She smiled at me. “No, I just have seven. Emily is a human. We replaced the others, but left her as, kind of, a celebratory snack after a job well done. It’s always best to leave your food alive until the last possible moment.”

  I don’t think she really understood how to talk to humans. I was shocked into silence.

  She continued, “And it’s little Emily that I want you to help me save.”

  “So you can eat her!?”

  “I promise not to eat her, if you’ll help me.”

  “Fuck you, you fucking slimy monster!” I struggled with my cords, swaying from side to side and coming closer to Pea, I thought if I could knock into her maybe she would
wake up. What would we do then? Who knows?

  Just then Pea opened her eyes. “What do we have to do to save Emily?” She asked.

  The spider Annette smiled “Ah, at least one of you is reasonable. Your companion, Princess Cinderella, and, apparently, Emily are barricaded in one of the rooms. We can’t seem to get in either by the door or the window. Mallory wants you alive, but the mission is more important than any one person. If we can’t convince them to open the door and surrender peacefully, we will have to resort to violence.”

  “What kind of violence?” I asked. “You can’t get in.”

  She smiled again. How had I missed that she wasn’t human? “Not violence against them. Although fire is always an option. But, let’s leave that as a last resort. No, I was thinking of killing Princess Sweet Pea, unless they surrender. Or, you could come order them to surrender and we could avoid all the mess and delay and unfortunate bloodshed.”

  “You fucking slimy insect!”

  “I am an ARCHNID!” She roared.

  “Fuck you, you fucking insect piece of…”

  “Do it, Rae.” Sweet Pea said. “Save Emily. Do it for me.”

  I looked at her. She was serious. And, of course, she was right. The spiders were just going to kill Pea and then torch the place. Mallory wanted us alive, so we might have a chance to escape or something. It was the best option.

  “Ok.” I said. “Let me talk to them.”

  Spider Annette smiled so broadly I thought her head would split open. “Excellent! I knew you could be reasonable.” She gave a nod to the spider in the rafters who quickly cut the cord holding me to the roof beam with its mandibles and lowered me, none too gently, to the floor.

  “Ok, cut me lose and let’s go talk.”

  “No need to cut you lose. Your mouth is free enough to talk.” One of the spiders picked me up in its two front legs.

  Just then the front door burst open and a figure stood in the night with a flaming sword. Cinderella! She rushed into the room, slashing at the spiders. Where her sword touched, their bodies opened and spit gouts of greenish-gray blood. She slashed the one holding me and it dropped me. With a single motion she cut my bonds and I broke free. As she rushed past Annette, she cut her legs, but didn’t kill her. I knew what to do. My arms now free, I lashed out at her with my whip and completely enveloped her. Sweet irony! Annette changed back to spider form, hoping to escape my whip, but to no avail. Once you are wrapped by my whip, you stay wrapped.

  Cinderella disappeared down the hallway and shortly there were sounds of fighting. I looked up at Pea, swaying in the rafters. I couldn’t reach her to cut her down. Suddenly I saw the spider in the rafters moving toward Pea. My whip was occupied and the only other weapon I had was a boot dagger. I pulled the dagger and looked at it. It seemed entirely too small for the job, but maybe if I hit it in an eye or something. I took aim as the spider approached the cord that suspended Pea and gave it a good throw. The dagger spun in the air and hit the spider right on its head, just under its mandibles. And bounced harmlessly off. Shit!

  The spider was starting to climb down Pea’s cord. I looked desperately for something, anything.

  BANG! Thump!

  The dead spider hit the floor, blood streaming from where its head used to be. Pea smiled down at me. “They wrapped me with my hands on my guns. Not much use, except if one of them happened to be exactly above me.”

  A few minutes later, Cinderella returned. Her dress was covered in greenish-grey spider-goblin goo, her sword was sheathed and Emily was crying softly in her arms.

  We were stumped over how to get Pea down. There didn’t seem to be a ladder and Cinderella’s sword couldn’t reach her.

  Cinderella and I pulled the dead spiders into the hallway, out of Emily’s sight. As we worked, Cinderella’s mice maids were working furiously to clean her gown. As one of them ran up her sleeve to get a particularly nasty hunk of dead spider, Cindy grabbed her and whispered something to the mouse. In a moment the mouse ran up the wall to the rafters and began chewing away at the cord holding Pea.

  She came down hard, but, well, Pea is tough.

  Then the mouse cut down Ben, who was still knocked out. He must have had a larger dose of poison for his smaller body. Or maybe dogs react differently. Anyway, I caught him as he fell and gently placed him on the floor to sleep it off.

  “How did you get out?” Pea asked Cinderella after she’d recovered a bit.

  “Well, when I saw the accommodations, I decided to set up my tent.”

  “Wait,” I interrupted. “How did you set up the tent in a tiny room like that? That tent is huge. More like a pavilion, really.”

  “Oh, it’s variable, it fits the space available. And like any good magic tent, it’s larger on the inside. So anyway. I’m in my tent relaxing with a glass of wine when I hear a knocking at my door. It’s poor Emily. She says she’s afraid and can she sleep with me? So, I let her in. Then I imagine the rest is what happened to you two. The giant spiders attacked, but, of course, they can’t get into the tent.”

  “Why can’t they get into the tent? Those giant spiders and that thin tent fabric. Seems like they could rip it open without trying.” Asked Pea.

  “Well, they can’t get into the tent on account of its invulnerability. When my fairy godmother makes a magic tent she doesn’t fool around. What good is a magic tent without invulnerability?”

  “Why didn’t you mention this invulnerability before?” I demanded. “Why the fuck have we been sitting watch if the tent is invulnerable?”

  “First, watch your language. There’s a child present. And second, I didn’t mention it, because you’re always so fired up about watches, I didn’t think it’d make any difference.”

  “Well, you’re probably right. We can’t just sit in a tent, even an invulnerable one and let ourselves be captured. An enemy could just camp outside the entrance and kill us as we exit.”

  “Ok. Can I finish my story? So, there we were, Emily and I, safe in the tent, but you and Pea were probably getting killed. We couldn’t just go out the exit, since they would be waiting.” She gave me a smile.

  “So, I went out the bolt-hole, came around the front, listened until the right moment then rushed in killed all the spiders and saved your asses!”

  “What bolt-hole?”

  “Well, it wouldn’t be much of a magic tent if it didn’t have a bolt-hole. The enemy could just camp out front and kill me when I exited. And before you ask, you can also turn the whole tent transparent to see if anyone is waiting. I just never do it, because, well, we always have a watch.”

  Pea nodded towards Annette, still wrapped up in my whip, “What’re we going to do with her?”

  “Let’s see what she has to say.” I replied. I twisted my whip and the hairs flowed away from her head.

  “I’ve got nothing to say. You monsters killed my daughters! Better kill me now, or I’ll get free and kill you all, the whole damn kingdom!”

  Cinderella kicked her hard in the ribs. With those glass boots, it had to hurt. “First, language. There’s a child present. Second. If you tell us nicely, we’ll…” She turned to Pea and I, “What will we do?”

  “We’ll kill her quick.” Suggested Pea.

  I nodded. “Sounds good to me.”

  Cinderella turned back to Annette. “There you go. Cooperate and we’ll kill you quick.”

  Annette seemed to think about it for a moment, then said, “Ok. What do you want to know?”

  It usually goes that way. When you’ve got someone tied up and they have the option of the quick painless death or the slow painful death, they almost always pick quick painless. Occasionally, you have to give them a sample of what slow painful looks like, but Annette must have been smarter than your average spider-goblin.

  “What did Mallory tell you?”

  “Queen Mallory didn’t tell us anything. We don’t talk to the queen. But word came down that three princesses would be passing through the forest and Mallory
wanted them captured and brought to her. I figured that there would be too much competition once you entered the forest, so we came out here.” She nodded in my direction. “She knows the rest. Now, my daughters are dead.” She shrugged. “It’s OK. I have a few hundred more. However, I’d hate to die. Maybe we can make a deal. You’ll find the forest difficult to pass. I can help you. Help you avoid Mallory’s other hunters. All I ask is my life. Once you safely reach the far side of the forest, of course.”

  Cinderella shook her head sadly. “Sorry, can’t do it. I’d like to, I really would, but I gave my word.” She passed Emily to Sweet Pea, and Pea pressed Emily’s face into her chest to cover her eyes. “I promised if you cooperated, I’d kill you quickly.” And with a swipe she took off her head.

  Then Cindy packed up her tent and set it up outside in the field and put Emily down on the fourth bed (the tent seems to know). Once Emily was asleep, we came back out and Cinderella drew her sword again, as soon as it was out of its scabbard, fire ran along the side of the blade and walking methodically around the farm house, she set it aflame.

  Cinderella rejoined Pea and Ben and I and asked, “So, now what?”

  “Well,” I started, “I guess we continue into the forest tomorrow. Mallory knows we’re coming, and the whole fucking forest full of fucking monsters knows we’re coming, but what else can we do? I don’t see that we have a lot of good options.”

  Pea took a drink and eyed Cinderella.

  “What about Emily?” Cinderella asked.

  “We can’t leave her here. It’s as good as killing her. And we can’t take her with us, that’s probably worse than killing her. I don’t see that we have a lot of good options there either.”

  Pea eyed Cinderella again.

  “To my mind,” Cindy began, “she’d be better off with us. Just like you say, leaving her here is a death sentence. But, if she comes with us, we can protect her. I mean, we all plan on making it back alive. Might not happen, but that’s the plan. How hard can it be to protect a little kid?”